UCW Oil Wrestling: Johnny Deep vs. Eli Black -- Tear Down This Wall!

     Michael Bodyslam, tear down this wall...
     ...or at least pad it.

     In the new UCW Wrestling offering (match #354), Johnny gets hurt, for real. Using his feet, Eli Black sends Johnny hurtling head-first toward the cinder block wall surrounding the slippery, oil-coated mat.

     There's an immediate edit in the videotape at that point. We don't know what happens during the break in filming. The next scene we see is Johnny holding his head and whispering, "Ow...ow..."
     "Hey, you need a count-back from five?" Eli asks.
     Johnny rolls around on the mat in agony and murmurs, "Oh, God!"

     "I call that the Pinball Machine move," Eli explains. "You got jolted."
     The show must go on, and Johnny gamely goes through the motions, showing very little aggression during this stage of the bout. Regardless of what the action is, regardless of what maneuvers are being displayed, Johnny frequently holds his head, at times checking his fingertips for traces of blood. For the remainder of the match, you can see the oily spot on the wall where Johnny's skull made contact.
     Eli wraps his hands around Johnny's throat and plays sadistic games, preventing Johnny from breathing for extended periods, letting go, then resuming the strangulation. It's all very reminiscent of how Eli stole won the UCW All Star championship belt from Hunter Day. Johnny is reduced to kicking his feet and gasping.
     In a fit of pique over Johnny's status as a UCW hero, the villainous Black says, "I thought you were supposed to be some nice 'face.' Well, how about if I put that face in some oil? Huh? Yeah. I'll push you around, clean the mat with your head." With his foot on Johnny's neck, Eli literally mops the canvas with the kid's cracked cranium.

     Then Eli reaches a new low. "What's this?" Eli asks, examining the scalp under Johnny's newly cropped hair. "Oh, look at that! Hold on. Camera, zoom back in. As you can see, the wound that I inflicted on him when I kicked him into the wall over there -- see that? Yeah! That's real and I did it!"

     Okay. Enough. I don't think I even have to continue. When Ethan Axel Andrews visited me last December, he told me that if a wrestler has a grudge against another wrestler and sets out to deliberately injure him during a match, UCW wants no part of it. This was presented to me as an articulation of company policy.
     Speaking of Ethan, he himself suffered the only injury of his long underground wrestling career during a UCW match -- chipping a tooth after being hurled into that same cinder block wall. Was it really wise to promote a match between two Taurus guys (that in itself should probably be prohibited) on a mat surrounded by cinder blocks and coated with a thick oil slick? These two bulls (a Philadelphia slang term, ironically) were charging each other, locking horns like true Taurans, on a surface that was as slippery as ice.
     As for Eli -- do you really want this thug representing your business? I don't care how many videos he sells to morons who care more about abs than character -- Eli's presence in UCW will prove detrimental to your bottom line in the long term.
     After Johnny's injury, Eli predicted on camera, "By the time I'm done with you, you're going to want to be done wrestling in UCW." Perhaps not coincidentally, Johnny has since announced (abruptly and unexpectedly) an indefinite hiatus from UCW's mat wars. (The current video #355, featuring Johnny with his longer hairstyle and no shoulder tats, was obviously shot out of sequence. It was probably filmed right after match #345, which served as a set-up for the Eli Black / Hunter Day tag team.)
     UCW founder Michael Bodyslam once told me that Johnny had the potential to become "the next Axel." Was it really wise to sacrifice Johnny and keep Eli?
     This bout was supposed to be a Johnny Deep vs. Oliver Wood contest, but Eli "persuaded" Oliver to forfeit the match. When Eli walks in as the surprise substitute, a startled Johnny expresses dismay that the churlish champion would consent to perform in an oil match.
     "I'm not done picking on you," Eli explains.
     While oiling himself, Eli feigns narcissism. I say "feigns" because Eli clearly has no conception of what constitutes male beauty (unlike Ethan Axel Andrews, a true narcissist). As proof of this, one need only glance at an old photo of Eli from his BG Wrestling days. Yes, this formerly cute guy has now willingly transformed himself into a tatted up circus freak. (Of course Johnny is the current cute guy of UCW -- he even proclaimed himself to be "still pretty" during his only "Inside Scoop" monologue -- and that explains a lot of the animosity between these two rivals.)
     After bragging and boasting for several minutes to camouflage his near pathological insecurities (remember, this is the person who felt the need to brand "Cool, Calm, Confident, and Collected" on his ribcage), Eli offers the oil bottle to Johnny. Johnny reaches for it, but Eli lets it drop. Johnny just nods his head, as if this is the type of behavior he's come to expect from Eli, and picks the bottle up from the mat. Johnny's easygoing personality and good humored nature are in ample evidence during all of the pre-match banter.
     Then Eli (of all people) begins to mock Johnny's new tattoos. I'm not fond of handsome guys getting ink (you'll notice that Ethan Axel Andrews has never done it) but Johnny's tats are fairly tasteful -- a bluebird on each shoulder, representing good luck. Johnny seems to have an appreciation for art which only befuddles and antagonizes Eli. Eli pops off with a highly detailed, disgustingly vulgar analogy concerning Johnny's new ink. Wide eyed and grinning, Johnny repeats every word of Eli's gutter humor in a boyishly incredulous tone.
     When Johnny agrees to oil Eli's back, I become antsy. Johnny seems accustomed to the locker room camaraderie among his teammates during lacrosse season, and he's now out of his element. Sure enough, Eli delivers a backward mule kick that leaves Johnny on the mat clutching his groin, and the match begins.
     What follows is a mix of eroticism and roughhouse which took me several viewings to appreciate, since I initially was so outraged by Johnny's injury. All in all, aside from Johnny's head injury, this match isn't as emotionally devastating as the last match between these two (#336 -- which Joe, the "heel aficionado" blogger for "Ringside at Skull Island" gleefully called, "thirty minutes of Eli feeding Johnny, slightly more muscular now, to the flies"). Well into this match -- even after the twenty minute mark -- Johnny continues to display his aggressive side, inflicting hugely satisfying revenge on his tormentor.
     This, by the way, isn't the fourth UCW match between these wrestlers (it's only the third). You can read this inaccuracy -- and other prime examples of muddled thinking -- in Joe's "Ringside at Skull Island" review of this bout over here:  

Ringside at Skull Island: Slicked Up: I really didn't need the encouragement, but it was my friend Joseph on Facebook (same name as mine but he&#...

(Remember -- this is video #354 and you can purchase it at the UCW Wrestling website.)