UCW Wrestling's Shane Saunders vs. Eli Black: Cali Prep vs. Philly Thug

I Wish They All Could Be California Boys...

     Michael Bodyslam knew I was going to fall for Shane Saunders. I resisted it as long as I could (because I never like to do what's expected of me) but...damn...

     Bodyslam was somewhat perturbed by my last review. Despite the fact that I'm older than Bodyslam, my online interaction with the UCW founder often feels like a father-son relationship; this must be due to the Leo (authoritarian) / Cancer (rebellious eternal adolescent) dynamic. At any rate, following my pan of UCW's latest offering (match #387), Bodyslam posted on Facebook: "I was sorry to see you writing about the end of UCW, it has mine and Axel's blood poured into it. So the sort of talk was a little too much for both of us, sorry. Write about Shane and redeem yourself, Freddie Young." 

     And I thought I was beyond redemption...

     Alright, Bodyslam, I'd be glad to write about Shane Saunders. You see, I love UCW. That's why I criticize UCW so harshly when I see it heading in the wrong direction.
     This is a review of match #384 -- Shane Saunders' first UCW appearance. However, I actually pay attention to the dialogue in these matches. From a verbal exchange between Shane and Eli, I learned that this was NOT Shane's debut match.
     At the 6:20 mark of match #384, Eli says to Shane, "From the looks of your battle scars with all the other matches, you bruise really easily, too." I didn't know what Eli was talking about until I noticed Shane's left arm later on in the match, while he was lying supine on the mat.

     Yes, that's pretty ugly (not Shane, of course -- his injury). Since match #384 was released, Shane has been featured in two other videos. In both, he fights Quinn Harper, your new champion and representative of your federation. I haven't watched either of those encounters between Shane and Mr. "I Wreck Prettyboys" because it was hard enough seeing what Harper did to Jax and to Johnny (MBPJD). Johnny told me that Eli wasn't the worst guy in the federation. I totally get it now, Johnny. Hot young guys come to UCW to wrestle, not to endure the trials and tribulations of the Shawshank Redemption (there's that word again).
     Harper's championship win in match #387 was payback for years of service as a loyal UCW employee, and a loose-lipped Blogger Joe from "Ringside at Skull Island" tipped us off that it would happen several months ago. The match itself was a cross between a "work" and a "shoot" with Harper taking a videotaped beating in exchange for the belt. Danny Sticks, who was invited to join Harper's "Bad Boys" clique as soon as he entered UCW (and, for a while, acquiesced to the creepy come-on), did not play his referee's role as intended. The match dragged on interminably, frequent edits deleted footage, and Danny only reluctantly delivered a super-slow three-count when Harper's opponent was immobilized for a lengthy period.
     At any rate, nobody (inside or outside UCW) seems very pleased with the prospects of a Quinn Harper championship reign, with the exceptions of Harper himself and Blogger Joe. If Shane Saunders, the classiest kid ever to wander into UCW, was turned over to Quinn Harper for his debut, I can only assume that Bodyslam's sadistic tendencies overrode his business acumen. Sorry to be so blunt.

     Alright, enough about Harper. Old Freddie promises to be positive for the rest of this review. When writing about Shane Saunders, that won't be difficult.
     When Bodyslam introduced us to Shane Saunders during a recent UCW Inside Scoop video blog, Bodyslam was polite and considerate of the young man's feelings. Whether this marks a permanent change in Bodyslam's interview style (to be fair, Bodyslam was also courteous during his recent interview with Danny Sticks) or whether Bodyslam was simply being deferential to Shane due to the young man's respectable background, only time will tell.
     Shane is from Los Angeles, and it's a sure bet that he's from Western L.A. (I immediately thought in terms of Beverly Hills or Brentwood, but Eli tipped us off during match #384 that Shane is from Bel Air -- more on that later).
     Also, you'll notice Shane's wide grin when he's introduced as a 19-year-old. At exactly the 21 minute mark of match #384, Shane says to Eli, "I'm older than you," and Eli replies, "You're older than me? What does age have to do with anything?" (Yes, I really do pay attention to the dialogue during these matches.)
     For the record, that verbal exchange did not lessen Shane's appeal in my eyes -- not in the least. Also, for the record, that video that leads off this article is a joke; I found it after Googling "California Boys," looking for a parody of the old Beach Boys tune, "California Girls." That video does not imply any knowledge of Shane's orientation, which is irrelevant to me; Shane is masculine and hot.
     Right above the "California Gays" video, we have a still from the beginning of match #384. Eli is discussing the Eli Black push-up, saying, "only a man can do it, and I'm not sure..." However, Shane interrupts Eli, as he does frequently during this video. "Show me how to do it -- the Eli Black push-up," Shane requests, preventing Eli from completing his insult.
     From the earliest few seconds of this video, Shane's beauty is striking. Shane has great legs and a fantastic body, overall. Enhancing Shane's appeal is his vulnerability; he's biting his lower lip, gnawing at it, actually -- a nervous habit that is evident throughout this video.

     Eli proposes a push-up competition and Shane agrees. "I look better with certain lighting, so I'll face this way on this side and you face that way on that side where it's dim and nobody really cares to look at you," Eli quips. Shane may have believed he was out of camera range at the time, but his reaction shows that he's clearly amused by Eli's sense of humor.

     Since Vincent Stone has arrived on the scene, Eli has shown a kinder, gentler side of his personality in UCW matches. I always wondered how someone who looked so cute only a short time ago could have degenerated into a ruthless ruffian so rapidly. Now that Eli's UCW persona has begun to exhibit more complexity, he resembles Dallas Winston in The Outsiders (with Vincent in the role of Johnny Cade), a hoodlum with a heart.
     Unfortunately, most of what we see from Eli in match #384 resembles the old, pre-Vincent Eli. When it's time for a traditional show of sportsmanship, Eli doesn't embrace his opponent (as he did in match #375). On the contrary, Eli cheapshots Shane in lieu of a handshake. As a matter of fact, every time Eli succeeds in engaging Shane in a conversation, he sneaks him (oh, excuse me -- that's a New Orleans expression -- I think you would say "sucker punch").
     Shane generally speaks in an innocent tone of voice, always on the defensive. Shane looks British; he's polite even when being insulted, and even sounds as if he has the traces of a British accent.
     Shane has noticeably large feet, and you know what they say -- big feet, big...shoes -- and he uses them to communicate his pain and helplessness, kicking the mat, curling his toes.

     This initial meeting between Eli and Shane features elements of the Johnny Deep rivalry -- Eli's jealousy, Shane being good-looking and aware of it, born with advantages, being as pleasant as possible, unable to comprehend Eli's hostility and bullying. Shane even tries to laugh at Eli's jokes as he's being beaten up, but that doesn't lessen the severity of the attacks. This match depicts a great deal of pain (but you'd also see that in a "scientific" match against Ethan Axel Andrews) meanness (which you wouldn't see in a match against Ethan), but no sleaze (as you would, of course, see in a match against Quinn Harper).
     I cannot understand the dynamic between straight males -- beauty causes not affection, but envy and a desire to harm. Blogger Joe seems to relish the cruelty they display to each other, as evidenced by his review of Shane's match against the odious Quinn Harper (a match I will probably never view). Joe calls the match "a fierce debauch" and raves: "...he takes on pretty rookie Shane Saunders. Seeing Quinn catch the pure-as-the-driven-snow Shane in his baleful clutches sends a chill up my spine: terror and sensual excitement combined, the best kind of horror. Shane suffers beautifully, and his pitiful moans seem to charge Quinn up even more. Quinn twists Shane into every imaginable hold and position, both displaying the kid's pleasing physique for the camera and fans at home and sinking his hooks deeper and deeper in a nerve-jangling bodily assault."
     Getting back to Shane's match against Eli (which is heartrending enough), the scene pictured above is typified by Shane's use of foul language, out of character -- a young gentleman driven to utter such expletives by unbearable abuse, temporarily brought down to Eli's level. When Eli switches to headscissors (applied casually, at first), Shane seems to experience momentary relief.

     Then Eli perhaps tips us off as to the area of Los Angeles from which Shane hails. Eli compares Shane to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and -- probably not coincidentally -- tightens up on the headscissors. "Your mother's going to hear that you got into this one little fight, and she'll send you to live with your aunt and uncle," Eli blabs, drawing an analogy to the television show, as Shane suffers obvious pain.

     "F--- your story!" Shane yells, no longer able to cope with Eli's callousness. Not used to being interrupted, Eli applies the headscissors even more tightly.

     Then, of course, because he's Eli Black, and because he's on the mat with a kid who UCW is hyping for his good looks ("sexy Shane" -- the promos even had me mildly annoyed), Eli applies a well-placed heel in a sensitive area of Shane's anatomy. Shane seems as shocked as he is agonized.

     With Eli bending Shane in half, Shane's speedo-clad butt on display -- along with the magnificent arches in the soles of Shane's upraised feet (beautiful from head to toe) -- the match begins to sound like a high school fight between two suburban kids. "Get the f--- off me," Shane demands in a muffled, exasperated, adolescent tone.

     "No, I can't. I'm not allowed. I have to beat your a--," Eli answers, sounding (and looking) like a delighted bully. Then Eli follows up with, "You know what I'm going to do now? Beat your a--." A spanking scene commences -- quite possibly the hottest segment in the video.

     Then Eli grabs Shane's ankles and announces that he's a member of Harvard's rowing crew. Eli utilizes the privileged young man's legs like oars, further punishing Shane's back in this even more extreme position.

     This is a really hot video. It's like Eli's second match against Johnny Deep (my measuring rod for perfection), but less traumatizing. Shane suffers, but he's not totally destroyed. It's possible to watch this match all the way through without becoming so outraged that you have to pause the tape and regain your composure.
     The scene below depicts typical action. Eli is pulling Shane toward him, clutching Shane's left leg and a handful of Shane's curly locks. At the same time Eli is punishing Shane with a knee in his gut. For his part, Shane is holding Eli's left arm, trying to reduce the pressure on his scalp, while vainly (almost timidly) throwing ineffective punches at Eli's abs. This sort of thing continues for most of the half-hour match.

     In what could be an homage to UCW match #336 -- perhaps the most harrowing, emotionally intense Underground Wrestling match of all time -- Eli proffers a referee's shirt. "You know, I think instead of fighting in UCW, maybe you should think of taking another option that gets you less of a beating. It might be reffing. Would you like to do some reffing?" Eli asks Shane sarcastically. "No, I'll pass," Shane responds nervously.

     "Are you sure? I think you'll look pretty good in this," Eli mocks.
     "I look good in everything, so..."  Shane is displaying bravado via this half-finished sentence, but he's flinching whenever Eli makes a sudden move. (Nodding his head to placate Eli. Wary, but not wanting to antagonize the hoodlum. Chewing his lower lip harder than ever. Holding on to some meager hope of ingratiating himself to the bully, but not wanting to humiliate himself in the process. Maintaining his pride while under pressure. It's a cat-and-mouse game and if you're inclined to feel protectiveness toward Shane, this scene will really do it for you.)

This still seems to capture the essence of both Shane and Eli.

     "Aw, I don't know. I'll show you. What do you think?" Eli persists, holding the shirt in front of Shane.
     "I think it looks pretty damn good..." Shane summons the boldness to say.

     Eli kicks him below the belt a millisecond after those words left Shane's lips.
     "AH! S--T!" Shane gasps -- as much an expression of physical pain as it is a display of outrage over Eli's behavior.

     There are moments, few and far between, when Shane takes control during this match. At those moments, you can read the visceral displeasure on Eli's face and note the thirst for vengeance in his eyes.

     In every instance, Eli's acts of retribution on Shane are merciless.

     Match #384 is one of the most emotionally intense Underground Wrestling matches you're ever likely to see, especially if you study it and understand the subtexts. Eli vs. Shane is both a culture clash and an example of class warfare. You can currently download here: UCW Wrestling: Latest Videos. (The page may change if you read this a few weeks after it's been published, so explore the site and find video #384. Trust Old Freddie -- it's worth every penny.)

     Match #384 gets four and a half hugs-and-kisses out of five -- a mere breath away from the perfection of #336. This video may break your heart, but the experience will probably just make you love Shane even more. A star is born.