Blogs about underground wrestling federations and the wrestlers who compete in them, with a particular focus on Underground Championship Wrestling (aka UCW Wrestling). Featured wrestlers: Skip Vance, Jax Briggs, Ethan Axel Andrews, Eli Black, Johnny Deep, Vincent Stone, Shane Saunders, Michael Hannigan, Nick Diesel, Pedro Espada, Danny Sticks, Pvt. Jack Marino, Diego Valentino, Isaiah "Ice" Berg, Quinn Harper, Hiro, Hunter Day, Oliver Wood, Victor, and L.S. Powerhouse.
This horrid little video, which only involves wrestling during the first 20 minutes, is entitled "Game of Chicken." To my knowledge, this is the first time in UCW history that a video has carried a title, and I don't think that the choice of the term, "Chicken" is a coincidence...
Just click on this article to read it, or go straight to the Wikipedia page.
God help me, this video is hot, but it's a guilty pleasure, to say the least. In the hands of an anti-gay crusader, UCW "wrestling" match #391 could be utilized to demonize gay males in the same shrill, hyperbolic manner that "Reefer Madness" demonized marijuana 80 years ago.
Pvt. Jack Marino is repeatedly mocked in this video for being a "pretty boy," with the implication that physically attractive young men are vulnerable to and somehow worthy of abuse (similar to the youngest sailors on a ship in the 19th century, I suppose). It is a common theme in all of UCW All-Star Champion Quinn Harper's videos. Quinn is a macho straight male. Former UCW wrestler (this is a "lost" match dredged up from the archives) Damien is a happily married gay male who feels uncomfortable in hedonistic environments (e.g., Ziegfeld's/Secrets in D.C.). In UCW videos, they both behave like nightmarishly negative gay stereotypes created by a Religious Right zealot. Take your pick as to which type of performer is more offensive.
Speaking of Quinn Harper, four of the last five UCW offerings have featured the odious All-Star Champion (talk about overexposure), and this video provided us with hope for a temporary respite from Harper's sadism and sleaze.
Even before the opening credits disappear, an innocent looking, t-shirt clad Pvt. Jack is jumped from behind by Damien, the uber-heel in a black singlet. Damien's dramatic entrance is startling and no one can deny that the pro wrestler / model / stand-up comic is a master showman (or a master of self-promotion -- Google "Damien Flawless" and you'll find an entire page of results related to him).
The first words spoken in this video are Damien's. "You're going to be my b*tch tonight," Damien informs Jack. (Damien seems to have had a long-term obsession with turning men into b*tches.) The lascivious threat sets the tone for the production.
The wrestling is rough, testimony to the fact that Damien and Jack didn't get along on the set. Damien blogged about this match, and mentioned "a hard stiff kick in the stomach" that he delivered to Jack at one point: "He seemed bothered by the kick and didn't say much to me after our match. I think he also refused to shake my hand after the match. I'm not sure what that was all about but I won't dwell on it."
I mentioned this to UCW founder Michael Bodyslam during a public discussion on Facebook. Bodyslam maintained that Damien was "making stuff up" and gave me an "lol" when I provided a link to Damien's blog (if there was "heat" between Damien and Jack, it seems to pale in comparison to the post-UCW "heat" between Damien and Bodyslam).
Having viewed this match, I can tell you that Damien was speaking with absolute candor about the kick. It occurs at the 14:22 mark, and there's an edit five seconds later, at 14:27. After receiving the kick, Jack gasps out Damien's favorite word: "B*tch!" Then, in a pain choked voice, Jack starts, "Oh, he..." and right there we have the edit, cutting Jack off in mid-sentence.
"It's so fun playing with a pretty boy..."
"Come on, pretty boy..."
"Get up!"
When we resume action, Jack is still holding his ribs with Damien towering above him, hands on hips.
True to form, Damien immediately drags Jack to the center of the mat and, for his next maneuver, chooses to apply bodyscissors (Jack is still clutching his ribs).
Damien is a charismatic and sexy "heel." There is something malevolently aristocratic in Damien's bearing. Damien, with his alabaster skin, jet black hair, and long, lithe limbs, comes off as an almost Gothic villain -- like a vilely attractive vampire. During the first half of this video (the wrestling portion), my primary focus was on Damien. Being charmed by a pro wrestling villain may seem out of character for me, but I did have a childhood crush on Baron Mikel Scicluna in the old WWWF. Also, Damien's appearance in video #273 (vs. a particularly repugnant incarnation of the Black Dragon) reminded me, for some reason, of Flashman in Tom Brown's Schooldays (another sexy "heel").
The wrestling portion of this video ends with a Quinn Harper style, obscenely placed claw hold that ostensibly causes Jack to pass out from pain. (No screen caps of such inappropriate maneuvers will ever be featured in this blog.) From there, Damien resorts to the sort of "rope tricks" popularized in UCW by Nick Diesel (another one of Damien's least favorite grapplers). It's the 20:40 mark of a 39:58 video and (except for one sleeper hold near the presentation's conclusion) we won't see anything resembling wrestling again.
The remainder of this video consists of nearly twenty minutes of Pvt. Jack trussed up in the mat room at the mercy of Damien, who suggests a game of "gay chicken." Damien will put Jack through a series of ten, two-minute ordeals, some of which are designed to cause pain, others of which are designed to simply humiliate. If Jack is able to get through an ordeal without submitting (yelling, "Chicken!"), Damien will give the soon-to-be-serviceman $1000. On the other hand, if Jack submits during each of the ten trials, then he must service Damien for the night.
It is Jack who owns this portion of the video. Jack's facial expressions enable you to virtually read his thoughts as he struggles to maintain some semblance of dignity.
I have to admit that I didn't fully grasp Jack's appeal when I saw him in match #379. After match #391, I get it -- as will every gay man (or straight woman) who views this video. If you have a pulse -- if you are a living, breathing human being who finds males attractive -- then this video will cause you to develop a deep, heartfelt appreciation for Pvt. Jack Marino.
Now finished with UCW (and having "burned his bridges," as he himself says), Damien can speak freely and openly about his experiences in the federation. In Damien's discussion of match #273 (during which Jack makes a cameo appearance), he says the following: "This could have easily been the match to make or break me. One thing was clear I wanted to break Pvt Jack. There was just something I didn't like about him from the moment I saw his picture. Having never met the guy and only seeing him in video promos I just didn't like him. I was going to dish out some punishment and really not give a shit. I was going to give it my all and make sure he didn't take me too lightly...Seriously though I just didn't like him or his attitude and wanted to give him an adjustment. To me he is one of those people that has a pretty face and just talks out their ass. He is so smug and just filled with arrogance that you just wanna slap him. That is just my personal opinion."
As Jack attempts to endure his series of ordeals, you can see the sadness in his eyes increase, along with a corresponding glint of sadistic glee in Damien's. The bullying reminds me of what Johnny Deep (Jack's best friend -- they entered the federation together, bolstering each other's confidence) endured at the hands of Eli Black. This dynamic is disorienting; when I first started hearing about the "heat" between these two wrestlers, I always assumed that Jack, the straight male, had been the aggressor.
These "lost" matches are actually "custom" matches (matches that had been produced for one specific sponsor, who dictated the action). UCW holds onto them for a period of time, then heavily edits them and releases them for public consumption. As Damien says in his "Final Thoughts" on match #273: "I did eventually get my hands on Pvt Jack thanks to a custom match. However what happens in a custom match STAYS IN A CUSTOM MATCH! I can't share the details with you even if I wanted to."
Well, what has been left in match #391 is hot and horrific enough. I'm not about to go into detail, but I will say that Jack is stripped down to a jock, and the young man's body is flawless (sorry, Damien). Jack in a jock (sounds like a line of men's undergarments -- Jack in a Jock -- more imaginative than Joe Boxer) is absolute aesthetic perfection. The fact that Jack is essentially being punished for his beauty (along with his sense of pride engendered by that beauty) makes the video even more poignant.
The match gets four and a half hugs-and-kisses out of five. The only gripes I have are an editing job that leaves you yearning for those deleted scenes and, of course, a portrayal of gay males which sets back the struggle for inclusion in mainstream society by about fifty years.
Since match #391 is a "lost" match, it is featured on a special page at the UCW website. On that page, there are also instructions on how you can sponsor a UCW custom match of your own. Hopefully, you'll request a match in which a wrestler like Jack is treated with love and kindness, not cruelty -- worshiped as the hot young god he truly is.
Michael Bodyslam knew I was going to fall for Shane Saunders. I resisted it as long as I could (because I never like to do what's expected of me) but...damn...
Bodyslam was somewhat perturbed by my last review. Despite the fact that I'm older than Bodyslam, my online interaction with the UCW founder often feels like a father-son relationship; this must be due to the Leo (authoritarian) / Cancer (rebellious eternal adolescent) dynamic. At any rate, following my pan of UCW's latest offering (match #387), Bodyslam posted on Facebook: "I was sorry to see you writing about the end of UCW, it has mine and Axel's blood poured into it. So the sort of talk was a little too much for both of us, sorry. Write about Shane and redeem yourself, Freddie Young."
And I thought I was beyond redemption...
Alright, Bodyslam, I'd be glad to write about Shane Saunders. You see, I love UCW. That's why I criticize UCW so harshly when I see it heading in the wrong direction.
This is a review of match #384 -- Shane Saunders' first UCW appearance. However, I actually pay attention to the dialogue in these matches. From a verbal exchange between Shane and Eli, I learned that this was NOT Shane's debut match.
At the 6:20 mark of match #384, Eli says to Shane, "From the looks of your battle scars with all the other matches, you bruise really easily, too." I didn't know what Eli was talking about until I noticed Shane's left arm later on in the match, while he was lying supine on the mat.
Yes, that's pretty ugly (not Shane, of course -- his injury). Since match #384 was released, Shane has been featured in two other videos. In both, he fights Quinn Harper, your new champion and representative of your federation. I haven't watched either of those encounters between Shane and Mr. "I Wreck Prettyboys" because it was hard enough seeing what Harper did to Jax and to Johnny (MBPJD). Johnny told me that Eli wasn't the worst guy in the federation. I totally get it now, Johnny. Hot young guys come to UCW to wrestle, not to endure the trials and tribulations of the Shawshank Redemption (there's that word again).
Harper's championship win in match #387 was payback for years of service as a loyal UCW employee, and a loose-lipped Blogger Joe from "Ringside at Skull Island" tipped us off that it would happen several months ago. The match itself was a cross between a "work" and a "shoot" with Harper taking a videotaped beating in exchange for the belt. Danny Sticks, who was invited to join Harper's "Bad Boys" clique as soon as he entered UCW (and, for a while, acquiesced to the creepy come-on), did not play his referee's role as intended. The match dragged on interminably, frequent edits deleted footage, and Danny only reluctantly delivered a super-slow three-count when Harper's opponent was immobilized for a lengthy period.
At any rate, nobody (inside or outside UCW) seems very pleased with the prospects of a Quinn Harper championship reign, with the exceptions of Harper himself and Blogger Joe. If Shane Saunders, the classiest kid ever to wander into UCW, was turned over to Quinn Harper for his debut, I can only assume that Bodyslam's sadistic tendencies overrode his business acumen. Sorry to be so blunt.
Alright, enough about Harper. Old Freddie promises to be positive for the rest of this review. When writing about Shane Saunders, that won't be difficult.
When Bodyslam introduced us to Shane Saunders during a recent UCW Inside Scoop video blog, Bodyslam was polite and considerate of the young man's feelings. Whether this marks a permanent change in Bodyslam's interview style (to be fair, Bodyslam was also courteous during his recent interview with Danny Sticks) or whether Bodyslam was simply being deferential to Shane due to the young man's respectable background, only time will tell.
Shane is from Los Angeles, and it's a sure bet that he's from Western L.A. (I immediately thought in terms of Beverly Hills or Brentwood, but Eli tipped us off during match #384 that Shane is from Bel Air -- more on that later).
Also, you'll notice Shane's wide grin when he's introduced as a 19-year-old. At exactly the 21 minute mark of match #384, Shane says to Eli, "I'm older than you," and Eli replies, "You're older than me? What does age have to do with anything?" (Yes, I really do pay attention to the dialogue during these matches.)
For the record, that verbal exchange did not lessen Shane's appeal in my eyes -- not in the least. Also, for the record, that video that leads off this article is a joke; I found it after Googling "California Boys," looking for a parody of the old Beach Boys tune, "California Girls." That video does not imply any knowledge of Shane's orientation, which is irrelevant to me; Shane is masculine and hot.
Right above the "California Gays" video, we have a still from the beginning of match #384. Eli is discussing the Eli Black push-up, saying, "only a man can do it, and I'm not sure..." However, Shane interrupts Eli, as he does frequently during this video. "Show me how to do it -- the Eli Black push-up," Shane requests, preventing Eli from completing his insult.
From the earliest few seconds of this video, Shane's beauty is striking. Shane has great legs and a fantastic body, overall. Enhancing Shane's appeal is his vulnerability; he's biting his lower lip, gnawing at it, actually -- a nervous habit that is evident throughout this video.
Eli proposes a push-up competition and Shane agrees. "I look better with certain lighting, so I'll face this way on this side and you face that way on that side where it's dim and nobody really cares to look at you," Eli quips. Shane may have believed he was out of camera range at the time, but his reaction shows that he's clearly amused by Eli's sense of humor.
Since Vincent Stone has arrived on the scene, Eli has shown a kinder, gentler side of his personality in UCW matches. I always wondered how someone who looked so cute only a short time ago could have degenerated into a ruthless ruffian so rapidly. Now that Eli's UCW persona has begun to exhibit more complexity, he resembles Dallas Winston in The Outsiders (with Vincent in the role of Johnny Cade), a hoodlum with a heart.
Unfortunately, most of what we see from Eli in match #384 resembles the old, pre-Vincent Eli. When it's time for a traditional show of sportsmanship, Eli doesn't embrace his opponent (as he did in match #375). On the contrary, Eli cheapshots Shane in lieu of a handshake. As a matter of fact, every time Eli succeeds in engaging Shane in a conversation, he sneaks him (oh, excuse me -- that's a New Orleans expression -- I think you would say "sucker punch").
Shane generally speaks in an innocent tone of voice, always on the defensive. Shane looks British; he's polite even when being insulted, and even sounds as if he has the traces of a British accent.
Shane has noticeably large feet, and you know what they say -- big feet, big...shoes -- and he uses them to communicate his pain and helplessness, kicking the mat, curling his toes.
This initial meeting between Eli and Shane features elements of the Johnny Deep rivalry -- Eli's jealousy, Shane being good-looking and aware of it, born with advantages, being as pleasant as possible, unable to comprehend Eli's hostility and bullying. Shane even tries to laugh at Eli's jokes as he's being beaten up, but that doesn't lessen the severity of the attacks. This match depicts a great deal of pain (but you'd also see that in a "scientific" match against Ethan Axel Andrews) meanness (which you wouldn't see in a match against Ethan), but no sleaze (as you would, of course, see in a match against Quinn Harper).
I cannot understand the dynamic between straight males -- beauty causes not affection, but envy and a desire to harm. Blogger Joe seems to relish the cruelty they display to each other, as evidenced by his review of Shane's match against the odious Quinn Harper (a match I will probably never view). Joe calls the match "a fierce debauch" and raves: "...he takes on pretty rookie Shane Saunders. Seeing Quinn catch the pure-as-the-driven-snow Shane in his baleful clutches sends a chill up my spine: terror and sensual excitement combined, the best kind of horror. Shane suffers beautifully, and his pitiful moans seem to charge Quinn up even more. Quinn twists Shane into every imaginable hold and position, both displaying the kid's pleasing physique for the camera and fans at home and sinking his hooks deeper and deeper in a nerve-jangling bodily assault."
Getting back to Shane's match against Eli (which is heartrending enough), the scene pictured above is typified by Shane's use of foul language, out of character -- a young gentleman driven to utter such expletives by unbearable abuse, temporarily brought down to Eli's level. When Eli switches to headscissors (applied casually, at first), Shane seems to experience momentary relief.
Then Eli perhaps tips us off as to the area of Los Angeles from which Shane hails. Eli compares Shane to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and -- probably not coincidentally -- tightens up on the headscissors. "Your mother's going to hear that you got into this one little fight, and she'll send you to live with your aunt and uncle," Eli blabs, drawing an analogy to the television show, as Shane suffers obvious pain.
"F--- your story!" Shane yells, no longer able to cope with Eli's callousness. Not used to being interrupted, Eli applies the headscissors even more tightly.
Then, of course, because he's Eli Black, and because he's on the mat with a kid who UCW is hyping for his good looks ("sexy Shane" -- the promos even had me mildly annoyed), Eli applies a well-placed heel in a sensitive area of Shane's anatomy. Shane seems as shocked as he is agonized.
With Eli bending Shane in half, Shane's speedo-clad butt on display -- along with the magnificent arches in the soles of Shane's upraised feet (beautiful from head to toe) -- the match begins to sound like a high school fight between two suburban kids. "Get the f--- off me," Shane demands in a muffled, exasperated, adolescent tone.
"No, I can't. I'm not allowed. I have to beat your a--," Eli answers, sounding (and looking) like a delighted bully. Then Eli follows up with, "You know what I'm going to do now? Beat your a--." A spanking scene commences -- quite possibly the hottest segment in the video.
Then Eli grabs Shane's ankles and announces that he's a member of Harvard's rowing crew. Eli utilizes the privileged young man's legs like oars, further punishing Shane's back in this even more extreme position.
This is a really hot video. It's like Eli's second match against Johnny Deep (my measuring rod for perfection), but less traumatizing. Shane suffers, but he's not totally destroyed. It's possible to watch this match all the way through without becoming so outraged that you have to pause the tape and regain your composure.
The scene below depicts typical action. Eli is pulling Shane toward him, clutching Shane's left leg and a handful of Shane's curly locks. At the same time Eli is punishing Shane with a knee in his gut. For his part, Shane is holding Eli's left arm, trying to reduce the pressure on his scalp, while vainly (almost timidly) throwing ineffective punches at Eli's abs. This sort of thing continues for most of the half-hour match.
In what could be an homage to UCW match #336 -- perhaps the most harrowing, emotionally intense Underground Wrestling match of all time -- Eli proffers a referee's shirt. "You know, I think instead of fighting in UCW, maybe you should think of taking another option that gets you less of a beating. It might be reffing. Would you like to do some reffing?" Eli asks Shane sarcastically. "No, I'll pass," Shane responds nervously.
"Are you sure? I think you'll look pretty good in this," Eli mocks.
"I look good in everything, so..." Shane is displaying bravado via this half-finished sentence, but he's flinching whenever Eli makes a sudden move. (Nodding his head to placate Eli. Wary, but not wanting to antagonize the hoodlum. Chewing his lower lip harder than ever. Holding on to some meager hope of ingratiating himself to the bully, but not wanting to humiliate himself in the process. Maintaining his pride while under pressure. It's a cat-and-mouse game and if you're inclined to feel protectiveness toward Shane, this scene will really do it for you.)
This still seems to capture the essence of both Shane and Eli.
"Aw, I don't know. I'll show you. What do you think?" Eli persists, holding the shirt in front of Shane.
"I think it looks pretty damn good..." Shane summons the boldness to say.
Eli kicks him below the belt a millisecond after those words left Shane's lips.
"AH! S--T!" Shane gasps -- as much an expression of physical pain as it is a display of outrage over Eli's behavior.
There are moments, few and far between, when Shane takes control during this match. At those moments, you can read the visceral displeasure on Eli's face and note the thirst for vengeance in his eyes.
In every instance, Eli's acts of retribution on Shane are merciless.
Match #384 is one of the most emotionally intense Underground Wrestling matches you're ever likely to see, especially if you study it and understand the subtexts. Eli vs. Shane is both a culture clash and an example of class warfare. You can currently download here: UCW Wrestling: Latest Videos. (The page may change if you read this a few weeks after it's been published, so explore the site and find video #384. Trust Old Freddie -- it's worth every penny.)
Match #384 gets four and a half hugs-and-kisses out of five -- a mere breath away from the perfection of #336. This video may break your heart, but the experience will probably just make you love Shane even more. A star is born.
I viewed this match three nights ago, right before bedtime, and it gave me insomnia. I was almost going to post on Facebook, "Watched UCW-Wrestling match #387 and now so full of hate that I can't sleep," but I didn't feel like discussing UCW at all, not even in a negative light. Originally, I was going to simply entitle this blog entry, "UCW Sucks," but thankfully I recalled an old Rolling Stones tune that can be used to more articulately describe my discouragement.
Do yourselves a favor and click "play" on that video. That's Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones appearing on the BBC, back when Old Freddie was a seven-year-old kid in second grade -- and I derive enormous satisfaction that Mick and the boys are still alive and kicking today, haven't missed a beat, and are even performing that same song on their current concert tour. (Of course, the exception is Brian Jones, the blond haired kid with mutton chop sideburns who seems stoned out of his skull in the above vid. The cameraman avoids focusing upon him until the last few minutes, when Brian starts staring at fascinating hallucinations on the ceiling and Keith starts laughing at him.) No comment concerning the wild and uninhibited dance moves from the 1960's white kids in the audience, but Jagger (the Baryshnikov of Rock) was an aberration even then. The Stones always had an edge and were great entertainers, while the Beatles were boring-ass mediocrities who were simply in the right place at the right time (including, and especially Paul McCartney -- Kanye fans take note).
No, this isn't a music blog (or an astrology blog, Danny Sticks) but this song sums up my disgust toward UCW Wrestling after match #387 and renews my resolution to quit blogging about that wayward fed: "Well, I told you once and I told you twice / But you never listen to my advice / Don't try very hard to please me / With what you know, it should be easy."
Actually, UCW seemed on the verge of getting back on the right track, almost in spite of itself. Eli Black, the thuggish misanthrope who had dominated the federation since I began blogging, suddenly started to turn human before our very eyes (it was almost as if Bodyslam and Axel -- both huge Doctor Who fans -- had decided to produce videos with a sci-fi component). Due perhaps to newfound romance in his personal life -- or whatever reason -- Eli has been "poised," "sunny," and even "positively radiant" (Ringside at Skull Island's terminology, and for once Blogger Joe nailed it) during his last several UCW appearances.
Then Eli, who drove My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) out of UCW and perpetrated the Swarthmore Screwjob on Jax Briggs, redeemed himself by bringing childhood pal Vincent Stone (UCW's hottest piece of eye candy since Jax) into the fed. Seeing Eli interact with Vincent in UCW videos is like watching Dallas Winston demonstrate tenderness toward Johnny Cade in "The Outsiders." (In recent email correspondence, Vincent told me, "Eli is a good friend and sweet to me and my family. Just want you to know.")
With UCW showcasing a more complex, multidimensional Eli Black and his hugely appealing protege, one had cause to be optimistic about the federation's future. Still, there was a snake remaining in Eden -- Quinn Harper, who has exerted huge influence on UCW (both on camera and behind-the-scenes) for quite some time. The "Inside Scoop" video blogs parodying Harper's mesmerizing mind-control over UCW founder Michael Bodyslam were right on the mark, and even co-owner Ethan Axel Andrews lost his moral compass, tarnishing his heroic UCW persona when he became Harper's tag team partner.
The photo at the top of this page is from the very beginning of match #387. Michael Bodyslam is tersely explaining that "Quinn Harper has enough wins to take me on" for the UCW All-Star Championship belt. Yes, Quinn Harper, the guy who Eli just dropped as a tag team partner ("You don't satisfy my needs! You don't make me happy! We don't win!"). Note: Ringside at Skull Island's Blogger Joe is famous for his slippery language, but he left very little wriggle-room in a recent blog, calling Quinn a shoo-in for the title.
This is a photo from the very end of match #387 -- Michael Bodyslam as The Lion In Winter (open-heart surgery and bad knee notwithstanding) physically attacking Quinn Harper. No, it's not a spoiler; plenty of action occurs at the end of this video, and Bodyslam's assault is just part of it.
By the way, Danny Sticks (who seems to have replaced Hunter Day as UCW's misguided rookie) serves as referee in this fiasco. At the conclusion of this match, Danny makes it clear that even he wants a different outcome (a sentiment totally out of character with his UCW persona as Harper's tag team partner), prompting Bodyslam to make a disparaging reference to Danny's subversive improv during his closing remarks.
In my review of match #381, I called Quinn a "rabid coyote" in describing his attack on Eli. Judging from Quinn's behavior in match #387, he probably took my remark as a compliment (it sounds similar to "rabid wolverine"). Therefore, let me revise my description -- Quinn resembles a rabid sewer rat in match #387. Fans of Animal Planet will enjoy this video.
Blogger Joe went wild over this match (just read the last four sentences of his review) and still managed to be as offensive as ever (that nameless "wet behind the ears rookie" who gained the UCW Championship was Jax Briggs -- a kid with mad skills who defeated Ethan Axel Andrews in his debut match). Not surprisingly, anything that Blogger Joe loves, Old Freddie hates. Since I am in the habit of rating UCW videos on a scale in which five hugs-and-kisses equals perfection, then match #387 gets zero, zilch, nada -- no love from Old Freddie at all. This video is fascinating in the way that a tragic train wreck is fascinating, and it represents the demise of my favorite underground wrestling fed.
I'm posting the above photo in an attempt to illustrate Quinn's physical condition at the end of match #387. Quinn has an injured knee and the makings of a black eye, and he's saying, "This is for those of you who think wrestling isn't real." Well, Quinn, I've never been one of those people. I've always believed that UCW represents reality in all of ugliness, as I made clear in my review of the Jax Briggs vs. Eli Black debacle (match #361, the only UCW presentation more disheartening than this one).
Here's some advice to Bodyslam (especially) and you too, Ethan. You guys are not running an adult entertainment website. I watched Quinn's reaction to the "oil-check" reversal in match #387, and that scene reached new levels of creepiness. I almost ran a photo of that "wrestling maneuver" but I'm not sinking to that level; I'll leave it to the purveyors of "hardboiled wrestling kink" (only Blogger Joe could or would utilize a phrase like "creatively degenerate wrestler" and only Quinn Harper could feel flattered by it). If you want to continue down this path (and I'm also thinking about the "pool stick" segment in match #374), you're defiling a wonderful gift that you gave to us.
As if video #387 (and its ramifications) weren't depressing enough, Vincent told me in his last email: "I guess my next match wasn't any good and I have to train more before I can do more matches, so maybe you could tell Michael to keep using me." You know, it kind of breaks my heart to see this kid's self-esteem being destroyed ("My smile was bad...my next match wasn't any good..." and I haven't forgotten that introductory "Inside Scoop": "I won't make him flex and all that because I just won't embarrass him"). I don't know what gaffes Vincent commits in his next match, but I can pretty much guarantee that I'll love every minute of the video. There are qualities besides technical proficiency that make for an entertaining underground wrestling presentation. On top of that, do you really think that Eli is going to maintain his current high level of enthusiasm for UCW if you reject Vincent?
Here's the deal, Bodyslam and Ethan. If you still want Old Freddie around after this scathing review of your latest offering, then keep Vincent in the federation. Otherwise, I'll just fade away. ("Old bloggers never die. They just fade away." Perez Hilton said that, and that's your history lesson for today.)
This may be the last time.
This may be the last time.
May be the last time, I don't know.
(Video #387 aka "R.I.P. to U.C.W." is available for download here: UCW Wrestling )
