I viewed this match three nights ago, right before bedtime, and it gave me insomnia. I was almost going to post on Facebook, "Watched UCW-Wrestling match #387 and now so full of hate that I can't sleep," but I didn't feel like discussing UCW at all, not even in a negative light. Originally, I was going to simply entitle this blog entry, "UCW Sucks," but thankfully I recalled an old Rolling Stones tune that can be used to more articulately describe my discouragement.
Do yourselves a favor and click "play" on that video. That's Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones appearing on the BBC, back when Old Freddie was a seven-year-old kid in second grade -- and I derive enormous satisfaction that Mick and the boys are still alive and kicking today, haven't missed a beat, and are even performing that same song on their current concert tour. (Of course, the exception is Brian Jones, the blond haired kid with mutton chop sideburns who seems stoned out of his skull in the above vid. The cameraman avoids focusing upon him until the last few minutes, when Brian starts staring at fascinating hallucinations on the ceiling and Keith starts laughing at him.) No comment concerning the wild and uninhibited dance moves from the 1960's white kids in the audience, but Jagger (the Baryshnikov of Rock) was an aberration even then. The Stones always had an edge and were great entertainers, while the Beatles were boring-ass mediocrities who were simply in the right place at the right time (including, and especially Paul McCartney -- Kanye fans take note).
No, this isn't a music blog (or an astrology blog, Danny Sticks) but this song sums up my disgust toward UCW Wrestling after match #387 and renews my resolution to quit blogging about that wayward fed: "Well, I told you once and I told you twice / But you never listen to my advice / Don't try very hard to please me / With what you know, it should be easy."
Actually, UCW seemed on the verge of getting back on the right track, almost in spite of itself. Eli Black, the thuggish misanthrope who had dominated the federation since I began blogging, suddenly started to turn human before our very eyes (it was almost as if Bodyslam and Axel -- both huge Doctor Who fans -- had decided to produce videos with a sci-fi component). Due perhaps to newfound romance in his personal life -- or whatever reason -- Eli has been "poised," "sunny," and even "positively radiant" (Ringside at Skull Island's terminology, and for once Blogger Joe nailed it) during his last several UCW appearances.
Then Eli, who drove My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) out of UCW and perpetrated the Swarthmore Screwjob on Jax Briggs, redeemed himself by bringing childhood pal Vincent Stone (UCW's hottest piece of eye candy since Jax) into the fed. Seeing Eli interact with Vincent in UCW videos is like watching Dallas Winston demonstrate tenderness toward Johnny Cade in "The Outsiders." (In recent email correspondence, Vincent told me, "Eli is a good friend and sweet to me and my family. Just want you to know.")
With UCW showcasing a more complex, multidimensional Eli Black and his hugely appealing protege, one had cause to be optimistic about the federation's future. Still, there was a snake remaining in Eden -- Quinn Harper, who has exerted huge influence on UCW (both on camera and behind-the-scenes) for quite some time. The "Inside Scoop" video blogs parodying Harper's mesmerizing mind-control over UCW founder Michael Bodyslam were right on the mark, and even co-owner Ethan Axel Andrews lost his moral compass, tarnishing his heroic UCW persona when he became Harper's tag team partner.
The photo at the top of this page is from the very beginning of match #387. Michael Bodyslam is tersely explaining that "Quinn Harper has enough wins to take me on" for the UCW All-Star Championship belt. Yes, Quinn Harper, the guy who Eli just dropped as a tag team partner ("You don't satisfy my needs! You don't make me happy! We don't win!"). Note: Ringside at Skull Island's Blogger Joe is famous for his slippery language, but he left very little wriggle-room in a recent blog, calling Quinn a shoo-in for the title.
By the way, Danny Sticks (who seems to have replaced Hunter Day as UCW's misguided rookie) serves as referee in this fiasco. At the conclusion of this match, Danny makes it clear that even he wants a different outcome (a sentiment totally out of character with his UCW persona as Harper's tag team partner), prompting Bodyslam to make a disparaging reference to Danny's subversive improv during his closing remarks.
Blogger Joe went wild over this match (just read the last four sentences of his review) and still managed to be as offensive as ever (that nameless "wet behind the ears rookie" who gained the UCW Championship was Jax Briggs -- a kid with mad skills who defeated Ethan Axel Andrews in his debut match). Not surprisingly, anything that Blogger Joe loves, Old Freddie hates. Since I am in the habit of rating UCW videos on a scale in which five hugs-and-kisses equals perfection, then match #387 gets zero, zilch, nada -- no love from Old Freddie at all. This video is fascinating in the way that a tragic train wreck is fascinating, and it represents the demise of my favorite underground wrestling fed.
Here's some advice to Bodyslam (especially) and you too, Ethan. You guys are not running an adult entertainment website. I watched Quinn's reaction to the "oil-check" reversal in match #387, and that scene reached new levels of creepiness. I almost ran a photo of that "wrestling maneuver" but I'm not sinking to that level; I'll leave it to the purveyors of "hardboiled wrestling kink" (only Blogger Joe could or would utilize a phrase like "creatively degenerate wrestler" and only Quinn Harper could feel flattered by it). If you want to continue down this path (and I'm also thinking about the "pool stick" segment in match #374), you're defiling a wonderful gift that you gave to us.
As if video #387 (and its ramifications) weren't depressing enough, Vincent told me in his last email: "I guess my next match wasn't any good and I have to train more before I can do more matches, so maybe you could tell Michael to keep using me." You know, it kind of breaks my heart to see this kid's self-esteem being destroyed ("My smile was bad...my next match wasn't any good..." and I haven't forgotten that introductory "Inside Scoop": "I won't make him flex and all that because I just won't embarrass him"). I don't know what gaffes Vincent commits in his next match, but I can pretty much guarantee that I'll love every minute of the video. There are qualities besides technical proficiency that make for an entertaining underground wrestling presentation. On top of that, do you really think that Eli is going to maintain his current high level of enthusiasm for UCW if you reject Vincent?
Here's the deal, Bodyslam and Ethan. If you still want Old Freddie around after this scathing review of your latest offering, then keep Vincent in the federation. Otherwise, I'll just fade away. ("Old bloggers never die. They just fade away." Perez Hilton said that, and that's your history lesson for today.)
This may be the last time.
This may be the last time.
May be the last time, I don't know.
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