Blogs about underground wrestling federations and the wrestlers who compete in them, with a particular focus on Underground Championship Wrestling (aka UCW Wrestling). Featured wrestlers: Skip Vance, Jax Briggs, Ethan Axel Andrews, Eli Black, Johnny Deep, Vincent Stone, Shane Saunders, Michael Hannigan, Nick Diesel, Pedro Espada, Danny Sticks, Pvt. Jack Marino, Diego Valentino, Isaiah "Ice" Berg, Quinn Harper, Hiro, Hunter Day, Oliver Wood, Victor, and L.S. Powerhouse.
I had begun to forget why I despise Eli Black. In the recent videos leading up to this one (UCW Video #400 -- available for download here), we've been treated to an out-of-character, kinder, gentler Eli. Yes, Eli's interaction with his protegee, Vincent Stone, has been touching -- and it served to humanize Eli's brutal, ruthless wrestling persona. In those videos, Eli seemed willing to sacrifice a large part of his intimidating mat presence in order to keep Vincent out of harm's way.
Match #400 features Eli Black the way he was, before Vincent arrived on the scene. This is the Eli Black who bullied My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep to the point where he quit the federation (although MBPJD seems destined to be enshrined on the UCW Locker Room page's "Active Roster" for all eternity, harsh reality notwithstanding). This is the Eli Black who was too much of an egomaniac to ever allow Jax Briggs to "get over" in a match (even when Jax won the UCW All-Star Championship). I could go on, but it suffices to say that my two favorite UCW wrestlers aren't around anymore, in large part due to Eli -- and I don't know how long a classy prep like Shane Saunders would stay with the fed if he had to deal with Eli on a regular basis.
At one point during this match, Ethan tells Vincent, "I like you, Vinny. I really do. Don't get me wrong. But you've got to stop hanging around with Eli. You see, you're just going to get hurt." Indeed, Eli deliberately places Vincent in harm's way, time and time again, during match #400. Obviously, a shot at Quinn Harper's championship (and a chance to defeat Axel -- the most prolific competitor in underground wrestling -- who has beaten Eli in every previous encounter) trumps any loyalty that Eli feels toward his childhood friend.
At the end of the day, Eli Black is, was, and always will be a boorish lout. This is clear from the very first words that escape Eli's lips at the start of video #400: "Oh hey, Miss Axel, how are you doing today?" Then, a few seconds later, Eli is doing his stretching exercises and Ethan is about to comment on Eli's longer hairstyle. However, Eli interrupts, "My a--? You're staring at my a--? Is that what you were about to comment on?"
This type of talk was always offensive when it appeared on a UCW video; now that Ethan has come out as gay (a scant three months ago), Eli's hypermasculine attitude seems blatantly homophobic. Ethan, however, is too innately gentle (and perhaps a tad naive) to register appropriate outrage. As for Vincent, he just stares at the cameraman with a stunned reaction (probably thinking, "Hey, this is a gay wrestling video, right?").
Concerning the actual match, this offering often seems like "custom match" material (i.e., it comes dangerously close to adult entertainment -- sort of like your typical Quinn Harper vid). There is quite a bit of vulgarity during verbal exchanges, and most of the action centers around low blows (and generalized punishment to that portion of the two combatants' anatomies). Eli's sadistic streak is in full swing, and the only reason why this video isn't as horrific as video #336 (the ultimate portrayal of pro wrestling victimization) stems from the fact that this time Eli is on the mat with a savvy, seasoned (albeit babyfaced) veteran -- not a heartbreakingly vulnerable prettyboy.
At one point in the match, Ethan shouts out a threat to Eli in the midst of excruciating pain, prompting Eli to lamely accuse Ethan of being a bully (a criticism that had validity when Ethan consented to join forces with the odious Quinn Harper in match #381 -- a strange match in which Ethan and Eli seemed to switch face/heel roles). In this case, Eli is audaciously blaming the victim for his reaction to being victimized; it's similar to Eli scolding Shane Saunders for using profanity while getting beaten up during match #384 ("Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"). (Note: Shane, being the sweetheart that he is, actually tried to curb his swearing after Eli made that remark.)
Vinny seems hesitant to become physically involved in this match, for good reason (Vincent vs. Axel is a no-win proposition). At first, Vincent identified himself as Eli's corner man, but Ethan seemed to invite Vincent's participation. Furthermore, Vincent can often be seen taking cues from someone off-camera right before he intervenes -- probably Bodyslam, who (according to his Facebook posts) enjoys seeing cute, young guys getting squashed in wrestling matches.
Oh, and the UCW wardrobe department chalked up an epic fail as far as Vinny is concerned. You don't put jeans and socks on eye candy, ever.
By the way, this video marks yet another milestone in technological advances for UCW. The federation just recently started marketing high definition vids, albeit slightly out-of-proportion (the wrestlers appeared elongated, not in a good way) and in bulky, difficult-to-download .wmv format. This video is available in HD, perfectly proportioned, easy-to-download, compact MPEG-4 format. (Now, for some reason, I could only play it on Windows Media Player; Real Player and QuickTime Player didn't work. Maybe my versions of those media players need to be updated with a codec or something. At any rate, play it on your Windows Media Player and you'll have a marvelous experience.)
During a Facebook exchange, one of the purchasers of this video professed surprise over the match's ending. I inquired as to whether this "surprise" involved Vincent's involvement, and Bodyslam assured me that it did. Without posting any spoilers, I'll simply say that the action in match #400 unfolds in a manner that can be expected, if you are familiar with the personalities of the participants. This video marks a return to Eli Black's villainous ring persona -- he even punishes Vincent with a low blow when the kid makes a rookie mistake.
It's Eli Black and Hunter Day all over again. For better or worse, the complex, nuanced Eli Black -- the guy who was wiping away tears after match #381 -- has left the building.
Match #400 -- pitting two of UCW's most skilled performers against each other, and featuring a misguided rookie as the contest's "wildcard" -- is currently available at the UCW Wrestling website's "New Matches" page. Enjoy.
Well, I'm hanging out at this hustler bar in Philadelphia called Underground CW (aka UCW) and if you don't know what hustler bars are, have I got a book for you. They're basically places where beautiful young guys with complicated personalities (and lives) congregate, willing to provide paid entertainment for middle-aged gay gentlemen (as long as they're not required to compromise their masculinity).
New Orleans is full of such places, but I've been stuck up in Connecticut trying to maintain this beauty of a house I inherited and feeling like a fish out of water. Most of the rest of the country now hustles via the internet and I think it's a shame. Thankfully, I found UCW and the six hour trek to Philly is well worth the time and effort.
The place is owned by two guys, Michael Bodyslam (a gentleman around my age) and a hot young stud named Ethan Axel Andrews. Such father-son surrogate combos often become lasting relationships -- it's not as rare as you may think.
Yeah, yeah. You're family, Ethan -- whether you know it or not. Anyway, I never forgave you for not liking that fan fiction I wrote about you. Don't talk to me right now.
Getting back to what I was saying, there's this one dude hanging out here who gets me on edge every time I glance at him. His name is Eli Black, and he's sort of become the bar's de facto enforcer. I know the type. You get a guy who's popular with a lot of the customers and, if he's shrewd enough, pretty soon he takes the place over. Eli practically lives in this establishment now, and he's the henchman for the owners. Eli is like UCW's bouncer. Anyone causes trouble, Eli steps up.
Eli is in a special position at UCW and he uses it to his advantage. Truthfully, Eli can pretty much do whatever he pleases at UCW now. If some brash, young guy comes in off the streets and starts distracting the customers' attention away from Eli, Eli will deal with it. There won't be any repercussions from management, either.
Oh, I didn't need to be reminded of that. My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) -- it just breaks my heart, what Eli did to him. I need another cocktail, bartender. Alcohol gets my creative juices flowing and enables me to compose amusing blog entries for you. Otherwise, I'd get too bitter, just thinking of how Johnny was run out of this bar by that...monster.
Ah, that's good stuff. Fulton's Harvest Pumpkin Pie creme liqueur. Anything pumpkin -- right, Ethan?
Well, that's a relief. I guess even an old broken clock like me is correct once every twelve hours. By the way, whenever you smile I can't help but notice that tooth you chipped getting bashed into the cinder block wall just like...oh, I have to put these negative thoughts out of my mind. Ah, let me just concentrate on my drinking, shut this bar out of my mind, ignore Eli, and reminisce...
You know, the first celebrity crush Old Freddie can recall having was on a Boston Red Sox player named Tony Conigliaro. I was just a little kid then -- not even ten years old. Tony was pretty much of a kid, too -- started playing major league baseball at 19. Then he got hit by a pitch, injured bad, and it killed his career. Seems like I had a thing for handsome guys in rough situations even then. Damned near 50 years ago, and nothing ever changes. Hmm...now who does Tony Conigliaro remind me of? I'm trying to think...
Anyhow, after Tony couldn't play ball anymore, he tried a singing career. I remember Tony performing "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" on the Merv Griffin show. I can't recall if Tony could really sing, but I fell in love with him right then and there.
You've got a point, Aron. Sorry about that, my Jersey boy. Hey, it ain't nothing. Now excuse me while I kick some Spartan ass over here.
Good. I don't like that guy. I mean, I talked shit about him and then I felt bad and apologized, but I still don't like him. Oh, hey -- speaking of talking shit, that Blogger Joe guy was just in here and he called you a dick. Huh? You talking to me?
Yeah, Aron. I was just quoting Blogger Joe. That's what he said about you. Everyone heard him. Oh, man. Forget about it. That blogger guy walks in here, he's dead meat.
Hey, I don't blame...
Whoa! I can't believe it! Guess who just decided to stick his head into the door? His eyes aren't accustomed to the dim light, though. I don't think he sees me.
HEY, JOHNNY!!!
Johnny's looking over at Eli warily...but now he's coming inside and walking toward me. YES!!! A lot of the customers perked up as soon as Johnny walked through the door, and I can tell that's making Eli even more pissed off.
Oh, same old same old. I'm feeling much better since you walked in, though, Johnny. Hey, man -- I'm not supposed to be in here when Eli is working. I just came in to say hello. The only reason Eli hasn't kicked me out yet is because I'm talking to you.
Screw Eli. You're with me. Johnny, it's so nice to be able to talk to you. You ignored me for the longest. Well, Freddie, you creeped me out at first -- the way you always stared at me. I thought you were some kind of crazy stalker. I mean, I like attention but you were giving me too much. You seemed obsessed.
No, stalkers threaten people when they're rebuffed. I could never hurt you, Johnny. You're like the son I never had. Aw, you're a sweet guy. Now that I know you, I realize that. Hey, who's that bull in the corner though? I never saw him here before.
Oh, he's a new face -- and he's a pretty big deal around here now. His name is Jax. He's a nice guy -- maybe too nice for his own good. Man, that belt he's wearing with all the gold and shit -- that looks familiar. Isn't that the belt Eli used to wear?
Yeah, it is. Eli gave it to him. Huh??? Are you serious? Man, when did being nice start paying off around here?
I don't know if it will pay off, in the long run. The place is still a jungle. I worry about you being in this environment, Johnny -- and I don't like the way Quinn Harper is looking at you right now. Quinn Harper is here? Oh, shit. I didn't see him. Where is he?
Over there by the pool table. He hasn't taken his eyes off you since you came in. That does it. Now I know I've got to get out of here. Harper is worse than Eli. I told you about what he does to guys during fights.
Yeah, I've seen it first-hand. You have?
Yeah. He did it to Jax when I was watching. The "oil check" thing. That guy needs to be locked up. Well then, I don't have to explain it to you anymore. You know what I'm talking about. Listen, Freddie, it was great seeing you again. I've got to go now.
Hey Johnny, give me a hug first.
Damn. Even after that hug, it hurts seeing Johnny leave -- maybe for good. I just keep watching the door, hoping that Johnny will decide to come back.
Oh, hey -- I just saw Damien Flawless walk past. Damien won't be coming in here, though -- that's for sure. Guys like Damien -- the out and proud, openly gay, flamboyant types -- they just don't fit in here at UCW. The only way someone like Damien could ever be accepted here would be if he was in drag -- and that's not Damien's style.
I wouldn't feel too bad for the Flawless One, though. Old Damien got out of the life and hooked up with some fast food mogul. I heard they're getting married in a few months. Here's to you, Damien.
I've got Michael Hannigan sitting a few barstools away from me. Michael's pants are sagging really low and I keep sneaking glances at that cute ass of his. I don't want to make it too obvious because Michael seems self-conscious about not having a belt to wear. Michael is a real sweetheart.
Oh, wouldn't you know it? Here comes Blogger Joe again with two of his nelly-ass, pretentious friends (they're chit-chatting about "Southern Living" magazine).
Hi yourself, Joe. I'm just wondering how long it's going to take before you say something about UCW that aggravates me. What do you mean, Freddie? I love this place. It's fast, cheap, and out of control!
Well, I think you just broke your own record. What gives you the right to have such a condescending attitude toward UCW? Condescending? Moi? You've got me confused with someone else. I stand in solidarity with the proletariat.
You're so full of shit. I am never, ever going to forgive you for calling my boy Johnny a "scumbag." Oh, and by the way, Aron heard about how you called him a "dick" last time you were in here, and he's ready to beat the crap out of you. It's a good thing Aron hasn't noticed you yet. HEY, ARON!!! Well, I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable about all this. If I wanted to shuffle off this mortal coil, it would be in the arms of that Marcus Ares fellow, not Aron's.
Just shut the fuck up -- and get the fuck out. You need to go back to that BG Dance Club you love so much. You don't belong here. Security! I think we need security over here!
Oh, no. Don't think Eli is going to save your sorry ass, either. Eli hasn't forgotten how you called him a "punk" and said that you could beat him in a fight. Look at Eli. Eli sees what's happening over here. Eli's laughing at you, Joe. Oh, dear me. This is something of a sticky wicket. I believe that it's time for us to make our exit, gentlemen. Discretion is the better part of valor.
Yeah, yeah. Get the fuck. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Motherfuckers.
Uh-oh. Bodyslam is coming this way, looking plenty unhappy -- and he's got Eli with him.
Yeah, sure, Bodyslam. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Well, things were sounding pretty rambunctious over here. How many cocktails have you had, Freddie?
I don't know. I lost count a long time ago. Besides, that's got nothing to do with anything. You know I hate that Skull Island guy, Bodyslam. Now, Freddie...Joe carries a lot of clout here at UCW. Joe spends a lot of capital over here. You just need to calm down. You always go too far. You're hurting my bottom line.
Hurt UCW? Me? I'd never hurt UCW. I love UCW. Shit, this is my niche. I come as close to fitting in here as I ever could anywhere. I mean, if it wasn't for UCW, where else would I go? Yeah, that's true. We're the only ones who would put up with you.
Um...I'm trying to formulate a comeback but I'm unable to. I guess I can't argue with that. I can only say that, when the smoke clears, at the end of the day, you'll see I helped your business more than I hurt it. What am I going to do with this guy?
(Bodyslam muttered that under his breath, half to Eli and half to himself.)
Look, Bodyslam -- it's only because I hate drinking alone. That's why I get loud and mean. Where are all the hardcore partyers, man. I need a drinking buddy. Where's Hunter? Hey Freddie, I don't have to sugarcoat it with you. I don't have to pretend that everything is nice. You can handle it. Hunter was living life in the fast lane. Now he has to pull back and get some rest. It's the same story with so many of the other guys you've seen here in the past. You know the score.
Well, Hunter will be welcome back here, when he's ready.
Oh, man...I need to play the jukebox
Love that song. Hey, there's a customer staring at me.
What are you looking at? You. I find you entertaining.
Yeah? What's so entertaining about me? People think I'm a comedian or something, when I'm just being myself.
Now the guy's laughing. I'm starting to get angry. Oh, I don't mean to be rude. I wasn't laughing at you. Not really. It's just that you get so emotionally involved in everything. I even saw you here when they were doing the Thursday night oil wrestling. You seemed to believe it was real.
It is. Oh? You don't believe it's scripted?
Look, the stuff that doesn't matter is scripted. The stuff that matters is real. You see the true personalities of the wrestlers expressed during the matches. You see who are really friends. You see which guys are jealous of each other. You can tell who's got their shit together and who's living on the edge. Amazing. You can divine all of that information. You must be highly perceptive. Yeah, I can divine plenty. You think those guys aren't really hurting each other? You think there's no real pain? Haven't you ever heard someone say "cut" from backstage during a match, and then the lights go dark for a few seconds before the action resumes? What goes on in the dark? It's a guy trying to regain his composure after he was pushed beyond his limits -- and it doesn't happen by chance.
Well, I guess I was talking a bit too loud. Here come Bodyslam and Eli again, and this time they're striding toward me in a purposeful, resolute manner. I better hurry up and make my point.
These UCW guys are totally objectified anyway. The best looking guys are the ones that the customers want to see suffer most -- and they call themselves their "fans." I'm not even going to start talking about the private matches in motel rooms. You think you're leaving the real world when you come here to UCW? No. You're entering the real world.
Alright, I know better than to argue with you guys. I'll leave -- go home, drink some more, and listen to my music there...
"You hurt the ones that I love best And cover up the truth with lies. One day, you'll be in the ditch Flies buzzing around your eyes Blood on your saddle."
Leave the false hope to eternal optimists like Jax Briggs. At the end of the day, it's an Eli Black world. The "heels" rule and the "faces" serve as fall guys.
UCW match #358 accomplished the seemingly impossible -- it prompted me to doubt my own cynicism. Yes, I actually ended the review of that match with these words: "Your faith in human nature will be restored, you'll regain your
optimistic point-of-view, and hope will be kept alive in your heart." I said that. What's even worse, I meant it. Such is the transformational nature of effective drama.
Match #358 seemed to signal the beginning of a new era in UCW. Both Blogger Joe from "Ringside at Skull Island" and I thought that the heroic, young Jax Briggs had won the UCW All-Star Championship belt from Eli. The scenario seemed too good to be true, mainly because UCW founder Michael "Bodyslam" had developed a crush on Eli which manifested itself in decadent ab stroking and (according to Eli himself at the end of match #354) the nightly secreting of the champ's used undergarments under the UCW head honcho's bedroom pillows. Was this remark uttered during a sports-entertainment presentation a case of art imitating life?
At any rate, Bodyslam managed to find a technicality that invalidated Jax's victory.
I want to make it clear; I thoroughly, utterly loathe Eli Black. Yes, I recognize his type, and I know what he represents. Eli is a "man's man." Eli is the anti-Narcissus. Once Eli was a relatively attractive young man, but he soon defiled his desirable body with ugly markings (most of which are vapid platitudes illustrating Eli's self-centered nature). Eli's type doesn't want to gain advantages via physical beauty and charm. Eli's type wants to succeed through brute force and ruthlessness. Eli's type would rather be feared than loved so he traded an appealing image for an intimidating presence. At the core of Eli Black's essence is a thoroughly primitive nature.
To illustrate this fact, here's a photo of Eli holding his own foot and using his calf muscles to strangle Jax Briggs. Note the inscription on Eli's forearm, "I am only alive once and I am gonna die when God wants" (a quote from inspirational vocalist Machine Gun Kelly -- no wait, Machine Gun Kelly -- sorry about that -- different generation -- Old Freddie gets confused sometime).
Of course, Eli is the guy who left My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) injured and humiliated, lying face down on the mat, stripped naked and bleeding from a head injury in match #354 which, according to Ethan Axel Andrews, just may be the last time we ever see Johnny in UCW (and that wasn't even the most traumatizing match between those two). In UCW, these financially struggling young grapplers need to experience both pain and shame in order to create a marketable video.
Keeping this harsh reality in mind, I watched UCW match #361 Wednesday night. For a long time, I couldn't find words. For a long time, I wondered if I should bother trying.
I don't think anything like this has ever happened before in pro wrestling. I don't think any federation's champion has ever undertaken such a strategy, although people in other walks of life have. Former President Richard Nixon, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, and former Pope Benedict XVI immediately come to mind.
Wrestlers have been asked to "job" in championship matches before, but the level of degradation required of Jax in match #361 was unprecedented. What did Jax do to deserve this thankless role? Was Jax hired to be a victim from the beginning? Was all the hype concerning Jax just an elaborate build-up in preparation for a soul destroying let-down?
Was this storyline the work of Eli, acting out of egotism and jealousy? Was Eli worried that Jax, like Johnny, might build a larger fan base than his own? Did Eli propose this match, then get his way because of his favored status in UCW? Will Jax's final match in UCW (assuming that this one wasn't it) feature Jax stripped naked and bleeding from a head wound inflicted by Eli Black?
Time and time again, Jax has been referred to in UCW circles as "a great guy" -- which sounds dangerously similar to "a nice guy" -- and we all know the negative connotation associated with that.
What happens to Jax now? Who could ever take the persona of Jax Briggs seriously after match #361? Eli reduced Jax to a pitiful charity case. "Who ever said that I never gave back to the needy?" was one of Eli's despicable lines in his closing soliloquy. As a credible, respected UCW wrestler, Jax is finished.
Damn, I was set up perfectly. After Jax was denied the title based on the fine print in an imaginary rule book, UCW immediately signed him to a championship event. Once again, I was imagining the young hero Jax thanking his fans for their support. Once again, I imagined Eli Black having a meltdown, unable to cope with the consequences of his own hubris and ruthlessness. I even began composing this blog entry before viewing the match, searching for appropriate bible passages to rub salt in Eli's wounds. I heard rumors that Jax took the title, and my sense of excitement grew.
Who could have foreseen this match's repugnant conclusion? Just as Jax has been reduced to the status of a joke in UCW, so Eli has been elevated to the level of invulnerability. We fans will never see Eli lose that belt and receive his just comeuppance. Once upon a time, pro wrestling was a morality play. The heroes suffered adversity, but they eventually triumphed and presided over the punishment of the evildoers. Then fans began cheering for "heels" and everything changed. Now wrestling represents the world as it is, not as it should be. In UCW, the "heels" run the fed and the "faces" are fall guys. Hey, it's the same way in the real world. Only for one brief moment (after match #358) did UCW seem capable of inspiring us to believe in something better.
People think that pro wrestling is fake? Damn near everything in this world is fake. Politics is fake, religion is fake, practically everything we've been conditioned to believe is fake. UCW is real.
We haven't heard from Jax in weeks. Supposedly, this is due to the demands of his job and his inability to maintain internet access. That's credible -- UCW wrestlers are mostly guys who are struggling financially in this rotten economy.
Still, I've got to believe that Jax did his stint and now wants no more to do with the fed. That's totally understandable, since Jax seemed to really take his UCW persona seriously -- always went out of his way to cultivate a fan base, always maintained an unfailingly courteous and respectful attitude in all of his postings. Speaking of which, the sock puppet posts on Facebook designed to create controversy and promote this video just added insult to injury -- and damaged the Jax Briggs persona even more.
Where do we go from here? I can't imagine. Before Jax ever debuted in UCW, Bodyslam sent me a photo of Jax to assuage my misery over Johnny's departure (then still being called a "hiatus"). As it turned out, Jax fulfilled that mission above all expectations. Jax gave me a reason to keep on blogging. So much for that. It would be nice to hear from Jax after this ugliness -- the real Jax, not Bodyslam or Quinn Harper using Jax's Facebook account -- but I don't expect it. Who would want to carry on after this? Seriously. I mean, other UCW wrestlers have complaints that they weren't used properly. I'm sure they have legit gripes, but it all must pale compared to the role forced upon Jax in #361.
On a related note. Hunter Day (a naive Aries like Jax) is definitely gone from the fed (at least "for a while," as Axel phrased it). I guess Hunter was just hired to be humiliated also. You may recall how Hunter was ridiculed for being a "nobody" by his "partner" Eli Black in the last match we'll probably ever see of him. Oh, and remember the last Inside Scoop featuring Hunter? Come on. What was the point?
Hunter, Jax, Johnny...UCW is just like American society. The late George Carlin said it best: "It's a big club -- and you're not in it."
This rigged contest between a privileged egomaniac and an "obedient worker" for what should truly be called "The Eli Black Belt" is downloadable here: the UCW Wrestling website. Happy viewing.
You got a lotta nerve To say you are my friend When I was down You just stood there grinning You got a lotta nerve To say you got a helping hand to lend You just want to be on The side that’s winning You say I let you down You know it’s not like that If you’re so hurt Why then don’t you show it You say you lost your faith But that’s not where it’s at You had no faith to lose And you know it I know the reason That you talk behind my back I used to be among the crowd You’re in with Do you take me for such a fool To think I’d make contact With the one who tries to hide What he don’t know to begin with You see me on the street You always act surprised You say, “How are you?” “Good luck” But you don’t mean it When you know as well as me You’d rather see me paralyzed Why don’t you just come out once And scream it No, I do not feel that good When I see the heartbreaks you embrace If I was a master thief Perhaps I’d rob them And now I know you’re dissatisfied With your position and your place Don’t you understand It’s not my problem I wish that for just one time You could stand inside my shoes And just for that one moment I could be you Yes, I wish that for just one time You could stand inside my shoes You’d know what a drag it is To see you
Here's a hypothetical story. Two UCW wrestlers go into a bar. Their names are Hunter Day and Eli Black. Hunter immediately starts doing straight shots of bourbon (Hunter's favorite beverage, as we know from his final remark at the conclusion of UCW match #345) and he soon saunters over to the jukebox. Hunter pushes a few buttons, hollers out, "Hey Eli, this song's for you," and suddenly Bob Dylan's "Positively 4th Street" (perhaps the ultimate put-down song of all time -- featured in the video posted above) resonates throughout the establishment.
There's an old saying: "You lie down with dogs, you'll come up with fleas." Sports entertainment makes strange bedfellows but hopefully, after UCW match #355 (Underground Championship Wrestling's most recent tag team encounter, which can be purchased here: UCW-Wrestling Dot Com), Hunter is finally finished making his bed with the likes of cutthroat manipulators like Eli Black.
Hunter Day is the odd man out in this UCW tag team bout, and his fate seems written in the stars. Every other participant in this match (Michael Hannigan, Johnny Deep, and Eli Black) is a Taurus. Hunter is the lone Aries (an astrological designation that he shares, by the way, with UCW newcomer Jax Briggs). Therefore, we have three bulls and a ram butting heads, and the outcome doesn't bode well for Hunter.
I almost wrote that Eli Black sinks to a new low in this match, but the de facto UCW All-Star Champion has provided us with so many truly scummy lowlights lately, the assertion is a debatable judgment call. After all, Eli is the guy who deliberately busted Johnny Deep's head open by kicking him into a cinder block wall just one video release ago (match #354) -- and then bragged about it. Eli is the guy who finally "won" the UCW belt (which he had coveted for ages -- salivating every time he saw it and literally turning green with envy) by jumping a rookie "fluke champion" from behind during his first interview and then strangling the kid until he lost consciousness. The list of atrocities goes on ad nauseam.
Oh, I seem to have neglected to mention something in the last paragraph. That "fluke champion" who Eli victimized was an underdog scrapper named Hunter Day. Yes, in all of his macho simplicity, Hunter eventually decided that he "liked" Eli -- mainly because the champ was a tough guy with a good sense of humor (hey, does anything else matter?). Eli exploited Hunter's naivete and conned him into becoming his tag team partner. The end result is captured in this video, and it's not pretty.
In a sense, Eli truly does sink to a new low during this match. In previous matches, Eli could justify his ruthlessness the way that gangsters excuse their murderous tendencies ("we only kill our rivals"). In this match, however, Eli abuses a friend -- or at least, someone who wanted to be his friend. Eli treats his tag partner like dirt, calling Hunter a "pussy" and a "piece of trash" in front of his opponents, referee Ethan Axel Andrews, and the video cameras. For all the loyalty Eli displays, this tag match may as well be a 3-on-1 handicap bout.
At one point, former champ Michael Hannigan (the last true UCW All-Star titleholder to grace the federation) channels Ric Flair by letting go with a Nature-Boy style "WHOOOOOooooo!!!" and catching Hunter in a figure-four leglock, managing to simultaneously flip off Eli in the process. Eli reacts with indignation to the insult, but offers little in the way of assistance to Hunter. Eli simply advises Hunter to reverse the hold, in a tone one would use when explaining to a moron that 2+2=4. Of course, reversing a figure-four is not an elementary procedure, and Hunter continues to "pay his dues" in the excruciatingly painful maneuver for quite some time.
Speaking of painful maneuvers, there's just no way to execute a Boston Crab without creating absolute agony in your opponent's lower back. Sports entertainment fans who blithely write off pro wrestling as a choreographed exhibition seem oblivious to the huge amounts of pain (and frequent injuries) that the participants regularly suffer. When Michael Hannigan begins to apply the dreaded Boston Crab to a hapless Hunter, the kid immediately raises his hand to shield his mouth from the camera's scrutiny. Referee Axel hastily rushes over and asks Hunter if he wants to submit. Hunter gamely refuses and continues to suffer for several more seconds. Then there's an edit, and the match resumes with Hunter's legs in a slightly less torturous, more horizontal position. The segment made me wonder just how much pain Hunter actually had to endure during this match as a nonchalant Eli observed from the sidelines.
As it turns out, part of Eli's "throw Hunter to the wolves" strategy involved a plot to protect his own UCW championship belt, and there was some controversy after this match as to whether or not Eli deserved to retain the title. It should also be noted that, after Hunter committed a thoroughly understandable rookie mistake during this match, Eli abandoned any pretense of being a true tag team partner.
After the match concludes, the cameras continue to roll, making us privy to a post-match discussion between Eli and Hunter. Eli's verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse when Hunter dares to speak disparagingly about Eli's precious championship belt. Clearly, Eli is a megalomaniac who derives his identity from the belt around his waist. Without that belt, Eli becomes what he is so willing to label others -- a "nobody."
All that has been written thus far should not be taken as an implication that Eli spent the entire match in the role of passive observer. This match was born of the hatred between Eli Black and Johnny Deep, and each combatant was allowed to bring a friend. Johnny picked Michael Hannigan, which seemed like a no-brainer, considering the fact that the two handsome, young grapplers had already functioned as a tag team combo vs. Eli during Michael's championship reign. Having no friends in UCW (or anywhere else, most likely), Eli exploited Hunter's gullibility.
They say that eyes are the windows to the soul. Looking into the eyes of Michael Hannigan or Johnny Deep can melt your heart. Looking into the eyes of Eli Black can send chills down your spine. After Michael Hannigan had spent several minutes dominating Hunter, Eli finally accepted a tag. Eli's face radiated brutal aggression as he stepped onto the mat, as if he couldn't wait to inflict pain on Michael. Michael appeared subdued and apprehensive.
It seems as though Eli has been carrying an MMA mentality into UCW matches lately, and he isn't satisfied until he inflicts a serious injury on an opponent. In this case, Michael Hannigan was the victim, and the injury almost occurred off-camera. As Eli so often does (like a character out of "A Clockwork Orange"), he began mixing comedy routines with acts of violence. Eli pretended to be undertaking a sobriety test, walking a straight line across Michael's supine, already battered body. For some inexplicable reason, the cameraman chose that moment to pan over toward Hunter Day, who was finally enjoying some much needed recovery time in his own corner.
Fortunately, the cameraman came to his senses and focused on the mat action in time to catch the climactic moment of Eli's sadism. Utilizing slow motion and stop action playback while viewing the video, we can see Eli placing all of his weight directly on Michael's groin while executing a vicious grinding of his heel. In reaction, Michael yells out, seemingly in as much anger as pain, then yells out again.Watching Michael for the rest of this bout (including his corner time), one can observe Michael experiencing the after-effects of this maneuver. Perhaps it was retribution for Michael's Boston Crab on Hunter, but I doubt that Eli really needs any justification for this sort of behavior.
For those who enjoy seeing prettyboys squashed during pro wrestling events, Johnny takes his lumps as well. As a matter of fact, referee (and 50% UCW owner) Axel seems to deliberately allow Johnny to be double-teamed for several minutes -- presumably to boost sales of this video. For no other conceivable reason, Axel totally ignores the mat action, turning his back to lecture Michael Hannigan (one of the cleanest technical wrestlers in the fed) about the need to observe "the rules." Somehow, "Mr. There-Are-No-Rules-In-UCW" manages to maintain a serious demeanor during his harangue. When Axel finally decides to resume his refereeing duties, he unconvincingly scolds Eli with the cutesy phrase, "Bad Eli!" -- practically admitting his complicity in the attack.
(Notice that, in the previous paragraph, I referred to Ethan Axel Andrews as Axel, which I often do when I'm angry with him. Mr. Andrews seems to have a dual personality, and I associate "Axel" with villainy, probably due to Axel Rotten. When he's behaving like his usual polite, soft spoken. Piscean self, he's "Ethan.")
On matters of aesthetics, Ethan introduces Michael and Johnny as the team in "Kelly green" -- a phrase that I myself used when imagining ring attire for Michael in a fantasy tag team called the Flawless Shamrocks a few blog entries ago. (I wonder if my opinions are having an effect on the presentation of UCW matches?)
Speaking of ring attire, I have two more observations on the subject: 1. Once again, UCW featured Ethan in the sexy, sleeveless, open-front, referee's shirt that drove me wild when Johnny wore it in match #336. My kudos to the UCW wardrobe department. 2. Ethan committed a faux pas when he attempted to insult the Black-Day tag team via the assertion that their ringwear looked "gay." Besides the fact that it's the same attire worn by Johnny in his match against Nick Diesel, did you really mean to use the word "gay" in a pejorative sense, Ethan? A conservative estimate is that 95% of UCW's audience is comprised of gay males. If 95% of your audience was comprised of Poles would you have told Eli and Hunter that their attire "looked Polish"? To their credit, Hunter chose not to react to your quip, and Eli actually displayed tact(!) with the response, "By 'gay,' you mean 'happy,' right?" When Eli comes off as the most diplomatic individual during a verbal exchange, you know somebody really screwed up.
Concerning the hotness quotient of each individual grappler, we'll start with Michael Hannigan. Michael has undergone various physical transformations since entering UCW, and each one has been an improvement. Currently, Michael is sporting jet black hair and, coupled with his fair, Celtic complexion, Michael is exotically beautiful; Michael now resembles a young man of Black Irish descent -- an ethnic group I've always found especially attractive. Michael's strong legs remind me of alabaster columns and the black pads around his knees and ankles are perfect accoutrements. Of course, I've written at length about Michael's delectable derriere and the fraternity pledge fantasies he inspires within me. As if to thank me for the empathy I've always shown him in this blog, Hunter Day gave me multiple gifts of this eye candy during close-up camera shots...
(To Michael, I know that wedgies hurt, and if my earlier comments concerning your picturesque posterior really did provoke this dastardly deed, I'm sorry. To make up for it, I will gladly soothe any chafed portions of your anatomy in any manner that you request.)
As for Johnny Deep, he starred in the most emotionally affecting pro wrestling encounter I've ever seen in my life -- UCW match #336. Johnny mixes aggressive masculinity with sensitive vulnerability, making him the sexiest grappler in the underground wrestling scene today. You other federations can keep your soulless gym bunnies -- none of them can hold a candle to UCW's Johnny. Johnny's hair is stylishly long in this tag team encounter, a look that suits him best. (Johnny should definitely avoid haircuts for the next several months; Johnny with shoulder-length hair like Eric the Viking would be too hot to handle.) Time and again, I found myself hitting the "Pause" button while viewing this video and studying Johnny in awed admiration.
That brings us to Eli Black. When I saw Eli's profile pic at the BG East site, I couldn't believe it was the same Eli. Eli looks tough in that photo, but handsome, too -- maybe even wholesome. Then I saw an old video clip of Eli wrestling during those days and the video had no appeal for me, personally. Eli, even in those days, was just too ruthlessly aggressive to possess any charm. The contrast between the hard and the soft which is key to Johnny's charisma isn't present in Eli. Eli is hard through and through, which is why he is valuable to pro wrestling as a "heel" -- but when it comes to sex appeal, I wouldn't touch Eli with a barge pole. Certainly Eli has his fans and followers among the UCW faithful, but other forces of evil throughout human history have had their supporters too.
Finally, we have Hunter Day -- nicknamed "Hunted" by the brutally perceptive Eli Black. Hunter seems ready for a "face" turn in UCW and the decent guys in the fed should give this perennial underdog a chance. Who knows -- Ethan Axel Andrews, a certified personal trainer, might be able to get Hunter to trade his Jack-Daniels-and-Cokes for protein shakes. The metamorphosis could be stunning.
Once again, this is match #355, and you can download it at the UCW site. Blogger Joe from "Ringside at Skull Island" already reviewed this match, and the posting is definitely worth reading. In the second paragraph, Joe -- the anemic academic -- claims that he could defeat Eli Black in a fight. I'm not making this up. Joe is either delusional or self-destructive (there's ample evidence of both in his blog entries) and you can sample Joe's particular brand of zaniness here:
...Joe's boast is about as outlandish as me believing that I could outfight Isaiah "Ice" Burg.
Well, that's it for now. Enjoy the match -- it's got something (and someone) for everyone, regardless of your tastes. Michael Hannigan, if you're reading this -- "stay sexy." TTYL.
Concerning this blog entry's title...it just seemed natural to use that quote from Thomas Paine, written during the bleakest period of the American Revolution, to describe the current state of affairs in Underground Championship Wrestling (UCW). Cases in point (in chronological order):
1. My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (who shall henceforth and forever be known in this blog as MBPJD) inexplicably and abruptly declared himself to be on hiatus from UCW for an indefinite period of time. This development sent me on a downward spiral emotionally and nearly led to a termination of this blog, since I suspected that the attention Johnny received from myself (and a huge number of other UCW fans) may have caused the callow youth to withdraw from the spotlight. MBPJD's endearingly shy qualities were on vivid display in his "Inside Scoop" UCW video update and I probably should have attempted to tone down the enormous affection that I felt for this particular UCW grappler (at least when I was composing public entries for this well publicized blog).
2. The monster Eli Black -- the flesh-and-blood incarnation of the vile, ruthlessly brutal, dark side of human nature -- now represents UCW as the federation's All Star Champion. No, Eli didn't defeat Michael Hannigan (or Ethan Axel Andrews, or any other top level athlete in the UCW ranks). The deck has been stacked against the legitimate athletes (and in favor of the street brawlers) over at UCW for quite some time, thanks to "Bodyslam" Michael's Machiavellian no-rules, sell-videos-at-all-costs philosophy. This misguided sense of priorities led to enforcement of a 24/7 title defense rule for the championship belt. To make a long story short, the true UCW Champion Michael Hannigan was defeated for the title thanks to a noose (yes, a noose) fashioned and utilized by a bondage obsessed sadist named Nick Diesel (a far too lackadaisical Ethan Axel Andrews, who refereed the match, finally put himself through the annoyance of checking Michael's breathing at the grueling bout's conclusion). Diesel achieved only a Pyrrhic victory, however, because an opportunistic street-urchin-turned-wrestler named Hunter Day materialized out of nowhere and took the title from the exhausted bondage master a few seconds later. Still, this was not the end of the championship chaos. During Hunter's first interview as champion, our friend Eli Black attacked the rookie from behind, strangled the kid (hands around the throat -- not even the pretense of a sleeper hold) until the young man passed out, then demanded that Ethan Axel Andrews (who had been watching videos in an adjoining room) don a referee's shirt, count Hunter's shoulders down, and declare a new title holder.
3. Bereft of the championship, Michael Hannigan disappeared from UCW's social networking platforms for several weeks. I worried, and "Bodyslam" Michael labeled me a worrywart. However, I realized that my fears were justified when Michael Hannigan finally returned to Facebook to inform his friends and fans that his father had been taken ill and was in need of a kidney transplant. Furthermore, Michael was scheduled to take some medical tests to determine if he would be a match as a kidney donor. Were Michael to volunteer for the procedure, he himself would be subject to medical risks. Michael admitted to being stressed out during this period of his young life. I've been waiting for more updates, but thus far Michael's only public statement has been "UCW fans are awesome." I continue to worry.
4. Despite my philosophical differences with "Bodyslam" Michael concerning UCW's anarchic approach to pro wrestling, I feel a great deal of respect and friendship for the man. After all, it was Bodyslam's desire to prevent injuries among untrained backyard wrestlers that led to the eventual formation of Underground Championship Wrestling. Therefore I was totally taken aback when, just yesterday, I learned via Bodyslam's Facebook that he was scheduled for open heart surgery. Michael is promising to keep us all updated, and is (quite deservedly) building a huge online support network comprised largely of appreciative UCW fans.
Seriously folks, could things get any worse? Even the health of Winston, one of the two loyal UCW dogs (along with Silas) in the Bodyslam-Axel household, has been called into question.
It may be egotistical for me to believe, given all of the trials and tribulations that the two Michael's (Hannigan and Bodyslam) are facing, that either of them really cares whether or not I'm blogging. However, when Johnny announced his departure from UCW and I told Bodyslam via instant messenger that I was considering quitting this blog, I remember his reaction.
"I don't want that," Bodyslam told me. "I like you writing about us...okay, sorry, just thought you should know...Hannigan will miss you and so will I..okay...talk to you later I hope..."
Now you see, ladies and gentlemen, this is what makes UCW so special. We not only enjoy the wrestling as entertainment, but we also get to know and care about the wrestlers (and owners) as people. Maybe another blog entry would help Michael Hannigan and Michael Bodyslam know how much I appreciate them as a wrestler and as a federation founder, respectively.
In that spirit, here we go again...
When you start off a video with a close-up shot of a wrestler's feet, you know you're in for a kink-fest catering to every niche fetish in the gay community.
Those are Pedro's feet (Michael's feet, to the best of my recollection, have never been featured in a UCW medium close-up). In addition to this opening sop to male foot fetishists, we also have male/male spanking action (fulfilling my Michael-Hannigan-as-fraternity-pledge fantasy)...
There are plenty of good, old fashioned, pro wrestling asphyxiation scenes...
Bondage in leather restraints...
Lots of absolutely merciless abs punishment (both in and out of bondage). In real life, Pedro is a gut punch aficionado (I know; he's a Facebook friend of mine). As a matter of fact, before this scene, Pedro looked into the camera and said, "This is for all of you gut punching fans." Then he did this to poor Michael...
There's even nipple twisting aka tit torture. (Originally, Pedro inflicted this punishment on Michael for daring to protect his abs during a gut punching scene. Later, Michael exacted some payback...)
In short, there's everything here except nylon windbreakers (inside joke).
Generally, I don't enjoy face vs. face matches (I'm still trying to recover from the disorienting effects of seeing Ethan Axel Andrews doing bodily harm to Johnny Deep). However, there is no real acrimony in this match. The central conflict in this video simply centers upon Michael's cocky Caucasian persona and Pedro's Hispanic pride. The video opens with Michael deliberately mispronouncing Pedro's surname ("uh-spot-uh") and making tasteless puns -- e.g., "you've got uh-spot-uh here..." (pointing at Pedro's briefs) "...and uh-spot-uh here..." (pointing at Pedro's youthful complexion).
As a result of this initial mockery, Pedro slaps Michael's hand away when he attempts a rather condescending, noblesse oblige style handshake (as shown in this blog entry's very top photo). Michael reacts by commenting, "Disrespect? Alright..." -- demonstrating that he is oblivious to his own rudeness. Throughout this match, especially during the bondage and abs punishment scenes, Pedro tries to force Michael to pronounce his surname correctly. However Michael (like MBPJD) is a Taurus and he stubbornly refuses; instead Michael delivers a series of smart aleck quips that spur Pedro to inflict even more torment upon him. At one point (during the choke-out scene pictured above), Michael brashly pushes his luck by looking into the camera, addressing the viewing audience, and commenting, "Uh-spot-uh -- now that's a stupid name."
Lest we get carried away by all this, let me now reiterate that Pedro and I are Facebook friends. We both not only reside in Connecticut, but also reside in the same east/central portion of the state. (I would link to Pedro's Facebook, but it's his personal account; still, he uses it to interact with UCW accounts constantly, and most UCW fans already know him). Knowing the real Pedro, I know that he has as much gay pride as he has Hispanic pride. I also know his true feelings concerning Michael Hannigan...
This photo from Pedro's Facebook shows him posing with Michael after the match. (We know it's a post match pic because of the reddened area around Michael's midsection.) Pedro's caption reads, "Me and Michael loads a fun and a great guy to work with!" (By the way, there's a smiley face emoticon after "fun" that can't be reproduced.) In summation, this match is more like hot play between male friends than a grudge fight. I won't give you any clues whatsoever as to who eventually comes out on top. (Somewhere "Bodyslam" Michael is smiling.) Of course, there is plenty of pain (this is, after all, UCW) but the vibe is totally different from that brutal domination video which prompted me to start this blog (and we won't discuss that atrocity any further). This match is filled with consensual S&M. After inflicting significant punishment on his opponent, each wrestler asks for a submission. If a submission is denied (and it is, time and time again), the hold is broken and a new maneuver is attempted. Thankfully, this video will leave you aroused but not traumatized. This video is #320 and finding it at the UCW site is kind of tricky. From the home page, click the tab that says "VIDEOS." That will take you to a page called "videolatest.html" which features matches #331 to #350. Now, here's where it gets tricky. This page contains two "MORE VIDEOS" links, one at the top of the page and one at the bottom of the page. If you click the TOP link, you're fine. The TOP link takes you to a page called "combatsecond.html" featuring videos #308 to #330 (which includes this video, plus Pedro's match against Ethan Axel Andrews -- #314). However, if you click on the BOTTOM link, you get sent to a page called "combat2.html" -- that page features only videos #300 to #306, and you'll be lost and confused forever. (Yes, it happened to me for quite some time.) Who designed this site anyway? Quinn Harper? At any rate Blogger Joe from Ringside at Skull Island reviewed this match, and you can read it here: Ringside at Skull Island: Vote for Pedro: Here are some screen shots of UCW 's latest release [#320]: Pedro Espada versus Michael Hannigan. It's basically a...
Funny how so many readers misunderstood the pop culture reference, "Vote For Pedro." (Google it.)
That's about it, folks. Of course, Michael Hannigan is now facing adversity in his personal life far greater than any UCW opponent. We're still in your corner, champ. Stay strong. We love you.
