UCW Wrestling's Michael Hannigan vs. Shane Saunders: "Ringside at Skull Island" Sucks

   
     Blogger Joe already reviewed this match. Joe knew that something was happening, but he didn't know what it was.
     Well, you need evil in order to appreciate good, you need "heels" in order to appreciate "faces," and you need Ringside at Skull Island in order to appreciate Old Freddie Young's Blog. Actually, if Joe hadn't pissed me off so much by calling my all-time favorite wrestler, Johnny Deep (MBPJD), a "scumbag," then there would be no Old Freddie Young's Blog at all.
     I posted the above pic to demonstrate a custom which Joe thinks became extinct 50 years ago -- two young men shaking hands before an athletic competition. I don't know who Joe hangs out with or how his "community college disciples" greet each other, and I don't really want to consider the possibilities. My imagination would run wild and lead me down dark avenues I don't want to traverse. Just the fact that Joe described Shane and Michael as "good boys who like hurting other boys, typical boy stuff" gives me the willies.
     On top of pulling the boneheaded move of using the logo on Hannigan's t-shirt* as the title of his review (with no explanation), Joe totally missed the big story behind the release of video #393 -- namely, the fact that UCW Wrestling has monumentally upped their game by producing HQ vids. This 25 minute video is 1.5 GB, a 1440 x 1080 vid with an 8320 kbps bitrate (by contrast, the last UCW video I downloaded, #391, was 40 minutes but only 387 MB, a 768 x 432 vid with a 1987 kbps bitrate). This major improvement in video quality is huge, and I'm flabbergasted that Joe failed to mention it. I'm not overly influenced by a video's (or a photograph's) technical aspects (just give me clear images that celebrate and immortalize examples of male beauty), but many consumers are (some refused to buy old UCW videos because the blue tarp-covered walls weren't "aesthetically pleasing") and this boost in HD quality should significantly boost sales.
     However, I must say that the aspect ratio of this video is slightly skewed (as if a video shot in widescreen [16:9] mode was processed in standard [4:3] mode -- highly possible, since I think Bodyslam and Ethan are using Windows Movie Maker for editing) but that flaw is only obvious in the opening scene, for some reason. At any rate, if you've ever yearned to see Shane Saunders vertically elongated, this vid is for you! (Oh, I'm so ashamed of myself; I promised I'd leave the lewd double-entendres to Ringside.)
     Since Joe gets moist over muscles, it's no surprise that he'd prefer Shane to Michael. However, when Joe describes Shane's "fleshed out" build, he notes Shane's "well-developed legs," seemingly oblivious to the fact that Hannigan's legs are just as muscular. (Shane has it in the "sexy trunk" department, though -- can't deny that.)
     Joe says, "I can't remember seeing Michael this sure of himself ... and talkative," which indicates that the absent-minded professor must have forgotten match #337. It's true that Michael was virtually silent during his recent appearance in match #370, but that was probably due to the intimidating, overbearing, alpha male influence of Joe's buddy, Quinn Harper. (I can just picture Quinn Harper before that match: "Okay, Michael, I hate to say it, but you've got no mic skills whatsoever, so just keep your mouth shut during this match and I'll handle the commentary.")
     Okay, I think I'm finished eviscerating Blogger Joe for now, so let me get on with my impressions of this match.
     Then again, maybe not. Here's Robert Zimmerman again, back when he was young and pretty (your friend Harper would probably want to beat him up), singing your song, Joe. Enjoy.

     There. Got that off my chest. Now where were we...
     Michael Hannigan screwed himself out of the All-Star title when he embraced (wholeheartedly) UCW's "no rules" philosophy as dictated by Bodyslam (and unopposed by Ethan). Therefore, Hannigan was the last decent, virtuous champion to represent the fed, and we've had nothing but monsters ever since (not counting Jax Briggs**, who was simply "given" the title by Eli Black in an ill-conceived scheme designed to put Eli in the record book as UCW's first two-time champion). Hannigan adopting a ruthless, win-at-all-costs attitude runs contrary to who he is, both in UCW and in his personal life (a volunteer firefighter and an all-around likable product of a loving, supportive, tight-knit, blue-collar family).
     In match #393, Hannigan is a "heel," pure and simple. During the intros, Michael (who is known in UCW circles for his sense of humor -- Damien Flawless, himself a stand-up comedian, particularly enjoyed spending time with Hannigan) decides to pose and flex in mockery of Shane "the muscleboy." Shane is so amused by Michael's performance that he momentarily relaxes -- and Hannigan takes that opportunity to cheapshot him.

      Call me old fashioned, but in my day, a pro wrestling "face" would never take advantage of an opponent's injury; such behavior was the exclusive realm of "heels." In match #393, Shane competes with a bandaged right knee and Michael targets it repeatedly (often using a closed fist). As a matter of fact, the moments when Michael is most successful in getting Shane to register on-camera reactions to pain occur when Shane's knee injury is being aggravated.

     Speaking of injuries, Michael is confused about Shane's degree of UCW experience ("Is this your first match? Third? Second?"). Considering UCW's penchant for releasing videos out of order, this may well be Shane's debut. Whatever the case, Shane bears no ugly bruises on his left arm. This leads me to conclude that those black-and-blue marks were inflicted later on by Quinn Harper (in matches #386 and #388, which I haven't yet viewed due to my disgust over Harper's presence).
     Oftentimes it seems as though UCW is clueless as to how to best showcase their stars (that was one of Damien Flawless's primary complaints) and this video features an unforgivable faux pas concerning ring attire. I wouldn't give a damn if UCW had Quinn Harper wrestle in overalls, but putting hot guys like Shane Saunders and Michael Hannigan in shorts that extend to their knees is an outrage. Furthermore, Shane and Michael remain in this unflattering garb until the 14:47 mark, when Shane is stripped down to his Calvins*** (and Michael disrobes from his baggy basketball shorts out of camera range, just to be sociable).

     By the way, The Stripping of Shane Saunders (that should have been the title of this video -- good use of alliteration) occurs when Michael places Shane in bondage -- sort of. Michael is totally inept at the bondage game (he's no Nick Diesel) and Shane manages to unshackle his left wrist in seconds. Shane grins and says, "Shit, you can't even tie a knot, dude! You can't even tie!" This mild chastisement is spoken in such a charming manner, Shane's words would have melted the coldest heart -- but not Michael's, in this pro wrestling "heel" incarnation. Instead of joining Shane in self-deprecating laughter, Hannigan goes on the attack.

     It should also be mentioned that Shane struggled so valiantly to avoid this bondage scene, portions were edited out (and, given what happened to Pvt. Jack Marino in #391, that's totally understandable). It was interesting to see Michael on the other side of a bondage segment; the ab punishment that he endured at the hands of Pedro Espada in match #320 (while trapped in the very same restraints) now seems less unfair. (Note: Certain edits in this video could have been the product of time constraints, including the one I just mentioned. It seems as though UCW wanted a high resolution video of manageable size; most of their prior releases ran longer that 25 minutes.)

     All in all, this is a highly entertaining match. Shane is gorgeous and Michael is technically proficient (able to replicate a lengthy repertoire of WWE-style maneuvers to a "t"). This match gets XOXOXOXO -- four hugs and kisses out of a possible five -- a very high score (especially when you consider the fact that most offerings from other federations would receive a "1" or "2" from Old Freddie). My only gripes are the basketball shorts on the boys during the first half, and the fact that Shane is not lying prone on the mat for even a millisecond (that's when I would usually utilize stop-action playback and enjoy some moments of quiet contemplation).

Shane Saunders, with the most expressive feet in UCW.

     As mentioned (several times), this is video #393 and it's available here in high definition so stark and appealing that you'll think the boys are there in the room with you. Oh, and if you're seeking the antidote to those knee-length shorts, lucky you! If you act now (god, I sound like such a huckster), you can still download match #295 for the bargain price of $5 -- that's perennial hotboy Ethan Axel Andrews versus the sexiest wrestler who ever lived, Johnny Deep (MBPJD) in...jocks!!! Download both #393 and #295 from the same page for under $20 -- and tell them Old Freddie sent you. The best value in gay wrestling today!!!

* I actually found Shane's parrot-decorated t-shirt more interesting, because I suspect that it advertises some L.A. area club and it might provide yet another clue as to Shane's exact birthplace. (I'm still guessing Bel Air, based on Eli's comment in video #384.)
** Also not counting Hunter Day, the misguided young man who didn't hold the title long enough to thank his fans for their support. (Hunter was jumped from behind by Eli Black and strangled until he passed out during his first video blog as champion.)
*** Shane's inspiration for this fashion choice is obvious.