Birthday & Farewell Wishes To UCW's Johnny Deep

I'll be alone each and every night
While you're away, don't forget to write
Bye-bye, so long, farewell
Bye-bye, so long
See you in September
See you when the summer's through
Here we are (bye, baby, goodbye)
Saying goodbye at the station (bye, baby, goodbye)
Summer vacation (bye, baby bye, baby)
Is taking you away (bye, baby, goodbye)
Have a good time but remember
There is danger in the summer moon above
Will I see you in September
Or lose you to a summer love
(counting the days 'til I'll be with you)
(counting the hours and the minutes, too)
Bye, baby, goodbye
Bye, baby, goodbye
Bye, baby, goodbye (bye-bye, so long, farewell)
Bye, baby, goodbye (bye-bye, so long)
Have a good time but remember
There is danger in the summer moon above
Will I see you in September
Or lose you to a summer love
(I'll be alone each and every night)
(While you're away, don't forget to write)
See you (bye-bye, so long, farewell)
In September (bye-bye, so long, farewell)
I'm hopin' I'll
See you (bye-bye, so long, farewell)
In September (bye-bye, so long, farewell)
Well, maybe I'll
See you (bye-bye, so long, farewell)
In September (bye-bye, so long, farewell)

     Today typifies the concept of a "bittersweet moment." It is the birthday of UCW wrestler Johnny Deep, the rising star who revitalized that federation and many of our lives. (Johnny's most recent appearance, an oil match against Asian star Hiro, created a fan response which UCW founder "Bodyslam" Michael called, "Kinda crazy.") Still in all, we UCW fans were greeted with this melancholy news via a post on Bodyslam's Facebook account last night, on the eve of the celebratory event:

     Now, while the prospects of Damien Shamrock and Michael Hannigan becoming a UCW tag team are enticing (I can envision it now -- clad in Kelly green, the Flawless Shamrocks take on the aptly named Black-Day contingent), nothing can compensate for the profound sense of loss we'll experience during a Johnny Deep summertime hiatus.

     We must ask ourselves, "Will Johnny really return to UCW in the fall?" If so, will he be the same charismatic Johnny?

     To be sure, the magic that Johnny possesses is ephemeral. Most grapplers lose their boyish charm in a relatively short period of time (ahem, Eli). The lone exception to this rule seems to be Ethan Axel Andrews, whose longevity as a wholesome, boy-next-door persona is miraculously rare and even slightly eerie. (I strongly suspect that Ethan owns a self-portrait, stored in a closet, which is aging hideously.)

     Chatting with Ethan, one receives the impression that the UCW co-owner always yearned for celebrity status, even as a small-town youth in Wisconsin. Ethan always viewed himself as a celebrity, carried himself like a celebrity, and has now achieved a huge cult following in the underground wrestling scene as a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Ethan's disarming politeness and soft-spoken manner belie a vanity bordering on narcissism, which is also a key to his success. Ethan's egocentric nature prompts him to constantly reinvent himself, and this captures our imagination (stay tuned for his next incarnation, as a hipster blogger).

     On the other hand, Johnny seems to be a reluctant celebrity, at best. We learned from Joe over at "Ringside at Skull Island" that Johnny has a girlfriend. The compartmentalized life that young Johnny leads must be complex, even if his girlfriend is so cool with him grappling for a gay male audience that she suggests new concepts like oil matches. (As a side note, I'd like to mention that I'm continuing to pray for Johnny concerning this entire matter.)

     Furthermore, Johnny's notices in UCW reviews haven't all been laudatory. Skull Island Joe actually once called Johnny a "scumbag" -- a characterization that made us bristle and eventually led to the creation of this blog.

     In all fairness, though, it would be wrong to surmise that Joe's acerbic rhetoric led to Johnny's decision to take a temporary retreat from the mat wars. As a matter of fact, Johnny directly addressed the issue in a piece of correspondence with us: "I don't think Joe doesn't like me as much as I think he sees me as a bad ass and not the good guy I claim to be. Ha Ha I am a good guy but with an inner bad ass."

     Well Johnny, seeing as you're born under the sign of Taurus, you'll have no difficulty convincing us of your "inner bad ass" qualities. Speaking of which, we hope Johnny is having a total blast on this, his birthday. We badgered Johnny with questions about a birthday gift wish-list until he finally broke down and requested a "Stay Calm and Play Lacrosse" t-shirt. (On a personal note, it was a genuine thrill to realize that the real-life Johnny was exactly the sort of young man I'd imagined him to be, lacrosse having recently replaced soccer as the sport of choice among well-bred hunks.)

     Since I've been fair with that old curmudgeon Joe, I suppose I can afford to be fair with myself as well. When I first learned of Johnny's temporary departure from UCW, I wondered if I could have been partly to blame. After all, it was possible that the young man could have become unnerved by all the fawning attention he received in this blog. Then I reviewed our correspondence, noticed the several occasions on which Johnny thanked me for my posts, and my spirits soared.

      

     With Johnny on an extended summer vacation from UCW, the future of this blog remains in limbo. I write when I'm inspired and Johnny was my primary source of inspiration. (All of Johnny's matches are worth purchasing, but #336, in which he portrays a beautiful kid beaten beyond unconsciousness by a sadistic bully named Eli Black, is a must-see that can be purchased here: UCW Wrestling.)

     Besides that, I'm not sure if I'll have time to post any more blog entries. I plan to be busy, attending a broad range of college lacrosse events throughout the greater Philadelphia area...

     Just kidding! Just kidding! Jeez.

UCW Wrestling's Eli Black vs. Hunter Day: Kindred Spirits

     This is a "rematch" for the UCW Championship belt. The first "match," in which the odious Eli Black finally "won" the UCW Championship from Hunter Day, happened like this: Hunter's Inside Scoop.
     Let's recap what we just watched. As if there wasn't enough chaos and anarchy in UCW already, the championship belt currently must be defended on a 24/7 basis -- in other words, if you want to be UCW Champion, now all you have to do is jump the champ with five of your friends in a parking lot (or just shoot the guy), put a referee shirt on someone, and pin the titleholder's shoulders for a three-count.
     If you clicked on that link, you saw unlikely champion and perennial underdog Hunter Day attacked from behind by Eli Black, who was never able to win the belt when there was some semblance of order and structure in UCW. Knowing the cameras are rolling and acting on his con boss instincts, Eli says "Go to sleep, go to sleep" to Hunter as he applies what he would have us believe is a sleeper hold. Anyone with common sense (if there are any such individuals left in UCW) would realize that Black was not cutting off blood flow to the carotid arteries on either side of Hunter's neck; instead, Eli was cutting off Hunter's air supply by simply strangling him. As Hunter chokes and gasps, the unfortunate young man manages to sputter, "Get him off me, ref!" in an audible tone. However, Ethan Axel Andrews (top UCW wrestler and 50% owner of the fed) either doesn't hear or doesn't care to respond, since he's busy with his computer in the next room (and if he was watching a live feed of the attack, may God have mercy on his soul). Eventually, we hear a horrid gurgling sound coming from Hunter (almost like a death rattle) and the kid finally "goes to sleep." At that point, the maniacal Black begins jumping for joy like a kid on Christmas morning, yelling for Axel to put on his referee shirt and award him a pinfall victory. Axel lackadaisically saunters in from the adjoining room and reluctantly acquiesces.
     There you have it, ladies and gentlemen -- one of the greatest moments in the history of athletic competition. Eli Black now represents UCW. Somehow, that seems fitting.
     By the way, it's nice to see that the head honchos at UCW listen to me on shallow fashion points, at least. After raving about how well Johnny Deep wore that sexy, sleeveless, open front, referee's shirt in match #336, they dug it out of mothballs and gave it to Axel to wear in the video we just discussed. Oh, and the last real UCW Champion we had, Michael Hannigan, wore it well, too...

     ...and speaking of Michael Hannigan, I'm worried sick about the handsome Irish hunk. After Michael was left unconscious (and nearly left for dead) following his brutal match (#342) with "bondage master" Nick Diesel (I swear, where does UCW find them?), the former champ just disappeared. Michael did post one message on his Facebook (Michael's Facebook) promising a video for his fans within a day or two -- but that was over a week ago, and we've heard nothing since.
     Michael had a long title reign before UCW sank to its current level -- back in the days when UCW athletes had a fighting chance against the thugs and crazies. I've been so worried about Michael H., and so disgusted with the present course of UCW, that I made the following video message to UCW founder "Bodyslam" Michael (it was edited down from its original length because Johnny Deep told me the last one was too long  -- and I always do whatever Johnny tells me to do because I love him more than life itself):

    
     Knowing what a monster Eli Black is, I expected the rematch with Hunter Day (UCW's latest offering, video #345) to feature carnage on a par with Black's slaughter of my beautiful, precious Johnny Deep (the aforementioned, infamous video #336). Instead, I got a love-fest.
     "Bodyslam" Michael himself served as referee of this match, and he immediately set the tone by telling Black, "I love you, man" (in those exact words). At one point, there was even this exchange:
ELI (to BODYSLAM): "I'm going to give you a chance to make the audience jealous. I'm going to give you one complimentary Eli Black ab rub."
BODYSLAM (to Eli, looking into the camera): "This one's for you guys."
...and then the UCW founder, serving as referee for this match, actually stroked the underbelly of the beast. The top photo on this blog captures this moment, which may represent the end of civilization as we know it.
     You're probably thinking, "Well, what about Hunter Day? Eli Black nearly murdered that kid, and then took away his coveted UCW Championship belt. There can't be any love lost between those two!"
     Well, guess again, ladies and gents. This blog is entitled "Kindred Spirits" for a reason. First off, Hunter is the most inaptly named wrestler in the sport. The name "Hunter" has a distinctly refined tone -- in the realm of wrestling personae, Hunter Hearst Helmsley aka Triple H, the elitist heel from Greenwich, Connecticut, immediately springs to mind.
     By contrast, Hunter Day is anything but refined. Day is something of a street urchin, a scrapper from the wrong side of the tracks -- a hoodlum you can't help pitying because he's so low on the predatory food chain (the maliciously perceptive Eli Black deliberately referred to Hunter as "Hunted" during this match). When Day was being introduced to the UCW audience via a previous "Inside Scoop" video blog, Bodyslam joked (?) that Hunter was a member of a local Philadelphia gang.
     Therefore, we can forget all about that choked-into-unconsciousness thing, the messy title change, etc. Hunter and Eli are two peas in a pod, thick as thieves at the end of the day. As a matter of fact, right after the bell rings, Hunter's first words to Eli are: "I'm going to tell you -- I don't like many people around here, but you're a funny dude." Well, isn't that special...and what follows is thirty minutes of roughhouse and buffoonery by a pair of macho knuckleheads (e.g., they spend a lot of time trading gut punches and compliments).
     As I've spent a great deal of time during this blog talking about the quality of UCW refereeing (and frequently the total absence of it -- just put two guys who hate each other on the same mat and let them do whatever to each other), I may as well mention Bodyslam's refereeing of this match. Bodyslam calls himself, "totally fair and impartial" -- and he is. That doesn't mean that Bodyslam is anything even approaching competent as a referee.
     You see, Bodyslam comes from the same "gregarious sadist" school of wrestling promotion as BG East's Kid Leopard. Bodyslam doesn't care whether Day or Black win this match -- he just wants to see people hurt (and Bodyslam loves gut punishment -- I'm his Facebook friend so I know). In other words, whatever gene sparks compassion is missing in guys like Bodyslam (and, I strongly suspect, in guys like Blogger Joe over at "Ringside At Skull Island").
     As a matter of fact, when Hunter Day seems most seriously hurt during this match, it's due to "referee" Bodyslam's influence. At one point, Eli pulverizes Hunter with a splash...

...which elicits applause from a delighted Bodyslam.
     "Beautiful splash. Can you do another one?" Bodyslam inquires.
     "You sure you want to see another one?" Eli questions skeptically as Hunter writhes in pain on the mat.
     "That was a nice one," Bodyslam reaffirms.
     "How about you put your knee right here and give me a little height?" Eli suggests to Bodyslam -- which brings us to this scene:

     Hunter actually howled after that one.
     Now try telling me that UCW doesn't need at least a few rules and some real referees.
     (This, and all other matches mentioned in this blog, are available at UCW Wrestling.)

UCW's Ethan Axel Andrews vs. Johnny Deep (with C.J. Devastation): Johnny Finds A Friend (...And Smiles)

     This match (#316) reminded me of how few times we've seen Johnny Deep smile in UCW Wrestling presentations. Usually, we've seen the mischievous teen boy getting the stuffing beaten out of him, his fresh face contorted in agony. Furthermore, UCW has never seen fit to give Johnny a tag team partner. It always seemed as though the brash, young Tauran had no allies among the various eccentrics in the UCW locker room -- until this "lost video" was released.
     I could rhapsodize at length concerning the emotionally uplifting, inspirational qualities present in Johnny's smile, but a picture is worth a thousand words. Here is Johnny away from the mats, chatting with fellow UCW wrestler and new found friend, C.J. Devastation (who has been teaching our young hero the fine art of occupational massage therapy).

  
     C.J. plays a major role in this video's conclusion; we'll get to that in a moment (or two). First, I'd like to discuss Johnny's opponent in this encounter, Ethan Axel Andrews.
     I am convinced that Ethan Axel Andrews suffers from multiple personality disorder a la "Sybil" or "The Three Faces of Eve." Present in Mr. Andrews are two distinct personae: Ethan and Axel.
     Ethan is the young man who visited me during a road trip to New England last December. Ethan is the son every father wishes he could have raised. Soft spoken, polite, and witty, Ethan is the product of a respectable, middle class family in America's heartland. A Wisconsin transplant now residing in the Philadelphia area, Ethan is attracted to the urban hipster lifestyle, making frequent forays into Manhattan to catch Broadway shows starring old thespian friends. Ethan's childhood experiences and progressive political views have motivated him to become an anti-bullying crusader in sports entertainment's gay subculture.
     On the other hand, Axel is the narcissistic egomaniac who is billed as a "street punk" in Rock Hard Wrestling videos. Axel is the ruthless aggressor in BG East videos, who has been called that federation's "most hated villain" by Kid Leopard himself. Manifestations of the Axel persona usually occur outside the realm of UCW competition, but there have been some notable exceptions over the years. Unfortunately for young Johnny Deep, his opponent in this video is Axel.
     However, even the dark side of Ethan Axel Andrews isn't as evil as Johnny's recent opponent in UCW video #336, Eli Black. Watching that match was like viewing the slow murder of a beautiful young dude by a rabid psychopath. By contrast, this match is like watching a particularly rough fraternity hazing. Johnny suffers, but the clearly outmatched rookie suffers only as long as he refuses to submit to the seasoned veteran (and 50% owner of the fed, by the way). Still, given Johnny's highly competitive, stubborn-as-a-bull nature, he's in for quite a lot of punishment.
     During my long conversation with Ethan Axel Andrews in December (we spent the better part of a day together), I asked him about wrestlers suffering pain during matches. Ethan was very nonchalant about the whole idea; "Basically, you know when the body isn't supposed to bend a certain way," he explained to me.
     Well, either Axel didn't know or didn't care that Johnny's left leg wasn't supposed to be bent backwards and locked in that position for several excruciating minutes. Clearly frustrated that the bumptious teenager steadfastly refused to submit (and defiantly raised a shoulder during subsequent pin attempts), Axel then reverted to his ugliest tactics. Standing Johnny against a wall, reddening his flesh with open handed chops, Axel knocked the young man to the mat. Then, sneering like a "bad German" in a seventy-year-old war movie, Axel dragged Johnny to his feet, calling the young man what we in polite society refer to as "the B word."
     By contrast, Johnny never used such language, in this or any other UCW video. Even when beating people up, Johnny manages to say cute things (e.g., "What am I going to do with you?" while carrying Eli Black around in a back-breaker).
     Speaking of back-breakers, when Axel applies one on Johnny, I sense that the end is near. Johnny begins looking directly into the camera during this ordeal. That's never a good sign.

     
     Johnny's inevitable submission requires him, under terms agreed upon during the prematch banter, to give Axel a full body massage. The scene resembles a put-upon pledge forced to humble himself at the feet of an unbearably conceited upperclassman -- until C.J. Devastation shows up.
     "Hey dude, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be training," C.J. lectures Johnny.
     "Yeah, I know. He kicked my ass. Now I have to give him a massage. That was the bet," Johnny replies, sounding sheepish and forlorn.
     "Well, how about we get some revenge on him?" C.J. proposes, immediately brightening Johnny's spirits.
     I won't reveal the ending of this video, but I will mention that C.J.'s final words to Axel are, "Don't mess with my boy next time."
     Seeing how grateful Johnny is for C.J.'s friendship, I couldn't help but wish that Johnny and I were more than just pen-pals.

     In order to purchase this video, you must click on the the "Custom Video" tab and scroll down to the "Lost Video Collection" at UCW Wrestling. You might also note that, on the home page of the site, the latest video is also a Johnny Deep feature -- an oil match against Asian star Hiro. According to "Ringside At Skull Island" blogger Joe, fan response to this video has been "just crazy." (Ringside At Skull Island: "I Got You Now"). Furthermore, I should also mention that Johnny has another oil match -- against Axel -- in the UCW Video archives (match #277). Enjoy!!!

Michael Hannigan vs. Eli Black (with Johnny Deep as referee): Two Beauties and a Beast

     If you're a Johnny Deep fan and you skipped this video because you thought he'd play only a peripheral role as referee, you're missing out. This is actually a 2-on-1 handicap match with Michael and Johnny giving the loathsome Eli Black the type of treatment he so richly deserves. Although released out of sequence, this match (#332) actually took place immediately after Eli's attempted murder of Johnny (match #336).
     You'll remember how, in that earlier encounter, the monster Black dressed a nearly unconscious Johnny in a referee's shirt and said, "This is for your next gig. You're going to be ref." It was a case of horrendous mockery during a heart-wrenchingly brutal match.
     However, I'd like to make a seemingly trite fashion point, as is my custom. The shirt used in the earlier match was phenomenally sexy and it suited Johnny perfectly -- cut off sleeves and an open front. In this match, UCW dressed Johnny in a traditional referee's shirt which was far less becoming. As a frequent extra in Hollywood films (catch me in the casino scenes of Brian De Palma's "Heat"), I know that the wardrobe department really enjoys screwing with actors. Still, I believe other considerations were at work here. 
     Perhaps UCW did not want us to be distracted by Johnny's hotness. If that's the case, let me state that nothing could have distracted us from Michael Hannigan clad only in skintight briefs and knee pads. (My God, when Michael lies prone on the mat, revealing that luscious derriere, I can only imagine him as a fraternity pledge about to be paddled during Hell Week.) Two of UCW's most charismatic prettyboys teaming together does not make for an either/or proposition. Double the eye candy is just double the fun, and Johnny would be hot even if you dressed him in a ski parka (figuratively, I mean -- we know he'd be hot, literally -- that goes without saying).
     Having an interest in language, my most memorable portions of UCW matches often involve verbal exchanges. Such was the case concerning this bout. For example, there was this scene:

       
     As you can see, Johnny is haughtily consuming his lunch in a corner, flagrantly neglecting his officiating duties. Meanwhile, Eli has trapped Michael in a punishing arm bar and he wants Johnny to check for a submission. Using typical gauche and boorish Eli Black language, he barks at Johnny, "You gonna do your fucking job, pussy?" (Politically incorrect and misogynistic -- referring to a male rival by the loutish slang term for a woman's genitalia -- I've hated guys like this since junior high.)
     "No," Johnny quickly responds, sounding endearingly petulant. Then Johnny adds, "You look to be handling it," in a somewhat erudite tone.
     "Well, fine. I guess I'll have to fucking break it, eh?" the sadistic Eli reasons.
     "Hey, don't do that," Johnny replies nonchalantly. "That's not needed," Johnny adds between bites of his sandwich, still sounding unconcerned.
     This last exchange troubled me. "How could Johnny seem so callous about the suffering of an attractive male like Michael?" I wondered. I was reminded of my own adolescent years, when I was periodically horrified by the ruthlessness that beautiful straight boys showed toward each other.
     Then I read the first paragraph of the most recent UCW review at the "Ringside at Skull Island" blog, and it all seemed to make sense:
  
Ringside At Skull Island: Slippery People 

My God, I was mortified! I suddenly felt the need to reach out to Johnny and pull him back from the abyss. I immediately recorded the following video as a means of ministering to Johnny and any other young person facing similar struggles:

     Lordy, that Pastor Freddie Young can preach! Can I get a witness? Someone shout, "Amen!"

     (This concludes our religious broadcasting. Now back to UCW Wrestling.)

     I am proud to announce that, since my last blog posting, Johnny Deep and I have become pen-pals. To gain insight into Johnny's true personality, one of the first questions I asked him concerned his astrological sign.

     As it turns out, Johnny is a Taurus, the sign indicating unrestrained aggression. Upon further analysis of Johnny's UCW appearances, Johnny's bull-like qualities become apparent (and provide another key to his appeal -- the contrast between his sensitivity and his masculine drive). As an example we need only to review the video of Ethan Axel Andrew's recent birthday spanking. After delivering a few, cute, barefoot stomps, Johnny is the first wrestler to yank down Axel's jeans (and the first to deliver a slap):

     Hmm...maybe blogger Joe at the Skull Island site had a point about Johnny's latent sadism (Johnny prefers the term, "inner bad ass," by the way). Further evidence of Johnny's Taurus personality can be found in plenitude during this match. Not content to merely punish Eli physically, Johnny seems intent on delivering a much needed lesson in humility to the cocky grappler. To assert his dominance, Johnny applies a rather provocatively placed head scissors on Eli, but the brute counters with cannibalism:

     Now, I must give the devil his due, if you'll pardon the cliche. Eli Black is a veritable treasure to any wrestling federation, simply because he's the most believable screen villain since Hannibal Lector. I've been told by Axel that Eli is "nothing like his UCW persona" in real life, and Johnny himself told me, "Eli isn't the worst guy out there" (which may say more about the other UCW heels than it says about Eli). However, it doesn't really matter to me if Eli carries himself like Mother Theresa in his personal life; I choose to believe in UCW, and his character is despicable. Furthermore, if Eli is truly "Cool, Calm, and Collected" (not to mention "Confident") would he really feel the need to put that assertion in writing -- and then brand it permanently on his rib cage? Would Bill Gates get a tattoo that says, "I Have Money"? (I originally contemplated asking that question in reference to Donald Trump, but the analogy failed.)

     I would discuss my reaction to this match's conclusion, but I promised UCW founder Michael Tovar that I would never post any information that could be construed as a "spoiler" (and I don't want to get "Bodyslam"'d) so it will suffice to say that this video comes highly recommended by yours truly, and you can purchase it (remember, it's out-of-sequence #332) right over here: Underground Championship Wrestling.