They say the darkest hour is right before the dawn...
Things have been going steadily downhill at Underground Championship Wrestling (UCW) for over a year. It all started when a horrible motor vehicle accident sidelined our tall, dark, and handsome Jersey Boy, Aron Stokes. (Aron is just now beginning to show signs of preparing for a return to the federation. Follow Aron's Facebook page to stay updated.)
Michael Hannigan's reign as UCW All Star Champion was doomed as soon as he tried to wrestle in accordance with UCW's "no rules" philosophy (and when he deliberately mispronounced Pedro Espada's name). UCW's beloved, mischievous adolescent, Johnny Deep, got a head injury and went on hiatus. Ethan Axel Andrews just spread himself too thin, working as a personal trainer, wrestling for outside federations, and traveling throughout the nation to do custom video shoots. UCW founder Michael "Bodyslam" had risky open-heart surgery and developed an equally dangerous compulsion to stroke Eli Black's abs. These were dark days indeed.
Recently, Underground Championship Wrestling has come to be dominated by criminals and crazy people. A bondage obsessed sadist named Nick Diesel ended Michael Hannigan's championship reign with a noose around Michael's neck. Eli Black finally succeeded in stealing the UCW Championship title that he had coveted for years and proceeded to perfect his own brand of megalomania.Quinn Harper ran roughshod over the federation, terrorizing opponents with a tactic (we won't dignify this repugnant action by calling it a wrestling "hold" or "maneuver") used by penitentiary inmates to emasculate hated enemies. Isaiah "Ice" Burg used the UCW website to post a video threatening to murder a certain blogger. A rival blogger fell in line with the forces of darkness and began to function as a UCW "heel" apologist (much like Fox News acting as propagandists for the GOP). It seemed as though UCW's "faces" didn't stand a fighting chance.
Then, rising from the ashes of this devastated landscape, a newcomer from Colorado's "Mile-High City" arrived on the scene. UCW head honcho Bodyslam sent me a photo of him to assuage my misery over Johnny Deep's departure. Ethan Axel Andrews himself patiently trained the newcomer, grooming him as a possible successor. In their initial videotaped confrontation, the rookie pulled a maneuver out of Ric Flair's playbook (feet on the cinder block wall as opposed to feet on the bottom rope) in order to score a surprise pinfall victory over his mentor. Because of the newcomer's friendly, down-to-earth personality, Ethan felt no anger over the loss -- just admiration for the rookie's cleverness. Of course, that rookie was Jax Briggs, and the match in question was #353.
UCW's latest offering, match #358, represents the federation at its very worst. We have a UCW Champion (Eli Black) whose ego is now so overblown that he believes that he can dictate the terms of tag team encounters (and it turns out that he's right). We have tag teams captained by the two most brutal villains in UCW (Black and Quinn Harper). We have yet another jobber-turned-heel (similar to Hunter Day) who has been swayed by Eli Black's charismatic ruthlessness and tricked into becoming his tag team partner (Oliver Wood). We have a referee who steadfastly refuses to do his job, pretending to be unable to count to three during pin attempts (Isaiah "Ice" Burg).
Dragged into this mess, seemingly against his will, is Jax Briggs. It is assumed that Jax will play the role of sacrificial lamb in this match -- the rookie prettyboy (it's only Jax's third UCW match) who absorbs horrendous abuse in order to titillate the sadists in the federation's audience and boost video sales.
As soon as Quinn Harper hauls Jax onto the mat and introduces him as his tag team partner, Eli begins bouncing off the wall with jealousy over Jax's good looks. Eli scrutinizes Jax, telling him that he's not "cute" and searching for flaws (Eli finally detects a pimple on Jax's chin). Jax's awkwardness is palpable during this segment. At first, Quinn simply enjoys the hazing while remaining in the background. Then Quinn feels the need to mutter a few platitudes to the embarrassed neophyte grappler:
"Just stick with me. I know this ain't your thing, but just hang in there," Quinn whispers with one arm around Jax's shoulders.
This match represents the old adage, "A house divided cannot stand." The UCW "heels" begin trash talking, and much of the improvised banter clearly crosses the line into bad taste. Eli introduces Oliver as "this tall, black thing" and mocks the name of Oliver's UCW alliance, "the Bad Boys." Eli says that Oliver & Co. are "the boys" but he is "the man." For one quick moment, Oliver seems on the verge of acting "out of character." Then Quinn contributes to the ugliness by making quips about the abolition of slavery when he sees Oliver carrying Eli's belt. Quinn's "humor" elicits a scowl from Isaiah and may explain why the referee refused to officiate this bout in any sensible way. Even before the opening bell, the UCW heel's evil empire is crumbling.
If Jax was expected to play the role of passive jobber during this match, he clearly defied the edict. Once tagged in, Jax completely ignored Oliver (the legal man on the mat) and headed straight for the source of evil, Eli Black, who was taken by surprise in the corner. Jax pounded the daylights out of the flabbergasted pseudo-champion, and Jax's heroics set the tone for much of the action that followed.
At another point, Eli commands Oliver to "get rid" of Jax, moments before the rookie knocks out Eli's reluctant henchman in an exchange of fisticuffs. Later, Jax displays his tenacity by steadfastly inching his way back to his corner while in the clutches of Oliver's modified backbreaker. This prompts Eli to enter the match himself, kicking and stomping on Jax while shrieking impotently.
"Stay still! Stay still! Why won't you listen and stay still?" the thin-skinned UCW "champion" protests to Jax.
If there is one moment in this match when Jax truly comes into his own -- when Jax proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that he's a powerful force in UCW -- it comes when Eli and Quinn are grappling. Each wrestler is completely consumed by his own hubris, and both seem to believe that Jax is unworthy of their attention. Jax casually walks up to the two UCW veterans, scoops them up in his strong, youthful arms, and bodyslams both of them to the mat simultaneously.
While avoiding the posting of any "spoilers" concerning this match's conclusion, I'll simply say this: for UCW fans who are totally disgusted by Eli Black and his ilk, this is THE match to buy. I only wish that I had been present at this taping so that I could have conducted a post-match interview with Black. I can't imagine a more soul-satisfying experience.
Oh, by the way...a few days ago, Michael "Bodyslam" informed me via a Facebook message that Johnny Deep decided to return to UCW. It's difficult to believe that Johnny's decision had nothing to do with the outcome of this match and subsequent developments in the federation.
A certain other blogger reviewed this match and, as usual, he exhibited nothing even vaguely resembling common sense (he even managed to find praise for "Ice" Burg's refereeing). You can experience the confused gentleman's foolish blathering here:
Ringside at Skull Island: All Hell Breaks Loose: Eli Black and Quinn Harper are scheduled to fight side by side as tag-team partners in #358, but leave it to El...
As mentioned, this is match #358 and it's available here: http://www.ucw-wrestling.com/. Quickly review the philosophical concept concerning karma, then just sit back and enjoy. Your faith in human nature will be restored, you'll regain your optimistic point-of-view, and hope will be kept alive in your heart.
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