Ethan Axel Andrews & Quinn Harper vs. Vince Stone & Eli Black: Comedy Tonight

Something familiar, Something peculiar,
Something for everyone: A comedy tonight!

Something appealing, Something appalling,
Something for everyone: A comedy tonight!

Nothing with kings, nothing with crowns;
Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns!

Old situations, New complications,
Nothing portentous or polite;
Tragedy tomorrow, Comedy tonight!

Something convulsive, Something repulsive,
Something for everyone: A comedy tonight!

Something aesthetic, Something frenetic,
Something for everyone: A comedy tonight!

Nothing with gods, nothing with fate;
Weighty affairs will just have to wait!

Nothing that's formal, Nothing that's normal,
No recitations to recite;
Open up the curtain: Comedy Tonight!

Something erratic, Something dramatic,
Something for everyone: A comedy tonight!

Frenzy and frolic, Strictly symbolic,
Something for everyone: A comedy tonight!

Something familiar, Something peculiar,
Something for everybody: Comedy tonight!
Something that's gaudy, Something that's bawdy--
Something for everybawdy!
Comedy tonight!

Nothing that's grim. Nothing that's Greek.
She plays Medea later this week.

Stunning surprises! Cunning disguises!
Hundreds of actors out of sight!

Pantaloons and tunics! Courtesans and eunuchs!
Funerals and chases! Baritones and basses!
Panderers! Philanderers!
Cupidity! Timidity!
Mistakes! Fakes!
Rhymes! Crimes!
Tumblers! Grumblers!
Bumblers! Fumblers!

No royal curse, no Trojan horse,
And a happy ending, of course!
Goodness and badness,
Panic is madness--
This time it all turns out all right!
Tragedy tomorrow, Comedy tonight!

     UCW Wrestling match #381 begins with a standup comedy routine, the humor of which is derived from the spectacle of macho straight guys parodying gay behavior (something with which Quinn Harper is quite familiar -- yes, very familiar). Eli Black is frolicking with his new tag team partner, Vincent Stone, in the UCW mat room when Quinn Harper (Eli's former tag partner) walks in on them.

ELI (to Quinn): "I didn't want you to find out like this."

QUINN: "Find out like this? It's all over the bathroom stalls! Come on!"

ELI: "Look. Listen. You didn't get the hint? Alright, what happened last time? I back stabbed you. I cheated on you. Take a hint!"

QUINN: "And I'm still here. Take a hint that I'm not going anywhere."

ELI: "What makes you think I'd want to take you back? I went to the length of cheating on you because you suck at being a tag team partner and lost every match. What makes you think I'd want you to stay? You don't satisfy my needs! You don't make me happy! (At that point, Vincent breaks up in laughter.) We don't win. So therefore, yes, I've had to go a different route."

QUINN (pointing at Vincent): "That's not how this is going to go."

ELI: "This is how it's going to go."

QUINN: "There are other people..."

     Quinn then beseeches the only other wrestler at the locale, UCW co-owner Ethan Axel Andrews, to be his tag team partner in this match. For some inexplicable reason, Axel agrees to become involved in this asinine domestic squabble.
     When I first heard about match #381, I was dismayed by the tag team pairings. An Axel & Vincent vs. Eli & Quinn match-up would be a classic "face vs. heel" encounter (and I wouldn't be troubled by divided loyalties). Via their Facebook page, UCW posted this message to me: "Axel says to watch the match, and you will approve and understand everything, Freddie Young."
     In actuality, I don't think that even Axel approves of these alliances. At the start of this match, Ethan tells Vince, "Sorry I'm going to have to beat on you but hey, after we kick your asses, why don't you just drop him (pointing to Eli) and come train with me? You need to forget this guy, too (pointing to Quinn)."

     I think Ethan listens to me (he's still wearing the same wrestling gear that I praised in my review of match #374), so let me just say this. Don't be influenced by "heel blogger" Joe from "Ringside at Skull Island." Joe may fantasize about "shuffling off this mortal coil" in the arms of some dastardly brute, but that's not your role, Ethan. When Blogger Joe starts getting excited about how "commanding and tough" you are and begins fawning over your "convincing sneer," then you know that you're heading down the wrong path.

     Speaking of Blogger Joe, even a broken clock is correct once every twelve hours, and Joe had a moment recently. Joe raved about Eli's "sunny" disposition in his review of match #379. I thought Eli was just thrilled to have Pvt. Jack back from the military, but Eli continues to be "radiant" (Joe's phraseology again) in this tag team encounter. I think Joe must have some inside info concerning Eli's personal life.

     Early in this video, Eli taunts Ethan with, "That's right, Axel, be a f*cking bully, baby." The line is delivered passionately, and Ethan seems taken aback. At first, those words seemed hypocritical, coming from Eli. However, as the match progresses, Eli's message gains credibility.

     Like a science fiction film, this video presents us with an Eli Black who is becoming human before our very eyes. In match #381, Eli is not the one-dimensional personification of evil who destroyed My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep almost a year ago (and Johnny himself told me that Axel's partner Quinn Harper, not Eli, was actually "the worst guy" in UCW). Eli now seems more complex, no longer beyond redemption -- while Axel seems to be sinking to "heel" level.

Is all this really necessary?

     As for newcomer Vincent Stone, he's positively adorable (even if he is slow at answering his fan mail). At the very start of this match, after a stunning display of razzle-dazzle choreography, Vincent finds himself in control of Quinn Harper via the proficient utilization of a Boston Crab. Vince looks right into the camera lens (an unusual and endearing habit of his) with a proud, "hey, look at me" expression.

     From a standpoint of structure, this is a pretty loose production (as one might expect from a UCW tag match with no referee). Spontaneity takes precedence over precision and there are plenty of stumbles and bumbles along the way. For example, at the 9:30 mark, Ethan almost inadvertently pins Vince. The rookie can't kick out and Eli can't make the save in time. In order to produce a match of marketable length, Quinn is forced to interfere on his opponent's behalf.

     Thinking on his feet, Eli exclaims to Quinn, "Touché! I was waiting for that. I like what I saw." Eli (who is really sharp throughout this production) encourages us to suspect that Quinn's desperation move was actually a foreshadowing of an imminent tag team betrayal.

     Despite the gratuitous, over-the-top violence done to Eli during a portion of this presentation, match #381 is basically a lighthearted romp. Ethan insisted that Vincent be given a free pass during most of this video (except for an unfortunate instance near the end, which we'll discuss later). As a result, Vince makes mischief with impunity. For example, when Vince puts Axel in a surfboard, he places his right foot in an inappropriate spot (this titillates Quinn, who admits to having "mixed feelings" about the maneuver).

Oh -- and Vince is staring at the camera again.

     Vince does receive some comeuppance, though, and he takes his bumps like a trooper. While sandwiched in the middle of a double bearhug, Vince can see Quinn positioning himself to deliver a low blow, but there's nothing that the hotboy can do to prevent it.

     Now, once again, I must take exception to a remark that Blogger Joe made in his review of this match. Joe is always far more glib than insightful, but when he says, "Quinn specially targets his young, doomed-looking replacement, Vincent," I have to wonder if Joe even watched this video.

     Both Quinn and Ethan target Eli in match #381. It's all fun and games for Vincent up until the troubling 26:45 mark (which, once again, we will discuss later). For example, here's "doomed-looking" Vincent seemingly having the time of his life (and this is not atypical of most of the action in this match).

     At the 10:44 mark, Eli prepares to deliver his patented finishing move, the Shutdown, on Axel. Eli remarks, "It's a little early, but what the hell." Then Eli says to Vincent, "Do you want to smack his ass for good luck?" Vince is happy to oblige.

      However, Eli isn't satisfied. "Oh, I think you should do it a little bit harder," Eli tells Vince. This time, Axel yelps.

     Now we'll discuss the last seven minutes of this video (the part that Blogger Joe may have actually watched). After quite a bit of opportunistic aggressiveness on the part of Vincent, Quinn begins to yell at Axel from his corner, "Axel, I'm trying to play your game, but I want to play my game, dude. Give me permission to be me. Axel! Give me permission to be me!"

     This is a pivotal point in the match, and maybe in Axel's UCW career as well. I was hoping -- even expecting -- that Axel would respond with a remark like, "No, Quinn, he's just a kid." Instead, Axel acquiesces, turning Quinn loose on Vincent. It's a sop to the sadists in the audience, and it will sell some videos, but Axel willingly permits the tactics that he has always claimed to oppose. Quinn dives out of his corner and lands on Vincent, pummeling the rookie with closed fists.

       Toward the end of the video, Axel will rather lamely attempt to characterize a smile from Vincent as evidence of a betrayal. In fact, the real betrayal occurs at the 26:45 mark, when Ethan betrays his own principles. As Quinn's attack continues, close-up camera work captures Vincent's facial expressions.

     Seemingly on purpose (and perhaps due to guilt), Ethan creates a break in the action. "Quinn, are you the legal man or am I?" Ethan calls out, suddenly objecting to the presence of all four wrestlers on the mat. (Seconds earlier, Ethan had been looking over his shoulder at the action between Quinn and Vincent.)

     "It doesn't even matter anymore," Quinn blurts out.

     However, Ethan is adamant. "Wait. He's the legal man, isn't he?" Axel asks, pointing to Vincent. "Or is Eli? Who am I supposed to pin? Him or him?"

     A befuddled Quinn releases Vincent and the kid grins. Vincent looks to the cameraman, seeming certain that there will be a cut in the filming.

      However, the cameras continue to roll and, thankfully, this fascinating portion of the match remains in the video. Both Vincent and Ethan are completely out of character, but they attempt to go through a few motions pertaining to pro wrestling.

     After several seconds of giggling by Vincent and Ethan, Quinn barks out, "Eli is legal!" and Vincent retreats to his corner. A few minutes later, the match's climactic moment occurs. I won't tell you which team wins (Bodyslam hates when I do that), but I will say that the match reaches its conclusion right after an edit, so there's no telling what actually led up to this action. No one seems to completely understand exactly what happened, or why.

      One thing can be said with certainty. Vincent Stone is the hottest piece of eye candy featured in a UCW production in quite some time. However, even without Vincent, this would be a memorable video. The use of improvisation in match #381 allows us to glimpse the actual personalities of the wrestlers.

       In the final scene of this video, we see Eli Black pantomiming the wiping away of tears. Is Eli being sarcastic or is he expressing genuine regret? Match #381 is open to interpretation on many levels, and the UCW personae are presented in a nuanced manner. I give this match a rating of XOXOXOXOX -- four and a half hugs and kisses out of a possible five (about as close to perfection -- match #336 -- as you can get).

     A message on the UCW Wrestling website reads, "We at UCW-Wrestling are proud to bring you the best young wrestlers (that's us!) in hot, high-energy wrestling action. We are trained performers and skilled athletes who enjoy putting on a show that pleases you, our home viewing audience." 

     Well, you guys succeeded quite well with match #381. It's currently available for download at the UCW Wrestling website on this page. Something for everyone. Enjoy.