UCW Wrestling's Ethan Axel Andrews vs. Eli Black (with Vincent Stone): The Way We Were

     I had begun to forget why I despise Eli Black. In the recent videos leading up to this one (UCW Video #400 -- available for download here), we've been treated to an out-of-character, kinder, gentler Eli. Yes, Eli's interaction with his protegee, Vincent Stone, has been touching -- and it served to humanize Eli's brutal, ruthless wrestling persona. In those videos, Eli seemed willing to sacrifice a large part of his intimidating mat presence in order to keep Vincent out of harm's way.

     Match #400 features Eli Black the way he was, before Vincent arrived on the scene. This is the Eli Black who bullied My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep to the point where he quit the federation (although MBPJD seems destined to be enshrined on the UCW Locker Room page's "Active Roster" for all eternity, harsh reality notwithstanding). This is the Eli Black who was too much of an egomaniac to ever allow Jax Briggs to "get over" in a match (even when Jax won the UCW All-Star Championship). I could go on, but it suffices to say that my two favorite UCW wrestlers aren't around anymore, in large part due to Eli -- and I don't know how long a classy prep like Shane Saunders would stay with the fed if he had to deal with Eli on a regular basis.

     At one point during this match, Ethan tells Vincent, "I like you, Vinny. I really do. Don't get me wrong. But you've got to stop hanging around with Eli. You see, you're just going to get hurt." Indeed, Eli deliberately places Vincent in harm's way, time and time again, during match #400. Obviously, a shot at Quinn Harper's championship (and a chance to defeat Axel -- the most prolific competitor in underground wrestling -- who has beaten Eli in every previous encounter) trumps any loyalty that Eli feels toward his childhood friend.

     At the end of the day, Eli Black is, was, and always will be a boorish lout. This is clear from the very first words that escape Eli's lips at the start of video #400: "Oh hey, Miss Axel, how are you doing today?" Then, a few seconds later, Eli is doing his stretching exercises and Ethan is about to comment on Eli's longer hairstyle. However, Eli interrupts, "My a--? You're staring at my a--? Is that what you were about to comment on?"
     This type of talk was always offensive when it appeared on a UCW video; now that Ethan has come out as gay (a scant three months ago), Eli's hypermasculine attitude seems blatantly homophobic. Ethan, however, is too innately gentle (and perhaps a tad naive) to register appropriate outrage. As for Vincent, he just stares at the cameraman with a stunned reaction (probably thinking, "Hey, this is a gay wrestling video, right?").

     Concerning the actual match, this offering often seems like "custom match" material (i.e., it comes dangerously close to adult entertainment -- sort of like your typical Quinn Harper vid). There is quite a bit of vulgarity during verbal exchanges, and most of the action centers around low blows (and generalized punishment to that portion of the two combatants' anatomies). Eli's sadistic streak is in full swing, and the only reason why this video isn't as horrific as video #336 (the ultimate portrayal of pro wrestling victimization) stems from the fact that this time Eli is on the mat with a savvy, seasoned (albeit babyfaced) veteran -- not a heartbreakingly vulnerable prettyboy.

     At one point in the match, Ethan shouts out a threat to Eli in the midst of excruciating pain, prompting Eli to lamely accuse Ethan of being a bully (a criticism that had validity when Ethan consented to join forces with the odious Quinn Harper in match #381 -- a strange match in which Ethan and Eli seemed to switch face/heel roles). In this case, Eli is audaciously blaming the victim for his reaction to being victimized; it's similar to Eli scolding Shane Saunders for using profanity while getting beaten up during match #384 ("Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"). (Note: Shane, being the sweetheart that he is, actually tried to curb his swearing after Eli made that remark.)

     Vinny seems hesitant to become physically involved in this match, for good reason (Vincent vs. Axel is a no-win proposition). At first, Vincent identified himself as Eli's corner man, but Ethan seemed to invite Vincent's participation. Furthermore, Vincent can often be seen taking cues from someone off-camera right before he intervenes -- probably Bodyslam, who (according to his Facebook posts) enjoys seeing cute, young guys getting squashed in wrestling matches.

     Oh, and the UCW wardrobe department chalked up an epic fail as far as Vinny is concerned. You don't put jeans and socks on eye candy, ever.
     By the way, this video marks yet another milestone in technological advances for UCW. The federation just recently started marketing high definition vids, albeit slightly out-of-proportion (the wrestlers appeared elongated, not in a good way) and in bulky, difficult-to-download .wmv format. This video is available in HD, perfectly proportioned, easy-to-download, compact MPEG-4 format. (Now, for some reason, I could only play it on Windows Media Player; Real Player and QuickTime Player didn't work. Maybe my versions of those media players need to be updated with a codec or something. At any rate, play it on your Windows Media Player and you'll have a marvelous experience.)

     During a Facebook exchange, one of the purchasers of this video professed surprise over the match's ending. I inquired as to whether this "surprise" involved Vincent's involvement, and Bodyslam assured me that it did. Without posting any spoilers, I'll simply say that the action in match #400 unfolds in a manner that can be expected, if you are familiar with the personalities of the participants. This video marks a return to Eli Black's villainous ring persona -- he even punishes Vincent with a low blow when the kid makes a rookie mistake.

     It's Eli Black and Hunter Day all over again. For better or worse, the complex, nuanced Eli Black -- the guy who was wiping away tears after match #381 -- has left the building.
     Match #400 -- pitting two of UCW's most skilled performers against each other, and featuring a misguided rookie as the contest's "wildcard" -- is currently available at the UCW Wrestling website's "New Matches" page. Enjoy.

UCW Wrestling's Ethan Axel Andrews vs. Danny Sticks: The Gentle Man vs. The Lunatic

     Every astrological sign besides Cancer is ruled by a planet. Cancer is ruled by the ever-changing moon, creating dramatic mood swings for those born under this "unfortunate but fruitful sign" and introducing the term "lunatic" to the English language.
     Underground Championship Wrestling newcomer Danny Sticks is a Cancer, the first UCW wrestler in history born under that sign, to my knowledge (federation founder Michael Bodyslam told me there were four former members born in July, but they all seem to be Leos, born after July 22). If you want to shake things up, set everything off balance, and leave everyone disoriented, just bring a Cancer into any workplace environment.
     Apparently, that last statement also applies to the "no rules" world of UCW Wrestling. In this chaotic federation, Michael Bodyslam saw fit to enforce only one prohibition (besides the rhetorical hyperbole of "don't kill your opponent"): weapons were not allowed. In all of these years of gritty UCW brawling, through 373 matches in two separate states (Wisconsin and Pennsylvania), we never saw a weapon utilized. Leave it to Danny Sticks, the fed's first Cancerian, to use a weapon -- in his debut match -- against Ethan Axel Andrews, the co-owner of the company.

     Cancers are the pariahs of the zodiac, the perennial outcasts who are doomed to a fringe existence far removed from mainstream society. In Biblical terms, Cancers are the sons of Cain (see "Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary" here), destined to be vagabonds and drifters all their lives, regardless of intellect, social status, etc. (Lest anyone believe that I am being too hard on this astrological sign, please keep in mind that I myself am a triple Cancer -- so I'm qualified to speak on these matters.)
     Therefore, I suppose that I shouldn't have been surprised when rookie upstart Danny began beating underground wrestling legend Axel with a pool cue (during UCW match #374 -- the currently featured offering available here).

      Match #374 is a strange match on many levels, due to the personalities of the combatants (even stranger than the creepy encounter between Johnny Deep -- UCW's mischievous adolescent -- and Nick Diesel -- UCW's bondage master). Both of these wrestlers (Danny and Ethan) are water signs -- individuals with incredible emotional depth. You don't frequently see such males involved in combat sports (UCW is top-heavy with Taurus and Aries guys -- bulls and rams butting heads).

     Ethan Axel Andrews is an individual whose hair length is directly proportional to his sex appeal, and Ethan is smoking hot in this video (almost on a level with UCW offering #252 -- Ethan's sexiest look ever -- a "lost" match vs. Santos the Diabolic). Not only is Ethan's hair stylishly long in this vid, but he's also sporting a five o'clock shadow which is surprisingly attractive. Furthermore, Ethan is wearing matching wristbands, headband, and ankle-bands (and if there's anything that turns me on, it's accoutrements on the ankles of a sexy stud -- anklets drive me wild). I fully expected to be focused on Danny, the vulnerable young rookie, throughout this match -- but Ethan proved to be a major distraction.

     Ethan wrestles every opponent in the same way -- in a calm, cool, collected (sounds almost like an Eli Black tattoo), methodical manner. Because Ethan is a technician who wrestles within the rules, it's not always obvious that he hurts his opponents (via legal maneuvers) as badly as anyone in UCW. Ethan brings a personal trainer's mindset to the mat wars. Ethan doesn't view physical pain as a negative; he views it as a positive, character building tool. (In match #353 -- Jax Brigg's UCW debut -- Ethan hurt Jax badly enough to get the rookie to submit within the first few minutes. Ethan ignored the submission so that he could produce a video -- and Jax was Ethan's friend.)
     Ethan spends the first several minutes of match #374 torturing Danny, and you know that there will be immense repercussions in store. Danny doesn't have a personal trainer's mindset. Danny has a Cancerian's mindset. To us Cancers, everything is personal.

     Ethan once told me that if a wrestling opponent isn't fighting back, he'll hurt the wrestler even more. I was stunned. The concept was foreign to me, and it seemed out of character, coming from Ethan. To me, passivity represents intimidation. If an opponent wasn't retaliating against me, I'd be inclined to show mercy.
     Ethan doesn't share my perspective. As if to illustrate this, Ethan taunts Danny after he traps the young man in an excruciating backbreaker: "Your eyes starting to bother you? Your face? Your neck? Your spine? Tell me, what's hurting? Fight back a little harder than this." When Ethan receives no response, he begins to claw Danny's pectoral muscles.

     To be sure, Ethan often appears to be deriving visceral pleasure via his domination of the rookie. Ethan's facial expressions are sometimes troubling, and the arrogant sneer reminded me of Ethan's "heel" incarnations in other federations.

     When Danny gains the upper hand, the action turns personal. Ethan's 28-year-old physical beauty as well as his narcissism are in full bloom during this match (one could not exist without the other). Danny reacts by trying to rip Ethan's face apart, stretching the handsome grappler's lips to the splitting point...

       ....trying to rip chunks of Ethan's long, luxurious locks right out of his scalp...

     ...and attacking Ethan's manhood...

     After that, Danny travels deep into hardcore "heel" territory, utilizing tactics that will not be depicted or described here -- actions that are as loathsome as any we've seen employed by Quinn Harper, Eli Black, or their ilk. Nothing that Ethan did at the beginning of match #374 could justify or excuse Danny's reaction.

     The title of this blog entry does not contain a typo; I purposely referred to Ethan as a "Gentle Man" rather than a "Gentleman." The compound word denotes gentility, which may also describe Ethan, but it wasn't the meaning I wanted to convey. Ethan is a Pisces, the gentlest sign in the zodiac. Only extraordinary circumstances (such as merciless bullying during Ethan's youth) could have motivated such a man to prove himself in the rough-and-tumble world of UCW (plus MMA, BJJ, and several other acronyms that I know but don't fully understand).
     I met Ethan about a year ago, and the Cancer/Pisces dynamic was in full swing. When I picked up Ethan at his Boston hotel, he was clearly unnerved by my presence. I could perceive (we Cancers are extremely perceptive) that Ethan was on the verge of saying, "Hey, I don't feel comfortable with this. Stop the car and let me out." If I had tried to reassure Ethan at that point, I would have only made matters worse, so I had enough sense to just shut up. Silence prevailed for a few minutes and then Ethan initiated a conversation. I allowed Ethan to control the discourse, and everything turned out fine.
     Pisces is the most compatible sign for Cancer (along with the third water sign, Scorpio -- another rarity in UCW) and Ethan and I eventually got along swimmingly. Ethan had a calming effect on me (a rarity for someone as naturally stressed as yours truly) -- even when I was negotiating my way through heavy traffic on Boston area highways during rush hour. The day I spent with Ethan Axel Andrews is one of my fondest memories in recent history.
     Now, getting back to Danny...the Cancer personality is the least defined in the zodiac. The thin-skinned proclivities of Cancerians have manifested themselves in a broad range of public figures, from the sensitive and vulnerable Princess Diana (who bore life's slings and arrows with unfailing grace and dignity) to the violent and vengeful O.J. Simpson (who didn't).
     In keeping with my philosophy that a picture is worth a thousand words, allow me to share with you Danny Sticks' Facebook profile pic...

     Now, I'll admit that I totally freaked out when I saw this photograph. After my last UCW review was boycotted by everyone connected with the fed (only former UCW wrestlers Damien Flawless and Jax Briggs "liked" my Facebook notification -- the article was ignored by Bodyslam and not shared by the UCW-Wrestling Facebook page), I was ready, for the umpteenth time, to quit blogging about UCW. I mean, UCW lost My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) and Jax Briggs (the guy who kept me blogging after Johnny left) -- then everyone, even Michael Hannigan, was snubbing me -- so I was ready to throw in the towel. Then I saw this photo of Danny, learned that he'd be in the next UCW match, and here I am, banging away at my keyboard again.
     A competent photographer photographs only what he/she loves, and the resultant image causes us to love the subject, too. Just study Danny's face in the photo above. Notice the sensitivity apparent in Danny's facial expression and the hint of pain in Danny's eyes, which only enhances his beauty. Ignore the tats -- or, better yet, observe the tats in context and imagine them as bleeding wounds on the young man's psyche.

     I'm still trying to adjust to the attitude prevalent among UCW wrestlers that what happens on the mat is irrelevant to personal relations. In the case of match #374, I'm grateful that such an attitude exists. Even though Danny pulled an O.J. on Ethan, Ethan and Bodyslam continued to host Danny at their Woodlyn, Pennsylvania home (and even treated Danny to dinner on the eve of the video's release).

     Although Danny Stick's behavior in this match is thoroughly reprehensible, let's not give up on him yet. Like Hunter Day, Danny is just another young guy trying to make his way in the world. Befriend Danny on Facebook. Download match #374. Let UCW know that we want hot guys like Danny (and Jax and Johnny, who we miss dearly) to stay with the company long-term.

The Fine Art of Farce: UCW Wrestling Strips Jax Briggs of the Title

FARCE - a comic dramatic work using buffoonery and horseplay and typically including crude characterization and ludicrously improbable situations.
synonyms:    slapstick comedy, slapstick, burlesque, vaudeville, buffoonery
"the stories approach farce"
antonym:    tragedy
the genre of farce.
an absurd event.
synonyms:    mockery, travesty, absurdity, sham, pretense, masquerade, charade, joke, waste of time;
"the trial was a farce"

     How do you camouflage a really loathsome act that you've committed in real life? Well, if you're the owner of a pro wrestling federation, you turn the entire incident into a storyline.
     I have to admit, this Facebook post from UCW owner Michael Bodyslam warmed Old Freddie's cynical heart:

     At my advanced age, I should have learned one simple lesson: "cynicism" is just a synonym for "realism." Only days -- yes, days -- after Bodyslam posted that magnanimous message to his current All-Star Champion, this seventeen-minute Inside Scoop was posted at the UCW site. Bodyslam's "understanding" attitude toward Jax Brigg's circumstances was short lived, indeed.
     Despite the fact that Bodyslam claims in this video that I'm "always putting him down", the fact is that I like and respect Bodyslam. Bodyslam is your typical Leo, the astrological sign of bosses. Bodyslam is a man of action, a builder by nature, with the sensibilities of a benevolent dictator. It takes the Bodyslams of the world to create entities like UCW, and for that we all owe them a debt of gratitude. In our thankfulness for the gifts they give us, we must try our best to roll with the punches they throw at us. Those born under the sign of Leo are gregarious and generous by nature, but just the suggestion of dissent makes them go ballistic. (I learned that after I posted my "How To Destroy A Wrestling Persona" article.)
     Well, I love UCW, but I'll criticize it when decisions are made that force my favorite wrestlers out of the federation -- and that's becoming the rule over there rather than the exception.
     Jax is no longer UCW All-Star Champion, and he's "out of the company." Maybe Bodyslam will begin saying that Jax is "on hiatus" -- an adroit choice of words, since there's an implication that the wrestler's absence is temporary. However, Jax Briggs is probably on permanent hiatus from the fed -- just like My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD), whose last match (#354) featured Johnny being stripped naked after receiving a head injury courtesy of Eli Black (Bodyslam & Axel's neighbor). Of course, that type of thing isn't supposed to happen during UCW tapings...

     I knew #354 would be Johnny's last UCW appearance. I was right.
     I thought that match #361 -- the humiliation at the hands of Eli Black -- would be Jax's last UCW appearance. UCW coerced Jax into logging on to his Facebook account to offer all sorts of denials but I was right about that, too. Did Jax quit? Was he fired? What difference does it make? Jax is gone. Jax's credibility as UCW Champion was destroyed after #361 anyway.
     You know, I was watching an old match from the UCW archives the other night -- #160 -- James "The Never Give Up Kid" vs. Donavon. Now, Donavon is a hot little dude but, let's face it, he's the quintessential jobber. Still, James did everything in his power to help Donavon "get over" in that match. As a UCW All-Star Champion James was a class act. James knew the meaning of "generosity" as the term relates to pro wrestling (it's similar to "generosity" among actors -- i.e., you don't try to steal scenes). Watch #160 and then watch #361 right afterward. You'll see the difference between the old UCW (dominated by guys like James) and the current version (monopolized by Eli Black).
     For those who sat through the first portion of the skit concocted to explain the loss of Jax, you'll notice that the vile Eli Black himself made an appearance via videotape (urging that Jax be stripped of the title -- since his one-month championship reign is such a disgrace to UCW, of course).

     Nice haircut, Eli.
     Actually, all of the guys demonstrated surprisingly convincing acting skills during this kangaroo court scene. To my knowledge, only Axel has any thespian training, and he was the sole participant who seemed unable to stay in character. Barefoot, bare-chested, and incessantly grinning, Axel seemed unable to grasp the gravity of the proceedings. (No, Axel hadn't been smoking anything. Because of Axel's gentle manner of speaking and mellow vocal tone, he's often mistaken for a stoner, but he's not -- we've had that conversation before.)
     Axel and Michael Hannigan (speaking of classy ex-UCW Champions) were on hand to defend Jax, but they did so in a halfhearted way (the kid wasn't injured or in the hospital, for god's sake -- just working steadily at a locale far removed from the UCW house).
     All of the passion was on the side of the "heels" in this debate. Quinn Harper served as Devil's Advocate (typecasting for sure), Eli Black delivered a convincing videotaped deposition (allowing one slip -- he only gave Jax the belt because he dreamed of becoming the first two-time UCW Champion), and there was even a Black Dragon in attendance (notice that I didn't say "The Black Dragon" because he's not a UCW wrestler -- he's a UCW persona that has been portrayed by nearly every grappler in the fed, at one time or another).
     I am mentioned twice during the proceedings (once for "spreading rumors that go around about the company when something happens" and once for being a potential candidate for UCW referee) but, in both cases, I'm given second billing to my nemesis, Blogger Joe over at "Ringside at Skull Island." Ah, well. Life is unfair. Just ask Jax Briggs.
     Now, getting back to the shenanigans on the latest Inside Scoop -- let's suspend our disbelief for a second and take these proceedings seriously. Presumably, Jax is being stripped of the title and kicked out of the fed because he hasn't been defending the UCW All-Star Championship during the past few weeks...and we all know how many UCW matches were scheduled during that time period...

     ...but anyway...
1. Jax has been UCW All-Star Champion for the last month.
2. The 24/7 rule has been in effect for the past month.
3. That means that Jax has been defending the title 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
4. Jax has been stripped of the title for not defending it.
     Makes sense, right?
     Well, Michael Bodyslam has used UCW's loss of another highly popular wrestler to create a storyline in which he can parody one of his competitors. Bodyslam has stripped Jax of the title and seized the belt for himself, "just like many other owners. They make their boyfriend or they make themselves the champion of the company...I will make all stipulations the day of the match. My stipulations rule, and no other opinions will be taken into consideration."
     There's more such foolishness, but you get the gist.
     That's the current state of UCW wrestling, folks. The founder has taken a "heel" turn in order to needle one of his rivals and most of our favorite wrestlers (including the star of the site's currently featured video) are "on hiatus."
     This story began a few months ago when a young Aries guy (the "wide-eyed innocents" of the zodiac) showed up at the UCW house, offering a deal on promotional t-shirts from a local print shop. The kid was encouraged to train for the fed, and he soon discovered that "wrestling Axel is about as much fun as a guy can have."
     According to Bodyslam, "If Jax is ever interested in working for UCW again, all he has to do is come to tryouts, and we'll see what he's got and what he's capable of. But maybe he'll have to get a note from his mommy that he's allowed to do this."
     That's how the story ends.
     Thank you, Jax Briggs, for giving us four of the most highly entertaining matches in the history of UCW. Thank you for inspiring me to keep blogging after Johnny was forced out. I will miss you so much.

    “Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."
                                                                          -- Matthew 7:6
                                                                              New American Standard Bible (NASB)
     

    
    

UCW Wrestling's Jax Briggs vs. Hiro: Evil Becomes You

     Yes, that's UCW All-Star Champion Jax Briggs talking directly to the fans during match #365. Jax is saying (in reference to Asian star Hiro): "Hey guys, this is Jax. You like to see more of me beating up guys like this? You want to see more, you know where to go. You know who to look for -- Jax." Clearly, this is a dangerous individual -- the type of guy who will shank you if you cross him. This is also the guy I compared to Tinker Bell two blog entries ago. I suppose I should fear for my life now.
     If I am about to meet my somewhat untimely doom, it's all Michael Bodyslam's fault. For some reason, the UCW Wrestling founder chose to release this tape out of sequence. If you listen to Bodyslam's recap of Jax's previous matches right after Jax won was awarded gained the UCW title, you'll learn that match #365 actually was Jax's third match in the federation (right between the loss vs. Quinn Harper -- #356 -- and the tag team victory -- #358).
     This match is the missing piece in the puzzle of Jax's phenomenal and unprecedented rise to the very top of the UCW hierarchy. If you study match #365 (or even just study the three photos I posted here), it becomes obvious that the real Jax is a pretty scary dude. How do we feel about that, UCW fans?

     Yeah, I have to agree. In other words, Jax Briggs, I still love you so don't kill me, okay? Kindly direct your vitriol at the always deserving Blogger Joe, who actually called both you and Hiro girls in his "Ringside at Skull Island" review of this match.
     This is the first match Jax has had against someone he clearly doesn't like. (Jax and Axel are straight-up friends and Jax's relationships with ultra-heels Quinn Harper -- who he seems to consider a mentor -- and Eli Black -- who gave Jax the championship belt in a fit of megalomania -- are too complex to fathom). The animosity between Jax and Hiro is evident as soon as Hiro enters the weight room while Jax is pumping iron. The two wrestlers don't acknowledge each other, and Hiro seems to regard Jax in a smug manner (to say the least).

     The Japanese grappler's coy disrespect antagonizes Jax. When Hiro adds weights to a barbell that Jax just used (with the cameras rolling), our current UCW champ loses his cool. Using the universal language of a sucker punch, Jax begins this fight (#365 was not a scheduled match; both Jax and Hiro were then considered to be UCW "faces").
     I myself have always doubted Hiro's "face" status in UCW anyway. I learned from my good friend, local UCW wrestler Pedro Espada, about the existence of a secret clique within the federation which includes both Hiro and one of the dirtiest, meanest wrestlers in the business. (I won't divulge the name of this secret alliance, but I'll just say that their initials are "M.N." -- in case they ever go public.)
     Furthermore, it should be noted that Hiro is the first combatant in this match to use a weapon -- a broomstick, which he utilizes with insidious glee to attack Jax's manhood.

     As a matter of fact, Jax's manhood seems to be a major preoccupation for Hiro. Two minutes later, Hiro has Jax backed up against a wall and he's at it again.

     (Yes, Hiro is doing exactly what you think he's doing.)
     By the way, the transition from UCW weight room to UCW mat room is really cool...

     The closed fists seem to be thrown with more impact in this match than in any prior UCW production. A choke hold administered by Hiro turns Jax's face bright red. The always excruciating Boston Crabs are maintained for extraordinarily long periods. The overall meanness displayed by these two fighters stands in sharp contrast to Jax's friendly competition vs. Ethan Axel Andrews in the champ's UCW debut.
     In a moment of unintentional irony, Jax traps Hiro in a chin lock and says, "Smile for the camera, prettyboy." As Jax administers the painful maneuver, he looks about as pretty as any wrestler in the sport's history (not intended as an insult, Jax).

     Hiro goes the first ten minutes of this match without speaking a word of decipherable English. One of the first instances of Hiro's proficiency in the language occurs, fittingly, after Hiro reverses a Figure Four leg lock. "How do you like my heel in your balls?" Hiro calmly and politely asks, exhibiting all the detachment of a professional torturer.

     Maybe it's got something to do with some Eastern philosophy, meditating to achieve serenity, trying to reach nirvana or whatever (I can picture Blogger Joe jumping up and down right now, spitting and fuming about "xenophobia"), but Hiro remains eerily (and sinisterly) unemotional throughout this bout. "Do you sub-meet," Hiro quietly inquires as Jax thrashes about in a punishing leg lock. Then Hiro yanks Jax's leg up to an even higher elevation, holding the limb at a level you'll rarely see in any pro wrestling match. "How...about...now? I can't hear you." Hiro sadistically interrogates as Jax yells incoherently.

     UCW wrestlers usually carry on their business without acknowledging the camera's presence. When a wrestler looks directly into the lens, it's often because they have reached their threshold of pain and they're about to call for a break in the filming (as Johnny Deep seemed to be doing when he was trapped in an Ethan Axel Andrews backbreaker during match #316). However, during this match, Hiro frequently plays to the camera, demonstrably gloating when Jax is experiencing maximum pain.

     That bear hug goes on interminably, Jax's abdominal region is increasingly reddened, and Hiro decides to demonstrate his nonchalance about Jax's suffering by whistling a happy tune.

     The creepiness continues as Hiro follows up on the bear hug, placing his foot on the small of Jax's back while pulling Jax's arms, shrieking, "Wheee!" three times in a high pitched voice.

     This is not to imply that this match is a squash by any means. As a matter of fact, this encounter is a see-saw battle to the very end, and the pin is particularly humiliating. (I'd run a photo, but you know what Michael Bodyslam said about spoilers.) This match -- #365 -- is a fascinating study of two UCW "fan favorites" who simply don't like each other. As a result, each of these wrestlers reveals heretofore unseen aspects of his personality that are not in keeping with his UCW persona -- and the dose of harsh reality is refreshing. Currently this is the featured match at the UCW website. Needless to say, it's highly recommended, despite the fact that Blogger Joe saw fit to devote only 210 words to it (yeah, I counted).

Ringside at Skull Island: Good Boys Go Bad: Jax and Hiro are the busiest and most popular new hires at UCW . It was just a matter of time before fan adulation wou...
    
Till next time...see you at the matches.

UCW Wrestling's Ethan Axel Andrews vs. Eli Black: The Burial of an Ass

18 Therefore thus saith the Lord concerning Jehoiakim the son of Josiah king of Judah; They shall not lament for him, saying, Ah my brother! or, Ah sister! they shall not lament for him, saying, Ah lord! or, Ah his glory!
19 He shall be buried with the burial of an ass, drawn and cast forth beyond the gates of Jerusalem.
20 Go up to Lebanon, and cry; and lift up thy voice in Bashan, and cry from the passages: for all thy lovers are destroyed.
                                                                    Jeremiah 22:18-20 King James Version (KJV)
     That Biblical quote concerning the demise of a tyrannical prince seems appropriate in reference to former UCW champion Eli Black. In the above photograph, we see Eli in a spladle, being spanked (both figuratively and literally) by Ethan Axel Andrews in UCW match #338. Notice how red splotches are immediately forming on the cheeks of Eli's "lily-white ass" -- a phrase used by "Ringside at Skull Island" in the second paragraph of this review (a tirade by Blogger Joe in which he professes an ability to "scrub the mat" with Eli's posterior -- which is sort of like the old coot thinking that he could beat Mike Tyson).
     In Eli's most recent UCW appearance (video #358 -- the title match vs. Jax Briggs), Eli claimed to be in a class by himself, and there was no real competition available in the federation. To anyone who took this load of cow manure seriously, I recommend viewing match #338 -- Eli's humiliating attempt to defeat Ethan Axel Andrews (who current champ Jax Briggs, the "needy" recipient of Eli's noblesse oblige in that championship bout, has already defeated -- in his very first UCW match).
     Memo to Jax Briggs: Eli Black is not invincible. Champ, I love you, but here's some constructive criticism. Eli had you totally psyched out during that championship bout, and you don't seem to have snapped out of it yet. For those who don't understand what I'm talking about, peruse this recent Facebook exchange between Jax and me:

     That championship match could have been (and probably was) scripted by Eli Black himself, in order to stroke his own massive ego. Jax Briggs (who was actually labelled as "way too nice" by Eli during the match) allowed himself to become UCW Champion via a title change that destroyed his own credibility as a wrestler. As a champion, Jax is now UCW's Tinkerbell -- oops, I mean Tinker Bell. If we UCW fans don't believe in Jax as our champion, he'll just fade away.

     Well, I'm clapping as loud as I can, but I can't do it alone. Fortunately, Ethan Axel Andrews is a certified personal trainer and he's taken Jax under his wing, so to speak. It all makes sense, actually. Of all astrological signs, Pisces is the most gentle and the least likely to become involved in combat sports. Ethan is a Pisces -- and his adherence to a strict physical training regimen came about as a reaction to being bullied during his teen years. Naturally, Ethan would feel an affinity toward Jax and do everything in his power to prevent the kid from being victimized by hardcore S.O.B.'s like Eli. As a matter of fact, here's the current UCW "Inside Scoop" video blog:

     Yes, Ethan it's nice that you're a certified personal trainer (as Michael Bodyslam reminded me on Facebook this morning)...but My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) could have a license in occupational massage therapy by now if you hadn't pulled rank on him concerning usage of the UCW mat room. Just saying.
     Ah well, I haven't the time for such bitterness. Besides, I have to get on with my review of match #338 -- and I hope Jax Briggs is paying close attention. To be the man, you have to beat the man and you already beat the man who beat Eli -- so chin up, Champ. (By the way, Jax, I'm already feeling pangs of guilt about what I wrote three paragraphs ago. If this causes you to be called "Tinker Bell" by jerks like Quinn Harper for the duration of your tenure in UCW, I'll never forgive myself.)
     Match #338 begins with typical UCW banter, but Ethan shuts up Eli permanently with, "But you still haven't won the belt" -- a retort which no longer can be used, and I can't help feeling that we've lost something precious. As for Eli's appearance -- which really doesn't merit much discussion -- he was in a transitional phase when this match was taped. Certainly, Eli doesn't possess the deceptively attractive look of his BG East days but he hasn't yet grown that moss-like substance on his face, either.
     Eli avoided this match with Ethan for quite some time because he knew it would ruffle his feathers. Not only is Ethan as well-trained as Eli in various forms of combat, but also -- and more importantly -- Ethan has more political clout in UCW than Eli. Eli may be able to entice UCW Founder Michael Bodyslam into some clandestine ab stroking, but Ethan is Bodyslam's housemate and he's got 50% ownership of the fed. Not surprisingly, Eli is able to mount no offense whatsoever during the first five minutes of this fight.

     As Ethan works over Eli's allegedly injured arm (assuming that the bandages aren't just a prop allowing Eli's mat persona to save some face during this debacle), Eli almost seems to be crying.

     Watching UCW matches while utilizing stop-action and slow-motion, I've noticed that the wrestlers make some sort of physical contact with their opponents (most often a hand touching a shoulder) when they're receiving more pain than they can handle. If their opponents don't relent, they look directly into the cameraman's lens with desperate, deadly serious facial expressions to signify that they're really in trouble. During this phase of the match, Ethan seems fairly relentless.

     As a matter of fact, as Ethan continues to dominate Eli, Eli musters the audacity to remark, "That's right -- be a bully." (To anyone who has witnessed Eli's merciless beatdowns of Johnny -- including abuse after Johnny was already knocked unconscious -- the irony is laughable.)
     "You're the exception to the bully rule," Ethan patiently explains to Eli. "You're the biggest bully of all."
     Indeed, it would be unfair to accuse Ethan of sinking to Eli's level during this match. Keeping in mind all of his past experiences, Ethan seems focused on justice, not vengeance. Ethan gives the impression that he'd be in favor of the death penalty, but not cruel and unusual punishment. Eli, on the other hand...
     Ethan and Eli provide a study in contrasts and it was inevitable that they'd clash. Ethan is the soft-spoken product of America's heartland, a transplanted Wisconsinite squeezed into skin-tight corduroys, dreaming of NYC hipster status.

     Okay, okay.
     Eli, on the other hand, is the streetwise loudmouth, the Philadelphia hooligan who yells, "Pussy!" every thirty seconds, like a rube in a whorehouse. Even the physical appearances of these two grapplers are opposite. Observing Ethan and Eli tie up on the mat provides a plethora of memorable images. We have clean-cut Ethan's long, lithe limbs wrapped around Eli's compact, rugged, tatted-up frame...

     (By the way, that's Eli preparing Ethan for his finishing maneuver, The Shutdown -- an uninspired, lackluster name if ever we heard one. Eli, you should utilize a signature move that makes people remember your name -- like The ELIminator or The Blackout. You're welcome.)
     Now, for some reason, this match reminded Old Freddie of two other athletes from a bygone era. We have the tall, statuesque brunet with the wholesome image from a respectable background and the smaller, feisty blond with the ruthless attitude from a hardscrabble background. I just wish I could remember who those two athletes were.
     At the end of this match, Eli challenges Ethan to a gut-punching contest to determine the winner. When Ethan agrees, Eli can barely conceal his gloating, thinking that he's conned the idealistic jock into playing by his rules. However, Ethan proves to be a game competitor...

     In my last blog entry, I decried the fact that pro wrestling has abandoned its role as a morality play for American society. Without going into any more detail, let me just say that this match stays true to that old-school concept. You can read Ringside at Skull Island's take on this presentation here:

Ringside at Skull Island: Nemeses: UCW-Wrestling 's latest release [#338] gives us the highly anticipated one-on-one, mano-a-mano showdown between E...     

     As I mentioned, this is UCW video #338, and it's available for download here: UCW Wrestling. Ethan Axel Andrews stars as a sexy, avenging angel who sends Eli Black (in the role of Ole Slew Foot) tumbling down into the fiery pits of hell where he belongs. Enjoy.