UCW Wrestling's Ethan Axel Andrews vs. Eli Black (with Vincent Stone): The Way We Were

     I had begun to forget why I despise Eli Black. In the recent videos leading up to this one (UCW Video #400 -- available for download here), we've been treated to an out-of-character, kinder, gentler Eli. Yes, Eli's interaction with his protegee, Vincent Stone, has been touching -- and it served to humanize Eli's brutal, ruthless wrestling persona. In those videos, Eli seemed willing to sacrifice a large part of his intimidating mat presence in order to keep Vincent out of harm's way.

     Match #400 features Eli Black the way he was, before Vincent arrived on the scene. This is the Eli Black who bullied My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep to the point where he quit the federation (although MBPJD seems destined to be enshrined on the UCW Locker Room page's "Active Roster" for all eternity, harsh reality notwithstanding). This is the Eli Black who was too much of an egomaniac to ever allow Jax Briggs to "get over" in a match (even when Jax won the UCW All-Star Championship). I could go on, but it suffices to say that my two favorite UCW wrestlers aren't around anymore, in large part due to Eli -- and I don't know how long a classy prep like Shane Saunders would stay with the fed if he had to deal with Eli on a regular basis.

     At one point during this match, Ethan tells Vincent, "I like you, Vinny. I really do. Don't get me wrong. But you've got to stop hanging around with Eli. You see, you're just going to get hurt." Indeed, Eli deliberately places Vincent in harm's way, time and time again, during match #400. Obviously, a shot at Quinn Harper's championship (and a chance to defeat Axel -- the most prolific competitor in underground wrestling -- who has beaten Eli in every previous encounter) trumps any loyalty that Eli feels toward his childhood friend.

     At the end of the day, Eli Black is, was, and always will be a boorish lout. This is clear from the very first words that escape Eli's lips at the start of video #400: "Oh hey, Miss Axel, how are you doing today?" Then, a few seconds later, Eli is doing his stretching exercises and Ethan is about to comment on Eli's longer hairstyle. However, Eli interrupts, "My a--? You're staring at my a--? Is that what you were about to comment on?"
     This type of talk was always offensive when it appeared on a UCW video; now that Ethan has come out as gay (a scant three months ago), Eli's hypermasculine attitude seems blatantly homophobic. Ethan, however, is too innately gentle (and perhaps a tad naive) to register appropriate outrage. As for Vincent, he just stares at the cameraman with a stunned reaction (probably thinking, "Hey, this is a gay wrestling video, right?").

     Concerning the actual match, this offering often seems like "custom match" material (i.e., it comes dangerously close to adult entertainment -- sort of like your typical Quinn Harper vid). There is quite a bit of vulgarity during verbal exchanges, and most of the action centers around low blows (and generalized punishment to that portion of the two combatants' anatomies). Eli's sadistic streak is in full swing, and the only reason why this video isn't as horrific as video #336 (the ultimate portrayal of pro wrestling victimization) stems from the fact that this time Eli is on the mat with a savvy, seasoned (albeit babyfaced) veteran -- not a heartbreakingly vulnerable prettyboy.

     At one point in the match, Ethan shouts out a threat to Eli in the midst of excruciating pain, prompting Eli to lamely accuse Ethan of being a bully (a criticism that had validity when Ethan consented to join forces with the odious Quinn Harper in match #381 -- a strange match in which Ethan and Eli seemed to switch face/heel roles). In this case, Eli is audaciously blaming the victim for his reaction to being victimized; it's similar to Eli scolding Shane Saunders for using profanity while getting beaten up during match #384 ("Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"). (Note: Shane, being the sweetheart that he is, actually tried to curb his swearing after Eli made that remark.)

     Vinny seems hesitant to become physically involved in this match, for good reason (Vincent vs. Axel is a no-win proposition). At first, Vincent identified himself as Eli's corner man, but Ethan seemed to invite Vincent's participation. Furthermore, Vincent can often be seen taking cues from someone off-camera right before he intervenes -- probably Bodyslam, who (according to his Facebook posts) enjoys seeing cute, young guys getting squashed in wrestling matches.

     Oh, and the UCW wardrobe department chalked up an epic fail as far as Vinny is concerned. You don't put jeans and socks on eye candy, ever.
     By the way, this video marks yet another milestone in technological advances for UCW. The federation just recently started marketing high definition vids, albeit slightly out-of-proportion (the wrestlers appeared elongated, not in a good way) and in bulky, difficult-to-download .wmv format. This video is available in HD, perfectly proportioned, easy-to-download, compact MPEG-4 format. (Now, for some reason, I could only play it on Windows Media Player; Real Player and QuickTime Player didn't work. Maybe my versions of those media players need to be updated with a codec or something. At any rate, play it on your Windows Media Player and you'll have a marvelous experience.)

     During a Facebook exchange, one of the purchasers of this video professed surprise over the match's ending. I inquired as to whether this "surprise" involved Vincent's involvement, and Bodyslam assured me that it did. Without posting any spoilers, I'll simply say that the action in match #400 unfolds in a manner that can be expected, if you are familiar with the personalities of the participants. This video marks a return to Eli Black's villainous ring persona -- he even punishes Vincent with a low blow when the kid makes a rookie mistake.

     It's Eli Black and Hunter Day all over again. For better or worse, the complex, nuanced Eli Black -- the guy who was wiping away tears after match #381 -- has left the building.
     Match #400 -- pitting two of UCW's most skilled performers against each other, and featuring a misguided rookie as the contest's "wildcard" -- is currently available at the UCW Wrestling website's "New Matches" page. Enjoy.

UCW Wrestling's Michael Hannigan vs. Quinn Harper: Skills and Respect

     I didn't suspect that this would be a "feel good" video -- after all, it stars Quinn Harper. However, that's what it turned out to be. The reason for that is simple. Both of these wrestlers have an honest respect for each other, and it shows throughout the match.
     By contrast, the matches that Jax Briggs wrestled for UCW left me feeling angry and bitter. The only UCW wrestler who showed respect for Jax was Axel, and that was in Jax's debut match. After that, it was all downhill -- Jax got absolutely no respect from Quinn or Eli or even Bodyslam (during the two "Inside Scoop" interviews that the UCW founder conducted with Jax). Even alleged "face" Hiro treated Jax with contempt.
     For those who missed it, here's how Jax was introduced to UCW fans. I'll reserve further comment on this and allow you to watch and judge:

     Yeah, Jax is an Aries (like another former UCW guy, Hunter Day). Aries are the "newborns" of the zodiac -- the opposite of "old souls" -- and they often have a rough go of it due to their naivete. When Quinn wrestled Jax, he grabbed the kid's face, called him "pretty" and said he knew why Jax was hired. When Quinn refereed Jax's All-Star Championship "win" against Eli (probably the most humiliating title victory I've ever seen in an entire lifetime of watching pro wrestling) Quinn performed a ventriloquist routine, saying, "I'm Jax and I'm a pussy" in a high-pitched voice (even Eli seemed embarrassed and tried to play it off). Then Quinn performed a similar ventriloquist routine on Facebook, composing "sock puppet" posts via Jax's account (don't even try to deny it, Quinn) to pick a fight with Aron Stokes by calling him an "old man" (no, Quinn -- that's your title in UCW, and it's safe and secure) and Damien Flawless (who Quinn despises with a passion, for one reason or another).
     Art often imitates life, especially in pro wrestling, and this recent "Inside Scoop" (featuring a Svengali-like Quinn demonstrating a diabolical control over UCW founder Bodyslam) is right on the money:

     According to my nemesis, Blogger Joe over at Ringside at Skull Island, "Quinn Harper looks like a shoo-in for the championship belt." From the promotion of UCW "strip matches" (call me a prude, but I don't approve) to the paranoia concerning ex-wrestlers like Damien Flawless (who has never said anything even mildly derogatory about the federation in my presence), I sense the subtle influence of Mr. Quinn Harper.
     A UCW Championship reign by Quinn Harper would probably be even more destructive to the federation than Eli Black's. To illustrate this fact, here's some correspondence I exchanged with My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep several months ago (my email address has been blurred but the address that Johnny used is readable, since it's the same fan mail address publicly posted on the UCW website.) Please excuse some of Johnny's language; the young man always did express himself in a candid manner.

     Well, there you have it. Now Johnny is almost certainly gone from UCW (his last match was a "strip match" during which he received a head injury). Jax and Damien are officially out of the federation. Quinn Harper is poised to become the next UCW Champion. Do you see why so many of my blog entries are negative and harshly critical?
     Alright. Well, let's look for a potential savior for UCW -- someone who can be a positive influence on the federation's owners and decision makers. Look no further than former UCW All-Star Champion Michael Hannigan.
     In many ways, Michael Hannigan is the personification of UCW itself. During his title reign, Michael was the underdog champion representing an underdog fed. (I remember one underground wrestling fan saying he never bought a UCW video because the tarp-covered walls lacked aesthetic appeal. This was the type of shallow criticism that was frequently leveled at Michael.)
     It's rare when you encounter someone who is universally liked and respected (especially in the dog-eat-dog environment of UCW Wrestling) but Michael Hannigan seems to be that person. From Damien Flawless (who recently posted that Michael should be UCW champ because he "works his ass off") to Bodyslam (who called Michael "a sweetheart for sure" -- Michael has been calling Bodyslam every day since Bodyslam's recent heart surgery) to Pedro Espada (who wrestled Michael and has nothing but fond memories of the experience) -- high regard for Michael Hannigan seems to be a unifying factor among these diverse (and often feuding) individuals.
     Not to dwell on this at length, but Michael is facing his own personal challenges right now. As I mentioned in my "These Are Times That Try Men's Souls" article (the link is in the last paragraph), Michael's own father has serious health issues, but there's ample evidence that Michael isn't letting the stress get him down.

     Well, on to the match I'm reviewing; it's #370 and you can purchase it here: UCW Wrestling. (It's no longer the featured video on UCW's home page because a "lost" video knocked it out of that prime spot before the week was up. That's the second time in a row this has happened to a Michael Hannigan video, and I'm not happy, UCW.)
     Michael Hannigan's work ethic is often a topic of discussion, but there's also another point to be made. Michael doesn't just try hard -- he succeeds. If anyone you know makes disparaging remarks about the quality of wrestling in a Michael Hannigan video (or UCW in general), please buy this match and shove it in their faces.
     Give the devil his due -- Quinn Harper may be a warped and twisted individual, and an all-around horrid human being -- but he has mad skills similar to Hannigan's. Quinn's been doing this stuff for centuries decades years and he's certainly attained proficiency when it comes to executing the most difficult pro wrestling maneuvers.
     Both Quinn and Michael have as much pro wrestling talent as anyone you're likely to see on the independent circuit. As a result, when it comes to mat skills, match #370 is as fine a production as anything UCW (or certainly any of their pretentious, overpriced, formulaic competitors) can churn out.
     The match begins with formal introductions of the competitors (something I suggested long ago -- could UCW be listening to Old Freddie?) by UCW founder Bodyslam, who is deliberately and entertainingly smug about his current ownership of the All-Star title (which, of course, he wrestled no one to attain).
     The former champ is introduced as, "The incredible, the sexy, the lovable, the puppy dog, Michael Hannigan." Michael seems to enjoy the intro.

     After Michael raises his hand and nods to the camera, Bodyslam continues, "I think they're all cheering for you." Michael's reaction is precious. Here...a picture is worth a thousand words:

     Then Bodyslam introduces Michael's opponent, "Facing Michael Hannigan, we have the also incredible, mean, nasty, more like uglyish -- but nice abs, and a good kisser." (See the second video in this blog entry.) "I won't explain how I know that. If you don't know, we won't worry about it...Quinn Harper."
     Quinn looks at the camera, too, but it's not quite the same:

     It should be noted that this is a match between two Irish guys whose appearances contrast as starkly as their personalities. With his alabaster skin and jet black hair, Michael typifies a Black Irishman (okay, maybe Michael's hair color is artificial, but so is Old Freddie's face -- and it's going to get even more artificial once I sell my Connecticut home, I'm proud to say) while Quinn Harper is a ginger with a rapidly receding hairline (the cap Quinn wears for the sake of vanity is a bone of contention between the two grapplers in this match -- as it was when Quinn refereed Michael's match vs. Isaiah "Ice" Burg).

     Personality-wise, Michael is a stand-up citizen while Quinn has kissed the blarney stone so many times that he could fertilize five acres every time he opens his mouth. Of course, Quinn does open his mouth frequently during this match -- mostly to threaten, mock or curse Michael -- while Michael (except for one instance when he asks Quinn for a submission) wrestles in absolute silence. It's almost as though Michael's reticence was preplanned, realizing that mic skills have never been his forte.
     Instead, Michael lets his pro wrestling skills do the talking, and they speak loudly and clearly. Despite Quinn's obnoxious boasting during a Facebook exchange that we recently had...

...the fact remains that, if this fight had been scored on a point system, Quinn would have lost in a landslide. However, most people purchase UCW videos to see prettyboys dominated by maniacs, and this match delivers on that level, too.

     This is basically a back-and-forth, see-saw battle -- the type of match which lacks credibility when it's performed by amateurs. However, Michael and Quinn pull off the give-and-take aspects flawlessly. This is an extremely fast paced match; there's a move or a counter move executed about once every 15 seconds -- and there is virtually no editing, no breaks in the continuity of the action. Pro matches utilize a referee to plan choreography, whispering the next sequence of maneuvers in each wrestler's ear during interminably held headlocks or armbars. In this video, it's just Michael and Quinn winging it; their imaginative improvisations and boundless energy are amazing.
     When Michael is in control, you know that the tide will soon turn, and Quinn will ratchet up his own level of brutality in order to gain revenge. During those moments, you'll almost wish that the kid would ease up on the beast.

     This match is 32 minutes long, but the time flies by. Although it's a cliche, there really is no loser here. When the match concludes, you don't have a sense that anyone has been victimized or given short shrift. One of these guys gets pinned, but it's the result of a minor strategical error after a long, impressive display of maneuvers by both participants. Each wrestler maintains his dignity. If there wasn't so much pain involved, you could even believe that these two savvy showmen -- one valiant, one villainous -- had fun.
     Once again, this is match #370 and it's available for immediate download here: UCW Wrestling: Latest Videos.

The Fine Art of Farce: UCW Wrestling Strips Jax Briggs of the Title

FARCE - a comic dramatic work using buffoonery and horseplay and typically including crude characterization and ludicrously improbable situations.
synonyms:    slapstick comedy, slapstick, burlesque, vaudeville, buffoonery
"the stories approach farce"
antonym:    tragedy
the genre of farce.
an absurd event.
synonyms:    mockery, travesty, absurdity, sham, pretense, masquerade, charade, joke, waste of time;
"the trial was a farce"

     How do you camouflage a really loathsome act that you've committed in real life? Well, if you're the owner of a pro wrestling federation, you turn the entire incident into a storyline.
     I have to admit, this Facebook post from UCW owner Michael Bodyslam warmed Old Freddie's cynical heart:

     At my advanced age, I should have learned one simple lesson: "cynicism" is just a synonym for "realism." Only days -- yes, days -- after Bodyslam posted that magnanimous message to his current All-Star Champion, this seventeen-minute Inside Scoop was posted at the UCW site. Bodyslam's "understanding" attitude toward Jax Brigg's circumstances was short lived, indeed.
     Despite the fact that Bodyslam claims in this video that I'm "always putting him down", the fact is that I like and respect Bodyslam. Bodyslam is your typical Leo, the astrological sign of bosses. Bodyslam is a man of action, a builder by nature, with the sensibilities of a benevolent dictator. It takes the Bodyslams of the world to create entities like UCW, and for that we all owe them a debt of gratitude. In our thankfulness for the gifts they give us, we must try our best to roll with the punches they throw at us. Those born under the sign of Leo are gregarious and generous by nature, but just the suggestion of dissent makes them go ballistic. (I learned that after I posted my "How To Destroy A Wrestling Persona" article.)
     Well, I love UCW, but I'll criticize it when decisions are made that force my favorite wrestlers out of the federation -- and that's becoming the rule over there rather than the exception.
     Jax is no longer UCW All-Star Champion, and he's "out of the company." Maybe Bodyslam will begin saying that Jax is "on hiatus" -- an adroit choice of words, since there's an implication that the wrestler's absence is temporary. However, Jax Briggs is probably on permanent hiatus from the fed -- just like My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD), whose last match (#354) featured Johnny being stripped naked after receiving a head injury courtesy of Eli Black (Bodyslam & Axel's neighbor). Of course, that type of thing isn't supposed to happen during UCW tapings...

     I knew #354 would be Johnny's last UCW appearance. I was right.
     I thought that match #361 -- the humiliation at the hands of Eli Black -- would be Jax's last UCW appearance. UCW coerced Jax into logging on to his Facebook account to offer all sorts of denials but I was right about that, too. Did Jax quit? Was he fired? What difference does it make? Jax is gone. Jax's credibility as UCW Champion was destroyed after #361 anyway.
     You know, I was watching an old match from the UCW archives the other night -- #160 -- James "The Never Give Up Kid" vs. Donavon. Now, Donavon is a hot little dude but, let's face it, he's the quintessential jobber. Still, James did everything in his power to help Donavon "get over" in that match. As a UCW All-Star Champion James was a class act. James knew the meaning of "generosity" as the term relates to pro wrestling (it's similar to "generosity" among actors -- i.e., you don't try to steal scenes). Watch #160 and then watch #361 right afterward. You'll see the difference between the old UCW (dominated by guys like James) and the current version (monopolized by Eli Black).
     For those who sat through the first portion of the skit concocted to explain the loss of Jax, you'll notice that the vile Eli Black himself made an appearance via videotape (urging that Jax be stripped of the title -- since his one-month championship reign is such a disgrace to UCW, of course).

     Nice haircut, Eli.
     Actually, all of the guys demonstrated surprisingly convincing acting skills during this kangaroo court scene. To my knowledge, only Axel has any thespian training, and he was the sole participant who seemed unable to stay in character. Barefoot, bare-chested, and incessantly grinning, Axel seemed unable to grasp the gravity of the proceedings. (No, Axel hadn't been smoking anything. Because of Axel's gentle manner of speaking and mellow vocal tone, he's often mistaken for a stoner, but he's not -- we've had that conversation before.)
     Axel and Michael Hannigan (speaking of classy ex-UCW Champions) were on hand to defend Jax, but they did so in a halfhearted way (the kid wasn't injured or in the hospital, for god's sake -- just working steadily at a locale far removed from the UCW house).
     All of the passion was on the side of the "heels" in this debate. Quinn Harper served as Devil's Advocate (typecasting for sure), Eli Black delivered a convincing videotaped deposition (allowing one slip -- he only gave Jax the belt because he dreamed of becoming the first two-time UCW Champion), and there was even a Black Dragon in attendance (notice that I didn't say "The Black Dragon" because he's not a UCW wrestler -- he's a UCW persona that has been portrayed by nearly every grappler in the fed, at one time or another).
     I am mentioned twice during the proceedings (once for "spreading rumors that go around about the company when something happens" and once for being a potential candidate for UCW referee) but, in both cases, I'm given second billing to my nemesis, Blogger Joe over at "Ringside at Skull Island." Ah, well. Life is unfair. Just ask Jax Briggs.
     Now, getting back to the shenanigans on the latest Inside Scoop -- let's suspend our disbelief for a second and take these proceedings seriously. Presumably, Jax is being stripped of the title and kicked out of the fed because he hasn't been defending the UCW All-Star Championship during the past few weeks...and we all know how many UCW matches were scheduled during that time period...

     ...but anyway...
1. Jax has been UCW All-Star Champion for the last month.
2. The 24/7 rule has been in effect for the past month.
3. That means that Jax has been defending the title 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
4. Jax has been stripped of the title for not defending it.
     Makes sense, right?
     Well, Michael Bodyslam has used UCW's loss of another highly popular wrestler to create a storyline in which he can parody one of his competitors. Bodyslam has stripped Jax of the title and seized the belt for himself, "just like many other owners. They make their boyfriend or they make themselves the champion of the company...I will make all stipulations the day of the match. My stipulations rule, and no other opinions will be taken into consideration."
     There's more such foolishness, but you get the gist.
     That's the current state of UCW wrestling, folks. The founder has taken a "heel" turn in order to needle one of his rivals and most of our favorite wrestlers (including the star of the site's currently featured video) are "on hiatus."
     This story began a few months ago when a young Aries guy (the "wide-eyed innocents" of the zodiac) showed up at the UCW house, offering a deal on promotional t-shirts from a local print shop. The kid was encouraged to train for the fed, and he soon discovered that "wrestling Axel is about as much fun as a guy can have."
     According to Bodyslam, "If Jax is ever interested in working for UCW again, all he has to do is come to tryouts, and we'll see what he's got and what he's capable of. But maybe he'll have to get a note from his mommy that he's allowed to do this."
     That's how the story ends.
     Thank you, Jax Briggs, for giving us four of the most highly entertaining matches in the history of UCW. Thank you for inspiring me to keep blogging after Johnny was forced out. I will miss you so much.

    “Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."
                                                                          -- Matthew 7:6
                                                                              New American Standard Bible (NASB)
     

    
    

UCW Wrestling's Jax Briggs vs. Hiro: Evil Becomes You

     Yes, that's UCW All-Star Champion Jax Briggs talking directly to the fans during match #365. Jax is saying (in reference to Asian star Hiro): "Hey guys, this is Jax. You like to see more of me beating up guys like this? You want to see more, you know where to go. You know who to look for -- Jax." Clearly, this is a dangerous individual -- the type of guy who will shank you if you cross him. This is also the guy I compared to Tinker Bell two blog entries ago. I suppose I should fear for my life now.
     If I am about to meet my somewhat untimely doom, it's all Michael Bodyslam's fault. For some reason, the UCW Wrestling founder chose to release this tape out of sequence. If you listen to Bodyslam's recap of Jax's previous matches right after Jax won was awarded gained the UCW title, you'll learn that match #365 actually was Jax's third match in the federation (right between the loss vs. Quinn Harper -- #356 -- and the tag team victory -- #358).
     This match is the missing piece in the puzzle of Jax's phenomenal and unprecedented rise to the very top of the UCW hierarchy. If you study match #365 (or even just study the three photos I posted here), it becomes obvious that the real Jax is a pretty scary dude. How do we feel about that, UCW fans?

     Yeah, I have to agree. In other words, Jax Briggs, I still love you so don't kill me, okay? Kindly direct your vitriol at the always deserving Blogger Joe, who actually called both you and Hiro girls in his "Ringside at Skull Island" review of this match.
     This is the first match Jax has had against someone he clearly doesn't like. (Jax and Axel are straight-up friends and Jax's relationships with ultra-heels Quinn Harper -- who he seems to consider a mentor -- and Eli Black -- who gave Jax the championship belt in a fit of megalomania -- are too complex to fathom). The animosity between Jax and Hiro is evident as soon as Hiro enters the weight room while Jax is pumping iron. The two wrestlers don't acknowledge each other, and Hiro seems to regard Jax in a smug manner (to say the least).

     The Japanese grappler's coy disrespect antagonizes Jax. When Hiro adds weights to a barbell that Jax just used (with the cameras rolling), our current UCW champ loses his cool. Using the universal language of a sucker punch, Jax begins this fight (#365 was not a scheduled match; both Jax and Hiro were then considered to be UCW "faces").
     I myself have always doubted Hiro's "face" status in UCW anyway. I learned from my good friend, local UCW wrestler Pedro Espada, about the existence of a secret clique within the federation which includes both Hiro and one of the dirtiest, meanest wrestlers in the business. (I won't divulge the name of this secret alliance, but I'll just say that their initials are "M.N." -- in case they ever go public.)
     Furthermore, it should be noted that Hiro is the first combatant in this match to use a weapon -- a broomstick, which he utilizes with insidious glee to attack Jax's manhood.

     As a matter of fact, Jax's manhood seems to be a major preoccupation for Hiro. Two minutes later, Hiro has Jax backed up against a wall and he's at it again.

     (Yes, Hiro is doing exactly what you think he's doing.)
     By the way, the transition from UCW weight room to UCW mat room is really cool...

     The closed fists seem to be thrown with more impact in this match than in any prior UCW production. A choke hold administered by Hiro turns Jax's face bright red. The always excruciating Boston Crabs are maintained for extraordinarily long periods. The overall meanness displayed by these two fighters stands in sharp contrast to Jax's friendly competition vs. Ethan Axel Andrews in the champ's UCW debut.
     In a moment of unintentional irony, Jax traps Hiro in a chin lock and says, "Smile for the camera, prettyboy." As Jax administers the painful maneuver, he looks about as pretty as any wrestler in the sport's history (not intended as an insult, Jax).

     Hiro goes the first ten minutes of this match without speaking a word of decipherable English. One of the first instances of Hiro's proficiency in the language occurs, fittingly, after Hiro reverses a Figure Four leg lock. "How do you like my heel in your balls?" Hiro calmly and politely asks, exhibiting all the detachment of a professional torturer.

     Maybe it's got something to do with some Eastern philosophy, meditating to achieve serenity, trying to reach nirvana or whatever (I can picture Blogger Joe jumping up and down right now, spitting and fuming about "xenophobia"), but Hiro remains eerily (and sinisterly) unemotional throughout this bout. "Do you sub-meet," Hiro quietly inquires as Jax thrashes about in a punishing leg lock. Then Hiro yanks Jax's leg up to an even higher elevation, holding the limb at a level you'll rarely see in any pro wrestling match. "How...about...now? I can't hear you." Hiro sadistically interrogates as Jax yells incoherently.

     UCW wrestlers usually carry on their business without acknowledging the camera's presence. When a wrestler looks directly into the lens, it's often because they have reached their threshold of pain and they're about to call for a break in the filming (as Johnny Deep seemed to be doing when he was trapped in an Ethan Axel Andrews backbreaker during match #316). However, during this match, Hiro frequently plays to the camera, demonstrably gloating when Jax is experiencing maximum pain.

     That bear hug goes on interminably, Jax's abdominal region is increasingly reddened, and Hiro decides to demonstrate his nonchalance about Jax's suffering by whistling a happy tune.

     The creepiness continues as Hiro follows up on the bear hug, placing his foot on the small of Jax's back while pulling Jax's arms, shrieking, "Wheee!" three times in a high pitched voice.

     This is not to imply that this match is a squash by any means. As a matter of fact, this encounter is a see-saw battle to the very end, and the pin is particularly humiliating. (I'd run a photo, but you know what Michael Bodyslam said about spoilers.) This match -- #365 -- is a fascinating study of two UCW "fan favorites" who simply don't like each other. As a result, each of these wrestlers reveals heretofore unseen aspects of his personality that are not in keeping with his UCW persona -- and the dose of harsh reality is refreshing. Currently this is the featured match at the UCW website. Needless to say, it's highly recommended, despite the fact that Blogger Joe saw fit to devote only 210 words to it (yeah, I counted).

Ringside at Skull Island: Good Boys Go Bad: Jax and Hiro are the busiest and most popular new hires at UCW . It was just a matter of time before fan adulation wou...
    
Till next time...see you at the matches.

My Own Private UCW

     Well, I'm hanging out at this hustler bar in Philadelphia called Underground CW (aka UCW) and if you don't know what hustler bars are, have I got a book for you. They're basically places where beautiful young guys with complicated personalities (and lives) congregate, willing to provide paid entertainment for middle-aged gay gentlemen (as long as they're not required to compromise their masculinity).
     New Orleans is full of such places, but I've been stuck up in Connecticut trying to maintain this beauty of a house I inherited and feeling like a fish out of water. Most of the rest of the country now hustles via the internet and I think it's a shame. Thankfully, I found UCW and the six hour trek to Philly is well worth the time and effort.
     The place is owned by two guys, Michael Bodyslam (a gentleman around my age) and a hot young stud named Ethan Axel Andrews. Such father-son surrogate combos often become lasting relationships -- it's not as rare as you may think.

     Yeah, yeah. You're family, Ethan -- whether you know it or not. Anyway, I never forgave you for not liking that fan fiction I wrote about you. Don't talk to me right now.
     Getting back to what I was saying, there's this one dude hanging out here who gets me on edge every time I glance at him. His name is Eli Black, and he's sort of become the bar's de facto enforcer. I know the type. You get a guy who's popular with a lot of the customers and, if he's shrewd enough, pretty soon he takes the place over. Eli practically lives in this establishment now, and he's the henchman for the owners. Eli is like UCW's bouncer. Anyone causes trouble, Eli steps up.
     Eli is in a special position at UCW and he uses it to his advantage. Truthfully, Eli can pretty much do whatever he pleases at UCW now. If some brash, young guy comes in off the streets and starts distracting the customers' attention away from Eli, Eli will deal with it. There won't be any repercussions from management, either.

     Oh, I didn't need to be reminded of that. My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) -- it just breaks my heart, what Eli did to him. I need another cocktail, bartender. Alcohol gets my creative juices flowing and enables me to compose amusing blog entries for you. Otherwise, I'd get too bitter, just thinking of how Johnny was run out of this bar by that...monster.

     Ah, that's good stuff. Fulton's Harvest Pumpkin Pie creme liqueur. Anything pumpkin -- right, Ethan?

      Well, that's a relief. I guess even an old broken clock like me is correct once every twelve hours. By the way, whenever you smile I can't help but notice that tooth you chipped getting bashed into the cinder block wall just like...oh, I have to put these negative thoughts out of my mind. Ah, let me just concentrate on my drinking, shut this bar out of my mind, ignore Eli, and reminisce...
     You know, the first celebrity crush Old Freddie can recall having was on a Boston Red Sox player named Tony Conigliaro. I was just a little kid then -- not even ten years old. Tony was pretty much of a kid, too -- started playing major league baseball at 19. Then he got hit by a pitch, injured bad, and it killed his career. Seems like I had a thing for handsome guys in rough situations even then. Damned near 50 years ago, and nothing ever changes. Hmm...now who does Tony Conigliaro remind me of? I'm trying to think...

     Anyhow, after Tony couldn't play ball anymore, he tried a singing career. I remember Tony performing "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" on the Merv Griffin show. I can't recall if Tony could really sing, but I fell in love with him right then and there.

     You've got a point, Aron. Sorry about that, my Jersey boy.
     Hey, it ain't nothing. Now excuse me while I kick some Spartan ass over here.
     Good. I don't like that guy. I mean, I talked shit about him and then I felt bad and apologized, but I still don't like him. Oh, hey -- speaking of talking shit, that Blogger Joe guy was just in here and he called you a dick.
     Huh? You talking to me?
     Yeah, Aron. I was just quoting Blogger Joe. That's what he said about you. Everyone heard him.
     Oh, man. Forget about it. That blogger guy walks in here, he's dead meat.
     Hey, I don't blame...
     Whoa! I can't believe it! Guess who just decided to stick his head into the door? His eyes aren't accustomed to the dim light, though. I don't think he sees me.
     HEY, JOHNNY!!!
     Johnny's looking over at Eli warily...but now he's coming inside and walking toward me. YES!!! A lot of the customers perked up as soon as Johnny walked through the door, and I can tell that's making Eli even more pissed off.

     Oh, same old same old. I'm feeling much better since you walked in, though, Johnny.
     Hey, man -- I'm not supposed to be in here when Eli is working. I just came in to say hello. The only reason Eli hasn't kicked me out yet is because I'm talking to you.
     Screw Eli. You're with me. Johnny, it's so nice to be able to talk to you. You ignored me for the longest.
     Well, Freddie, you creeped me out at first -- the way you always stared at me. I thought you were some kind of crazy stalker. I mean, I like attention but you were giving me too much. You seemed obsessed.
     No, stalkers threaten people when they're rebuffed. I could never hurt you, Johnny. You're like the son I never had.
     Aw, you're a sweet guy. Now that I know you, I realize that. Hey, who's that bull in the corner though? I never saw him here before.
     Oh, he's a new face -- and he's a pretty big deal around here now. His name is Jax. He's a nice guy -- maybe too nice for his own good.
     Man, that belt he's wearing with all the gold and shit -- that looks familiar. Isn't that the belt Eli used to wear?
     Yeah, it is. Eli gave it to him.
     Huh??? Are you serious? Man, when did being nice start paying off around here?
     I don't know if it will pay off, in the long run. The place is still a jungle. I worry about you being in this environment, Johnny -- and I don't like the way Quinn Harper is looking at you right now.
     Quinn Harper is here? Oh, shit. I didn't see him. Where is he?
     Over there by the pool table. He hasn't taken his eyes off you since you came in.
     That does it. Now I know I've got to get out of here. Harper is worse than Eli. I told you about what he does to guys during fights.
     Yeah, I've seen it first-hand.
     You have?
     Yeah. He did it to Jax when I was watching. The "oil check" thing. That guy needs to be locked up.
     Well then, I don't have to explain it to you anymore. You know what I'm talking about. Listen, Freddie, it was great seeing you again. I've got to go now.
     Hey Johnny, give me a hug first.
     Damn. Even after that hug, it hurts seeing Johnny leave -- maybe for good. I just keep watching the door, hoping that Johnny will decide to come back.
     Oh, hey -- I just saw Damien Flawless walk past. Damien won't be coming in here, though -- that's for sure. Guys like Damien -- the out and proud, openly gay, flamboyant types -- they just don't fit in here at UCW. The only way someone like Damien could ever be accepted here would be if he was in drag -- and that's not Damien's style.

     I wouldn't feel too bad for the Flawless One, though. Old Damien got out of the life and hooked up with some fast food mogul. I heard they're getting married in a few months. Here's to you, Damien.
     I've got Michael Hannigan sitting a few barstools away from me. Michael's pants are sagging really low and I keep sneaking glances at that cute ass of his. I don't want to make it too obvious because Michael seems self-conscious about not having a belt to wear. Michael is a real sweetheart.
     Oh, wouldn't you know it? Here comes Blogger Joe again with two of his nelly-ass, pretentious friends (they're chit-chatting about "Southern Living" magazine).

     Hi yourself, Joe. I'm just wondering how long it's going to take before you say something about UCW that aggravates me.
     What do you mean, Freddie? I love this place. It's fast, cheap, and out of control!
     Well, I think you just broke your own record. What gives you the right to have such a condescending attitude toward UCW?
     Condescending? Moi? You've got me confused with someone else. I stand in solidarity with the proletariat.
     You're so full of shit. I am never, ever going to forgive you for calling my boy Johnny a "scumbag." Oh, and by the way, Aron heard about how you called him a "dick" last time you were in here, and he's ready to beat the crap out of you. It's a good thing Aron hasn't noticed you yet. HEY, ARON!!!
     Well, I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable about all this. If I wanted to shuffle off this mortal coil, it would be in the arms of that Marcus Ares fellow, not Aron's.
     Just shut the fuck up -- and get the fuck out. You need to go back to that BG Dance Club you love so much. You don't belong here.
     Security! I think we need security over here!
     Oh, no. Don't think Eli is going to save your sorry ass, either. Eli hasn't forgotten how you called him a "punk" and said that you could beat him in a fight. Look at Eli. Eli sees what's happening over here. Eli's laughing at you, Joe.
     Oh, dear me. This is something of a sticky wicket. I believe that it's time for us to make our exit, gentlemen. Discretion is the better part of valor.
     Yeah, yeah. Get the fuck. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Motherfuckers.
     Uh-oh. Bodyslam is coming this way, looking plenty unhappy -- and he's got Eli with him.

     Yeah, sure, Bodyslam. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?
     Well, things were sounding pretty rambunctious over here. How many cocktails have you had, Freddie?
     I don't know. I lost count a long time ago. Besides, that's got nothing to do with anything. You know I hate that Skull Island guy, Bodyslam.
     Now, Freddie...Joe carries a lot of clout here at UCW. Joe spends a lot of capital over here. You just need to calm down. You always go too far. You're hurting my bottom line.
     Hurt UCW? Me? I'd never hurt UCW. I love UCW. Shit, this is my niche. I come as close to fitting in here as I ever could anywhere. I mean, if it wasn't for UCW, where else would I go?
     Yeah, that's true. We're the only ones who would put up with you.
     Um...I'm trying to formulate a comeback but I'm unable to. I guess I can't argue with that. I can only say that, when the smoke clears, at the end of the day, you'll see I helped your business more than I hurt it.
     What am I going to do with this guy?
     (Bodyslam muttered that under his breath, half to Eli and half to himself.)
     Look, Bodyslam -- it's only because I hate drinking alone. That's why I get loud and mean. Where are all the hardcore partyers, man. I need a drinking buddy. Where's Hunter?
     Hey Freddie, I don't have to sugarcoat it with you. I don't have to pretend that everything is nice. You can handle it. Hunter was living life in the fast lane. Now he has to pull back and get some rest. It's the same story with so many of the other guys you've seen here in the past. You know the score.

     Damn. I liked Hunter, even if he was following behind the wrong people -- getting used by people he thought were his friends.

     Well, Hunter will be welcome back here, when he's ready.

     Oh, man...I need to play the jukebox

 

    

    

     Love that song. Hey, there's a customer staring at me.
     What are you looking at?
     You. I find you entertaining.
     Yeah? What's so entertaining about me? People think I'm a comedian or something, when I'm just being myself.
     Now the guy's laughing. I'm starting to get angry.
     Oh, I don't mean to be rude. I wasn't laughing at you. Not really. It's just that you get so emotionally involved in everything. I even saw you here when they were doing the Thursday night oil wrestling. You seemed to believe it was real.
     It is.
     Oh? You don't believe it's scripted?
     Look, the stuff that doesn't matter is scripted. The stuff that matters is real. You see the true personalities of the wrestlers expressed during the matches. You see who are really friends. You see which guys are jealous of each other. You can tell who's got their shit together and who's living on the edge.
     Amazing. You can divine all of that information. You must be highly perceptive.
     Yeah, I can divine plenty. You think those guys aren't really hurting each other? You think there's no real pain? Haven't you ever heard someone say "cut" from backstage during a match, and then the lights go dark for a few seconds before the action resumes? What goes on in the dark? It's a guy trying to regain his composure after he was pushed beyond his limits -- and it doesn't happen by chance.
     Well, I guess I was talking a bit too loud. Here come Bodyslam and Eli again, and this time they're striding toward me in a purposeful, resolute manner. I better hurry up and make my point.
     These UCW guys are totally objectified anyway. The best looking guys are the ones that the customers want to see suffer most -- and they call themselves their "fans." I'm not even going to start talking about the private matches in motel rooms. You think you're leaving the real world when you come here to UCW? No. You're entering the real world.

     Alright, I know better than to argue with you guys. I'll leave -- go home, drink some more, and listen to my music there...

     ...I'll be back later. I think.