UCW Wrestling's Eli Black vs. Pvt. Jack Marino: Do It For Johnny!!!

     Up top we have one of the great moments in the history of Hollywood "Youth Literature" adaptations. That's Dallas Winston in "The Outsiders," vowing vengeance on the socs who were responsible for the death of his best friend, Johnny. Directly underneath we have a UCW WTF??? moment -- Pvt. Jack Marino ministering to a barely conscious Eli Black like Mary Magdalene during the Passion of Christ.
     You probably didn't know this (because I didn't know it until UCW founder Michael Bodyslam informed me) but Johnny Deep and Pvt. Jack Marino are close friends -- so close, in fact, that Johnny temporarily quit the fed because he was so forlorn after Jack enlisted in the army. Don't believe me? Here's a chat that I had with Bodyslam several months ago (click to enlarge):

     Now you probably did know this, if you read my blog regularly -- the last UCW match that Johnny Deep wrestled was also an oil match against Eli Black (#354). I'm sure you all remember what happened in that encounter (a bleeding head wound is hard to forget) but just in case the memory has dimmed, Eli Black is more than happy to remind us -- right at the very beginning of match #379, before the action even begins.

     Video #379 opens up with a shot of those two bosom buddies, the federation's thuggish ex-champion, Eli Black, and the current, self-appointed All-Star champion for life, UCW co-owner Michael Bodyslam. (Anyone who follows Bodyslam's posts on Facebook knows that he is quite forthright -- even boastful -- about his sadistic streak, so it's only natural that Bodyslam would share a certain affinity with a notorious "heel" like Black.)
     Bodyslam: "So are you ready to meet your opponent?"
     Eli: "Yeah. Who is it? Is Johnny Deep still back? Is he coming back? Did he wake up from his coma?"
     Bodyslam: "I don't think Johnny Deep will ever do an oil match with you again."
     That's good for a few chuckles. Not having rubbed enough salt into the wounds of my favorite former wrestlers, they continue.
     Eli: "What about Jax? Did he ever get out of that trunk I put him in?"

Oh, that's really hilarious, isn't it, Michael?

     Bodyslam: "Ah, no. He's probably still in the trunk."
     And so it goes...
     Of course, it's mere coincidence that the final UCW appearances for both Johnny and Jax were matches against Eli Black. Besides, Johnny is still listed on the active roster and he's scheduled to return after his summer vacation. (Hmm...now what was the title of that 1966 surfer movie?)
     Finally, Eli's mystery opponent shows up and it's Pvt. Jack Marino, on leave from his military duties. Now, if you assume that this is going to be another squash of Eli's former bondage slave, think again. Jack is more muscular (and hirsute) than ever before, clearly in tiptop shape thanks to the rigors of army life.

     Do you know what's wrong with this picture? We've got smiles all around. Where's the killer instinct, Jack? You are about to fight the guy who not only left your best friend stripped naked and bleeding from a scalp laceration (the aforementioned match #354) but also beat him to the point of unconsciousness, then beat him even more (match #336 -- the most affecting example of bullying, pro wrestling style, that I've ever seen, and my reason for creating this blog). I wanted to see Dallas Winston in that "Outsiders" hospital scene; instead I got something all together different.
     Jack remains disappointingly easygoing throughout this video. Jack is the antithesis of UCW newcomer Danny Sticks, who was the subject of my last blog entry. I don't know Jack's astrological sign, but I'll bet my life that he's not a Cancer. (On a side note, my fellow Cancerian Danny Sticks has seen fit to mock my interest in astrology -- not once but twice -- in recent video communiques.)

     Ah, well, it's to be expected. Two Cancerians never get along -- too much intensity. At any rate, Danny is now sporting a spiffy, new, never-before-seen UCW Wrestling t-shirt following his attendance at a federation videotaping this past weekend. (I wonder if Jax Briggs' old employer is responsible for the printing.)

     Okay. Enough about Danny -- at least for now. Let's get back to Pvt. Jack and his social interaction with Eli Black in match #379.
     Before the bell even rings, Eli calls Pvt. Jack a "pussy" (Eli's favorite word) and later uses a profane litany to describe Jack's mother. Then Eli looks directly into the camera and speaks to us about an abominable heterosexual practice called "bowling" (I won't go into detail, but it's definition #4 in the Urban Dictionary) before inflicting this humiliating and emasculating "wrestling maneuver" on Jack. 

Something we'd expect from Quinn Harper?

     Eli is actually one of the twin snakes in UCW's Garden of Eden. Both Eli and Quinn are attempting to lead UCW down paths which are detrimental to the federation. Eli's influence is for hardcore violence and Quinn's is for  hardcore sleaze. If we want hardcore violence, we'll watch videotapes of MMA matches (where Eli may also make an appearance, by the way). If we want hardcore sleaze, we'll watch one of BG East's lecherously contrived "X-Fight" matches. UCW is not an adult entertainment site. Furthermore, hot young guys who have a lot going for them (e.g., Johnny Deep and Jax Briggs) probably aren't going to keep showing up for taping sessions if Eli is beating them bloody or Quinn is sticking his hand under their tights.
     It amazes me that so many UCW wrestlers rationalize what happens to them at the hands of Eli and Quinn. For example, Jax Briggs actually considers the hellish experience at the hands of Quinn Harper during match #356 to have been "a learning experience." Similarly, Pvt. Jack absorbs horrendous abuse during this ugly clash with Eli, but the serviceman remains cheery and unflappable throughout.
     For example, at one point, Eli notices that the cap from the oil bottle has sharp edges, so he commences to grind it into Jack's flesh, proudly displaying the ring-shaped imprints to the camera.

     If that cruelty isn't reprehensible enough, Eli demonstrates that Johnny's head injury in match #354 was no accidental fluke by deliberately attempting to hurl Jack head-first into the same cinder block wall. Fortunately, Jack's cranium stops short of the wall by about an inch.
     "Missed!" Eli grouses, and the cameraman (whoever he is) offers Eli the helpful advice that there wasn't enough oil on that portion of the mat. It's all typically ruthless UCW behavior, even on the part of the fed's technicians. 

     In this match, Michael Bodyslam plays an important role. In past matches, Bodyslam has consistently favored his fair haired boy, Eli Black. Bodyslam actually served as a launching pad for an Eli Black frog splash on a hapless Hunter Day (match #345) and offered heartfelt congratulations to Black after the then-champ's fiasco of a title defense against Jax Briggs (match #358).
      This time, however, Eli is facing an opponent who the UCW boss favors, and that fact proves to be Eli's undoing. After dominating the first ten minutes of action, Eli pauses to request another anointing of oil from Bodyslam. Bodyslam acquiesces, but "innocently" begins the process by pouring the oil on Eli's head, forcing the ex-champ to wrestle the remainder of the match squinting at his opponent through narrowed, bleary eyes.

     Then, when Eli commands, "Alright, now rub it in like a good boy," Bodyslam responds, "Someone else is going to do that for me." At that moment, Jack sneaks up on Eli from behind and perfectly executes a Russian leg sweep that would have done Bret Hart proud. Eli crashes to the mat, the tide has turned, and Jack remains in control for most of the video's duration.

      I would rate this match XOXOXO -- three hugs and kisses out of a possible five. Match #336 -- the second Eli Black vs. Johnny Deep skirmish -- was perfection from the standpoint of a pure good vs. evil conflict. That video gets a full five hugs and kisses, and I don't expect anything from any federation will ever equal it. This video would have gotten four hugs and kisses -- still an amazing accomplishment -- were it not for one flaw.
     From the moment Jack stepped into camera range, it was clear that he wasn't serious about doing severe bodily harm to Eli. Whenever Eli faced Johnny Deep, you could sense the mutual animosity and acrimony as soon as the cameras started to roll. By contrast, match #379 gives us two rugged, macho straight guys roughhousing as their competitive juices flow. Although Eli's ego was definitely bruised by Jack's strong showing, his physical health remained intact.
     The very first photo at the top of this blog entry says it all. It is rare when Eli Black is placed in such a vulnerable position. The proper response, given Eli's history of merciless brutality in the fed, is to do what Johnny attempted during a few glorious moments of match #336 -- grab a metal chair (or any other weapon on hand) and pound the creature into smithereens. Just beat the monster until there's nothing left but a pile of dust on the floor. Instead, Pvt. Jack was benevolent of heart and showed unwarranted compassion.
      Of course, not everyone would agree with me about this general assessment, and Blogger Joe of Ringside at Skull Island has, unsurprisingly, a different point of view. Old Steamy Pants himself dusted the cobwebs off an old bottle of Geritol and managed to work up enough energy to compose a full, five-paragraph review of this match (which is like a five-star rating, coming from him). You can glance at all the giddy superlatives over here:

Ringside at Skull Island: Eli's Slick Hairy Private: I love the hell out of  UCW . Even its lamest fight (and there have been some lame ones) has been good for a...

     (Oh -- and look! You don't even have to read beyond the title to encounter the first lewd double entendre! What a joy!)
     As I mentioned, this is match #379, and it's currently the featured offering, available for download at the UCW website. Enjoy.