Blogs about underground wrestling federations and the wrestlers who compete in them, with a particular focus on Underground Championship Wrestling (aka UCW Wrestling). Featured wrestlers: Skip Vance, Jax Briggs, Ethan Axel Andrews, Eli Black, Johnny Deep, Vincent Stone, Shane Saunders, Michael Hannigan, Nick Diesel, Pedro Espada, Danny Sticks, Pvt. Jack Marino, Diego Valentino, Isaiah "Ice" Berg, Quinn Harper, Hiro, Hunter Day, Oliver Wood, Victor, and L.S. Powerhouse.
That's a photo of a hapless Isaiah "Ice" Burg on the receiving end of seemingly endless punishment during Underground Championship Wrestling (UCW) match #337, a match I've already reviewed. Originally, the blog entry bore the title, "UCW's Michael Hannigan: Not A 'Paper Champion'" and it was intended as recognition of the often under-appreciated talents of the former champ ("Ringside At Skull Island" blogger Joe immediately comes to mind -- how anyone could praise a cheap-shot artist like Eli Black and malign a skilled athlete like Hannigan is beyond me).
As for Michael's opponent, Isaiah "Ice" Burg -- he was essentially irrelevant to the story. I felt neither fondness nor animosity toward Isaiah. I politely noted the wrestling skills that he'd displayed during his earlier match against Ethan Axel Andrews. The fact that Michael Hannigan absolutely and totally dominated Isaiah during match #337 was presented as testimony to Michael's incredible skill, not to any ineptitude on Isaiah's part.
Make no mistake about it -- match #337 was one of the rarest phenomenon in pro wrestling. This was a unique example of a "face" squashing a "heel." It's not often that a brutally aggressive villain plays the role of jobber, but it happened here.
From day one, "Ice" (a nickname seemingly chosen to denote ice water in the veins, a cold-blooded nature, a cold heart -- flattery in the mind of this particular wrestler) made no pretense at sportsmanship or even common, human decency. During his initial "Inside Scoop" appearance, "Ice" saw fit to joke about killing potential UCW opponents. Ethan Axel Andrews (who was conducting the interview) made some regrettable quip about there being no rules in UCW except a prohibition on murder. "Ice" then devised a loophole -- injuring UCW competitors so badly that they died in the hospital days later.
Michael Hannigan (who, along with Ethan Axel Andrews, is one of only two "legitimate" All Star Champions in UCW history) was obviously unintimidated by "Ice's" bluster. Throughout match #337, Michael racks up pinfall after pinfall, submission after submission from "Ice," who seems to be experiencing a humiliating meltdown.
What makes this defeat of "Ice" by Hannigan so devastatingly thorough is the fact that the referee for this title match, Quinn Harper, harbored a grudge against the former champion. Harper's officiating during match #337 is blatantly, unapologetically biased against Michael. Time and time again, Harper refuses to count when "Ice's" shoulders are pinned, refuses to acknowledge "Ice's" attempts to tap out.
Hannigan literally walks all over "Ice" during match #337. "Ice" frequently resembles a doormat, and any "killer instincts" that this once-feared grappler possesses are probably turned inward by the time the bout concludes.
Out of empathy for "Ice" after viewing this emotionally crippling (for him) beatdown, I didn't really go into detail about the multitudinous indignities he suffered during match #337. Clearly, "Ice" was outclassed by a far superior technical wrestler in Michael Hannigan, but I saw no point in rubbing salt in "Ice's" wounds.
Yes, I tried to be diplomatic...until I saw the most recent "Inside Scoop" video at UCW's website. Incredibly, there is "Ice" Burg calling me out by name, cursing me, and threatening me in terms generally uttered by homicidal psychopaths. Why? Well, in my previous review of match #337, I simply mentioned that "Ice" was "able to mount virtually no offense" in that encounter.
That was all I said during my review of one of the most one-sided mismatches in the history of modern sports. A mild observation like that caused "Ice" to go ballistic? I never knew that the dear boy was so sensitive.
In direct response to "Ice's" videotaped tirade, let me say the following. In no way will you EVER prevent me from exercising my first amendment rights, at this or any other forum. Your challenge to fight me in a UCW match is ludicrous (Google it -- it's not a misspelled reference to the rapper). You probably are impressed by rhyming rhetoric so...I'm a writer, not a fighter. A fitting analogy would be me challenging you to create your own blog and gain a larger audience than mine. (It's actually unlikely that you could even remember your intended topic throughout the course of composing a single paragraph. As the blurb at the end of your pathetic display of mic skills suggested, you wrestled former UCW Champion Michael Hannigan -- not current UCW Champion Eli Black. Poor thing, I know it gets confusing.)
Moving right along...on a strangely related note, UCW wrestler Pedro Espada visited me at my Connecticut home yesterday. Despite audio problems, I managed to salvage this fascinating footage during which Pedro discusses his membership in "the gut punching community" and tells us how this proclivity has played into his matches against Michael Hannigan and Ethan Axel Andrews. Pedro mentions experiences during his middle school and high school years in East Hartford, CT during which his ability to take a punch was constantly being tested (East Hartford is a different world from many other parts of the state). Pedro acknowledges that he never had clearly defined abs "like Private Jack Marino or Hiro" (sorry, Eli). During his early adolescence, Pedro didn't really have a name for his gut-punching fetish, but he always considered the abs to be "the most attractive body part on a man." Pedro's friends were always trying to catch him off-guard with a gut punch, but he literally can count the number of times they were successful. Pedro has successfully withstood gut punching from a pro boxer and a two-on-one confrontation. Part of the appeal for Pedro is the challenge, but there's an added dimension that he can't explain. Here -- listen for yourself (and once again, sorry about the audio quality).
I really wanted to have FAITH (remind me to discuss Pedro's shoulder tat at a later date) that Pedro was one of the good guys in UCW. However, after our taped interview concluded and we were chatting informally, Pedro admitted that he is being groomed as one of the federation's "heels." Pedro also mentioned that UCW founder Michael "Bodyslam" had been aware of our scheduled meeting -- a complete surprise to me, since Bodyslam had been playing coy about this matter during Facebook messages we'd exchanged. Bodyslam is, of course, mainly responsible for the anarchic, no-rules approach in UCW. Now he most certainly knows my home address via online interaction with Pedro. On top of all that, Bodyslam posted a sinister reminder to me via Facebook just this morning: "Pedro isn't that nice in the ring. He did tie up UCW Michael Hannigan and take some cheap shots at him." Yes, that's true...
However, what really troubles me is the fact that Pedro unexpectedly brought up "Ice's" name -- he said that they were part of a UCW alliance and a friendship in real life. I didn't think much of it at the time. Then, a few hours later, that threatening "Inside Scoop" was posted.
Ah, well...it's my problem. I won't trouble you with it. I know you come here for discussions about UCW wrestling, and I intend to keep right on blogging.
Oh, by the way, the "Ice" vs. Hannigan match (#337) is available for purchase at the UCW website. Buy it and have fun counting the number of minutes (maybe seconds) that "Ice" is displaying any offensive skills whatsoever.
Michael Bodyslam, tear down this wall...
...or at least pad it.
In the new UCW Wrestling offering (match #354), Johnny gets hurt, for real. Using his feet, Eli Black sends Johnny hurtling head-first toward the cinder block wall surrounding the slippery, oil-coated mat.
There's an immediate edit in the videotape at that point. We don't know what happens during the break in filming. The next scene we see is Johnny holding his head and whispering, "Ow...ow..."
"Hey, you need a count-back from five?" Eli asks.
Johnny rolls around on the mat in agony and murmurs, "Oh, God!"
"I call that the Pinball Machine move," Eli explains. "You got jolted."
The show must go on, and Johnny gamely goes through the motions, showing very little aggression during this stage of the bout. Regardless of what the action is, regardless of what maneuvers are being displayed, Johnny frequently holds his head, at times checking his fingertips for traces of blood. For the remainder of the match, you can see the oily spot on the wall where Johnny's skull made contact.
Eli wraps his hands around Johnny's throat and plays sadistic games, preventing Johnny from breathing for extended periods, letting go, then resuming the strangulation. It's all very reminiscent of how Eli stole won the UCW All Star championship belt from Hunter Day. Johnny is reduced to kicking his feet and gasping.
In a fit of pique over Johnny's status as a UCW hero, the villainous Black says, "I thought you were supposed to be some nice 'face.' Well, how about if I put that face in some oil? Huh? Yeah. I'll push you around, clean the mat with your head." With his foot on Johnny's neck, Eli literally mops the canvas with the kid's cracked cranium.
Then Eli reaches a new low. "What's this?" Eli asks, examining the scalp under Johnny's newly cropped hair. "Oh, look at that! Hold on. Camera, zoom back in. As you can see, the wound that I inflicted on him when I kicked him into the wall over there -- see that? Yeah! That's real and I did it!"
Okay. Enough. I don't think I even have to continue. When Ethan Axel Andrews visited me last December, he told me that if a wrestler has a grudge against another wrestler and sets out to deliberately injure him during a match, UCW wants no part of it. This was presented to me as an articulation of company policy.
Speaking of Ethan, he himself suffered the only injury of his long underground wrestling career during a UCW match -- chipping a tooth after being hurled into that same cinder block wall. Was it really wise to promote a match between two Taurus guys (that in itself should probably be prohibited) on a mat surrounded by cinder blocks and coated with a thick oil slick? These two bulls (a Philadelphia slang term, ironically) were charging each other, locking horns like true Taurans, on a surface that was as slippery as ice.
As for Eli -- do you really want this thug representing your business? I don't care how many videos he sells to morons who care more about abs than character -- Eli's presence in UCW will prove detrimental to your bottom line in the long term.
After Johnny's injury, Eli predicted on camera, "By the time I'm done with you, you're going to want to be done wrestling in UCW." Perhaps not coincidentally, Johnny has since announced (abruptly and unexpectedly) an indefinite hiatus from UCW's mat wars. (The current video #355, featuring Johnny with his longer hairstyle and no shoulder tats, was obviously shot out of sequence. It was probably filmed right after match #345, which served as a set-up for the Eli Black / Hunter Day tag team.)
UCW founder Michael Bodyslam once told me that Johnny had the potential to become "the next Axel." Was it really wise to sacrifice Johnny and keep Eli?
This bout was supposed to be a Johnny Deep vs. Oliver Wood contest, but Eli "persuaded" Oliver to forfeit the match. When Eli walks in as the surprise substitute, a startled Johnny expresses dismay that the churlish champion would consent to perform in an oil match.
"I'm not done picking on you," Eli explains.
While oiling himself, Eli feigns narcissism. I say "feigns" because Eli clearly has no conception of what constitutes male beauty (unlike Ethan Axel Andrews, a true narcissist). As proof of this, one need only glance at an old photo of Eli from his BG Wrestling days. Yes, this formerly cute guy has now willingly transformed himself into a tatted up circus freak. (Of course Johnny is the current cute guy of UCW -- he even proclaimed himself to be "still pretty" during his only "Inside Scoop" monologue -- and that explains a lot of the animosity between these two rivals.)
After bragging and boasting for several minutes to camouflage his near pathological insecurities (remember, this is the person who felt the need to brand "Cool, Calm, Confident, and Collected" on his ribcage), Eli offers the oil bottle to Johnny. Johnny reaches for it, but Eli lets it drop. Johnny just nods his head, as if this is the type of behavior he's come to expect from Eli, and picks the bottle up from the mat. Johnny's easygoing personality and good humored nature are in ample evidence during all of the pre-match banter.
Then Eli (of all people) begins to mock Johnny's new tattoos. I'm not fond of handsome guys getting ink (you'll notice that Ethan Axel Andrews has never done it) but Johnny's tats are fairly tasteful -- a bluebird on each shoulder, representing good luck. Johnny seems to have an appreciation for art which only befuddles and antagonizes Eli. Eli pops off with a highly detailed, disgustingly vulgar analogy concerning Johnny's new ink. Wide eyed and grinning, Johnny repeats every word of Eli's gutter humor in a boyishly incredulous tone.
When Johnny agrees to oil Eli's back, I become antsy. Johnny seems accustomed to the locker room camaraderie among his teammates during lacrosse season, and he's now out of his element. Sure enough, Eli delivers a backward mule kick that leaves Johnny on the mat clutching his groin, and the match begins.
What follows is a mix of eroticism and roughhouse which took me several viewings to appreciate, since I initially was so outraged by Johnny's injury. All in all, aside from Johnny's head injury, this match isn't as emotionally devastating as the last match between these two (#336 -- which Joe, the "heel aficionado" blogger for "Ringside at Skull Island" gleefully called, "thirty minutes of Eli feeding Johnny, slightly more muscular now, to the flies"). Well into this match -- even after the twenty minute mark -- Johnny continues to display his aggressive side, inflicting hugely satisfying revenge on his tormentor.
This, by the way, isn't the fourth UCW match between these wrestlers (it's only the third). You can read this inaccuracy -- and other prime examples of muddled thinking -- in Joe's "Ringside at Skull Island" review of this bout over here:
Ringside at Skull Island: Slicked Up: I really didn't need the encouragement, but it was my friend Joseph on Facebook (same name as mine but he&#...
Move aside, Brangelina. Sports entertainment now has a relationship that can rival anything you've ever displayed. Make way for Jaxel.
You can pretty much gauge the chemistry between two wrestlers by how they interact during a videotaping. For example, My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) never seemed to form any strong alliances in UCW (with the exception of C.J. Devastation during one taping), and that just increased my feelings of protectiveness and affection for the young grappler. MBPJD was a highly competitive, combative Taurus and his conflict-prone personality (along with, of course, his ethereal physical attractiveness -- and the presence of his girlfriend on the set) seemed to inspire mainly envy among his underground wrestling peers. (By the way, the reaction of many UCW fans toward Johnny seems very similar -- a mix of lust, jealousy, and sadism. To this day, I see comments concerning Johnny posted on UCW related Facebook accounts that make me cringe and send chills down my spine. No wonder MBPJD was shy about receiving public "attention.")
In sharp contrast to Johnny's tenure at UCW, newcomer Jax Briggs received a genuinely warm welcome to the federation, via this match against Ethan Axel Andrews (the company's top wrestler and 50% owner). From the opening scene of this video (#353 available here), when a charmingly obnoxious Jax interrupts Ethan's calisthenics to propose an arm wrestling contest, there's an obvious warmth and sense of camaraderie between the two supposed adversaries.
Indeed, this whole videotaped wrestling session has a big brother / little brother feel to it. 28-year-old Ethan has traditionally been in charge of "hazing" UCW rookies, putting them through the paces and subjecting them to a plethora of painful wrestling holds, testing their endurance and dedication. When Ethan did this to MBPJD (in three introductory matches -- #'s 269, 277, and 295 -- a virtual trifecta of torment, in addition to the impromptu bullying of Johnny in "lost video" #316), Ethan morphed into Axel and treated MBPJD in a totally ruthless manner. However here in #353, Ethan remains Ethan (except for two momentary exceptions which we'll discuss later) and engages Jax in a display of athleticism, not a beatdown.
That's not to say that Ethan displays any leniency with Jax. As a matter of fact, if UCW had rules, this match would have ended at the ten minute mark. At that point, Ethan had Jax in an excruciating armbar and Jax uttered, "Alright! I'll do it with that one. I'll submit on that." A disappointed Ethan asked, "Really?" and Jax answered, "Yeah." Unyielding, Ethan responded, "Come on. You can't think of any way to get out of here?" Jax just continued to groan and gasp in agony. "Come on," Ethan repeated, and then rolled forward, seemingly propelled by Jax's arm strength. "There you go!" Ethan exclaimed, and the match continued.
Despite the sincere friendship evident during the videotaping, this match is actually as brutal (from a standpoint of pure physical pain) as anything you'll be likely to see in sports entertainment. In order to appreciate what is actually happening during this match, you really have to view it in slow motion. Ethan's pro trainer rhetoric ("What did I teach you? How do you reverse this? This isn't high school. You just can't wait. You don't want to be a jobber like Oliver Wood, do you?") successfully camouflages the cruelty to which Jax is subjected.
The Boston Crabs and leglocks in particular must be studied in slow motion silence to be appreciated. You can see Jax's hands touching Ethan to communicate the degree of pain he's experiencing. You'll notice Ethan rise up a bit to alleviate some of the agony for a few seconds, and then force Jax to experience the full blown torment once again. The facial expressions and the body language tell the true story.
(By the way, the most horrendous torture that Jax endures in this match comes via a single leg leglock, during which Axel attempts to make the rookie's toes touch the back of his head. The circulation is totally cut off to that leg and it becomes cadaver-like white, like a disembodied limb.)
However, the leglocks and armbars aren't the extent of Ethan's repertoire, and the fed's head honcho uses every weapon in his arsenal to dominate young Jax. There are bear hugs...
...backbreakers administered in a variety of styles...
...in addition to rapid snap suplexes (more back pain for the aspiring UCW star) and a multitude of gut punches -- all of which leave poor Jax thoroughly exhausted.
Yet, because the UCW bosses seem to have a fondness for Jax, Ethan does give the young man ample opportunity to demonstrate his aggressive side. In all honesty, some of these maneuvers are somewhat awkwardly applied and do not stand up well during slow motion studies (even though Ethan is "selling" for all he's worth).
However, after being roughed up severely, Jax seems to lose his temper during the application of a headlock. Jax (who had already been chastised for releasing holds without asking for submissions) asks Ethan if he wants to give up. Ethan can't even respond because the hold is cinched in so tightly and his neck is being bent backward to such an extreme degree.
That's really the only display of meanness that we see from Jax during this bout. Other than that, Jax seems like a humble young man, willing to roll with the punches and pay his dues for a chance to make his mark in the pro wrestling world. The persona that Jax presents in this tape is quite a contrast to the image he projected during his recent "Inside Scoop" appearance. That interview demonstrates Jax's mic skills and acting ability, but is no indicator of the sports entertainer's true personality (take it from a blogger who was recently called "sir" by this young gentleman during a Facebook conversation).
Ethan, on the other hand, sinks down to the depth of his thin-skinned, narcissistic, alter-ego Axel on two occasions. Both acts of revenge are in response to low blows by Jax (one of which seemed totally accidental -- a rookie mistake, if you will). In the first instance (reacting to the apparent mistake), Axel not only grabs Jax in that highly sensitive area of his anatomy, but also delivers several punishing slaps before letting go. In the second instance, after beating up Jax thoroughly with a barrage of gut punches, Axel remembers how his adversary had turned the tide of the match earlier via a deliberate low blow. This recollection prompts a knee in the groin from Axel and the comment, "Now we're even," before continuing to work Jax over with more above-the-belt fisticuffs.
At the end of this match, after having proven himself to be UCW material, Jax clearly bears no grudges toward his erstwhile tormentor. Born under Aries, the sign of eternal optimists, Jax is probably already dreaming of mat stardom as he shakes Ethan's hand.
"There's hope for you yet," Ethan observes somewhat haughtily.
"That's because I've got you teaching me," Jax replies.
Jax's generosity seems to momentarily fluster and embarrass Ethan.
"Yeah, you better thank me," Ethan mumbles.
"Let's go get a beer, man," Jax suggests.
"Yep. First let's hit the showers," Ethan responds.
...and so this S&M bromance comes to an end (or moves off-camera, as the case may be).
My frenemy Joe, blogger for "Ringside At Skull Island," already reviewed this match and you can see it here: Ringside at Skull Island: Jax: An arm-wrestling challenge is no way to draw me in to a wrestling match. It's sedentary, the drama is minuscul...
Once again, this match is #353 -- here's the link to UCW's "Latest Video" page, on which this particular video is currently listed: http://www.ucw-wrestling.com/videolatest.html.
(On a personal note, UCW founder "Bodyslam" Michael underwent open heart surgery today -- and according to Ethan Axel Andrew's Facebook page, he's doing fine. Wishing you nothing but the best, Michael -- with respect and in gratitude for the wonderful gift you've given all of us.)
Concerning this blog entry's title...it just seemed natural to use that quote from Thomas Paine, written during the bleakest period of the American Revolution, to describe the current state of affairs in Underground Championship Wrestling (UCW). Cases in point (in chronological order):
1. My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (who shall henceforth and forever be known in this blog as MBPJD) inexplicably and abruptly declared himself to be on hiatus from UCW for an indefinite period of time. This development sent me on a downward spiral emotionally and nearly led to a termination of this blog, since I suspected that the attention Johnny received from myself (and a huge number of other UCW fans) may have caused the callow youth to withdraw from the spotlight. MBPJD's endearingly shy qualities were on vivid display in his "Inside Scoop" UCW video update and I probably should have attempted to tone down the enormous affection that I felt for this particular UCW grappler (at least when I was composing public entries for this well publicized blog).
2. The monster Eli Black -- the flesh-and-blood incarnation of the vile, ruthlessly brutal, dark side of human nature -- now represents UCW as the federation's All Star Champion. No, Eli didn't defeat Michael Hannigan (or Ethan Axel Andrews, or any other top level athlete in the UCW ranks). The deck has been stacked against the legitimate athletes (and in favor of the street brawlers) over at UCW for quite some time, thanks to "Bodyslam" Michael's Machiavellian no-rules, sell-videos-at-all-costs philosophy. This misguided sense of priorities led to enforcement of a 24/7 title defense rule for the championship belt. To make a long story short, the true UCW Champion Michael Hannigan was defeated for the title thanks to a noose (yes, a noose) fashioned and utilized by a bondage obsessed sadist named Nick Diesel (a far too lackadaisical Ethan Axel Andrews, who refereed the match, finally put himself through the annoyance of checking Michael's breathing at the grueling bout's conclusion). Diesel achieved only a Pyrrhic victory, however, because an opportunistic street-urchin-turned-wrestler named Hunter Day materialized out of nowhere and took the title from the exhausted bondage master a few seconds later. Still, this was not the end of the championship chaos. During Hunter's first interview as champion, our friend Eli Black attacked the rookie from behind, strangled the kid (hands around the throat -- not even the pretense of a sleeper hold) until the young man passed out, then demanded that Ethan Axel Andrews (who had been watching videos in an adjoining room) don a referee's shirt, count Hunter's shoulders down, and declare a new title holder.
3. Bereft of the championship, Michael Hannigan disappeared from UCW's social networking platforms for several weeks. I worried, and "Bodyslam" Michael labeled me a worrywart. However, I realized that my fears were justified when Michael Hannigan finally returned to Facebook to inform his friends and fans that his father had been taken ill and was in need of a kidney transplant. Furthermore, Michael was scheduled to take some medical tests to determine if he would be a match as a kidney donor. Were Michael to volunteer for the procedure, he himself would be subject to medical risks. Michael admitted to being stressed out during this period of his young life. I've been waiting for more updates, but thus far Michael's only public statement has been "UCW fans are awesome." I continue to worry.
4. Despite my philosophical differences with "Bodyslam" Michael concerning UCW's anarchic approach to pro wrestling, I feel a great deal of respect and friendship for the man. After all, it was Bodyslam's desire to prevent injuries among untrained backyard wrestlers that led to the eventual formation of Underground Championship Wrestling. Therefore I was totally taken aback when, just yesterday, I learned via Bodyslam's Facebook that he was scheduled for open heart surgery. Michael is promising to keep us all updated, and is (quite deservedly) building a huge online support network comprised largely of appreciative UCW fans.
Seriously folks, could things get any worse? Even the health of Winston, one of the two loyal UCW dogs (along with Silas) in the Bodyslam-Axel household, has been called into question.
It may be egotistical for me to believe, given all of the trials and tribulations that the two Michael's (Hannigan and Bodyslam) are facing, that either of them really cares whether or not I'm blogging. However, when Johnny announced his departure from UCW and I told Bodyslam via instant messenger that I was considering quitting this blog, I remember his reaction.
"I don't want that," Bodyslam told me. "I like you writing about us...okay, sorry, just thought you should know...Hannigan will miss you and so will I..okay...talk to you later I hope..."
Now you see, ladies and gentlemen, this is what makes UCW so special. We not only enjoy the wrestling as entertainment, but we also get to know and care about the wrestlers (and owners) as people. Maybe another blog entry would help Michael Hannigan and Michael Bodyslam know how much I appreciate them as a wrestler and as a federation founder, respectively.
In that spirit, here we go again...
When you start off a video with a close-up shot of a wrestler's feet, you know you're in for a kink-fest catering to every niche fetish in the gay community.
Those are Pedro's feet (Michael's feet, to the best of my recollection, have never been featured in a UCW medium close-up). In addition to this opening sop to male foot fetishists, we also have male/male spanking action (fulfilling my Michael-Hannigan-as-fraternity-pledge fantasy)...
There are plenty of good, old fashioned, pro wrestling asphyxiation scenes...
Bondage in leather restraints...
Lots of absolutely merciless abs punishment (both in and out of bondage). In real life, Pedro is a gut punch aficionado (I know; he's a Facebook friend of mine). As a matter of fact, before this scene, Pedro looked into the camera and said, "This is for all of you gut punching fans." Then he did this to poor Michael...
There's even nipple twisting aka tit torture. (Originally, Pedro inflicted this punishment on Michael for daring to protect his abs during a gut punching scene. Later, Michael exacted some payback...)
In short, there's everything here except nylon windbreakers (inside joke).
Generally, I don't enjoy face vs. face matches (I'm still trying to recover from the disorienting effects of seeing Ethan Axel Andrews doing bodily harm to Johnny Deep). However, there is no real acrimony in this match. The central conflict in this video simply centers upon Michael's cocky Caucasian persona and Pedro's Hispanic pride. The video opens with Michael deliberately mispronouncing Pedro's surname ("uh-spot-uh") and making tasteless puns -- e.g., "you've got uh-spot-uh here..." (pointing at Pedro's briefs) "...and uh-spot-uh here..." (pointing at Pedro's youthful complexion).
As a result of this initial mockery, Pedro slaps Michael's hand away when he attempts a rather condescending, noblesse oblige style handshake (as shown in this blog entry's very top photo). Michael reacts by commenting, "Disrespect? Alright..." -- demonstrating that he is oblivious to his own rudeness. Throughout this match, especially during the bondage and abs punishment scenes, Pedro tries to force Michael to pronounce his surname correctly. However Michael (like MBPJD) is a Taurus and he stubbornly refuses; instead Michael delivers a series of smart aleck quips that spur Pedro to inflict even more torment upon him. At one point (during the choke-out scene pictured above), Michael brashly pushes his luck by looking into the camera, addressing the viewing audience, and commenting, "Uh-spot-uh -- now that's a stupid name."
Lest we get carried away by all this, let me now reiterate that Pedro and I are Facebook friends. We both not only reside in Connecticut, but also reside in the same east/central portion of the state. (I would link to Pedro's Facebook, but it's his personal account; still, he uses it to interact with UCW accounts constantly, and most UCW fans already know him). Knowing the real Pedro, I know that he has as much gay pride as he has Hispanic pride. I also know his true feelings concerning Michael Hannigan...
This photo from Pedro's Facebook shows him posing with Michael after the match. (We know it's a post match pic because of the reddened area around Michael's midsection.) Pedro's caption reads, "Me and Michael loads a fun and a great guy to work with!" (By the way, there's a smiley face emoticon after "fun" that can't be reproduced.) In summation, this match is more like hot play between male friends than a grudge fight. I won't give you any clues whatsoever as to who eventually comes out on top. (Somewhere "Bodyslam" Michael is smiling.) Of course, there is plenty of pain (this is, after all, UCW) but the vibe is totally different from that brutal domination video which prompted me to start this blog (and we won't discuss that atrocity any further). This match is filled with consensual S&M. After inflicting significant punishment on his opponent, each wrestler asks for a submission. If a submission is denied (and it is, time and time again), the hold is broken and a new maneuver is attempted. Thankfully, this video will leave you aroused but not traumatized. This video is #320 and finding it at the UCW site is kind of tricky. From the home page, click the tab that says "VIDEOS." That will take you to a page called "videolatest.html" which features matches #331 to #350. Now, here's where it gets tricky. This page contains two "MORE VIDEOS" links, one at the top of the page and one at the bottom of the page. If you click the TOP link, you're fine. The TOP link takes you to a page called "combatsecond.html" featuring videos #308 to #330 (which includes this video, plus Pedro's match against Ethan Axel Andrews -- #314). However, if you click on the BOTTOM link, you get sent to a page called "combat2.html" -- that page features only videos #300 to #306, and you'll be lost and confused forever. (Yes, it happened to me for quite some time.) Who designed this site anyway? Quinn Harper? At any rate Blogger Joe from Ringside at Skull Island reviewed this match, and you can read it here: Ringside at Skull Island: Vote for Pedro: Here are some screen shots of UCW 's latest release [#320]: Pedro Espada versus Michael Hannigan. It's basically a...
Funny how so many readers misunderstood the pop culture reference, "Vote For Pedro." (Google it.)
That's about it, folks. Of course, Michael Hannigan is now facing adversity in his personal life far greater than any UCW opponent. We're still in your corner, champ. Stay strong. We love you.
I'll be alone each and every night While you're away, don't forget to write Bye-bye, so long, farewell Bye-bye, so long See you in September See you when the summer's through Here we are (bye, baby, goodbye) Saying goodbye at the station (bye, baby, goodbye) Summer vacation (bye, baby bye, baby) Is taking you away (bye, baby, goodbye) Have a good time but remember There is danger in the summer moon above Will I see you in September Or lose you to a summer love (counting the days 'til I'll be with you) (counting the hours and the minutes, too) Bye, baby, goodbye Bye, baby, goodbye Bye, baby, goodbye (bye-bye, so long, farewell) Bye, baby, goodbye (bye-bye, so long) Have a good time but remember There is danger in the summer moon above Will I see you in September Or lose you to a summer love (I'll be alone each and every night) (While you're away, don't forget to write) See you (bye-bye, so long, farewell) In September (bye-bye, so long, farewell) I'm hopin' I'll See you (bye-bye, so long, farewell) In September (bye-bye, so long, farewell) Well, maybe I'll See you (bye-bye, so long, farewell) In September (bye-bye, so long, farewell)
Today typifies the concept of a "bittersweet moment." It is the birthday of UCW wrestler Johnny Deep, the rising star who revitalized that federation and many of our lives. (Johnny's most recent appearance, an oil match against Asian star Hiro, created a fan response which UCW founder "Bodyslam" Michael called, "Kinda crazy.") Still in all, we UCW fans were greeted with this melancholy news via a post on Bodyslam's Facebook account last night, on the eve of the celebratory event:
Now, while the prospects of Damien Shamrock and Michael Hannigan becoming a UCW tag team are enticing (I can envision it now -- clad in Kelly green, the Flawless Shamrocks take on the aptly named Black-Day contingent), nothing can compensate for the profound sense of loss we'll experience during a Johnny Deep summertime hiatus.
We must ask ourselves, "Will Johnny really return to UCW in the fall?" If so, will he be the same charismatic Johnny?
To be sure, the magic that Johnny possesses is ephemeral. Most grapplers lose their boyish charm in a relatively short period of time (ahem, Eli). The lone exception to this rule seems to be Ethan Axel Andrews, whose longevity as a wholesome, boy-next-door persona is miraculously rare and even slightly eerie. (I strongly suspect that Ethan owns a self-portrait, stored in a closet, which is aging hideously.)
Chatting with Ethan, one receives the impression that the UCW co-owner always yearned for celebrity status, even as a small-town youth in Wisconsin. Ethan always viewed himself as a celebrity, carried himself like a celebrity, and has now achieved a huge cult following in the underground wrestling scene as a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Ethan's disarming politeness and soft-spoken manner belie a vanity bordering on narcissism, which is also a key to his success. Ethan's egocentric nature prompts him to constantly reinvent himself, and this captures our imagination (stay tuned for his next incarnation, as a hipster blogger).
On the other hand, Johnny seems to be a reluctant celebrity, at best. We learned from Joe over at "Ringside at Skull Island" that Johnny has a girlfriend. The compartmentalized life that young Johnny leads must be complex, even if his girlfriend is so cool with him grappling for a gay male audience that she suggests new concepts like oil matches. (As a side note, I'd like to mention that I'm continuing to pray for Johnny concerning this entire matter.)
Furthermore, Johnny's notices in UCW reviews haven't all been laudatory. Skull Island Joe actually once called Johnny a "scumbag" -- a characterization that made us bristle and eventually led to the creation of this blog.
In all fairness, though, it would be wrong to surmise that Joe's acerbic rhetoric led to Johnny's decision to take a temporary retreat from the mat wars. As a matter of fact, Johnny directly addressed the issue in a piece of correspondence with us: "I don't think Joe doesn't like me as much as I think he sees me as a bad ass and not the good guy I claim to be. Ha Ha I am a good guy but with an inner bad ass."
Well Johnny, seeing as you're born under the sign of Taurus, you'll have no difficulty convincing us of your "inner bad ass" qualities. Speaking of which, we hope Johnny is having a total blast on this, his birthday. We badgered Johnny with questions about a birthday gift wish-list until he finally broke down and requested a "Stay Calm and Play Lacrosse" t-shirt. (On a personal note, it was a genuine thrill to realize that the real-life Johnny was exactly the sort of young man I'd imagined him to be, lacrosse having recently replaced soccer as the sport of choice among well-bred hunks.)
Since I've been fair with that old curmudgeon Joe, I suppose I can afford to be fair with myself as well. When I first learned of Johnny's temporary departure from UCW, I wondered if I could have been partly to blame. After all, it was possible that the young man could have become unnerved by all the fawning attention he received in this blog. Then I reviewed our correspondence, noticed the several occasions on which Johnny thanked me for my posts, and my spirits soared.
With Johnny on an extended summer vacation from UCW, the future of this blog remains in limbo. I write when I'm inspired and Johnny was my primary source of inspiration. (All of Johnny's matches are worth purchasing, but #336, in which he portrays a beautiful kid beaten beyond unconsciousness by a sadistic bully named Eli Black, is a must-see that can be purchased here: UCW Wrestling.)
Besides that, I'm not sure if I'll have time to post any more blog entries. I plan to be busy, attending a broad range of college lacrosse events throughout the greater Philadelphia area...
This is a "rematch" for the UCW Championship belt. The first "match," in which the odious Eli Black finally "won" the UCW Championship from Hunter Day, happened like this: Hunter's Inside Scoop.
Let's recap what we just watched. As if there wasn't enough chaos and anarchy in UCW already, the championship belt currently must be defended on a 24/7 basis -- in other words, if you want to be UCW Champion, now all you have to do is jump the champ with five of your friends in a parking lot (or just shoot the guy), put a referee shirt on someone, and pin the titleholder's shoulders for a three-count.
If you clicked on that link, you saw unlikely champion and perennial underdog Hunter Day attacked from behind by Eli Black, who was never able to win the belt when there was some semblance of order and structure in UCW. Knowing the cameras are rolling and acting on his con boss instincts, Eli says "Go to sleep, go to sleep" to Hunter as he applies what he would have us believe is a sleeper hold. Anyone with common sense (if there are any such individuals left in UCW) would realize that Black was not cutting off blood flow to the carotid arteries on either side of Hunter's neck; instead, Eli was cutting off Hunter's air supply by simply strangling him. As Hunter chokes and gasps, the unfortunate young man manages to sputter, "Get him off me, ref!" in an audible tone. However, Ethan Axel Andrews (top UCW wrestler and 50% owner of the fed) either doesn't hear or doesn't care to respond, since he's busy with his computer in the next room (and if he was watching a live feed of the attack, may God have mercy on his soul). Eventually, we hear a horrid gurgling sound coming from Hunter (almost like a death rattle) and the kid finally "goes to sleep." At that point, the maniacal Black begins jumping for joy like a kid on Christmas morning, yelling for Axel to put on his referee shirt and award him a pinfall victory. Axel lackadaisically saunters in from the adjoining room and reluctantly acquiesces.
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen -- one of the greatest moments in the history of athletic competition. Eli Black now represents UCW. Somehow, that seems fitting.
By the way, it's nice to see that the head honchos at UCW listen to me on shallow fashion points, at least. After raving about how well Johnny Deep wore that sexy, sleeveless, open front, referee's shirt in match #336, they dug it out of mothballs and gave it to Axel to wear in the video we just discussed. Oh, and the last real UCW Champion we had, Michael Hannigan, wore it well, too...
...and speaking of Michael Hannigan, I'm worried sick about the handsome Irish hunk. After Michael was left unconscious (and nearly left for dead) following his brutal match (#342) with "bondage master" Nick Diesel (I swear, where does UCW find them?), the former champ just disappeared. Michael did post one message on his Facebook (Michael's Facebook) promising a video for his fans within a day or two -- but that was over a week ago, and we've heard nothing since.
Michael had a long title reign before UCW sank to its current level -- back in the days when UCW athletes had a fighting chance against the thugs and crazies. I've been so worried about Michael H., and so disgusted with the present course of UCW, that I made the following video message to UCW founder "Bodyslam" Michael (it was edited down from its original length because Johnny Deep told me the last one was too long -- and I always do whatever Johnny tells me to do because I love him more than life itself):
Knowing what a monster Eli Black is, I expected the rematch with Hunter Day (UCW's latest offering, video #345) to feature carnage on a par with Black's slaughter of my beautiful, precious Johnny Deep (the aforementioned, infamous video #336). Instead, I got a love-fest.
"Bodyslam" Michael himself served as referee of this match, and he immediately set the tone by telling Black, "I love you, man" (in those exact words). At one point, there was even this exchange:
ELI (to BODYSLAM): "I'm going to give you a chance to make the audience jealous. I'm going to give you one complimentary Eli Black ab rub."
BODYSLAM (to Eli, looking into the camera): "This one's for you guys."
...and then the UCW founder, serving as referee for this match, actually stroked the underbelly of the beast. The top photo on this blog captures this moment, which may represent the end of civilization as we know it.
You're probably thinking, "Well, what about Hunter Day? Eli Black nearly murdered that kid, and then took away his coveted UCW Championship belt. There can't be any love lost between those two!"
Well, guess again, ladies and gents. This blog is entitled "Kindred Spirits" for a reason. First off, Hunter is the most inaptly named wrestler in the sport. The name "Hunter" has a distinctly refined tone -- in the realm of wrestling personae, Hunter Hearst Helmsley aka Triple H, the elitist heel from Greenwich, Connecticut, immediately springs to mind.
By contrast, Hunter Day is anything but refined. Day is something of a street urchin, a scrapper from the wrong side of the tracks -- a hoodlum you can't help pitying because he's so low on the predatory food chain (the maliciously perceptive Eli Black deliberately referred to Hunter as "Hunted" during this match). When Day was being introduced to the UCW audience via a previous "Inside Scoop" video blog, Bodyslam joked (?) that Hunter was a member of a local Philadelphia gang.
Therefore, we can forget all about that choked-into-unconsciousness thing, the messy title change, etc. Hunter and Eli are two peas in a pod, thick as thieves at the end of the day. As a matter of fact, right after the bell rings, Hunter's first words to Eli are: "I'm going to tell you -- I don't like many people around here, but you're a funny dude." Well, isn't that special...and what follows is thirty minutes of roughhouse and buffoonery by a pair of macho knuckleheads (e.g., they spend a lot of time trading gut punches and compliments).
As I've spent a great deal of time during this blog talking about the quality of UCW refereeing (and frequently the total absence of it -- just put two guys who hate each other on the same mat and let them do whatever to each other), I may as well mention Bodyslam's refereeing of this match. Bodyslam calls himself, "totally fair and impartial" -- and he is. That doesn't mean that Bodyslam is anything even approaching competent as a referee.
You see, Bodyslam comes from the same "gregarious sadist" school of wrestling promotion as BG East's Kid Leopard. Bodyslam doesn't care whether Day or Black win this match -- he just wants to see people hurt (and Bodyslam loves gut punishment -- I'm his Facebook friend so I know). In other words, whatever gene sparks compassion is missing in guys like Bodyslam (and, I strongly suspect, in guys like Blogger Joe over at "Ringside At Skull Island").
As a matter of fact, when Hunter Day seems most seriously hurt during this match, it's due to "referee" Bodyslam's influence. At one point, Eli pulverizes Hunter with a splash...
...which elicits applause from a delighted Bodyslam.
"Beautiful splash. Can you do another one?" Bodyslam inquires.
"You sure you want to see another one?" Eli questions skeptically as Hunter writhes in pain on the mat.
"That was a nice one," Bodyslam reaffirms.
"How about you put your knee right here and give me a little height?" Eli suggests to Bodyslam -- which brings us to this scene:
Hunter actually howled after that one.
Now try telling me that UCW doesn't need at least a few rules and some real referees.
(This, and all other matches mentioned in this blog, are available at UCW Wrestling.)
