UCW Wrestling's Ethan Axel Andrews vs. Eli Black: The Burial of an Ass

18 Therefore thus saith the Lord concerning Jehoiakim the son of Josiah king of Judah; They shall not lament for him, saying, Ah my brother! or, Ah sister! they shall not lament for him, saying, Ah lord! or, Ah his glory!
19 He shall be buried with the burial of an ass, drawn and cast forth beyond the gates of Jerusalem.
20 Go up to Lebanon, and cry; and lift up thy voice in Bashan, and cry from the passages: for all thy lovers are destroyed.
                                                                    Jeremiah 22:18-20 King James Version (KJV)
     That Biblical quote concerning the demise of a tyrannical prince seems appropriate in reference to former UCW champion Eli Black. In the above photograph, we see Eli in a spladle, being spanked (both figuratively and literally) by Ethan Axel Andrews in UCW match #338. Notice how red splotches are immediately forming on the cheeks of Eli's "lily-white ass" -- a phrase used by "Ringside at Skull Island" in the second paragraph of this review (a tirade by Blogger Joe in which he professes an ability to "scrub the mat" with Eli's posterior -- which is sort of like the old coot thinking that he could beat Mike Tyson).
     In Eli's most recent UCW appearance (video #358 -- the title match vs. Jax Briggs), Eli claimed to be in a class by himself, and there was no real competition available in the federation. To anyone who took this load of cow manure seriously, I recommend viewing match #338 -- Eli's humiliating attempt to defeat Ethan Axel Andrews (who current champ Jax Briggs, the "needy" recipient of Eli's noblesse oblige in that championship bout, has already defeated -- in his very first UCW match).
     Memo to Jax Briggs: Eli Black is not invincible. Champ, I love you, but here's some constructive criticism. Eli had you totally psyched out during that championship bout, and you don't seem to have snapped out of it yet. For those who don't understand what I'm talking about, peruse this recent Facebook exchange between Jax and me:

     That championship match could have been (and probably was) scripted by Eli Black himself, in order to stroke his own massive ego. Jax Briggs (who was actually labelled as "way too nice" by Eli during the match) allowed himself to become UCW Champion via a title change that destroyed his own credibility as a wrestler. As a champion, Jax is now UCW's Tinkerbell -- oops, I mean Tinker Bell. If we UCW fans don't believe in Jax as our champion, he'll just fade away.

     Well, I'm clapping as loud as I can, but I can't do it alone. Fortunately, Ethan Axel Andrews is a certified personal trainer and he's taken Jax under his wing, so to speak. It all makes sense, actually. Of all astrological signs, Pisces is the most gentle and the least likely to become involved in combat sports. Ethan is a Pisces -- and his adherence to a strict physical training regimen came about as a reaction to being bullied during his teen years. Naturally, Ethan would feel an affinity toward Jax and do everything in his power to prevent the kid from being victimized by hardcore S.O.B.'s like Eli. As a matter of fact, here's the current UCW "Inside Scoop" video blog:

     Yes, Ethan it's nice that you're a certified personal trainer (as Michael Bodyslam reminded me on Facebook this morning)...but My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) could have a license in occupational massage therapy by now if you hadn't pulled rank on him concerning usage of the UCW mat room. Just saying.
     Ah well, I haven't the time for such bitterness. Besides, I have to get on with my review of match #338 -- and I hope Jax Briggs is paying close attention. To be the man, you have to beat the man and you already beat the man who beat Eli -- so chin up, Champ. (By the way, Jax, I'm already feeling pangs of guilt about what I wrote three paragraphs ago. If this causes you to be called "Tinker Bell" by jerks like Quinn Harper for the duration of your tenure in UCW, I'll never forgive myself.)
     Match #338 begins with typical UCW banter, but Ethan shuts up Eli permanently with, "But you still haven't won the belt" -- a retort which no longer can be used, and I can't help feeling that we've lost something precious. As for Eli's appearance -- which really doesn't merit much discussion -- he was in a transitional phase when this match was taped. Certainly, Eli doesn't possess the deceptively attractive look of his BG East days but he hasn't yet grown that moss-like substance on his face, either.
     Eli avoided this match with Ethan for quite some time because he knew it would ruffle his feathers. Not only is Ethan as well-trained as Eli in various forms of combat, but also -- and more importantly -- Ethan has more political clout in UCW than Eli. Eli may be able to entice UCW Founder Michael Bodyslam into some clandestine ab stroking, but Ethan is Bodyslam's housemate and he's got 50% ownership of the fed. Not surprisingly, Eli is able to mount no offense whatsoever during the first five minutes of this fight.

     As Ethan works over Eli's allegedly injured arm (assuming that the bandages aren't just a prop allowing Eli's mat persona to save some face during this debacle), Eli almost seems to be crying.

     Watching UCW matches while utilizing stop-action and slow-motion, I've noticed that the wrestlers make some sort of physical contact with their opponents (most often a hand touching a shoulder) when they're receiving more pain than they can handle. If their opponents don't relent, they look directly into the cameraman's lens with desperate, deadly serious facial expressions to signify that they're really in trouble. During this phase of the match, Ethan seems fairly relentless.

     As a matter of fact, as Ethan continues to dominate Eli, Eli musters the audacity to remark, "That's right -- be a bully." (To anyone who has witnessed Eli's merciless beatdowns of Johnny -- including abuse after Johnny was already knocked unconscious -- the irony is laughable.)
     "You're the exception to the bully rule," Ethan patiently explains to Eli. "You're the biggest bully of all."
     Indeed, it would be unfair to accuse Ethan of sinking to Eli's level during this match. Keeping in mind all of his past experiences, Ethan seems focused on justice, not vengeance. Ethan gives the impression that he'd be in favor of the death penalty, but not cruel and unusual punishment. Eli, on the other hand...
     Ethan and Eli provide a study in contrasts and it was inevitable that they'd clash. Ethan is the soft-spoken product of America's heartland, a transplanted Wisconsinite squeezed into skin-tight corduroys, dreaming of NYC hipster status.

     Okay, okay.
     Eli, on the other hand, is the streetwise loudmouth, the Philadelphia hooligan who yells, "Pussy!" every thirty seconds, like a rube in a whorehouse. Even the physical appearances of these two grapplers are opposite. Observing Ethan and Eli tie up on the mat provides a plethora of memorable images. We have clean-cut Ethan's long, lithe limbs wrapped around Eli's compact, rugged, tatted-up frame...

     (By the way, that's Eli preparing Ethan for his finishing maneuver, The Shutdown -- an uninspired, lackluster name if ever we heard one. Eli, you should utilize a signature move that makes people remember your name -- like The ELIminator or The Blackout. You're welcome.)
     Now, for some reason, this match reminded Old Freddie of two other athletes from a bygone era. We have the tall, statuesque brunet with the wholesome image from a respectable background and the smaller, feisty blond with the ruthless attitude from a hardscrabble background. I just wish I could remember who those two athletes were.
     At the end of this match, Eli challenges Ethan to a gut-punching contest to determine the winner. When Ethan agrees, Eli can barely conceal his gloating, thinking that he's conned the idealistic jock into playing by his rules. However, Ethan proves to be a game competitor...

     In my last blog entry, I decried the fact that pro wrestling has abandoned its role as a morality play for American society. Without going into any more detail, let me just say that this match stays true to that old-school concept. You can read Ringside at Skull Island's take on this presentation here:

Ringside at Skull Island: Nemeses: UCW-Wrestling 's latest release [#338] gives us the highly anticipated one-on-one, mano-a-mano showdown between E...     

     As I mentioned, this is UCW video #338, and it's available for download here: UCW Wrestling. Ethan Axel Andrews stars as a sexy, avenging angel who sends Eli Black (in the role of Ole Slew Foot) tumbling down into the fiery pits of hell where he belongs. Enjoy.