If you're a Johnny Deep fan and you skipped this video because you thought he'd play only a peripheral role as referee, you're missing out. This is actually a 2-on-1 handicap match with Michael and Johnny giving the loathsome Eli Black the type of treatment he so richly deserves. Although released out of sequence, this match (#332) actually took place immediately after Eli's attempted murder of Johnny (match #336).
You'll remember how, in that earlier encounter, the monster Black dressed a nearly unconscious Johnny in a referee's shirt and said, "This is for your next gig. You're going to be ref." It was a case of horrendous mockery during a heart-wrenchingly brutal match.
However, I'd like to make a seemingly trite fashion point, as is my custom. The shirt used in the earlier match was phenomenally sexy and it suited Johnny perfectly -- cut off sleeves and an open front. In this match, UCW dressed Johnny in a traditional referee's shirt which was far less becoming. As a frequent extra in Hollywood films (catch me in the casino scenes of Brian De Palma's "Heat"), I know that the wardrobe department really enjoys screwing with actors. Still, I believe other considerations were at work here.
Perhaps UCW did not want us to be distracted by Johnny's hotness. If that's the case, let me state that nothing could have distracted us from Michael Hannigan clad only in skintight briefs and knee pads. (My God, when Michael lies prone on the mat, revealing that luscious derriere, I can only imagine him as a fraternity pledge about to be paddled during Hell Week.) Two of UCW's most charismatic prettyboys teaming together does not make for an either/or proposition. Double the eye candy is just double the fun, and Johnny would be hot even if you dressed him in a ski parka (figuratively, I mean -- we know he'd be hot, literally -- that goes without saying).
Having an interest in language, my most memorable portions of UCW matches often involve verbal exchanges. Such was the case concerning this bout. For example, there was this scene:
As you can see, Johnny is haughtily consuming his lunch in a corner, flagrantly neglecting his officiating duties. Meanwhile, Eli has trapped Michael in a punishing arm bar and he wants Johnny to check for a submission. Using typical gauche and boorish Eli Black language, he barks at Johnny, "You gonna do your fucking job, pussy?" (Politically incorrect and misogynistic -- referring to a male rival by the loutish slang term for a woman's genitalia -- I've hated guys like this since junior high.)
"No," Johnny quickly responds, sounding endearingly petulant. Then Johnny adds, "You look to be handling it," in a somewhat erudite tone.
"Well, fine. I guess I'll have to fucking break it, eh?" the sadistic Eli reasons.
"Hey, don't do that," Johnny replies nonchalantly. "That's not needed," Johnny adds between bites of his sandwich, still sounding unconcerned.
This last exchange troubled me. "How could Johnny seem so callous about the suffering of an attractive male like Michael?" I wondered. I was reminded of my own adolescent years, when I was periodically horrified by the ruthlessness that beautiful straight boys showed toward each other.
Then I read the first paragraph of the most recent UCW review at the "Ringside at Skull Island" blog, and it all seemed to make sense:
Ringside At Skull Island: Slippery People
My God, I was mortified! I suddenly felt the need to reach out to Johnny and pull him back from the abyss. I immediately recorded the following video as a means of ministering to Johnny and any other young person facing similar struggles:
Lordy, that Pastor Freddie Young can preach! Can I get a witness? Someone shout, "Amen!"
(This concludes our religious broadcasting. Now back to UCW Wrestling.)
I am proud to announce that, since my last blog posting, Johnny Deep and I have become pen-pals. To gain insight into Johnny's true personality, one of the first questions I asked him concerned his astrological sign.
As it turns out, Johnny is a Taurus, the sign indicating unrestrained aggression. Upon further analysis of Johnny's UCW appearances, Johnny's bull-like qualities become apparent (and provide another key to his appeal -- the contrast between his sensitivity and his masculine drive). As an example we need only to review the video of Ethan Axel Andrew's recent birthday spanking. After delivering a few, cute, barefoot stomps, Johnny is the first wrestler to yank down Axel's jeans (and the first to deliver a slap):
Hmm...maybe blogger Joe at the Skull Island site had a point about Johnny's latent sadism (Johnny prefers the term, "inner bad ass," by the way). Further evidence of Johnny's Taurus personality can be found in plenitude during this match. Not content to merely punish Eli physically, Johnny seems intent on delivering a much needed lesson in humility to the cocky grappler. To assert his dominance, Johnny applies a rather provocatively placed head scissors on Eli, but the brute counters with cannibalism:
Now, I must give the devil his due, if you'll pardon the cliche. Eli Black is a veritable treasure to any wrestling federation, simply because he's the most believable screen villain since Hannibal Lector. I've been told by Axel that Eli is "nothing like his UCW persona" in real life, and Johnny himself told me, "Eli isn't the worst guy out there" (which may say more about the other UCW heels than it says about Eli). However, it doesn't really matter to me if Eli carries himself like Mother Theresa in his personal life; I choose to believe in UCW, and his character is despicable. Furthermore, if Eli is truly "Cool, Calm, and Collected" (not to mention "Confident") would he really feel the need to put that assertion in writing -- and then brand it permanently on his rib cage? Would Bill Gates get a tattoo that says, "I Have Money"? (I originally contemplated asking that question in reference to Donald Trump, but the analogy failed.)
I would discuss my reaction to this match's conclusion, but I promised UCW founder Michael Tovar that I would never post any information that could be construed as a "spoiler" (and I don't want to get "Bodyslam"'d) so it will suffice to say that this video comes highly recommended by yours truly, and you can purchase it (remember, it's out-of-sequence #332) right over here: Underground Championship Wrestling.
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