UCW Wrestling's Michael Hannigan vs. Shane Saunders: "Ringside at Skull Island" Sucks

   
     Blogger Joe already reviewed this match. Joe knew that something was happening, but he didn't know what it was.
     Well, you need evil in order to appreciate good, you need "heels" in order to appreciate "faces," and you need Ringside at Skull Island in order to appreciate Old Freddie Young's Blog. Actually, if Joe hadn't pissed me off so much by calling my all-time favorite wrestler, Johnny Deep (MBPJD), a "scumbag," then there would be no Old Freddie Young's Blog at all.
     I posted the above pic to demonstrate a custom which Joe thinks became extinct 50 years ago -- two young men shaking hands before an athletic competition. I don't know who Joe hangs out with or how his "community college disciples" greet each other, and I don't really want to consider the possibilities. My imagination would run wild and lead me down dark avenues I don't want to traverse. Just the fact that Joe described Shane and Michael as "good boys who like hurting other boys, typical boy stuff" gives me the willies.
     On top of pulling the boneheaded move of using the logo on Hannigan's t-shirt* as the title of his review (with no explanation), Joe totally missed the big story behind the release of video #393 -- namely, the fact that UCW Wrestling has monumentally upped their game by producing HQ vids. This 25 minute video is 1.5 GB, a 1440 x 1080 vid with an 8320 kbps bitrate (by contrast, the last UCW video I downloaded, #391, was 40 minutes but only 387 MB, a 768 x 432 vid with a 1987 kbps bitrate). This major improvement in video quality is huge, and I'm flabbergasted that Joe failed to mention it. I'm not overly influenced by a video's (or a photograph's) technical aspects (just give me clear images that celebrate and immortalize examples of male beauty), but many consumers are (some refused to buy old UCW videos because the blue tarp-covered walls weren't "aesthetically pleasing") and this boost in HD quality should significantly boost sales.
     However, I must say that the aspect ratio of this video is slightly skewed (as if a video shot in widescreen [16:9] mode was processed in standard [4:3] mode -- highly possible, since I think Bodyslam and Ethan are using Windows Movie Maker for editing) but that flaw is only obvious in the opening scene, for some reason. At any rate, if you've ever yearned to see Shane Saunders vertically elongated, this vid is for you! (Oh, I'm so ashamed of myself; I promised I'd leave the lewd double-entendres to Ringside.)
     Since Joe gets moist over muscles, it's no surprise that he'd prefer Shane to Michael. However, when Joe describes Shane's "fleshed out" build, he notes Shane's "well-developed legs," seemingly oblivious to the fact that Hannigan's legs are just as muscular. (Shane has it in the "sexy trunk" department, though -- can't deny that.)
     Joe says, "I can't remember seeing Michael this sure of himself ... and talkative," which indicates that the absent-minded professor must have forgotten match #337. It's true that Michael was virtually silent during his recent appearance in match #370, but that was probably due to the intimidating, overbearing, alpha male influence of Joe's buddy, Quinn Harper. (I can just picture Quinn Harper before that match: "Okay, Michael, I hate to say it, but you've got no mic skills whatsoever, so just keep your mouth shut during this match and I'll handle the commentary.")
     Okay, I think I'm finished eviscerating Blogger Joe for now, so let me get on with my impressions of this match.
     Then again, maybe not. Here's Robert Zimmerman again, back when he was young and pretty (your friend Harper would probably want to beat him up), singing your song, Joe. Enjoy.

     There. Got that off my chest. Now where were we...
     Michael Hannigan screwed himself out of the All-Star title when he embraced (wholeheartedly) UCW's "no rules" philosophy as dictated by Bodyslam (and unopposed by Ethan). Therefore, Hannigan was the last decent, virtuous champion to represent the fed, and we've had nothing but monsters ever since (not counting Jax Briggs**, who was simply "given" the title by Eli Black in an ill-conceived scheme designed to put Eli in the record book as UCW's first two-time champion). Hannigan adopting a ruthless, win-at-all-costs attitude runs contrary to who he is, both in UCW and in his personal life (a volunteer firefighter and an all-around likable product of a loving, supportive, tight-knit, blue-collar family).
     In match #393, Hannigan is a "heel," pure and simple. During the intros, Michael (who is known in UCW circles for his sense of humor -- Damien Flawless, himself a stand-up comedian, particularly enjoyed spending time with Hannigan) decides to pose and flex in mockery of Shane "the muscleboy." Shane is so amused by Michael's performance that he momentarily relaxes -- and Hannigan takes that opportunity to cheapshot him.

      Call me old fashioned, but in my day, a pro wrestling "face" would never take advantage of an opponent's injury; such behavior was the exclusive realm of "heels." In match #393, Shane competes with a bandaged right knee and Michael targets it repeatedly (often using a closed fist). As a matter of fact, the moments when Michael is most successful in getting Shane to register on-camera reactions to pain occur when Shane's knee injury is being aggravated.

     Speaking of injuries, Michael is confused about Shane's degree of UCW experience ("Is this your first match? Third? Second?"). Considering UCW's penchant for releasing videos out of order, this may well be Shane's debut. Whatever the case, Shane bears no ugly bruises on his left arm. This leads me to conclude that those black-and-blue marks were inflicted later on by Quinn Harper (in matches #386 and #388, which I haven't yet viewed due to my disgust over Harper's presence).
     Oftentimes it seems as though UCW is clueless as to how to best showcase their stars (that was one of Damien Flawless's primary complaints) and this video features an unforgivable faux pas concerning ring attire. I wouldn't give a damn if UCW had Quinn Harper wrestle in overalls, but putting hot guys like Shane Saunders and Michael Hannigan in shorts that extend to their knees is an outrage. Furthermore, Shane and Michael remain in this unflattering garb until the 14:47 mark, when Shane is stripped down to his Calvins*** (and Michael disrobes from his baggy basketball shorts out of camera range, just to be sociable).

     By the way, The Stripping of Shane Saunders (that should have been the title of this video -- good use of alliteration) occurs when Michael places Shane in bondage -- sort of. Michael is totally inept at the bondage game (he's no Nick Diesel) and Shane manages to unshackle his left wrist in seconds. Shane grins and says, "Shit, you can't even tie a knot, dude! You can't even tie!" This mild chastisement is spoken in such a charming manner, Shane's words would have melted the coldest heart -- but not Michael's, in this pro wrestling "heel" incarnation. Instead of joining Shane in self-deprecating laughter, Hannigan goes on the attack.

     It should also be mentioned that Shane struggled so valiantly to avoid this bondage scene, portions were edited out (and, given what happened to Pvt. Jack Marino in #391, that's totally understandable). It was interesting to see Michael on the other side of a bondage segment; the ab punishment that he endured at the hands of Pedro Espada in match #320 (while trapped in the very same restraints) now seems less unfair. (Note: Certain edits in this video could have been the product of time constraints, including the one I just mentioned. It seems as though UCW wanted a high resolution video of manageable size; most of their prior releases ran longer that 25 minutes.)

     All in all, this is a highly entertaining match. Shane is gorgeous and Michael is technically proficient (able to replicate a lengthy repertoire of WWE-style maneuvers to a "t"). This match gets XOXOXOXO -- four hugs and kisses out of a possible five -- a very high score (especially when you consider the fact that most offerings from other federations would receive a "1" or "2" from Old Freddie). My only gripes are the basketball shorts on the boys during the first half, and the fact that Shane is not lying prone on the mat for even a millisecond (that's when I would usually utilize stop-action playback and enjoy some moments of quiet contemplation).

Shane Saunders, with the most expressive feet in UCW.

     As mentioned (several times), this is video #393 and it's available here in high definition so stark and appealing that you'll think the boys are there in the room with you. Oh, and if you're seeking the antidote to those knee-length shorts, lucky you! If you act now (god, I sound like such a huckster), you can still download match #295 for the bargain price of $5 -- that's perennial hotboy Ethan Axel Andrews versus the sexiest wrestler who ever lived, Johnny Deep (MBPJD) in...jocks!!! Download both #393 and #295 from the same page for under $20 -- and tell them Old Freddie sent you. The best value in gay wrestling today!!!

* I actually found Shane's parrot-decorated t-shirt more interesting, because I suspect that it advertises some L.A. area club and it might provide yet another clue as to Shane's exact birthplace. (I'm still guessing Bel Air, based on Eli's comment in video #384.)
** Also not counting Hunter Day, the misguided young man who didn't hold the title long enough to thank his fans for their support. (Hunter was jumped from behind by Eli Black and strangled until he passed out during his first video blog as champion.)
*** Shane's inspiration for this fashion choice is obvious.

UCW Wrestling's Damien Flawless vs. Pvt. Jack Marino: Game of Chicken

     This horrid little video, which only involves wrestling during the first 20 minutes, is entitled "Game of Chicken." To my knowledge, this is the first time in UCW history that a video has carried a title, and I don't think that the choice of the term, "Chicken" is a coincidence...

Just click on this article to read it, or go straight to the Wikipedia page.

     God help me, this video is hot, but it's a guilty pleasure, to say the least. In the hands of an anti-gay crusader, UCW "wrestling" match #391 could be utilized to demonize gay males in the same shrill, hyperbolic manner that "Reefer Madness" demonized marijuana 80 years ago.

     Pvt. Jack Marino is repeatedly mocked in this video for being a "pretty boy," with the implication that physically attractive young men are vulnerable to and somehow worthy of abuse (similar to the youngest sailors on a ship in the 19th century, I suppose). It is a common theme in all of UCW All-Star Champion Quinn Harper's videos. Quinn is a macho straight male. Former UCW wrestler (this is a "lost" match dredged up from the archives) Damien is a happily married gay male who feels uncomfortable in hedonistic environments (e.g., Ziegfeld's/Secrets in D.C.). In UCW videos, they both behave like nightmarishly negative gay stereotypes created by a Religious Right zealot. Take your pick as to which type of performer is more offensive.
     Speaking of Quinn Harper, four of the last five UCW offerings have featured the odious All-Star Champion (talk about overexposure), and this video provided us with hope for a temporary respite from Harper's sadism and sleaze.
     Even before the opening credits disappear, an innocent looking, t-shirt clad Pvt. Jack is jumped from behind by Damien, the uber-heel in a black singlet. Damien's dramatic entrance is startling and no one can deny that the pro wrestler / model / stand-up comic is a master showman (or a master of self-promotion -- Google "Damien Flawless" and you'll find an entire page of results related to him).

     The first words spoken in this video are Damien's. "You're going to be my b*tch tonight," Damien informs Jack. (Damien seems to have had a long-term obsession with turning men into b*tches.) The lascivious threat sets the tone for the production.
     The wrestling is rough, testimony to the fact that Damien and Jack didn't get along on the set. Damien blogged about this match, and mentioned "a hard stiff kick in the stomach" that he delivered to Jack at one point: "He seemed bothered by the kick and didn't say much to me after our match. I think he also refused to shake my hand after the match. I'm not sure what that was all about but I won't dwell on it."
     I mentioned this to UCW founder Michael Bodyslam during a public discussion on Facebook. Bodyslam maintained that Damien was "making stuff up" and gave me an "lol" when I provided a link to Damien's blog (if there was "heat" between Damien and Jack, it seems to pale in comparison to the post-UCW "heat" between Damien and Bodyslam).

     Having viewed this match, I can tell you that Damien was speaking with absolute candor about the kick. It occurs at the 14:22 mark, and there's an edit five seconds later, at 14:27. After receiving the kick, Jack gasps out Damien's favorite word: "B*tch!" Then, in a pain choked voice, Jack starts, "Oh, he..." and right there we have the edit, cutting Jack off in mid-sentence.

"It's so fun playing with a pretty boy..."

"Come on, pretty boy..."

"Get up!"

     When we resume action, Jack is still holding his ribs with Damien towering above him, hands on hips.

     True to form, Damien immediately drags Jack to the center of the mat and, for his next maneuver, chooses to apply bodyscissors (Jack is still clutching his ribs).

     Damien is a charismatic and sexy "heel." There is something malevolently aristocratic in Damien's bearing. Damien, with his alabaster skin, jet black hair, and long, lithe limbs, comes off as an almost Gothic villain -- like a vilely attractive vampire. During the first half of this video (the wrestling portion), my primary focus was on Damien. Being charmed by a pro wrestling villain may seem out of character for me, but I did have a childhood crush on Baron Mikel Scicluna in the old WWWF. Also, Damien's appearance in video #273 (vs. a particularly repugnant incarnation of the Black Dragon) reminded me, for some reason, of Flashman in Tom Brown's Schooldays (another sexy "heel").

          The wrestling portion of this video ends with a Quinn Harper style, obscenely placed claw hold that ostensibly causes Jack to pass out from pain. (No screen caps of such inappropriate maneuvers will ever be featured in this blog.) From there, Damien resorts to the sort of "rope tricks" popularized in UCW by Nick Diesel (another one of Damien's least favorite grapplers). It's the 20:40 mark of a 39:58 video and (except for one sleeper hold near the presentation's conclusion) we won't see anything resembling wrestling again.

     The remainder of this video consists of nearly twenty minutes of Pvt. Jack trussed up in the mat room at the mercy of Damien, who suggests a game of "gay chicken." Damien will put Jack through a series of ten, two-minute ordeals, some of which are designed to cause pain, others of which are designed to simply humiliate. If Jack is able to get through an ordeal without submitting (yelling, "Chicken!"), Damien will give the soon-to-be-serviceman $1000. On the other hand, if Jack submits during each of the ten trials, then he must service Damien for the night.
     It is Jack who owns this portion of the video. Jack's facial expressions enable you to virtually read his thoughts as he struggles to maintain some semblance of dignity.

      I have to admit that I didn't fully grasp Jack's appeal when I saw him in match #379. After match #391, I get it -- as will every gay man (or straight woman) who views this video. If you have a pulse -- if you are a living, breathing human being who finds males attractive -- then this video will cause you to develop a deep, heartfelt appreciation for Pvt. Jack Marino.
     Now finished  with UCW (and having "burned his bridges," as he himself says), Damien can speak freely and openly about his experiences in the federation. In Damien's discussion of match #273 (during which Jack makes a cameo appearance), he says the following: "This could have easily been the match to make or break me. One thing was clear I wanted to break Pvt Jack. There was just something I didn't like about him from the moment I saw his picture. Having never met the guy and only seeing him in video promos I just didn't like him. I was going to dish out some punishment and really not give a shit. I was going to give it my all and make sure he didn't take me too lightly...Seriously though I just didn't like him or his attitude and wanted to give him an adjustment. To me he is one of those people that has a pretty face and just talks out their ass. He is so smug and just filled with arrogance that you just wanna slap him. That is just my personal opinion."

     As Jack attempts to endure his series of ordeals, you can see the sadness in his eyes increase, along with a corresponding glint of sadistic glee in Damien's. The bullying reminds me of what Johnny Deep (Jack's best friend -- they entered the federation together, bolstering each other's confidence) endured at the hands of Eli Black. This dynamic is disorienting; when I first started hearing about the "heat" between these two wrestlers, I always assumed that Jack, the straight male, had been the aggressor.
     These "lost" matches are actually "custom" matches (matches that had been produced for one specific sponsor, who dictated the action). UCW holds onto them for a period of time, then heavily edits them and releases them for public consumption. As Damien says in his "Final Thoughts" on match #273: "I did eventually get my hands on Pvt Jack thanks to a custom match. However what happens in a custom match STAYS IN A CUSTOM MATCH! I can't share the details with you even if I wanted to."

     Well, what has been left in match #391 is hot and horrific enough. I'm not about to go into detail, but I will say that Jack is stripped down to a jock, and the young man's body is flawless (sorry, Damien). Jack in a jock (sounds like a line of men's undergarments -- Jack in a Jock -- more imaginative than Joe Boxer) is absolute aesthetic perfection. The fact that Jack is essentially being punished for his beauty (along with his sense of pride engendered by that beauty) makes the video even more poignant.
     The match gets four and a half hugs-and-kisses out of five. The only gripes I have are an editing job that leaves you yearning for those deleted scenes and, of course, a portrayal of gay males which sets back the struggle for inclusion in mainstream society by about fifty years.
     Since match #391 is a "lost" match, it is featured on a special page at the UCW website. On that page, there are also instructions on how you can sponsor a UCW custom match of your own. Hopefully, you'll request a match in which a wrestler like Jack is treated with love and kindness, not cruelty -- worshiped as the hot young god he truly is.