Blogs about underground wrestling federations and the wrestlers who compete in them, with a particular focus on Underground Championship Wrestling (aka UCW Wrestling). Featured wrestlers: Skip Vance, Jax Briggs, Ethan Axel Andrews, Eli Black, Johnny Deep, Vincent Stone, Shane Saunders, Michael Hannigan, Nick Diesel, Pedro Espada, Danny Sticks, Pvt. Jack Marino, Diego Valentino, Isaiah "Ice" Berg, Quinn Harper, Hiro, Hunter Day, Oliver Wood, Victor, and L.S. Powerhouse.
Showing posts with label Michael Hannigan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Michael Hannigan. Show all posts
Well, Ethan Axel Andrews just came out in a blog post published yesterday (publicly, that is -- Ethan came out to family several months ago). Now on his second boyfriend, Ethan had teased us with talk about being "taken" and having "a friend" but, naive me -- I really thought he was in a relationship with a woman. Oh, and speaking of teasing us...Blogger Joe gave us a hint way back in 2012 with another one of his (in)famous double entendres. Yes, this is the same Ethan who, only a year ago, was posting his profile on fight sites with the caveat, "Not looking for a boyfriend. Sorry, guys." Well, Old Freddie (unlike Blogger Joe) is never privy to UCW inside info...but he does have a theory or two. Ethan told me that his "type" were guys who were "built up." Now, IF boyfriend #1 was a wrestler...and he worked for UCW...and he was the muscular type...and he and Ethan enjoyed activities outside of UCW (e.g., Pennsylvania Warrior Dash 2014)...and then he just disappeared...I might be able to take a wild guess as to his identity.
Well, Ethan wants to safeguard his privacy; he'll let us in part way, then giggle and shut the door (a trait he seems to share with his tag team partner Michael Hannigan). At any rate, Michael Hannigan (if you've been wondering, and you just might have been) is straight. Michael posted on Facebook recently about "a new member to the Hannigan family coming soon" to which UCW founder Bodyslam responded, "You?? Daddy Hannigan??"
The current (for a few more hours at least) new release at UCW Wrestling is match #394 which pits Ethan and Michael (who I've cavalierly dubbed "The Gay-Straight Connection") against the repugnant Eli Black and confused, misguided (he acquiesced to be Eli's tag partner) Diego Valentino (who gets about as much respect in UCW as the dearly departed Hunter Day -- Ethan dismisses him as "that -- whatever that is," relegating Diego to inanimate object status). Oh yes, the referee is my friend and pen pal, Vincent Stone.
You'll notice that I've resumed describing Eli in starkly negative terms, because he deserves it. Eli treats everyone, including his tag partners, like dirt. The ONLY exception to this rule is Vincent Stone. It's monumentally touching to see Eli turn human when he's interacting with his childhood friend, but being decent to one human being on the entire planet doesn't mean that you no longer qualify as horrid.
Vincent is totally loyal to Eli, and that may be why Eli has befriended him. In recent correspondence, I told Vincent that I was lobbying for his return to UCW (after Vincent was branded by the fed as "in need of more training"). Vincent replied, "Hi. I guess it helped, man. I did just do a match with my buddy Eli in my corner. I also had my first MMA fight and lost but Eli said I did well and I will do better next time." (That return match is #395, which may already be the featured video at the UCW website by the time this blog entry gets published.)
Eli called Vince "the perfect combination of a 'face' and a 'heel'" during a recent "Inside Scoop" video blog, and there is something refreshing about the young man's presence in UCW (Axel mentions Vincent's "popularity" in the current "Inside Scoop"). Without giving away the outcome of match #394, I'll simply say that the manner in which Vincent announces the winner is charming due to his good-natured, guileless personality.
Originally, this blog entry was going to take an entirely different tack (no, that's not a typo). You see, Blogger Joe has already written a review of this match, and I read it before downloading the video (another huge, high def, 2GB file BTW). As a matter of fact, I actually "liked" the Facebook announcement of this review, due mainly to Joe's opening sentence, "At UCW I can barely tell the heroes from the villains."
This has long been a major gripe of my own. As a matter of fact, UCW's last release featured the usually virtuous Michael Hannigan behaving like a total "heel" as he wrestled the gorgeous young hero, Shane Saunders. Furthermore, Ethan Axel Andrews (UCW's ultimate "face" and anti-bullying crusader) sank down into the depths of depravity during his last tag team encounter vs. Eli (match #381, which Joe correctly references in his current review as that "excellent match from November"). In #381, Ethan joined forces with the odious UCW All-Star Champion, Quinn Harper, and brutalized Eli in one of the ugliest segments ever depicted by this federation. (Serious note to the world in general: brutality doesn't rehabilitate anyone.)
From match #381 -- Ethan abandons his anti-bullying principles
Therefore, my original theme for this review was going to be a discussion of UCW "faces" degenerating into "heels" due to the federation's "no rules" philosophy. Judging from Blogger Joe's review, I anticipated finding quite a bit of villainous behavior on the part of Ethan and Michael.
Then I actually viewed match #394 and -- surprise!!! -- the video bore absolutely no resemblance to Blogger Joe's senile ramblings. In match #394, Ethan and Michael behave like choir boys (as all "faces" should) while Eli and Diego are total miscreants. I was left without a topic until Ethan "came out" and saved the day.
It's interesting to note Eli's varied reactions toward Ethan and toward Michael. When Ethan goes on the attack, Eli seems to take it in stride. However, Michael's offensive showings are treated by Eli as an affront to his dignity, and he immediately retaliates. Michael is an aggressive, heterosexual male, without Eli's meanness and anger. The interaction between Eli and Michael is similar to what you'd expect from any pair of highly competitive, straight males (and it mirrors, in large degree, the mat interaction between Eli and Johnny or Eli and Jax). As a result, Michael suffers a great deal of pain in this match, and those scenes make a lasting impression on the viewer.
Ethan can't even watch.
Speaking of Michael, those scenes displaying his vulnerability to Eli's ruthless temperament enable us to once again view Michael in a sympathetic light -- and appreciate his smoking hot bod. From the waist down (strong legs, juicy butt, and alabaster, perfectly formed feet -- Old Freddie wouldn't know about any other portion of his anatomy down there, unfortunately), Michael is as sexy as UCW wrestler around (and that's saying plenty).
Joe does make a valid point when he states, "At UCW...the tag team matches are often the company's best bets for entertainment." Like match #381, this match is basically a lighthearted romp (frequent smiles all around) with the macho cruelty of Eli -- and the sweet, soulful suffering of Michael -- spicing up the brew. There is a surprise ending, sort of (if one is familiar with UCW history, it may not come as a total shock) and the close bond between Eli and Vince is always fascinating. The now "out and proud" Ethan Axel Andrews competing with his heterosexual peers provides yet another intriguing dimension to the production. Of course, the video quality is state-of-the-art, thanks to UCW's new technology. All in all, video #394 receives an XOXOXOXO -- four hugs-and-kisses out of a perfect five (as represented by match #336, the hottest wrestling match ever produced by anyone). This hectic tag-team encounter is available for download right here -- if you're reading this soon after I've posted it. If not, you'll have to navigate the UCW website, clicking on various "More Videos" buttons (but don't despair -- the search will be worth it).
Blogger Joe already reviewed this match. Joe knew that something was happening, but he didn't know what it was.
Well, you need evil in order to appreciate good, you need "heels" in order to appreciate "faces," and you need Ringside at Skull Island in order to appreciate Old Freddie Young's Blog. Actually, if Joe hadn't pissed me off so much by calling my all-time favorite wrestler, Johnny Deep (MBPJD), a "scumbag," then there would be no Old Freddie Young's Blog at all.
I posted the above pic to demonstrate a custom which Joe thinks became extinct 50 years ago -- two young men shaking hands before an athletic competition. I don't know who Joe hangs out with or how his "community college disciples" greet each other, and I don't really want to consider the possibilities. My imagination would run wild and lead me down dark avenues I don't want to traverse. Just the fact that Joe described Shane and Michael as "good boys who like hurting other boys, typical boy stuff" gives me the willies.
On top of pulling the boneheaded move of using the logo on Hannigan's t-shirt* as the title of his review (with no explanation), Joe totally missed the big story behind the release of video #393 -- namely, the fact that UCW Wrestling has monumentally upped their game by producing HQ vids. This 25 minute video is 1.5 GB, a 1440 x 1080 vid with an 8320 kbps bitrate (by contrast, the last UCW video I downloaded, #391, was 40 minutes but only 387 MB, a 768 x 432 vid with a 1987 kbps bitrate). This major improvement in video quality is huge, and I'm flabbergasted that Joe failed to mention it. I'm not overly influenced by a video's (or a photograph's) technical aspects (just give me clear images that celebrate and immortalize examples of male beauty), but many consumers are (some refused to buy old UCW videos because the blue tarp-covered walls weren't "aesthetically pleasing") and this boost in HD quality should significantly boost sales.
However, I must say that the aspect ratio of this video is slightly skewed (as if a video shot in widescreen [16:9] mode was processed in standard [4:3] mode -- highly possible, since I think Bodyslam and Ethan are using Windows Movie Maker for editing) but that flaw is only obvious in the opening scene, for some reason. At any rate, if you've ever yearned to see Shane Saunders vertically elongated, this vid is for you! (Oh, I'm so ashamed of myself; I promised I'd leave the lewd double-entendres to Ringside.)
Since Joe gets moist over muscles, it's no surprise that he'd prefer Shane to Michael. However, when Joe describes Shane's "fleshed out" build, he notes Shane's "well-developed legs," seemingly oblivious to the fact that Hannigan's legs are just as muscular. (Shane has it in the "sexy trunk" department, though -- can't deny that.)
Joe says, "I can't remember seeing Michael this sure of himself ... and talkative," which indicates that the absent-minded professor must have forgotten match #337. It's true that Michael was virtually silent during his recent appearance in match #370, but that was probably due to the intimidating, overbearing, alpha male influence of Joe's buddy, Quinn Harper. (I can just picture Quinn Harper before that match: "Okay, Michael, I hate to say it, but you've got no mic skills whatsoever, so just keep your mouth shut during this match and I'll handle the commentary.")
Okay, I think I'm finished eviscerating Blogger Joe for now, so let me get on with my impressions of this match.
Then again, maybe not. Here's Robert Zimmerman again, back when he was young and pretty (your friend Harper would probably want to beat him up), singing your song, Joe. Enjoy.
There. Got that off my chest. Now where were we...
Michael Hannigan screwed himself out of the All-Star title when he embraced (wholeheartedly) UCW's "no rules" philosophy as dictated by Bodyslam (and unopposed by Ethan). Therefore, Hannigan was the last decent, virtuous champion to represent the fed, and we've had nothing but monsters ever since (not counting Jax Briggs**, who was simply "given" the title by Eli Black in an ill-conceived scheme designed to put Eli in the record book as UCW's first two-time champion). Hannigan adopting a ruthless, win-at-all-costs attitude runs contrary to who he is, both in UCW and in his personal life (a volunteer firefighter and an all-around likable product of a loving, supportive, tight-knit, blue-collar family).
In match #393, Hannigan is a "heel," pure and simple. During the intros, Michael (who is known in UCW circles for his sense of humor -- Damien Flawless, himself a stand-up comedian, particularly enjoyed spending time with Hannigan) decides to pose and flex in mockery of Shane "the muscleboy." Shane is so amused by Michael's performance that he momentarily relaxes -- and Hannigan takes that opportunity to cheapshot him.
Call me old fashioned, but in my day, a pro wrestling "face" would never take advantage of an opponent's injury; such behavior was the exclusive realm of "heels." In match #393, Shane competes with a bandaged right knee and Michael targets it repeatedly (often using a closed fist). As a matter of fact, the moments when Michael is most successful in getting Shane to register on-camera reactions to pain occur when Shane's knee injury is being aggravated.
Speaking of injuries, Michael is confused about Shane's degree of UCW experience ("Is this your first match? Third? Second?"). Considering UCW's penchant for releasing videos out of order, this may well be Shane's debut. Whatever the case, Shane bears no ugly bruises on his left arm. This leads me to conclude that those black-and-blue marks were inflicted later on by Quinn Harper (in matches #386 and #388, which I haven't yet viewed due to my disgust over Harper's presence).
Oftentimes it seems as though UCW is clueless as to how to best showcase their stars (that was one of Damien Flawless's primary complaints) and this video features an unforgivable faux pas concerning ring attire. I wouldn't give a damn if UCW had Quinn Harper wrestle in overalls, but putting hot guys like Shane Saunders and Michael Hannigan in shorts that extend to their knees is an outrage. Furthermore, Shane and Michael remain in this unflattering garb until the 14:47 mark, when Shane is stripped down to his Calvins*** (and Michael disrobes from his baggy basketball shorts out of camera range, just to be sociable).
By the way, The Stripping of Shane Saunders (that should have been the title of this video -- good use of alliteration) occurs when Michael places Shane in bondage -- sort of. Michael is totally inept at the bondage game (he's no Nick Diesel) and Shane manages to unshackle his left wrist in seconds. Shane grins and says, "Shit, you can't even tie a knot, dude! You can't even tie!" This mild chastisement is spoken in such a charming manner, Shane's words would have melted the coldest heart -- but not Michael's, in this pro wrestling "heel" incarnation. Instead of joining Shane in self-deprecating laughter, Hannigan goes on the attack.
It should also be mentioned that Shane struggled so valiantly to avoid this bondage scene, portions were edited out (and, given what happened to Pvt. Jack Marino in #391, that's totally understandable). It was interesting to see Michael on the other side of a bondage segment; the ab punishment that he endured at the hands of Pedro Espada in match #320 (while trapped in the very same restraints) now seems less unfair. (Note: Certain edits in this video could have been the product of time constraints, including the one I just mentioned. It seems as though UCW wanted a high resolution video of manageable size; most of their prior releases ran longer that 25 minutes.)
All in all, this is a highly entertaining match. Shane is gorgeous and Michael is technically proficient (able to replicate a lengthy repertoire of WWE-style maneuvers to a "t"). This match gets XOXOXOXO -- four hugs and kisses out of a possible five -- a very high score (especially when you consider the fact that most offerings from other federations would receive a "1" or "2" from Old Freddie). My only gripes are the basketball shorts on the boys during the first half, and the fact that Shane is not lying prone on the mat for even a millisecond (that's when I would usually utilize stop-action playback and enjoy some moments of quiet contemplation).
Shane Saunders, with the most expressive feet in UCW.
As mentioned (several times), this is video #393 and it's available here in high definition so stark and appealing that you'll think the boys are there in the room with you. Oh, and if you're seeking the antidote to those knee-length shorts, lucky you! If you act now (god, I sound like such a huckster), you can still download match #295 for the bargain price of $5 -- that's perennial hotboy Ethan Axel Andrews versus the sexiest wrestler who ever lived, Johnny Deep (MBPJD) in...jocks!!! Download both #393 and #295 from the same page for under $20 -- and tell them Old Freddie sent you. The best value in gay wrestling today!!!
* I actually found Shane's parrot-decorated t-shirt more interesting, because I suspect that it advertises some L.A. area club and it might provide yet another clue as to Shane's exact birthplace. (I'm still guessing Bel Air, based on Eli's comment in video #384.)
** Also not counting Hunter Day, the misguided young man who didn't hold the title long enough to thank his fans for their support. (Hunter was jumped from behind by Eli Black and strangled until he passed out during his first video blog as champion.)
*** Shane's inspiration for this fashion choice is obvious.
I didn't suspect that this would be a "feel good" video -- after all, it stars Quinn Harper. However, that's what it turned out to be. The reason for that is simple. Both of these wrestlers have an honest respect for each other, and it shows throughout the match.
By contrast, the matches that Jax Briggs wrestled for UCW left me feeling angry and bitter. The only UCW wrestler who showed respect for Jax was Axel, and that was in Jax's debut match. After that, it was all downhill -- Jax got absolutely no respect from Quinn or Eli or even Bodyslam (during the two "Inside Scoop" interviews that the UCW founder conducted with Jax). Even alleged "face" Hiro treated Jax with contempt.
For those who missed it, here's how Jax was introduced to UCW fans. I'll reserve further comment on this and allow you to watch and judge:
Yeah, Jax is an Aries (like another former UCW guy, Hunter Day). Aries are the "newborns" of the zodiac -- the opposite of "old souls" -- and they often have a rough go of it due to their naivete. When Quinn wrestled Jax, he grabbed the kid's face, called him "pretty" and said he knew why Jax was hired. When Quinn refereed Jax's All-Star Championship "win" against Eli (probably the most humiliating title victory I've ever seen in an entire lifetime of watching pro wrestling) Quinn performed a ventriloquist routine, saying, "I'm Jax and I'm a pussy" in a high-pitched voice (even Eli seemed embarrassed and tried to play it off). Then Quinn performed a similar ventriloquist routine on Facebook, composing "sock puppet" posts via Jax's account (don't even try to deny it, Quinn) to pick a fight with Aron Stokes by calling him an "old man" (no, Quinn -- that's your title in UCW, and it's safe and secure) and Damien Flawless (who Quinn despises with a passion, for one reason or another).
Art often imitates life, especially in pro wrestling, and this recent "Inside Scoop" (featuring a Svengali-like Quinn demonstrating a diabolical control over UCW founder Bodyslam) is right on the money:
According to my nemesis, Blogger Joe over at Ringside at Skull Island, "Quinn Harper looks like a shoo-in for the championship belt." From the promotion of UCW "strip matches" (call me a prude, but I don't approve) to the paranoia concerning ex-wrestlers like Damien Flawless (who has never said anything even mildly derogatory about the federation in my presence), I sense the subtle influence of Mr. Quinn Harper.
A UCW Championship reign by Quinn Harper would probably be even more destructive to the federation than Eli Black's. To illustrate this fact, here's some correspondence I exchanged with My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep several months ago (my email address has been blurred but the address that Johnny used is readable, since it's the same fan mail address publicly posted on the UCW website.) Please excuse some of Johnny's language; the young man always did express himself in a candid manner.
Well, there you have it. Now Johnny is almost certainly gone from UCW (his last match was a "strip match" during which he received a head injury). Jax and Damien are officially out of the federation. Quinn Harper is poised to become the next UCW Champion. Do you see why so many of my blog entries are negative and harshly critical?
Alright. Well, let's look for a potential savior for UCW -- someone who can be a positive influence on the federation's owners and decision makers. Look no further than former UCW All-Star Champion Michael Hannigan.
In many ways, Michael Hannigan is the personification of UCW itself. During his title reign, Michael was the underdog champion representing an underdog fed. (I remember one underground wrestling fan saying he never bought a UCW video because the tarp-covered walls lacked aesthetic appeal. This was the type of shallow criticism that was frequently leveled at Michael.)
It's rare when you encounter someone who is universally liked and respected (especially in the dog-eat-dog environment of UCW Wrestling) but Michael Hannigan seems to be that person. From Damien Flawless (who recently posted that Michael should be UCW champ because he "works his ass off") to Bodyslam (who called Michael "a sweetheart for sure" -- Michael has been calling Bodyslam every day since Bodyslam's recent heart surgery) to Pedro Espada (who wrestled Michael and has nothing but fond memories of the experience) -- high regard for Michael Hannigan seems to be a unifying factor among these diverse (and often feuding) individuals.
Not to dwell on this at length, but Michael is facing his own personal challenges right now. As I mentioned in my "These Are Times That Try Men's Souls" article (the link is in the last paragraph), Michael's own father has serious health issues, but there's ample evidence that Michael isn't letting the stress get him down.
Well, on to the match I'm reviewing; it's #370 and you can purchase it here: UCW Wrestling. (It's no longer the featured video on UCW's home page because a "lost" video knocked it out of that prime spot before the week was up. That's the second time in a row this has happened to a Michael Hannigan video, and I'm not happy, UCW.)
Michael Hannigan's work ethic is often a topic of discussion, but there's also another point to be made. Michael doesn't just try hard -- he succeeds. If anyone you know makes disparaging remarks about the quality of wrestling in a Michael Hannigan video (or UCW in general), please buy this match and shove it in their faces.
Give the devil his due -- Quinn Harper may be a warped and twisted individual, and an all-around horrid human being -- but he has mad skills similar to Hannigan's. Quinn's been doing this stuff for centuriesdecades years and he's certainly attained proficiency when it comes to executing the most difficult pro wrestling maneuvers.
Both Quinn and Michael have as much pro wrestling talent as anyone you're likely to see on the independent circuit. As a result, when it comes to mat skills, match #370 is as fine a production as anything UCW (or certainly any of their pretentious, overpriced, formulaic competitors) can churn out.
The match begins with formal introductions of the competitors (something I suggested long ago -- could UCW be listening to Old Freddie?) by UCW founder Bodyslam, who is deliberately and entertainingly smug about his current ownership of the All-Star title (which, of course, he wrestled no one to attain).
The former champ is introduced as, "The incredible, the sexy, the lovable, the puppy dog, Michael Hannigan." Michael seems to enjoy the intro.
After Michael raises his hand and nods to the camera, Bodyslam continues, "I think they're all cheering for you." Michael's reaction is precious. Here...a picture is worth a thousand words:
Then Bodyslam introduces Michael's opponent, "Facing Michael Hannigan, we have the also incredible, mean, nasty, more like uglyish -- but nice abs, and a good kisser." (See the second video in this blog entry.) "I won't explain how I know that. If you don't know, we won't worry about it...Quinn Harper."
Quinn looks at the camera, too, but it's not quite the same:
It should be noted that this is a match between two Irish guys whose appearances contrast as starkly as their personalities. With his alabaster skin and jet black hair, Michael typifies a Black Irishman (okay, maybe Michael's hair color is artificial, but so is Old Freddie's face -- and it's going to get even more artificial once I sell my Connecticut home, I'm proud to say) while Quinn Harper is a ginger with a rapidly receding hairline (the cap Quinn wears for the sake of vanity is a bone of contention between the two grapplers in this match -- as it was when Quinn refereed Michael's match vs. Isaiah "Ice" Burg).
Personality-wise, Michael is a stand-up citizen while Quinn has kissed the blarney stone so many times that he could fertilize five acres every time he opens his mouth. Of course, Quinn does open his mouth frequently during this match -- mostly to threaten, mock or curse Michael -- while Michael (except for one instance when he asks Quinn for a submission) wrestles in absolute silence. It's almost as though Michael's reticence was preplanned, realizing that mic skills have never been his forte.
Instead, Michael lets his pro wrestling skills do the talking, and they speak loudly and clearly. Despite Quinn's obnoxious boasting during a Facebook exchange that we recently had...
...the fact remains that, if this fight had been scored on a point system, Quinn would have lost in a landslide. However, most people purchase UCW videos to see prettyboys dominated by maniacs, and this match delivers on that level, too.
This is basically a back-and-forth, see-saw battle -- the type of match which lacks credibility when it's performed by amateurs. However, Michael and Quinn pull off the give-and-take aspects flawlessly. This is an extremely fast paced match; there's a move or a counter move executed about once every 15 seconds -- and there is virtually no editing, no breaks in the continuity of the action. Pro matches utilize a referee to plan choreography, whispering the next sequence of maneuvers in each wrestler's ear during interminably held headlocks or armbars. In this video, it's just Michael and Quinn winging it; their imaginative improvisations and boundless energy are amazing.
When Michael is in control, you know that the tide will soon turn, and Quinn will ratchet up his own level of brutality in order to gain revenge. During those moments, you'll almost wish that the kid would ease up on the beast.
This match is 32 minutes long, but the time flies by. Although it's a cliche, there really is no loser here. When the match concludes, you don't have a sense that anyone has been victimized or given short shrift. One of these guys gets pinned, but it's the result of a minor strategical error after a long, impressive display of maneuvers by both participants. Each wrestler maintains his dignity. If there wasn't so much pain involved, you could even believe that these two savvy showmen -- one valiant, one villainous -- had fun.
Once again, this is match #370 and it's available for immediate download here: UCW Wrestling: Latest Videos.
FARCE - a comic dramatic work using buffoonery and horseplay and typically including crude characterization and ludicrously improbable situations.
synonyms: slapstick comedy, slapstick, burlesque, vaudeville, buffoonery
"the stories approach farce"
antonym: tragedy
the genre of farce.
an absurd event.
synonyms: mockery, travesty, absurdity, sham, pretense, masquerade, charade, joke, waste of time;
"the trial was a farce"
How do you camouflage a really loathsome act that you've committed in real life? Well, if you're the owner of a pro wrestling federation, you turn the entire incident into a storyline.
I have to admit, this Facebook post from UCW owner Michael Bodyslam warmed Old Freddie's cynical heart:
At my advanced age, I should have learned one simple lesson: "cynicism" is just a synonym for "realism." Only days -- yes, days -- after Bodyslam posted that magnanimous message to his current All-Star Champion, this seventeen-minute Inside Scoop was posted at the UCW site. Bodyslam's "understanding" attitude toward Jax Brigg's circumstances was short lived, indeed.
Despite the fact that Bodyslam claims in this video that I'm "always putting him down", the fact is that I like and respect Bodyslam. Bodyslam is your typical Leo, the astrological sign of bosses. Bodyslam is a man of action, a builder by nature, with the sensibilities of a benevolent dictator. It takes the Bodyslams of the world to create entities like UCW, and for that we all owe them a debt of gratitude. In our thankfulness for the gifts they give us, we must try our best to roll with the punches they throw at us. Those born under the sign of Leo are gregarious and generous by nature, but just the suggestion of dissent makes them go ballistic. (I learned that after I posted my "How To Destroy A Wrestling Persona" article.)
Well, I love UCW, but I'll criticize it when decisions are made that force my favorite wrestlers out of the federation -- and that's becoming the rule over there rather than the exception.
Jax is no longer UCW All-Star Champion, and he's "out of the company." Maybe Bodyslam will begin saying that Jax is "on hiatus" -- an adroit choice of words, since there's an implication that the wrestler's absence is temporary. However, Jax Briggs is probably on permanent hiatus from the fed -- just like My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD), whose last match (#354) featured Johnny being stripped naked after receiving a head injury courtesy of Eli Black (Bodyslam & Axel's neighbor). Of course, that type of thing isn't supposed to happen during UCW tapings...
I knew #354 would be Johnny's last UCW appearance. I was right.
I thought that match #361 -- the humiliation at the hands of Eli Black -- would be Jax's last UCW appearance. UCW coerced Jax into logging on to his Facebook account to offer all sorts of denials but I was right about that, too. Did Jax quit? Was he fired? What difference does it make? Jax is gone. Jax's credibility as UCW Champion was destroyed after #361 anyway.
You know, I was watching an old match from the UCW archives the other night -- #160 -- James "The Never Give Up Kid" vs. Donavon. Now, Donavon is a hot little dude but, let's face it, he's the quintessential jobber. Still, James did everything in his power to help Donavon "get over" in that match. As a UCW All-Star Champion James was a class act. James knew the meaning of "generosity" as the term relates to pro wrestling (it's similar to "generosity" among actors -- i.e., you don't try to steal scenes). Watch #160 and then watch #361 right afterward. You'll see the difference between the old UCW (dominated by guys like James) and the current version (monopolized by Eli Black).
For those who sat through the first portion of the skit concocted to explain the loss of Jax, you'll notice that the vile Eli Black himself made an appearance via videotape (urging that Jax be stripped of the title -- since his one-month championship reign is such a disgrace to UCW, of course).
Nice haircut, Eli.
Actually, all of the guys demonstrated surprisingly convincing acting skills during this kangaroo court scene. To my knowledge, only Axel has any thespian training, and he was the sole participant who seemed unable to stay in character. Barefoot, bare-chested, and incessantly grinning, Axel seemed unable to grasp the gravity of the proceedings. (No, Axel hadn't been smoking anything. Because of Axel's gentle manner of speaking and mellow vocal tone, he's often mistaken for a stoner, but he's not -- we've had that conversation before.)
Axel and Michael Hannigan (speaking of classy ex-UCW Champions) were on hand to defend Jax, but they did so in a halfhearted way (the kid wasn't injured or in the hospital, for god's sake -- just working steadily at a locale far removed from the UCW house).
All of the passion was on the side of the "heels" in this debate. Quinn Harper served as Devil's Advocate (typecasting for sure), Eli Black delivered a convincing videotaped deposition (allowing one slip -- he only gave Jax the belt because he dreamed of becoming the first two-time UCW Champion), and there was even a Black Dragon in attendance (notice that I didn't say "The Black Dragon" because he's not a UCW wrestler -- he's a UCW persona that has been portrayed by nearly every grappler in the fed, at one time or another).
I am mentioned twice during the proceedings (once for "spreading rumors that go around about the company when something happens" and once for being a potential candidate for UCW referee) but, in both cases, I'm given second billing to my nemesis, Blogger Joe over at "Ringside at Skull Island." Ah, well. Life is unfair. Just ask Jax Briggs.
Now, getting back to the shenanigans on the latest Inside Scoop -- let's suspend our disbelief for a second and take these proceedings seriously. Presumably, Jax is being stripped of the title and kicked out of the fed because he hasn't been defending the UCW All-Star Championship during the past few weeks...and we all know how many UCW matches were scheduled during that time period...
...but anyway...
1. Jax has been UCW All-Star Champion for the last month.
2. The 24/7 rule has been in effect for the past month.
3. That means that Jax has been defending the title 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
4. Jax has been stripped of the title for not defending it.
Makes sense, right?
Well, Michael Bodyslam has used UCW's loss of another highly popular wrestler to create a storyline in which he can parody one of his competitors. Bodyslam has stripped Jax of the title and seized the belt for himself, "just like many other owners. They make their boyfriend or they make themselves the champion of the company...I will make all stipulations the day of the match. My stipulations rule, and no other opinions will be taken into consideration."
There's more such foolishness, but you get the gist.
That's the current state of UCW wrestling, folks. The founder has taken a "heel" turn in order to needle one of his rivals and most of our favorite wrestlers (including the star of the site's currently featured video) are "on hiatus."
This story began a few months ago when a young Aries guy (the "wide-eyed innocents" of the zodiac) showed up at the UCW house, offering a deal on promotional t-shirts from a local print shop. The kid was encouraged to train for the fed, and he soon discovered that "wrestling Axel is about as much fun as a guy can have."
According to Bodyslam, "If Jax is ever interested in working for UCW again, all he has to do is come to tryouts, and we'll see what he's got and what he's capable of. But maybe he'll have to get a note from his mommy that he's allowed to do this."
That's how the story ends.
Thank you, Jax Briggs, for giving us four of the most highly entertaining matches in the history of UCW. Thank you for inspiring me to keep blogging after Johnny was forced out. I will miss you so much.
“Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces." -- Matthew 7:6 New American Standard Bible (NASB)
Well, I'm hanging out at this hustler bar in Philadelphia called Underground CW (aka UCW) and if you don't know what hustler bars are, have I got a book for you. They're basically places where beautiful young guys with complicated personalities (and lives) congregate, willing to provide paid entertainment for middle-aged gay gentlemen (as long as they're not required to compromise their masculinity).
New Orleans is full of such places, but I've been stuck up in Connecticut trying to maintain this beauty of a house I inherited and feeling like a fish out of water. Most of the rest of the country now hustles via the internet and I think it's a shame. Thankfully, I found UCW and the six hour trek to Philly is well worth the time and effort.
The place is owned by two guys, Michael Bodyslam (a gentleman around my age) and a hot young stud named Ethan Axel Andrews. Such father-son surrogate combos often become lasting relationships -- it's not as rare as you may think.
Yeah, yeah. You're family, Ethan -- whether you know it or not. Anyway, I never forgave you for not liking that fan fiction I wrote about you. Don't talk to me right now.
Getting back to what I was saying, there's this one dude hanging out here who gets me on edge every time I glance at him. His name is Eli Black, and he's sort of become the bar's de facto enforcer. I know the type. You get a guy who's popular with a lot of the customers and, if he's shrewd enough, pretty soon he takes the place over. Eli practically lives in this establishment now, and he's the henchman for the owners. Eli is like UCW's bouncer. Anyone causes trouble, Eli steps up.
Eli is in a special position at UCW and he uses it to his advantage. Truthfully, Eli can pretty much do whatever he pleases at UCW now. If some brash, young guy comes in off the streets and starts distracting the customers' attention away from Eli, Eli will deal with it. There won't be any repercussions from management, either.
Oh, I didn't need to be reminded of that. My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) -- it just breaks my heart, what Eli did to him. I need another cocktail, bartender. Alcohol gets my creative juices flowing and enables me to compose amusing blog entries for you. Otherwise, I'd get too bitter, just thinking of how Johnny was run out of this bar by that...monster.
Ah, that's good stuff. Fulton's Harvest Pumpkin Pie creme liqueur. Anything pumpkin -- right, Ethan?
Well, that's a relief. I guess even an old broken clock like me is correct once every twelve hours. By the way, whenever you smile I can't help but notice that tooth you chipped getting bashed into the cinder block wall just like...oh, I have to put these negative thoughts out of my mind. Ah, let me just concentrate on my drinking, shut this bar out of my mind, ignore Eli, and reminisce...
You know, the first celebrity crush Old Freddie can recall having was on a Boston Red Sox player named Tony Conigliaro. I was just a little kid then -- not even ten years old. Tony was pretty much of a kid, too -- started playing major league baseball at 19. Then he got hit by a pitch, injured bad, and it killed his career. Seems like I had a thing for handsome guys in rough situations even then. Damned near 50 years ago, and nothing ever changes. Hmm...now who does Tony Conigliaro remind me of? I'm trying to think...
Anyhow, after Tony couldn't play ball anymore, he tried a singing career. I remember Tony performing "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" on the Merv Griffin show. I can't recall if Tony could really sing, but I fell in love with him right then and there.
You've got a point, Aron. Sorry about that, my Jersey boy. Hey, it ain't nothing. Now excuse me while I kick some Spartan ass over here.
Good. I don't like that guy. I mean, I talked shit about him and then I felt bad and apologized, but I still don't like him. Oh, hey -- speaking of talking shit, that Blogger Joe guy was just in here and he called you a dick. Huh? You talking to me?
Yeah, Aron. I was just quoting Blogger Joe. That's what he said about you. Everyone heard him. Oh, man. Forget about it. That blogger guy walks in here, he's dead meat.
Hey, I don't blame...
Whoa! I can't believe it! Guess who just decided to stick his head into the door? His eyes aren't accustomed to the dim light, though. I don't think he sees me.
HEY, JOHNNY!!!
Johnny's looking over at Eli warily...but now he's coming inside and walking toward me. YES!!! A lot of the customers perked up as soon as Johnny walked through the door, and I can tell that's making Eli even more pissed off.
Oh, same old same old. I'm feeling much better since you walked in, though, Johnny. Hey, man -- I'm not supposed to be in here when Eli is working. I just came in to say hello. The only reason Eli hasn't kicked me out yet is because I'm talking to you.
Screw Eli. You're with me. Johnny, it's so nice to be able to talk to you. You ignored me for the longest. Well, Freddie, you creeped me out at first -- the way you always stared at me. I thought you were some kind of crazy stalker. I mean, I like attention but you were giving me too much. You seemed obsessed.
No, stalkers threaten people when they're rebuffed. I could never hurt you, Johnny. You're like the son I never had. Aw, you're a sweet guy. Now that I know you, I realize that. Hey, who's that bull in the corner though? I never saw him here before.
Oh, he's a new face -- and he's a pretty big deal around here now. His name is Jax. He's a nice guy -- maybe too nice for his own good. Man, that belt he's wearing with all the gold and shit -- that looks familiar. Isn't that the belt Eli used to wear?
Yeah, it is. Eli gave it to him. Huh??? Are you serious? Man, when did being nice start paying off around here?
I don't know if it will pay off, in the long run. The place is still a jungle. I worry about you being in this environment, Johnny -- and I don't like the way Quinn Harper is looking at you right now. Quinn Harper is here? Oh, shit. I didn't see him. Where is he?
Over there by the pool table. He hasn't taken his eyes off you since you came in. That does it. Now I know I've got to get out of here. Harper is worse than Eli. I told you about what he does to guys during fights.
Yeah, I've seen it first-hand. You have?
Yeah. He did it to Jax when I was watching. The "oil check" thing. That guy needs to be locked up. Well then, I don't have to explain it to you anymore. You know what I'm talking about. Listen, Freddie, it was great seeing you again. I've got to go now.
Hey Johnny, give me a hug first.
Damn. Even after that hug, it hurts seeing Johnny leave -- maybe for good. I just keep watching the door, hoping that Johnny will decide to come back.
Oh, hey -- I just saw Damien Flawless walk past. Damien won't be coming in here, though -- that's for sure. Guys like Damien -- the out and proud, openly gay, flamboyant types -- they just don't fit in here at UCW. The only way someone like Damien could ever be accepted here would be if he was in drag -- and that's not Damien's style.
I wouldn't feel too bad for the Flawless One, though. Old Damien got out of the life and hooked up with some fast food mogul. I heard they're getting married in a few months. Here's to you, Damien.
I've got Michael Hannigan sitting a few barstools away from me. Michael's pants are sagging really low and I keep sneaking glances at that cute ass of his. I don't want to make it too obvious because Michael seems self-conscious about not having a belt to wear. Michael is a real sweetheart.
Oh, wouldn't you know it? Here comes Blogger Joe again with two of his nelly-ass, pretentious friends (they're chit-chatting about "Southern Living" magazine).
Hi yourself, Joe. I'm just wondering how long it's going to take before you say something about UCW that aggravates me. What do you mean, Freddie? I love this place. It's fast, cheap, and out of control!
Well, I think you just broke your own record. What gives you the right to have such a condescending attitude toward UCW? Condescending? Moi? You've got me confused with someone else. I stand in solidarity with the proletariat.
You're so full of shit. I am never, ever going to forgive you for calling my boy Johnny a "scumbag." Oh, and by the way, Aron heard about how you called him a "dick" last time you were in here, and he's ready to beat the crap out of you. It's a good thing Aron hasn't noticed you yet. HEY, ARON!!! Well, I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable about all this. If I wanted to shuffle off this mortal coil, it would be in the arms of that Marcus Ares fellow, not Aron's.
Just shut the fuck up -- and get the fuck out. You need to go back to that BG Dance Club you love so much. You don't belong here. Security! I think we need security over here!
Oh, no. Don't think Eli is going to save your sorry ass, either. Eli hasn't forgotten how you called him a "punk" and said that you could beat him in a fight. Look at Eli. Eli sees what's happening over here. Eli's laughing at you, Joe. Oh, dear me. This is something of a sticky wicket. I believe that it's time for us to make our exit, gentlemen. Discretion is the better part of valor.
Yeah, yeah. Get the fuck. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Motherfuckers.
Uh-oh. Bodyslam is coming this way, looking plenty unhappy -- and he's got Eli with him.
Yeah, sure, Bodyslam. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Well, things were sounding pretty rambunctious over here. How many cocktails have you had, Freddie?
I don't know. I lost count a long time ago. Besides, that's got nothing to do with anything. You know I hate that Skull Island guy, Bodyslam. Now, Freddie...Joe carries a lot of clout here at UCW. Joe spends a lot of capital over here. You just need to calm down. You always go too far. You're hurting my bottom line.
Hurt UCW? Me? I'd never hurt UCW. I love UCW. Shit, this is my niche. I come as close to fitting in here as I ever could anywhere. I mean, if it wasn't for UCW, where else would I go? Yeah, that's true. We're the only ones who would put up with you.
Um...I'm trying to formulate a comeback but I'm unable to. I guess I can't argue with that. I can only say that, when the smoke clears, at the end of the day, you'll see I helped your business more than I hurt it. What am I going to do with this guy?
(Bodyslam muttered that under his breath, half to Eli and half to himself.)
Look, Bodyslam -- it's only because I hate drinking alone. That's why I get loud and mean. Where are all the hardcore partyers, man. I need a drinking buddy. Where's Hunter? Hey Freddie, I don't have to sugarcoat it with you. I don't have to pretend that everything is nice. You can handle it. Hunter was living life in the fast lane. Now he has to pull back and get some rest. It's the same story with so many of the other guys you've seen here in the past. You know the score.
Well, Hunter will be welcome back here, when he's ready.
Oh, man...I need to play the jukebox
Love that song. Hey, there's a customer staring at me.
What are you looking at? You. I find you entertaining.
Yeah? What's so entertaining about me? People think I'm a comedian or something, when I'm just being myself.
Now the guy's laughing. I'm starting to get angry. Oh, I don't mean to be rude. I wasn't laughing at you. Not really. It's just that you get so emotionally involved in everything. I even saw you here when they were doing the Thursday night oil wrestling. You seemed to believe it was real.
It is. Oh? You don't believe it's scripted?
Look, the stuff that doesn't matter is scripted. The stuff that matters is real. You see the true personalities of the wrestlers expressed during the matches. You see who are really friends. You see which guys are jealous of each other. You can tell who's got their shit together and who's living on the edge. Amazing. You can divine all of that information. You must be highly perceptive. Yeah, I can divine plenty. You think those guys aren't really hurting each other? You think there's no real pain? Haven't you ever heard someone say "cut" from backstage during a match, and then the lights go dark for a few seconds before the action resumes? What goes on in the dark? It's a guy trying to regain his composure after he was pushed beyond his limits -- and it doesn't happen by chance.
Well, I guess I was talking a bit too loud. Here come Bodyslam and Eli again, and this time they're striding toward me in a purposeful, resolute manner. I better hurry up and make my point.
These UCW guys are totally objectified anyway. The best looking guys are the ones that the customers want to see suffer most -- and they call themselves their "fans." I'm not even going to start talking about the private matches in motel rooms. You think you're leaving the real world when you come here to UCW? No. You're entering the real world.
Alright, I know better than to argue with you guys. I'll leave -- go home, drink some more, and listen to my music there...
Well, at least this UCW Wrestling blog gives me the opportunity to share some great music with you. Up top is live footage of Phil Collins performing "Missed Again," which should be UCW's new theme song (the saxophone solo at the three minute mark is killer, btw).
Below that, we have handsome, young UCW hero Jax Briggs proudly displaying the UCW All-Star Championship belt after only his third match in the federation (match #358, which caused me to experience an uncharacteristically optimistic outlook toward UCW Wrestling, human nature, and life in general). Little did I know that UCW was about to give us a Montreal Screwjob redux.
For those who missed it, match #358 concludes with Jax pinning an unconscious Eli Black for a three count (which could easily have been a thirty count). Jax then casually saunters off camera range, returns with the UCW All-Star Championship belt, and says, "Tell Eli, if he wants this, he knows where to come find me." It seemed as though UCW had finally turned a corner and ushered in a new era -- with an unfailingly respectful, totally likable young man now representing the federation (instead of a brutally sadistic megalomaniac like Eli Black).
However, as usual, the light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be an oncoming train. I didn't see it coming. I smugly savored the seeming irony of the next Inside Scoop video posted at the UCW site, in which Eli Black strutted and boasted about his ownership of the All-Star belt:
"They must have dug up that video in the archives and posted it just to rub salt in Eli's wounds," I mused. I couldn't wait for the next Inside Scoop which, I assumed, would feature Jax politely thanking his fans for their support and Eli experiencing a total meltdown. Instead, the next Inside Scoop was an absolute disappointment for several reasons (we'll talk about them later), but mostly because the video blog once again made reference to Eli Black as the reigning UCW Champion.
"I guess this interview took place before match #358," I remarked in a post after viewing the video. "Jax didn't win the belt in 358; he carried it away but no ref," UCW tersely replied via their official Facebook page. Naturally, I ranted and raved about the injustice of it all, but to no avail. Privately, UCW founder Michael "Bodyslam" messaged me and explained, "Jax isn't the champ...he didn't win the belt, there was no ref at the time...he took the belt but Eli took it back later in a blog that was lost when my computer crashed." Personally, I'm just about ready to give up on UCW and form my own federation. I've floated the idea past several current and former UCW wrestlers, and they've all reacted in a positive manner toward the proposed venture. Referring to UCW star Pedro Espada, I posted the following message on my official Facebook: "Pedro and I had it all figured out during our interview. My living room is big enough for a 10' x 10' mat -- we were going to call our federation LRW (Living Room Wrestling). I was going to pattern myself after Michael Bodyslam and Pedro was going to be like Ethan Axel Andrews (training the guys, hazing them in their first match). We were going to have inter-federation matches with UCW-Wrestling, too (our LRW heels would invade Philadelphia and attack the UCW faces, your UCW heels would invade CT and attack our LRW faces, etc.)" Pedro replied with: "I would need more training before I teach others. But I like the idea *thumbs up*" Former UCW star Damien Shamrock (aka Damien Flawless) offered: "I'd make an awesome trainer one day!" Even the rightful champion of UCW, Jax Briggs himself, commented: "Bring your new fed to UCW and we will school them." Honestly, that was so nice of Jax to offer free training to prospective LRW members! (That was what Jax meant, right?) At any rate, having my own federation would allow me to load the roster with grapplers like UCW's Fab Five: Ethan Axel Andrews, Jax Briggs, Johnny Deep, Michael Hannigan, and Aron Stokes (listed in alphabetical order via last names, since I could never attempt to rank those hotties according to the degree of affection that I feel for them).
