UCW Wrestling's Ethan Axel Andrews vs. Eli Black (with Vincent Stone): The Way We Were

     I had begun to forget why I despise Eli Black. In the recent videos leading up to this one (UCW Video #400 -- available for download here), we've been treated to an out-of-character, kinder, gentler Eli. Yes, Eli's interaction with his protegee, Vincent Stone, has been touching -- and it served to humanize Eli's brutal, ruthless wrestling persona. In those videos, Eli seemed willing to sacrifice a large part of his intimidating mat presence in order to keep Vincent out of harm's way.

     Match #400 features Eli Black the way he was, before Vincent arrived on the scene. This is the Eli Black who bullied My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep to the point where he quit the federation (although MBPJD seems destined to be enshrined on the UCW Locker Room page's "Active Roster" for all eternity, harsh reality notwithstanding). This is the Eli Black who was too much of an egomaniac to ever allow Jax Briggs to "get over" in a match (even when Jax won the UCW All-Star Championship). I could go on, but it suffices to say that my two favorite UCW wrestlers aren't around anymore, in large part due to Eli -- and I don't know how long a classy prep like Shane Saunders would stay with the fed if he had to deal with Eli on a regular basis.

     At one point during this match, Ethan tells Vincent, "I like you, Vinny. I really do. Don't get me wrong. But you've got to stop hanging around with Eli. You see, you're just going to get hurt." Indeed, Eli deliberately places Vincent in harm's way, time and time again, during match #400. Obviously, a shot at Quinn Harper's championship (and a chance to defeat Axel -- the most prolific competitor in underground wrestling -- who has beaten Eli in every previous encounter) trumps any loyalty that Eli feels toward his childhood friend.

     At the end of the day, Eli Black is, was, and always will be a boorish lout. This is clear from the very first words that escape Eli's lips at the start of video #400: "Oh hey, Miss Axel, how are you doing today?" Then, a few seconds later, Eli is doing his stretching exercises and Ethan is about to comment on Eli's longer hairstyle. However, Eli interrupts, "My a--? You're staring at my a--? Is that what you were about to comment on?"
     This type of talk was always offensive when it appeared on a UCW video; now that Ethan has come out as gay (a scant three months ago), Eli's hypermasculine attitude seems blatantly homophobic. Ethan, however, is too innately gentle (and perhaps a tad naive) to register appropriate outrage. As for Vincent, he just stares at the cameraman with a stunned reaction (probably thinking, "Hey, this is a gay wrestling video, right?").

     Concerning the actual match, this offering often seems like "custom match" material (i.e., it comes dangerously close to adult entertainment -- sort of like your typical Quinn Harper vid). There is quite a bit of vulgarity during verbal exchanges, and most of the action centers around low blows (and generalized punishment to that portion of the two combatants' anatomies). Eli's sadistic streak is in full swing, and the only reason why this video isn't as horrific as video #336 (the ultimate portrayal of pro wrestling victimization) stems from the fact that this time Eli is on the mat with a savvy, seasoned (albeit babyfaced) veteran -- not a heartbreakingly vulnerable prettyboy.

     At one point in the match, Ethan shouts out a threat to Eli in the midst of excruciating pain, prompting Eli to lamely accuse Ethan of being a bully (a criticism that had validity when Ethan consented to join forces with the odious Quinn Harper in match #381 -- a strange match in which Ethan and Eli seemed to switch face/heel roles). In this case, Eli is audaciously blaming the victim for his reaction to being victimized; it's similar to Eli scolding Shane Saunders for using profanity while getting beaten up during match #384 ("Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"). (Note: Shane, being the sweetheart that he is, actually tried to curb his swearing after Eli made that remark.)

     Vinny seems hesitant to become physically involved in this match, for good reason (Vincent vs. Axel is a no-win proposition). At first, Vincent identified himself as Eli's corner man, but Ethan seemed to invite Vincent's participation. Furthermore, Vincent can often be seen taking cues from someone off-camera right before he intervenes -- probably Bodyslam, who (according to his Facebook posts) enjoys seeing cute, young guys getting squashed in wrestling matches.

     Oh, and the UCW wardrobe department chalked up an epic fail as far as Vinny is concerned. You don't put jeans and socks on eye candy, ever.
     By the way, this video marks yet another milestone in technological advances for UCW. The federation just recently started marketing high definition vids, albeit slightly out-of-proportion (the wrestlers appeared elongated, not in a good way) and in bulky, difficult-to-download .wmv format. This video is available in HD, perfectly proportioned, easy-to-download, compact MPEG-4 format. (Now, for some reason, I could only play it on Windows Media Player; Real Player and QuickTime Player didn't work. Maybe my versions of those media players need to be updated with a codec or something. At any rate, play it on your Windows Media Player and you'll have a marvelous experience.)

     During a Facebook exchange, one of the purchasers of this video professed surprise over the match's ending. I inquired as to whether this "surprise" involved Vincent's involvement, and Bodyslam assured me that it did. Without posting any spoilers, I'll simply say that the action in match #400 unfolds in a manner that can be expected, if you are familiar with the personalities of the participants. This video marks a return to Eli Black's villainous ring persona -- he even punishes Vincent with a low blow when the kid makes a rookie mistake.

     It's Eli Black and Hunter Day all over again. For better or worse, the complex, nuanced Eli Black -- the guy who was wiping away tears after match #381 -- has left the building.
     Match #400 -- pitting two of UCW's most skilled performers against each other, and featuring a misguided rookie as the contest's "wildcard" -- is currently available at the UCW Wrestling website's "New Matches" page. Enjoy.

UCW Wrestling's Eli Black vs. Vincent Stone: Is That All There Is?

     Eli Black had me totally hoodwinked at the beginning of this video (UCW match #375). Standing with his arms folded and glaring like a stern storm trooper at debuting rookie Vincent Stone, Eli remained humorless as UCW founder Michael Bodyslam (wearing an "All I Care About Is Wrestling...And Like Maybe 3 People" t-shirt) rattled off a multitude of quips during the introductions.

     Eli seemed to be putting both Vincent and Bodyslam on edge with his sullen demeanor. Then, as soon as Bodyslam walked away from the mat area, what happened was downright touching.

     Yes, Eli Black not only shook hands with his opponent prior to a match, he embraced him. "I'm so happy you're f'n here, bro!" Eli exclaims. "What everybody in UCW didn't know, my boy Vinnie here and me -- I'm not going to say we grew up together because I am just a tad bit older than his young a--, but I'm like a big brother to this little dude right here." The sentiments that Eli expresses (and Vincent's reactions to them) are undeniably genuine.

     Recently, Blogger Joe has taken note of Eli's ebullient on-screen presence in UCW videos. Blogger Joe even went so far as to call Eli "radiant" in his review of match #379 and that telling choice of words caused me to speculate on a possible romance in Eli's personal life when I composed my review of match #381. After all, "Ringside at Skull Island" enjoys the same type of sycophantic relationship with UCW that Fox News has with the GOP, so naturally Blogger Joe would be privy to inside info.
     Romance or not, Eli Black is no longer the one-dimensional villain that he once was. Match #381 ended with Eli imitating the shedding of tears after his offer of a handshake was spurned by both Ethan Axel Andrews and Quinn Harper. This was a particularly poignant gesture, since Eli had been victimized in that match by some ugly violence from Harper (ugly in the sense of a scrap between two predatory beasts -- in this case, it was like watching a young jackal being torn up by a rabid coyote) but was willing to offer congratulations anyway. After the snub, Eli was left forlorn and alone to stew in the juices of his own hubris; Eli's only real friend on the scene, Vincent, had been kicked off the mat (literally) by Eli in a fit of pique just moments earlier.

     There is a concept of "generosity" that is unique to the world of theater. It involves keeping your ego in check and avoiding scene stealing. In extreme cases, it involves deliberately fading into the background and acting as a foil during dialogues, allowing your co-star to shine.
     In pro wrestling, "generosity" comes into play when you sacrifice your own persona's invincibility, allowing your opponent his moments in the spotlight. It's called helping a wrestler to "get over" -- i.e., achieve popularity and credibility among the fans via displays of ring dominance. In match #375, Eli displays generosity above and beyond the call of duty toward Vincent, his boyhood friend making his UCW debut.

     It's the type of generosity that Eli should have displayed toward Jax Briggs, when Jax won the All-Star Championship in match #361, but Eli's total lack of respect for Jax was mind-boggling. My disgust toward Eli (and UCW) reached its peak after that match. It was the type of generosity that all of the UCW wrestlers should have shown toward My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) instead of despising him for his instantaneous popularity and trying to hurt him during matches. (During his lengthy stay in UCW, Johnny was never allowed to experience a single victory -- and guys like Quinn Harper still post Facebook messages to me saying things like "Ya Freddie, why do you always back losers?")
     As was demonstrated in match #381, Vincent has a tendency to smile out of character. As a matter of fact, Vincent and I have corresponded via UCW Fan Mail and Vincent wrote, "My smile was bad and Axel and Eli were mad about that but I couldn't help myself. Some of the stuff said was funny." Well, Vincent, your smile isn't "bad" by any means -- as a matter of fact, it helps to sell videos. When UCW finally posted the link to my last review on their Facebook page, they chose to include this screen cap:

UCW knows a photogenic smile when they see one.

     Also, Ethan has no room to talk, after he incessantly and inappropriately grinned during this Inside Scoop about a UCW All-Star Championship hearing. Here, Vincent -- just click on that link, keep your eyes on Axel throughout the entire video, and you'll feel better about everything.
     At any rate, Eli managed to keep Vincent in character throughout match #375 by inflicting genuine discomfort on the rookie whenever it was Eli's turn to dominate. If you watch those segments utilizing slow motion and stop action, you'll notice the little tell-tale signs of subtle physical contact (a tap on Eli's bicep, a clutching of Eli's hand) indicating that Vincent is being pushed past his threshold of pain, but Eli blithely ignores them. (To be fair, Axel employs the same harsh method acting strategies during his matches; UCW wrestlers are expected to suffer for their art.)

     Since Vincent has been a friend/acquaintance of Eli's since childhood, he is no stranger to the "bullied kid" mentality -- just as the bully shows his toughness via ruthless aggression, the victim demonstrates his own toughness by nonchalantly shrugging off abuse. Trapped in a horrendously punishing crossface maneuver, Vince stoically endures a long, rambling Eli Black soliloquy. Eli bemoans UCW's loss of Johnny Deep, vents his jealousy toward Ethan Axel Andrews (the UCW wrestler who now owns 50% of the federation), and informs Vince that he will play the role of Eli's "puppy dog" in UCW. All the while, Eli makes a grand show of his callousness toward Vincent's suffering.

     Later in the match, Eli gives Vincent a taste of what his "puppy dog" role will entail. With a chain wrapped around Vince's neck (a chain that Vincent briefly used as a weapon after Eli advised him to wrestle like a "heel"), the rookie is led around the mat on his hands and knees, receiving various commands. When Vince asserts his dignity, Eli yells, "Bad dog!" and disciplines the kid. It's like a scene of verbal and physical abuse straight out of a gay S&M video that somehow found its way into sports entertainment.

     I learned from my correspondence with Vince that he has a February 8th birthday, which makes him an Aquarius (the same sign as Quinn Harper, unfortunately). Chameleon-like and innately nonconformist, Aquarius is a relatively thick-skinned sign, so Vincent was probably not seriously traumatized by the treatment he received from Eli (either in this video or during their childhood). Had Eli led Ethan Axel Andrews (a Pisces) or Danny Sticks (a Cancer) around the mat on a leash, there would have been quite a different reaction (both Pisces and Cancer -- along with Scorpio -- are highly sensitive water signs).
     Ah, I just imagined Danny Sticks (aka the Blog Burner) reading my comments in the last paragraph and rolling his eyes in contempt for my belief in astrology. I do believe that it's time for a musical interlude.

     ...and that's the Birth of the Blues!!! That's the Birth of the Blues, ladies and gentlemen, and that song goes out to my friend and yours, the irrepressible Danny Sticks!!! MUAH! (Just had to get that out of my system. Danny has developed an off-camera friendship with Quinn Harper, by the way. Need I say more? Now, let's move on...)
     Because Vincent had proven to be such a plucky competitor, it was somewhat heartrending to see him break (at least to a certain degree) at the end of this video. Eli had just applied his dreaded finishing maneuver, the Shutdown, on Vince and, being a master of overkill (don't forget, this is the same guy who applied a second knockout maneuver on an already unconscious Johnny Deep in video #336), told Vince that he was going to apply it again. This seems more than Vince can handle, and Vince says, "No!" in a weary voice but, of course, Eli shows no mercy.
     As Vince is being set up for his second Shutdown, the rookie struggles to get free. This annoys Eli, so he runs backward, slamming Vince into the cinder block wall.

     After executing the second Shutdown, Eli attempts one of his patently arrogant and humiliating covers, ordering Vince to remain on the mat for the three-count. Does Vince obey? Well, buy the video and find out. (Somewhere Bodyslam is smiling.)

     Without providing any spoilers, I'll simply say this. By the end of match #375, Vincent has been beaten up enough to satisfy Eli's ego, and Eli must resort to his typical, manipulative rhetoric in order to keep Vince as a potential tag team partner. (Shades of Hunter Day! I swear, Eli's initials should be B.S.) Eli fills the rookie's head with delusions of grandeur ("We're going to run this federation!") like a Jim Jones-style character in a sensationalized Hollywood blockbuster:

      Now that we've seen the human side of Eli, he's no longer a monster. Eli isn't Charles Manson or Adolph Hitler or Hannibal Lector (all of whom I've compared to Eli, at one time or another). In reality, Eli is a driven young man who alienates people with his overbearing personality. Everything else about the Eli Black persona is just smoke and mirrors.

     And that's all there is. Blogger Joe already wrote a review of this match, but that pointy-headed pseudointellectual with his legions of community college "disciples" can create his own publicity, for once. Just go to "Ringside at Skull Island" and search for it, if you're that interested.
     I will, however, link to the video offering. It's match #375 and it's available for download at the UCW Wrestling website, on this page (as of this writing).
     NOTE: Vincent told me in one of his emails, "Thank you for buying the video. Seems people like me but I am told its about sales so again thanks for buying." 
     Therefore, let's purchase this video and show support for Vincent...and maybe even Eli, too.

UCW Wrestling's Johnny Deep vs. Quinn Harper: Johnny I Hardly Knew Ye

     UCW match #325 is the one and only time that Johnny Deep (at the callow age of 19) fought Quinn Harper. Johnny battled his brutal rival, Eli Black, three times in singles matches (#354, #336, #264) plus once in a tag team encounter (in addition to the impromptu scrapping during match #332). Johnny grappled with federation co-owner Ethan Axel Andrews three times (#295, #277, #269) in regularly released presentations, and once in a "lost video" (a private, custom match which was eventually edited and marketed to the public -- #316). By contrast, during Johnny's lengthy tenure at UCW, the young man avoided Quinn Harper like a plague after this lone match was taped.
     Quinn Harper is also the only wrestler that Johnny singled out to me in a negative manner, back in the days when we corresponded (before I sent Johnny a birthday gift and federation co-owner Michael Bodyslam intervened, explaining to me as diplomatically as possible that Johnny was having difficulty handling all the attention he was receiving from me, and specifically requesting that I no longer send Johnny links to my blog entries).
     I almost quit blogging altogether after that, until Jax Briggs came along and temporarily bolstered my spirits. I put Johnny out of my mind as best I could and never viewed his infamous encounter with Quinn Harper -- until two nights ago.
     The match wasn't what I expected, in many respects. Of course, I had only Ringside at Skull Island's gleeful description of Johnny's suffering ("Johnny is the mischievous pretty-boy...whoop his vanilla ass...") to help formulate my expectations. Since Blogger Joe and I never agree on anything -- especially what constitutes male beauty -- it's no surprise that he and I would view this match from wildly differing perspectives. Joe doesn't even consider Johnny attractive. Joe's masculine ideal is a bearded brute with WWE aspirations named Big Sexy -- the kind of Neanderthal who would knock Joe out with a club, grab a handful of the gentleman's greying locks, and drag him back to his cave for a well-deserved ravishing.
     Whenever I watch a UCW match, I focus on the reality behind the theatrics -- the actual interpersonal dynamic that occurs during these 30-minute S&M improvs. I pay especially close attention to the verbal exchanges and I relate them to what I already know about the two antagonists' personalities. In the case of match #325, I want to know why Johnny came away from the experience considering Quinn Harper to be "the worst guy" in UCW. In short, I want to figure out what makes My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) tick.
     As soon as this video begins, before the graphics even disappear, there's evidence of a personality clash in the making. Johnny is exhibiting his brashest, most smart-Alec behavior (probably to camouflage his discomfiture) while Quinn is typically sardonic. (I almost entitled this entry, "The Insolent vs. The Embittered" until I came across that appropriate old Irish Rovers tune.)
     Johnny is almost manic in his reckless mockery of Quinn and his cardboard-and-duck-tape "championship belt." In tone of voice, facial expressions, body language and hand gestures, Johnny reminds me of an old classmate of mine during my junior high / high school days -- a prettyboy who deliberately antagonized bullies and frequently paid the price for his irrepressible sarcasm (needless to say, I loved him to the point of obsession).

          Yes, this is the same adolescent who, according to Michael Bodyslam, is "shy about his body" -- exhibiting teenage bravado toward Quinn Harper as he stands there in his yellow speedo with the cameras rolling.
     Quinn is scary. I'm a middle aged man (nearly a senior citizen) and Quinn gives me the willies, so I can imagine what effect he's having on Johnny. On top of Quinn's typically aggressive, macho biker persona, he's betraying evidence of a latent gay streak which makes him even creepier.
     Johnny is clearly going for broke with the rapid-fire insults, and he immediately succeeds in pushing Quinn's buttons by calling him an "old man." Instinctively, Quinn's lips curl and his sadistic smile becomes even more grotesque. For the rest of the video, Quinn (who has always been self-conscious about being the oldest member of the UCW roster) will reference this personal slight incessantly.
     Quinn uses the phrase "when you were getting your ass changed" (a more vulgar variation of "when you were getting your diapers changed") to point out Johnny's relative immaturity, and Johnny's reaction is both innocent and coquettish. Quinn seems giddy with lust as he observes Johnny's performance.

     Johnny is genuinely, legitimately worried about tying up with Quinn when the bell rings and the banter is finished. Whenever Quinn feigns an attack move, Johnny takes a step backward. Eventually, Johnny finds himself trapped in a corner.
      "I've got you in a corner. Are you a little worried?" Quinn ridicules. "Come on, come on. I'll let you out. You a little scared?"
     Johnny plays off his trepidation by continuing to grin broadly. Later in the match, Quinn will label Johnny, "an old man's plaything" in a game of cat-and-mouse.

     When Johnny finally dares to half-heartedly attempt a wrestling maneuver (still grinning), Quinn slams Johnny to the mat with unexpected force and scrunches the kid up like an accordion. The back pain wipes the grin off Johnny's face and he does very little smiling for the remainder of this encounter.

     This match is basically a conflict on two different levels. First off, we have the ire of a grizzled, mature man who was disrespected by a teenage wise guy. Secondly, we have the undeniable homosexual sadism in an individual who passes for straight in mainstream, indy wrestling circles. Sure, Quinn Harper may seem like any hell-raising, patriotic, blue-collar roughneck outside UCW. However, inside UCW, Quinn has ratcheted up the S&M sleaze factor to unprecedented levels. Nobody forced (or even advised) Quinn to behave in such a manner; what we see during UCW presentations is simply Quinn being Quinn. In Quinn's own words, he "wrecks prettyboys," and that's how he gets his jollies.

      In match #325, Quinn utilizes his repugnant Oil Check "wrestling maneuver" on Johnny -- not once, but twice. On the second occasion, Quinn has Johnny positioned in such a manner that he makes the kid observe the lead-up to his own humiliation. Quinn even tries to make Johnny lick his thumb in preparation for the attack. I won't be featuring photos of this segment, because this blog isn't "hardboiled wrestling kink" and it's not about to feature any warnings for "unsuitable content." (By the same token, UCW Wrestling isn't an age-restricted, adult entertainment site like BG East -- Bodyslam and Ethan, take note.)
     As for Johnny -- please keep in mind that Johnny is a jock, and he has a jock's mentality. Johnny's character was forged on lacrosse fields and on wrestling mats at high school tournaments. As a result, Johnny has developed a stoic personality; he doesn't allow himself to display vulnerability. Johnny is a tough, traditionally masculine young man (and no, Blogger Joe -- "tough prettyboy" isn't an oxymoron).

      Due to Johnny's innate stoicism, "selling" runs contrary to his nature. (That's not to say that Johnny didn't sell videos for UCW; Johnny was a hugely popular wrestler, and his lengthy absence from the fed has to be a financial blow to the company.) "Selling," as it applies in this context, is a wrestling term which means being very demonstrative and extroverted when you are experiencing pain (even to the point of exaggeration, as long as you don't jeopardize your credibility in doing so). Johnny doesn't "sell" -- in this match, or in any other of his UCW appearances. When Quinn applies painful holds (clawing Johnny's pectoral muscles, for example), Quinn actually does most of the yelling, drowning out Johnny's low-key  reactions.

     The above photo captures Johnny's initial reaction of surprise when he first experiences the unexpected twinge in his right pec. Within seconds, however, Johnny was coping with the discomfort and doing his best to appear nonchalant, as unwilling to exhibit physical pain as he is loathe to show fear or embarrassment.
     Ethan Axel Andrews candidly revealed to me that he will seriously hurt opponents who aren't "selling" to his satisfaction. Of course, Ethan and Bodyslam make a living by marketing UCW videos, but Quinn appeared frustrated by Johnny's stoicism on a more personal level. At one point, in an apparent homage to Dahmer-style cannibalism, Quinn actually dives in and bites -- yes, bites -- Johnny's groin area. Johnny screams and seems truly agonized afterward. Given Johnny's ability to shrug off injuries, this segment is troubling. In a UCW career typified by acts of sexual sadism, Quinn has reached a new low.

     I am in a quandary deciding how to rate this video, considering Johnny's reaction to it. It's quite possible that Johnny didn't really experience the full impact of this match until he reviewed the tape. Quinn's actions, outrageous and repugnant in and of themselves, become even more reprehensible in the context of his onscreen remarks. Quinn gloats about Johnny's victimization, reveling in his role as predator. The substance of match #325 is horrid, but the style in which it's presented puts it over the top, even by UCW standards.

      When I suggested to Johnny that Eli Black was UCW's main problem, Johnny was adamant about correcting my misconception. "Eli isn't the worst guy out there," Johnny informed me. Then Johnny went on to say that he'd rather get "slammed into a chair" (Eli's knockout move in match #336) than have to deal with Harper.

     As I mentioned, this match was reviewed by "Ringside at Skull Island" when it was first released. With typical insouciance, Blogger Joe smirkingly entitles his review "Handicapped," and you can read it here:

        

Ringside at Skull Island: Handicapped: In a strange (but, as it turns out, clever) matchup, UCW pits Quinn Harper and Johnny Deep against each other...

     Remember, this is match #325, available for download here at the UCW Wrestling site. Right now, this video is on this page, but it may be moved in the future. (Just keep clicking on the "More Videos" links and hopefully you'll find it.)

"I swear to God, you better quit. This old man will rip your arm right the hell off and I will beat you with it."

UCW Wrestling's Eli Black vs. Pvt. Jack Marino: Do It For Johnny!!!

     Up top we have one of the great moments in the history of Hollywood "Youth Literature" adaptations. That's Dallas Winston in "The Outsiders," vowing vengeance on the socs who were responsible for the death of his best friend, Johnny. Directly underneath we have a UCW WTF??? moment -- Pvt. Jack Marino ministering to a barely conscious Eli Black like Mary Magdalene during the Passion of Christ.
     You probably didn't know this (because I didn't know it until UCW founder Michael Bodyslam informed me) but Johnny Deep and Pvt. Jack Marino are close friends -- so close, in fact, that Johnny temporarily quit the fed because he was so forlorn after Jack enlisted in the army. Don't believe me? Here's a chat that I had with Bodyslam several months ago (click to enlarge):

     Now you probably did know this, if you read my blog regularly -- the last UCW match that Johnny Deep wrestled was also an oil match against Eli Black (#354). I'm sure you all remember what happened in that encounter (a bleeding head wound is hard to forget) but just in case the memory has dimmed, Eli Black is more than happy to remind us -- right at the very beginning of match #379, before the action even begins.

     Video #379 opens up with a shot of those two bosom buddies, the federation's thuggish ex-champion, Eli Black, and the current, self-appointed All-Star champion for life, UCW co-owner Michael Bodyslam. (Anyone who follows Bodyslam's posts on Facebook knows that he is quite forthright -- even boastful -- about his sadistic streak, so it's only natural that Bodyslam would share a certain affinity with a notorious "heel" like Black.)
     Bodyslam: "So are you ready to meet your opponent?"
     Eli: "Yeah. Who is it? Is Johnny Deep still back? Is he coming back? Did he wake up from his coma?"
     Bodyslam: "I don't think Johnny Deep will ever do an oil match with you again."
     That's good for a few chuckles. Not having rubbed enough salt into the wounds of my favorite former wrestlers, they continue.
     Eli: "What about Jax? Did he ever get out of that trunk I put him in?"

Oh, that's really hilarious, isn't it, Michael?

     Bodyslam: "Ah, no. He's probably still in the trunk."
     And so it goes...
     Of course, it's mere coincidence that the final UCW appearances for both Johnny and Jax were matches against Eli Black. Besides, Johnny is still listed on the active roster and he's scheduled to return after his summer vacation. (Hmm...now what was the title of that 1966 surfer movie?)
     Finally, Eli's mystery opponent shows up and it's Pvt. Jack Marino, on leave from his military duties. Now, if you assume that this is going to be another squash of Eli's former bondage slave, think again. Jack is more muscular (and hirsute) than ever before, clearly in tiptop shape thanks to the rigors of army life.

     Do you know what's wrong with this picture? We've got smiles all around. Where's the killer instinct, Jack? You are about to fight the guy who not only left your best friend stripped naked and bleeding from a scalp laceration (the aforementioned match #354) but also beat him to the point of unconsciousness, then beat him even more (match #336 -- the most affecting example of bullying, pro wrestling style, that I've ever seen, and my reason for creating this blog). I wanted to see Dallas Winston in that "Outsiders" hospital scene; instead I got something all together different.
     Jack remains disappointingly easygoing throughout this video. Jack is the antithesis of UCW newcomer Danny Sticks, who was the subject of my last blog entry. I don't know Jack's astrological sign, but I'll bet my life that he's not a Cancer. (On a side note, my fellow Cancerian Danny Sticks has seen fit to mock my interest in astrology -- not once but twice -- in recent video communiques.)

     Ah, well, it's to be expected. Two Cancerians never get along -- too much intensity. At any rate, Danny is now sporting a spiffy, new, never-before-seen UCW Wrestling t-shirt following his attendance at a federation videotaping this past weekend. (I wonder if Jax Briggs' old employer is responsible for the printing.)

     Okay. Enough about Danny -- at least for now. Let's get back to Pvt. Jack and his social interaction with Eli Black in match #379.
     Before the bell even rings, Eli calls Pvt. Jack a "pussy" (Eli's favorite word) and later uses a profane litany to describe Jack's mother. Then Eli looks directly into the camera and speaks to us about an abominable heterosexual practice called "bowling" (I won't go into detail, but it's definition #4 in the Urban Dictionary) before inflicting this humiliating and emasculating "wrestling maneuver" on Jack. 

Something we'd expect from Quinn Harper?

     Eli is actually one of the twin snakes in UCW's Garden of Eden. Both Eli and Quinn are attempting to lead UCW down paths which are detrimental to the federation. Eli's influence is for hardcore violence and Quinn's is for  hardcore sleaze. If we want hardcore violence, we'll watch videotapes of MMA matches (where Eli may also make an appearance, by the way). If we want hardcore sleaze, we'll watch one of BG East's lecherously contrived "X-Fight" matches. UCW is not an adult entertainment site. Furthermore, hot young guys who have a lot going for them (e.g., Johnny Deep and Jax Briggs) probably aren't going to keep showing up for taping sessions if Eli is beating them bloody or Quinn is sticking his hand under their tights.
     It amazes me that so many UCW wrestlers rationalize what happens to them at the hands of Eli and Quinn. For example, Jax Briggs actually considers the hellish experience at the hands of Quinn Harper during match #356 to have been "a learning experience." Similarly, Pvt. Jack absorbs horrendous abuse during this ugly clash with Eli, but the serviceman remains cheery and unflappable throughout.
     For example, at one point, Eli notices that the cap from the oil bottle has sharp edges, so he commences to grind it into Jack's flesh, proudly displaying the ring-shaped imprints to the camera.

     If that cruelty isn't reprehensible enough, Eli demonstrates that Johnny's head injury in match #354 was no accidental fluke by deliberately attempting to hurl Jack head-first into the same cinder block wall. Fortunately, Jack's cranium stops short of the wall by about an inch.
     "Missed!" Eli grouses, and the cameraman (whoever he is) offers Eli the helpful advice that there wasn't enough oil on that portion of the mat. It's all typically ruthless UCW behavior, even on the part of the fed's technicians. 

     In this match, Michael Bodyslam plays an important role. In past matches, Bodyslam has consistently favored his fair haired boy, Eli Black. Bodyslam actually served as a launching pad for an Eli Black frog splash on a hapless Hunter Day (match #345) and offered heartfelt congratulations to Black after the then-champ's fiasco of a title defense against Jax Briggs (match #358).
      This time, however, Eli is facing an opponent who the UCW boss favors, and that fact proves to be Eli's undoing. After dominating the first ten minutes of action, Eli pauses to request another anointing of oil from Bodyslam. Bodyslam acquiesces, but "innocently" begins the process by pouring the oil on Eli's head, forcing the ex-champ to wrestle the remainder of the match squinting at his opponent through narrowed, bleary eyes.

     Then, when Eli commands, "Alright, now rub it in like a good boy," Bodyslam responds, "Someone else is going to do that for me." At that moment, Jack sneaks up on Eli from behind and perfectly executes a Russian leg sweep that would have done Bret Hart proud. Eli crashes to the mat, the tide has turned, and Jack remains in control for most of the video's duration.

      I would rate this match XOXOXO -- three hugs and kisses out of a possible five. Match #336 -- the second Eli Black vs. Johnny Deep skirmish -- was perfection from the standpoint of a pure good vs. evil conflict. That video gets a full five hugs and kisses, and I don't expect anything from any federation will ever equal it. This video would have gotten four hugs and kisses -- still an amazing accomplishment -- were it not for one flaw.
     From the moment Jack stepped into camera range, it was clear that he wasn't serious about doing severe bodily harm to Eli. Whenever Eli faced Johnny Deep, you could sense the mutual animosity and acrimony as soon as the cameras started to roll. By contrast, match #379 gives us two rugged, macho straight guys roughhousing as their competitive juices flow. Although Eli's ego was definitely bruised by Jack's strong showing, his physical health remained intact.
     The very first photo at the top of this blog entry says it all. It is rare when Eli Black is placed in such a vulnerable position. The proper response, given Eli's history of merciless brutality in the fed, is to do what Johnny attempted during a few glorious moments of match #336 -- grab a metal chair (or any other weapon on hand) and pound the creature into smithereens. Just beat the monster until there's nothing left but a pile of dust on the floor. Instead, Pvt. Jack was benevolent of heart and showed unwarranted compassion.
      Of course, not everyone would agree with me about this general assessment, and Blogger Joe of Ringside at Skull Island has, unsurprisingly, a different point of view. Old Steamy Pants himself dusted the cobwebs off an old bottle of Geritol and managed to work up enough energy to compose a full, five-paragraph review of this match (which is like a five-star rating, coming from him). You can glance at all the giddy superlatives over here:

Ringside at Skull Island: Eli's Slick Hairy Private: I love the hell out of  UCW . Even its lamest fight (and there have been some lame ones) has been good for a...

     (Oh -- and look! You don't even have to read beyond the title to encounter the first lewd double entendre! What a joy!)
     As I mentioned, this is match #379, and it's currently the featured offering, available for download at the UCW website. Enjoy.