Saturday, February 22, 2014

UCW's Johnny Deep: I Want The Young American



                                                            "Young Americans"

They pulled in just behind the bridge
He lays her down, he frowns
"Gee my life's a funny thing, am I
still too young?"
He kissed her then and there
She took his ring, took his babies
It took him minutes, took her nowhere
Heaven knows, she'd have taken anything, but

All night
She wants the young American
Young American, young American, she wants the young American
All right
She wants the young American

Scanning life through the picture
window
She finds the slinky vagabond
He coughs as he passes her Ford
Mustang, but
Heaven forbid, she'll take anything
But the freak, and his type, all for
nothing
He misses a step and cuts his hand, but
Showing nothing, he swoops like a song
She cries "Where have all Papa's heroes gone?"

All the way from Washington
Her bread-winner begs off the bathroom floor
We live for just these twenty years
Do we have to die for the fifty more?"

All night
He wants the young American
Young American, young American,
he wants the young American
All right
He wants the young American

Do you remember, your President Nixon?
Do you remember, the bills you have to pay?
Or even yesterday?
Have been the un-American?
Just you and your idol sing falsetto
'bout Leather, leather everywhere, and
Not a myth left from the ghetto
Well, well, well, would you carry a razor
In case, just in case of depression?
Sit on your hands on a bus of survivors
Blushing at all the afro-Sheeners
Ain't that close to love?
Well, ain't that poster love?
Well, it ain't that Barbie doll
Her hearts have been broken just like you

All night
You want the young American
Young American, young American, you want the young American
All right
You want the young American

You ain't a pimp and you ain't a hustler
A pimp's got a Cadi and a lady got a Chrysler
Black's got respect, and white's got his soul train
Mama's got cramps, and look at your hands ache
(I heard the news today, oh boy)
I got a suite and you got defeat
Ain't there a man who can say no more?
And, ain't there a woman I can
sock on the jaw?
And, ain't there a child I can hold without judging?
Ain't there a pen that will write before they die?
Ain't you proud that you've still got faces?
Ain't there one damn song that can make me
break down and cry?

All night
I want the young American
Young American, young American, I want the young American
All right
I want the young American
 


     Oh Johnny, you had me at "hello."
     Actually, you had me at "What's up, man?" -- which are the first words (after a few, charming, adolescent shrugs and smiles) that Johnny Deep says to his opponent, Eli Black, in the latest Underground Championship Wrestling (UCW) video offering (#336). Then, during the customary, prematch, trash talking banter, Johnny totally breaks up in boyish laughter when Eli steps on his lines. Just thinking about Johnny's endearing qualities is warming my heart at this very moment, and it makes what transpires during this match even more difficult to deal with, on a purely emotional level.
     Now, I happen to know that Ethan Axel Andrews (UCW's top wrestler -- and 50% owner of the company) has very little patience with that breed of wrestling fans known as "marks," so let me give you a little personal background before he (or anyone else) hangs that label on me.
     I first started watching pro wrestling when I was nine years old. Even at that tender age, I experienced a powerful, visceral reaction when I'd see certain wrestlers (often young and good looking) seemingly get beaten to bloody pulps as the callous wrestling fans hooted and hollered. As a little kid, I'd become upset; I'd stare in fascination at the TV screen, just wishing I could somehow come to the rescue of those rookie grapplers.
     As I entered adolescence, I remained a pro wrestling fan, at least on the surface. However, deep inside, I was really just a fan of those handsome, vulnerable "jobbers" and I considered the actual spectacle of  the WWF to be ludicrously corny and frequently offensive. I felt awkward about having these feelings. My rugged (yet caring) father often spoke of "being a man." I couldn't fathom the concept of any "real man" feeling aroused by guys in skimpy wrestling trunks rolling around on the canvas.
     Throughout my young adult years, I suffered through the tedious WWF/WWE story lines just to see the hot guys in action. I wished for a pro wrestling federation that catered exclusively to a gay clientele, but that seemed like a farfetched concept at the time...
     ...which brings us to the present day and my current affection for UCW. You see, I'm not truly a "mark."
Why, even Ethan Axel Andrews himself told me, "You're better than a mark" (gee thanks, Axel). I understand the "entertainment" factor that exists in "sports entertainment." However, I feel what I feel. It's really the same dynamic that existed when I was a child in the fourth grade, and it's not about to change.
     For me, this most recent Johnny Deep vs. Eli Black encounter has all the elements of a dream/nightmare come true. This match is a "dream" as an erotic fantasy and a "nightmare" as a depiction of brutal bullying. Once again, I'm that 9-year-old kid staring at a computer (not TV) screen, just wishing I had been on the scene at that video taping to save Johnny from this torment -- somehow.
     To tell the truth, I didn't really pay attention to Johnny Deep when he first burst upon the UCW scene about a year ago. Deep was cute, but he seemed too immature (I learned from Joe, the blogger for "Ringside at Skull Island," that Johnny was still in high school when he made his debut). Besides, Deep had a ready-made fan base as soon as he stepped into the federation. It all seemed to come too easy for Johnny, and that annoyed me. Furthermore, Axel was my UCW fave and paying attention to Johnny would have seemed like disloyalty. On top of all this, Johnny sported a short, nondescript hairstyle (and, as Axel can tell you, I really hate short hair).
     However, Johnny's cuteness did impress me (and also blogger Joe, who covered Deep's first match with an entry entitled, "Too Cute To Live") enough for me to ask Axel if he felt any attraction to the rookie sensation. Axel responded with typical diplomacy, "Well, I heard him talk and he seemed like a kid." Those were my sentiments, exactly.
     Nowadays I couldn't ignore Johnny Deep if my life depended on it. Johnny has matured into the personification of my ideal. For Johnny, the difference between being a college freshman and a high school senior is huge, yet he still has all the appeal of a teenager. I suppose you could say Johnny appears less innocent now (in his initial UCW interview, Deep blithely uttered remarks like "I know I'm sexy" with a touching lack of self-consciousness). 
     However, I've never appreciated, or even grasped, the entire concept of innocence. What is innocence? Technically, I suppose, innocence is the absence of guilt. Most people just seem to equate innocence with naivete. If that's the case, shouldn't guiltiness be equated with wisdom?
     Well, Johnny Deep now seems to possess more than a bit of street wisdom and worldliness. For me, that's hot. Secondly, Johnny (who had a typical swimmer's build a year ago) has bulked up with considerable (but not grotesque) muscle. For me, that's even hotter. Thirdly, Johnny's hair is now longer and very attractively styled. All in all, Johnny has the total package -- an adorable face, a killer body, and a winning personality.
     Yet there are many really cute wrestlers active in the gay-oriented federations, and I've never felt the need to create a blog so I could post about one. What motivated me this time? THIS:

 Ringside at Skull Island: Trapped Like a Rat: "You got a lot more muscles since the last time I did this to you." So says the suave, unruffabl...

      Joe, how could you? That's a photo of Johnny trapped in a metal folding chair, being brutalized by this monster, Eli Black -- and you caption it with the title of your blog entry, "Trapped Like a Rat." To me, this is one of the most heart-rending images ever captured, and it elicits snide remarks from you? That scene occurs at the midway point of the video, and it prompted me to hit "stop." I didn't even view the rest of the match until about 24 hours later.
     You say that Johnny actually deserved this treatment? Why? Oh, I see -- "The guy's a vicious sadist, as I have pointed out before in these pages and as he again demonstrates at about the nine-minute mark of this video." Johnny is a vicious sadist??? Well, what did Johnny do at the nine-minute mark? After a sneak attack (while attempting to shake hands before the match -- a classic error among wrestling's "faces") and prolonged abuse, Johnny finally turned the tables and doled out some punishment of his own. How dare this kid defend himself and fight back like that!
     Joe, you and I are light-years apart when it comes to how we perceive pro wrestling (and probably how we perceive the world in general). Am I taking all of this too seriously? Well, if I am, then Joe is guilty of the same offense. Joe is the guy who manages to reference "the representation of the underclass as bullies," "UCW's usual 'working-class' ethos," and even his own "radical socialist" political beliefs in a blog entry about another UCW match (http://ringsideatskullisland.blogspot.com/2013/04/heelness-of-your-mother-sucks-cocks-in.html) 
     Clearly, Joe is on the side of the "heels" in pro wrestling, just as he serves as an apologist for brutal thugs in real life -- especially when they happen to be involved in conflicts with "company men" who see themselves as "their vastly more capable and morally superior masters" (more of Joe's phraseology). It is impossible to separate one's world view from the manner in which one relates to entertainment (be it film, novels -- or sports entertainment). Only a man with a skewed view of society could author a blog entry about the Deep vs. Black beatdown in language that borders on sadistic glee (and even crosses the line, in several instances). The word that Joe used to describe Johnny in the final paragraph of his article was appallingly uncalled for, and won't be repeated here.
     Twenty-eight minutes into the video, I hit the "stop" button again (and I still haven't viewed the match's final three minutes as of this writing). There's a bit of a twist that ratchets up the brutality at the end of this video. Neither Joe's blog nor the UCW previews give potential viewers any clues about this added dimension of cruelty. Suffice to say, if you want to see a flawlessly beautiful guy in a predicament that breaks your heart and that makes you want to love him and prevent him from experiencing any further negativity for the rest of his life -- then this is the video for you. 
     As for Eli Black -- well, what can I say? Eli presents us with a perfect contrast to Johnny. In other words, to really appreciate good, one must encounter evil. Despite Joe's descriptions to the contrary ("UCW-Wrestling seems to find its wrestlers at the Hello Kitty department at Macy's" a comment from his blog about the first Deep vs. Black match: http://ringsideatskullisland.blogspot.com/2013/03/too-cute-to-live.html), the UCW "faces" are not  one-dimensional prettyboys. Johnny Deep mixes masculine aggressiveness with sensitivity; that's what makes him special. On the other hand, Eli Black is pure, unadulterated testosterone. While Johnny's face is marvelously expressive, Eli's face is chiseled granite. Eli even gives us a running commentary as he tortures Johnny ("Oh, there seems to be some overlapping here," as Eli pretends to be a dentist "examining" our young hero's teeth, right before trying to rip one out with his bare hands) that betrays a certain level of intelligence and that makes his primitive savagery all the more unforgivable.
     Johnny gives us a running commentary, too, describing his deteriorating physical state throughout the match so poignantly that you'll want to put your arms around this hapless hunk and hold him for...well, forever. At one point, after absorbing harrowing below-the-belt punishment (extreme by even UCW standards), Johnny moans, "My nuts hurt." Does Eli respond as most of us would, with a remark like, "Oh you poor thing! Let me kiss them and make them all better!"? Why, certainly not. Eli barks, "Shut-up!" and punishes the young god even more.
     To sum up, this video is as horrific as it is hot, depicting the type of painful and humiliating treatment that beautiful young guys frequently experience in real life at the hands of their jealous cohorts. Excused by cliches like "Boys will be boys" and "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger" (it actually makes you weaker, emotionally scarred, and loaded with self-destructive baggage), similar scenes play out daily in schoolyards, neighborhood streets, and even the family home. This is sports entertainment, but life often imitates art.
     Johnny Deep, we love you. Eli Black, you only succeeded in making us love Johnny more intensely. For those in the market for a truly traumatic turn-on, the Deep vs. Black video can be purchased here: http://www.ucw-wrestling.com/

2 comments:

  1. Thanks for the shout-out, Freddie, even at the risk of getting your panties in a twist! A fine review of the new UCW match, too. Oh, and, before I forget, "Workers of the World Unite!"

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    1. Actually, I'm pretty far to the left, too, but those UCW heels are beyond redemption. Oh, and I wear boxers, not panties. Masculinity is hot. Like Johnny.

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