You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning
You got a lotta nerve
To say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that’s winning
You say I let you down
You know it’s not like that
If you’re so hurt
Why then don’t you show it
You say you lost your faith
But that’s not where it’s at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it
I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You’re in with
Do you take me for such a fool
To think I’d make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don’t know to begin with
You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, “How are you?” “Good luck”
But you don’t mean it
When you know as well as me
You’d rather see me paralyzed
Why don’t you just come out once
And scream it
No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I’d rob them
And now I know you’re dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don’t you understand
It’s not my problem
I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You’d know what a drag it is
To see you
Here's a hypothetical story. Two UCW wrestlers go into a bar. Their names are Hunter Day and Eli Black. Hunter immediately starts doing straight shots of bourbon (Hunter's favorite beverage, as we know from his final remark at the conclusion of UCW match #345) and he soon saunters over to the jukebox. Hunter pushes a few buttons, hollers out, "Hey Eli, this song's for you," and suddenly Bob Dylan's "Positively 4th Street" (perhaps the ultimate put-down song of all time -- featured in the video posted above) resonates throughout the establishment.
There's an old saying: "You lie down with dogs, you'll come up with fleas." Sports entertainment makes strange bedfellows but hopefully, after UCW match #355 (Underground Championship Wrestling's most recent tag team encounter, which can be purchased here: UCW-Wrestling Dot Com), Hunter is finally finished making his bed with the likes of cutthroat manipulators like Eli Black.
Hunter Day is the odd man out in this UCW tag team bout, and his fate seems written in the stars. Every other participant in this match (Michael Hannigan, Johnny Deep, and Eli Black) is a Taurus. Hunter is the lone Aries (an astrological designation that he shares, by the way, with UCW newcomer Jax Briggs). Therefore, we have three bulls and a ram butting heads, and the outcome doesn't bode well for Hunter.
I almost wrote that Eli Black sinks to a new low in this match, but the de facto UCW All-Star Champion has provided us with so many truly scummy lowlights lately, the assertion is a debatable judgment call. After all, Eli is the guy who deliberately busted Johnny Deep's head open by kicking him into a cinder block wall just one video release ago (match #354) -- and then bragged about it. Eli is the guy who finally "won" the UCW belt (which he had coveted for ages -- salivating every time he saw it and literally turning green with envy) by jumping a rookie "fluke champion" from behind during his first interview and then strangling the kid until he lost consciousness. The list of atrocities goes on ad nauseam.
Oh, I seem to have neglected to mention something in the last paragraph. That "fluke champion" who Eli victimized was an underdog scrapper named Hunter Day. Yes, in all of his macho simplicity, Hunter eventually decided that he "liked" Eli -- mainly because the champ was a tough guy with a good sense of humor (hey, does anything else matter?). Eli exploited Hunter's naivete and conned him into becoming his tag team partner. The end result is captured in this video, and it's not pretty.
In a sense, Eli truly does sink to a new low during this match. In previous matches, Eli could justify his ruthlessness the way that gangsters excuse their murderous tendencies ("we only kill our rivals"). In this match, however, Eli abuses a friend -- or at least, someone who wanted to be his friend. Eli treats his tag partner like dirt, calling Hunter a "pussy" and a "piece of trash" in front of his opponents, referee Ethan Axel Andrews, and the video cameras. For all the loyalty Eli displays, this tag match may as well be a 3-on-1 handicap bout.
At one point, former champ Michael Hannigan (the last true UCW All-Star titleholder to grace the federation) channels Ric Flair by letting go with a Nature-Boy style "WHOOOOOooooo!!!" and catching Hunter in a figure-four leglock, managing to simultaneously flip off Eli in the process. Eli reacts with indignation to the insult, but offers little in the way of assistance to Hunter. Eli simply advises Hunter to reverse the hold, in a tone one would use when explaining to a moron that 2+2=4. Of course, reversing a figure-four is not an elementary procedure, and Hunter continues to "pay his dues" in the excruciatingly painful maneuver for quite some time.
Speaking of painful maneuvers, there's just no way to execute a Boston Crab without creating absolute agony in your opponent's lower back. Sports entertainment fans who blithely write off pro wrestling as a choreographed exhibition seem oblivious to the huge amounts of pain (and frequent injuries) that the participants regularly suffer. When Michael Hannigan begins to apply the dreaded Boston Crab to a hapless Hunter, the kid immediately raises his hand to shield his mouth from the camera's scrutiny. Referee Axel hastily rushes over and asks Hunter if he wants to submit. Hunter gamely refuses and continues to suffer for several more seconds. Then there's an edit, and the match resumes with Hunter's legs in a slightly less torturous, more horizontal position. The segment made me wonder just how much pain Hunter actually had to endure during this match as a nonchalant Eli observed from the sidelines.
As it turns out, part of Eli's "throw Hunter to the wolves" strategy involved a plot to protect his own UCW championship belt, and there was some controversy after this match as to whether or not Eli deserved to retain the title. It should also be noted that, after Hunter committed a thoroughly understandable rookie mistake during this match, Eli abandoned any pretense of being a true tag team partner.
After the match concludes, the cameras continue to roll, making us privy to a post-match discussion between Eli and Hunter. Eli's verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse when Hunter dares to speak disparagingly about Eli's precious championship belt. Clearly, Eli is a megalomaniac who derives his identity from the belt around his waist. Without that belt, Eli becomes what he is so willing to label others -- a "nobody."
All that has been written thus far should not be taken as an implication that Eli spent the entire match in the role of passive observer. This match was born of the hatred between Eli Black and Johnny Deep, and each combatant was allowed to bring a friend. Johnny picked Michael Hannigan, which seemed like a no-brainer, considering the fact that the two handsome, young grapplers had already functioned as a tag team combo vs. Eli during Michael's championship reign. Having no friends in UCW (or anywhere else, most likely), Eli exploited Hunter's gullibility.
They say that eyes are the windows to the soul. Looking into the eyes of Michael Hannigan or Johnny Deep can melt your heart. Looking into the eyes of Eli Black can send chills down your spine. After Michael Hannigan had spent several minutes dominating Hunter, Eli finally accepted a tag. Eli's face radiated brutal aggression as he stepped onto the mat, as if he couldn't wait to inflict pain on Michael. Michael appeared subdued and apprehensive.
It seems as though Eli has been carrying an MMA mentality into UCW matches lately, and he isn't satisfied until he inflicts a serious injury on an opponent. In this case, Michael Hannigan was the victim, and the injury almost occurred off-camera. As Eli so often does (like a character out of "A Clockwork Orange"), he began mixing comedy routines with acts of violence. Eli pretended to be undertaking a sobriety test, walking a straight line across Michael's supine, already battered body. For some inexplicable reason, the cameraman chose that moment to pan over toward Hunter Day, who was finally enjoying some much needed recovery time in his own corner.
Fortunately, the cameraman came to his senses and focused on the mat action in time to catch the climactic moment of Eli's sadism. Utilizing slow motion and stop action playback while viewing the video, we can see Eli placing all of his weight directly on Michael's groin while executing a vicious grinding of his heel. In reaction, Michael yells out, seemingly in as much anger as pain, then yells out again.Watching Michael for the rest of this bout (including his corner time), one can observe Michael experiencing the after-effects of this maneuver. Perhaps it was retribution for Michael's Boston Crab on Hunter, but I doubt that Eli really needs any justification for this sort of behavior.
For those who enjoy seeing prettyboys squashed during pro wrestling events, Johnny takes his lumps as well. As a matter of fact, referee (and 50% UCW owner) Axel seems to deliberately allow Johnny to be double-teamed for several minutes -- presumably to boost sales of this video. For no other conceivable reason, Axel totally ignores the mat action, turning his back to lecture Michael Hannigan (one of the cleanest technical wrestlers in the fed) about the need to observe "the rules." Somehow, "Mr. There-Are-No-Rules-In-UCW" manages to maintain a serious demeanor during his harangue. When Axel finally decides to resume his refereeing duties, he unconvincingly scolds Eli with the cutesy phrase, "Bad Eli!" -- practically admitting his complicity in the attack.
(Notice that, in the previous paragraph, I referred to Ethan Axel Andrews as Axel, which I often do when I'm angry with him. Mr. Andrews seems to have a dual personality, and I associate "Axel" with villainy, probably due to Axel Rotten. When he's behaving like his usual polite, soft spoken. Piscean self, he's "Ethan.")
On matters of aesthetics, Ethan introduces Michael and Johnny as the team in "Kelly green" -- a phrase that I myself used when imagining ring attire for Michael in a fantasy tag team called the Flawless Shamrocks a few blog entries ago. (I wonder if my opinions are having an effect on the presentation of UCW matches?)
Speaking of ring attire, I have two more observations on the subject: 1. Once again, UCW featured Ethan in the sexy, sleeveless, open-front, referee's shirt that drove me wild when Johnny wore it in match #336. My kudos to the UCW wardrobe department. 2. Ethan committed a faux pas when he attempted to insult the Black-Day tag team via the assertion that their ringwear looked "gay." Besides the fact that it's the same attire worn by Johnny in his match against Nick Diesel, did you really mean to use the word "gay" in a pejorative sense, Ethan? A conservative estimate is that 95% of UCW's audience is comprised of gay males. If 95% of your audience was comprised of Poles would you have told Eli and Hunter that their attire "looked Polish"? To their credit, Hunter chose not to react to your quip, and Eli actually displayed tact(!) with the response, "By 'gay,' you mean 'happy,' right?" When Eli comes off as the most diplomatic individual during a verbal exchange, you know somebody really screwed up.
Concerning the hotness quotient of each individual grappler, we'll start with Michael Hannigan. Michael has undergone various physical transformations since entering UCW, and each one has been an improvement. Currently, Michael is sporting jet black hair and, coupled with his fair, Celtic complexion, Michael is exotically beautiful; Michael now resembles a young man of Black Irish descent -- an ethnic group I've always found especially attractive. Michael's strong legs remind me of alabaster columns and the black pads around his knees and ankles are perfect accoutrements. Of course, I've written at length about Michael's delectable derriere and the fraternity pledge fantasies he inspires within me. As if to thank me for the empathy I've always shown him in this blog, Hunter Day gave me multiple gifts of this eye candy during close-up camera shots...
(To Michael, I know that wedgies hurt, and if my earlier comments concerning your picturesque posterior really did provoke this dastardly deed, I'm sorry. To make up for it, I will gladly soothe any chafed portions of your anatomy in any manner that you request.)
As for Johnny Deep, he starred in the most emotionally affecting pro wrestling encounter I've ever seen in my life -- UCW match #336. Johnny mixes aggressive masculinity with sensitive vulnerability, making him the sexiest grappler in the underground wrestling scene today. You other federations can keep your soulless gym bunnies -- none of them can hold a candle to UCW's Johnny. Johnny's hair is stylishly long in this tag team encounter, a look that suits him best. (Johnny should definitely avoid haircuts for the next several months; Johnny with shoulder-length hair like Eric the Viking would be too hot to handle.) Time and again, I found myself hitting the "Pause" button while viewing this video and studying Johnny in awed admiration.
That brings us to Eli Black. When I saw Eli's profile pic at the BG East site, I couldn't believe it was the same Eli. Eli looks tough in that photo, but handsome, too -- maybe even wholesome. Then I saw an old video clip of Eli wrestling during those days and the video had no appeal for me, personally. Eli, even in those days, was just too ruthlessly aggressive to possess any charm. The contrast between the hard and the soft which is key to Johnny's charisma isn't present in Eli. Eli is hard through and through, which is why he is valuable to pro wrestling as a "heel" -- but when it comes to sex appeal, I wouldn't touch Eli with a barge pole. Certainly Eli has his fans and followers among the UCW faithful, but other forces of evil throughout human history have had their supporters too.
Finally, we have Hunter Day -- nicknamed "Hunted" by the brutally perceptive Eli Black. Hunter seems ready for a "face" turn in UCW and the decent guys in the fed should give this perennial underdog a chance. Who knows -- Ethan Axel Andrews, a certified personal trainer, might be able to get Hunter to trade his Jack-Daniels-and-Cokes for protein shakes. The metamorphosis could be stunning.
Once again, this is match #355, and you can download it at the UCW site. Blogger Joe from "Ringside at Skull Island" already reviewed this match, and the posting is definitely worth reading. In the second paragraph, Joe -- the anemic academic -- claims that he could defeat Eli Black in a fight. I'm not making this up. Joe is either delusional or self-destructive (there's ample evidence of both in his blog entries) and you can sample Joe's particular brand of zaniness here:
Ringside at Skull Island: Made to Be Broken: UCW champ Eli Black and Johnny Deep barely had a chance to dry off after their slippery and we...
...Joe's boast is about as outlandish as me believing that I could outfight Isaiah "Ice" Burg.
Well, that's it for now. Enjoy the match -- it's got something (and someone) for everyone, regardless of your tastes. Michael Hannigan, if you're reading this -- "stay sexy." TTYL.
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