UCW Wrestling's Shane Saunders vs. Eli Black: Cali Prep vs. Philly Thug

I Wish They All Could Be California Boys...

     Michael Bodyslam knew I was going to fall for Shane Saunders. I resisted it as long as I could (because I never like to do what's expected of me) but...damn...

     Bodyslam was somewhat perturbed by my last review. Despite the fact that I'm older than Bodyslam, my online interaction with the UCW founder often feels like a father-son relationship; this must be due to the Leo (authoritarian) / Cancer (rebellious eternal adolescent) dynamic. At any rate, following my pan of UCW's latest offering (match #387), Bodyslam posted on Facebook: "I was sorry to see you writing about the end of UCW, it has mine and Axel's blood poured into it. So the sort of talk was a little too much for both of us, sorry. Write about Shane and redeem yourself, Freddie Young." 

     And I thought I was beyond redemption...

     Alright, Bodyslam, I'd be glad to write about Shane Saunders. You see, I love UCW. That's why I criticize UCW so harshly when I see it heading in the wrong direction.
     This is a review of match #384 -- Shane Saunders' first UCW appearance. However, I actually pay attention to the dialogue in these matches. From a verbal exchange between Shane and Eli, I learned that this was NOT Shane's debut match.
     At the 6:20 mark of match #384, Eli says to Shane, "From the looks of your battle scars with all the other matches, you bruise really easily, too." I didn't know what Eli was talking about until I noticed Shane's left arm later on in the match, while he was lying supine on the mat.

     Yes, that's pretty ugly (not Shane, of course -- his injury). Since match #384 was released, Shane has been featured in two other videos. In both, he fights Quinn Harper, your new champion and representative of your federation. I haven't watched either of those encounters between Shane and Mr. "I Wreck Prettyboys" because it was hard enough seeing what Harper did to Jax and to Johnny (MBPJD). Johnny told me that Eli wasn't the worst guy in the federation. I totally get it now, Johnny. Hot young guys come to UCW to wrestle, not to endure the trials and tribulations of the Shawshank Redemption (there's that word again).
     Harper's championship win in match #387 was payback for years of service as a loyal UCW employee, and a loose-lipped Blogger Joe from "Ringside at Skull Island" tipped us off that it would happen several months ago. The match itself was a cross between a "work" and a "shoot" with Harper taking a videotaped beating in exchange for the belt. Danny Sticks, who was invited to join Harper's "Bad Boys" clique as soon as he entered UCW (and, for a while, acquiesced to the creepy come-on), did not play his referee's role as intended. The match dragged on interminably, frequent edits deleted footage, and Danny only reluctantly delivered a super-slow three-count when Harper's opponent was immobilized for a lengthy period.
     At any rate, nobody (inside or outside UCW) seems very pleased with the prospects of a Quinn Harper championship reign, with the exceptions of Harper himself and Blogger Joe. If Shane Saunders, the classiest kid ever to wander into UCW, was turned over to Quinn Harper for his debut, I can only assume that Bodyslam's sadistic tendencies overrode his business acumen. Sorry to be so blunt.

     Alright, enough about Harper. Old Freddie promises to be positive for the rest of this review. When writing about Shane Saunders, that won't be difficult.
     When Bodyslam introduced us to Shane Saunders during a recent UCW Inside Scoop video blog, Bodyslam was polite and considerate of the young man's feelings. Whether this marks a permanent change in Bodyslam's interview style (to be fair, Bodyslam was also courteous during his recent interview with Danny Sticks) or whether Bodyslam was simply being deferential to Shane due to the young man's respectable background, only time will tell.
     Shane is from Los Angeles, and it's a sure bet that he's from Western L.A. (I immediately thought in terms of Beverly Hills or Brentwood, but Eli tipped us off during match #384 that Shane is from Bel Air -- more on that later).
     Also, you'll notice Shane's wide grin when he's introduced as a 19-year-old. At exactly the 21 minute mark of match #384, Shane says to Eli, "I'm older than you," and Eli replies, "You're older than me? What does age have to do with anything?" (Yes, I really do pay attention to the dialogue during these matches.)
     For the record, that verbal exchange did not lessen Shane's appeal in my eyes -- not in the least. Also, for the record, that video that leads off this article is a joke; I found it after Googling "California Boys," looking for a parody of the old Beach Boys tune, "California Girls." That video does not imply any knowledge of Shane's orientation, which is irrelevant to me; Shane is masculine and hot.
     Right above the "California Gays" video, we have a still from the beginning of match #384. Eli is discussing the Eli Black push-up, saying, "only a man can do it, and I'm not sure..." However, Shane interrupts Eli, as he does frequently during this video. "Show me how to do it -- the Eli Black push-up," Shane requests, preventing Eli from completing his insult.
     From the earliest few seconds of this video, Shane's beauty is striking. Shane has great legs and a fantastic body, overall. Enhancing Shane's appeal is his vulnerability; he's biting his lower lip, gnawing at it, actually -- a nervous habit that is evident throughout this video.

     Eli proposes a push-up competition and Shane agrees. "I look better with certain lighting, so I'll face this way on this side and you face that way on that side where it's dim and nobody really cares to look at you," Eli quips. Shane may have believed he was out of camera range at the time, but his reaction shows that he's clearly amused by Eli's sense of humor.

     Since Vincent Stone has arrived on the scene, Eli has shown a kinder, gentler side of his personality in UCW matches. I always wondered how someone who looked so cute only a short time ago could have degenerated into a ruthless ruffian so rapidly. Now that Eli's UCW persona has begun to exhibit more complexity, he resembles Dallas Winston in The Outsiders (with Vincent in the role of Johnny Cade), a hoodlum with a heart.
     Unfortunately, most of what we see from Eli in match #384 resembles the old, pre-Vincent Eli. When it's time for a traditional show of sportsmanship, Eli doesn't embrace his opponent (as he did in match #375). On the contrary, Eli cheapshots Shane in lieu of a handshake. As a matter of fact, every time Eli succeeds in engaging Shane in a conversation, he sneaks him (oh, excuse me -- that's a New Orleans expression -- I think you would say "sucker punch").
     Shane generally speaks in an innocent tone of voice, always on the defensive. Shane looks British; he's polite even when being insulted, and even sounds as if he has the traces of a British accent.
     Shane has noticeably large feet, and you know what they say -- big feet, big...shoes -- and he uses them to communicate his pain and helplessness, kicking the mat, curling his toes.

     This initial meeting between Eli and Shane features elements of the Johnny Deep rivalry -- Eli's jealousy, Shane being good-looking and aware of it, born with advantages, being as pleasant as possible, unable to comprehend Eli's hostility and bullying. Shane even tries to laugh at Eli's jokes as he's being beaten up, but that doesn't lessen the severity of the attacks. This match depicts a great deal of pain (but you'd also see that in a "scientific" match against Ethan Axel Andrews) meanness (which you wouldn't see in a match against Ethan), but no sleaze (as you would, of course, see in a match against Quinn Harper).
     I cannot understand the dynamic between straight males -- beauty causes not affection, but envy and a desire to harm. Blogger Joe seems to relish the cruelty they display to each other, as evidenced by his review of Shane's match against the odious Quinn Harper (a match I will probably never view). Joe calls the match "a fierce debauch" and raves: "...he takes on pretty rookie Shane Saunders. Seeing Quinn catch the pure-as-the-driven-snow Shane in his baleful clutches sends a chill up my spine: terror and sensual excitement combined, the best kind of horror. Shane suffers beautifully, and his pitiful moans seem to charge Quinn up even more. Quinn twists Shane into every imaginable hold and position, both displaying the kid's pleasing physique for the camera and fans at home and sinking his hooks deeper and deeper in a nerve-jangling bodily assault."
     Getting back to Shane's match against Eli (which is heartrending enough), the scene pictured above is typified by Shane's use of foul language, out of character -- a young gentleman driven to utter such expletives by unbearable abuse, temporarily brought down to Eli's level. When Eli switches to headscissors (applied casually, at first), Shane seems to experience momentary relief.

     Then Eli perhaps tips us off as to the area of Los Angeles from which Shane hails. Eli compares Shane to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and -- probably not coincidentally -- tightens up on the headscissors. "Your mother's going to hear that you got into this one little fight, and she'll send you to live with your aunt and uncle," Eli blabs, drawing an analogy to the television show, as Shane suffers obvious pain.

     "F--- your story!" Shane yells, no longer able to cope with Eli's callousness. Not used to being interrupted, Eli applies the headscissors even more tightly.

     Then, of course, because he's Eli Black, and because he's on the mat with a kid who UCW is hyping for his good looks ("sexy Shane" -- the promos even had me mildly annoyed), Eli applies a well-placed heel in a sensitive area of Shane's anatomy. Shane seems as shocked as he is agonized.

     With Eli bending Shane in half, Shane's speedo-clad butt on display -- along with the magnificent arches in the soles of Shane's upraised feet (beautiful from head to toe) -- the match begins to sound like a high school fight between two suburban kids. "Get the f--- off me," Shane demands in a muffled, exasperated, adolescent tone.

     "No, I can't. I'm not allowed. I have to beat your a--," Eli answers, sounding (and looking) like a delighted bully. Then Eli follows up with, "You know what I'm going to do now? Beat your a--." A spanking scene commences -- quite possibly the hottest segment in the video.

     Then Eli grabs Shane's ankles and announces that he's a member of Harvard's rowing crew. Eli utilizes the privileged young man's legs like oars, further punishing Shane's back in this even more extreme position.

     This is a really hot video. It's like Eli's second match against Johnny Deep (my measuring rod for perfection), but less traumatizing. Shane suffers, but he's not totally destroyed. It's possible to watch this match all the way through without becoming so outraged that you have to pause the tape and regain your composure.
     The scene below depicts typical action. Eli is pulling Shane toward him, clutching Shane's left leg and a handful of Shane's curly locks. At the same time Eli is punishing Shane with a knee in his gut. For his part, Shane is holding Eli's left arm, trying to reduce the pressure on his scalp, while vainly (almost timidly) throwing ineffective punches at Eli's abs. This sort of thing continues for most of the half-hour match.

     In what could be an homage to UCW match #336 -- perhaps the most harrowing, emotionally intense Underground Wrestling match of all time -- Eli proffers a referee's shirt. "You know, I think instead of fighting in UCW, maybe you should think of taking another option that gets you less of a beating. It might be reffing. Would you like to do some reffing?" Eli asks Shane sarcastically. "No, I'll pass," Shane responds nervously.

     "Are you sure? I think you'll look pretty good in this," Eli mocks.
     "I look good in everything, so..."  Shane is displaying bravado via this half-finished sentence, but he's flinching whenever Eli makes a sudden move. (Nodding his head to placate Eli. Wary, but not wanting to antagonize the hoodlum. Chewing his lower lip harder than ever. Holding on to some meager hope of ingratiating himself to the bully, but not wanting to humiliate himself in the process. Maintaining his pride while under pressure. It's a cat-and-mouse game and if you're inclined to feel protectiveness toward Shane, this scene will really do it for you.)

This still seems to capture the essence of both Shane and Eli.

     "Aw, I don't know. I'll show you. What do you think?" Eli persists, holding the shirt in front of Shane.
     "I think it looks pretty damn good..." Shane summons the boldness to say.

     Eli kicks him below the belt a millisecond after those words left Shane's lips.
     "AH! S--T!" Shane gasps -- as much an expression of physical pain as it is a display of outrage over Eli's behavior.

     There are moments, few and far between, when Shane takes control during this match. At those moments, you can read the visceral displeasure on Eli's face and note the thirst for vengeance in his eyes.

     In every instance, Eli's acts of retribution on Shane are merciless.

     Match #384 is one of the most emotionally intense Underground Wrestling matches you're ever likely to see, especially if you study it and understand the subtexts. Eli vs. Shane is both a culture clash and an example of class warfare. You can currently download here: UCW Wrestling: Latest Videos. (The page may change if you read this a few weeks after it's been published, so explore the site and find video #384. Trust Old Freddie -- it's worth every penny.)

     Match #384 gets four and a half hugs-and-kisses out of five -- a mere breath away from the perfection of #336. This video may break your heart, but the experience will probably just make you love Shane even more. A star is born.

UCW Wrestling's Quinn Harper vs BodySlam & Bradley D: This Could Be The Last Time

     I viewed this match three nights ago, right before bedtime, and it gave me insomnia. I was almost going to post on Facebook, "Watched UCW-Wrestling match #387 and now so full of hate that I can't sleep," but I didn't feel like discussing UCW at all, not even in a negative light. Originally, I was going to simply entitle this blog entry, "UCW Sucks," but thankfully I recalled an old Rolling Stones tune that can be used to more articulately describe my discouragement.
     Do yourselves a favor and click "play" on that video. That's Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones appearing on the BBC, back when Old Freddie was a seven-year-old kid in second grade -- and I derive enormous satisfaction that Mick and the boys are still alive and kicking today, haven't missed a beat, and are even performing that same song on their current concert tour. (Of course, the exception is Brian Jones, the blond haired kid with mutton chop sideburns who seems stoned out of his skull in the above vid. The cameraman avoids focusing upon him until the last few minutes, when Brian starts staring at fascinating hallucinations on the ceiling and Keith starts laughing at him.) No comment concerning the wild and uninhibited dance moves from the 1960's white kids in the audience, but Jagger (the Baryshnikov of Rock) was an aberration even then. The Stones always had an edge and were great entertainers, while the Beatles were boring-ass mediocrities who were simply in the right place at the right time (including, and especially Paul McCartney -- Kanye fans take note).
     No, this isn't a music blog (or an astrology blog, Danny Sticks) but this song sums up my disgust toward UCW Wrestling after match #387 and renews my resolution to quit blogging about that wayward fed: "Well, I told you once and I told you twice / But you never listen to my advice / Don't try very hard to please me / With what you know, it should be easy."
     Actually, UCW seemed on the verge of getting back on the right track, almost in spite of itself. Eli Black, the thuggish misanthrope who had dominated the federation since I began blogging, suddenly started to turn human before our very eyes (it was almost as if Bodyslam and Axel -- both huge Doctor Who fans -- had decided to produce videos with a sci-fi component). Due perhaps to newfound romance in his personal life -- or whatever reason -- Eli has been "poised," "sunny," and even "positively radiant" (Ringside at Skull Island's terminology, and for once Blogger Joe nailed it) during his last several UCW appearances.
     Then Eli, who drove My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) out of UCW and perpetrated the Swarthmore Screwjob on Jax Briggs, redeemed himself by bringing childhood pal Vincent Stone (UCW's hottest piece of eye candy since Jax) into the fed. Seeing Eli interact with Vincent in UCW videos is like watching Dallas Winston demonstrate tenderness toward Johnny Cade in "The Outsiders." (In recent email correspondence, Vincent told me, "Eli is a good friend and sweet to me and my family. Just want you to know.")
     With UCW showcasing a more complex, multidimensional Eli Black and his hugely appealing protege, one had cause to be optimistic about the federation's future. Still, there was a snake remaining in Eden -- Quinn Harper, who has exerted huge influence on UCW (both on camera and behind-the-scenes) for quite some time. The "Inside Scoop" video blogs parodying Harper's mesmerizing mind-control over UCW founder Michael Bodyslam were right on the mark, and even co-owner Ethan Axel Andrews lost his moral compass, tarnishing his heroic UCW persona when he became Harper's tag team partner.
     The photo at the top of this page is from the very beginning of match #387. Michael Bodyslam is tersely explaining that "Quinn Harper has enough wins to take me on" for the UCW All-Star Championship belt. Yes, Quinn Harper, the guy who Eli just dropped as a tag team partner ("You don't satisfy my needs! You don't make me happy! We don't win!"). Note: Ringside at Skull Island's Blogger Joe is famous for his slippery language, but he left very little wriggle-room in a recent blog, calling Quinn a shoo-in for the title.

     This is a photo from the very end of match #387 -- Michael Bodyslam as The Lion In Winter (open-heart surgery and bad knee notwithstanding) physically attacking Quinn Harper. No, it's not a spoiler; plenty of action occurs at the end of this video, and Bodyslam's assault is just part of it.
     By the way, Danny Sticks (who seems to have replaced Hunter Day as UCW's misguided rookie) serves as referee in this fiasco. At the conclusion of this match, Danny makes it clear that even he wants a different outcome (a sentiment totally out of character with his UCW persona as Harper's tag team partner), prompting Bodyslam to make a disparaging reference to Danny's subversive improv during his closing remarks.

     In my review of match #381, I called Quinn a "rabid coyote" in describing his attack on Eli. Judging from Quinn's behavior in match #387, he probably took my remark as a compliment (it sounds similar to "rabid wolverine"). Therefore, let me revise my description -- Quinn resembles a rabid sewer rat in match #387. Fans of Animal Planet will enjoy this video.
     Blogger Joe went wild over this match (just read the last four sentences of his review) and still managed to be as offensive as ever (that nameless "wet behind the ears rookie" who gained the UCW Championship was Jax Briggs -- a kid with mad skills who defeated Ethan Axel Andrews in his debut match). Not surprisingly, anything that Blogger Joe loves, Old Freddie hates. Since I am in the habit of rating UCW videos on a scale in which five hugs-and-kisses equals perfection, then match #387 gets zero, zilch, nada -- no love from Old Freddie at all. This video is fascinating in the way that a tragic train wreck is fascinating, and it represents the demise of my favorite underground wrestling fed.

     I'm posting the above photo in an attempt to illustrate Quinn's physical condition at the end of match #387. Quinn has an injured knee and the makings of a black eye, and he's saying, "This is for those of you who think wrestling isn't real." Well, Quinn, I've never been one of those people. I've always believed that UCW represents reality in all of ugliness, as I made clear in my review of the Jax Briggs vs. Eli Black debacle (match #361, the only UCW presentation more disheartening than this one).
     Here's some advice to Bodyslam (especially) and you too, Ethan. You guys are not running an adult entertainment website. I watched Quinn's reaction to the "oil-check" reversal in match #387, and that scene reached new levels of creepiness. I almost ran a photo of that "wrestling maneuver" but I'm not sinking to that level; I'll leave it to the purveyors of "hardboiled wrestling kink" (only Blogger Joe could or would utilize a phrase like "creatively degenerate wrestler" and only Quinn Harper could feel flattered by it). If you want to continue down this path (and I'm also thinking about the "pool stick" segment in match #374), you're defiling a wonderful gift that you gave to us.
     As if video #387 (and its ramifications) weren't depressing enough, Vincent told me in his last email: "I guess my next match wasn't any good and I have to train more before I can do more matches, so maybe you could tell Michael to keep using me." You know, it kind of breaks my heart to see this kid's self-esteem being destroyed ("My smile was bad...my next match wasn't any good..." and I haven't forgotten that introductory "Inside Scoop": "I won't make him flex and all that because I just won't embarrass him"). I don't know what gaffes Vincent commits in his next match, but I can pretty much guarantee that I'll love every minute of the video. There are qualities besides technical proficiency that make for an entertaining underground wrestling presentation. On top of that, do you really think that Eli is going to maintain his current high level of enthusiasm for UCW if you reject Vincent?
     Here's the deal, Bodyslam and Ethan. If you still want Old Freddie around after this scathing review of your latest offering, then keep Vincent in the federation. Otherwise, I'll just fade away. ("Old bloggers never die. They just fade away." Perez Hilton said that, and that's your history lesson for today.)

This may be the last time.

This may be the last time.

May be the last time, I don't know. 

(Video #387 aka "R.I.P. to U.C.W." is available for download here: UCW Wrestling )

UCW Wrestling's Eli Black vs. Vincent Stone: Is That All There Is?

     Eli Black had me totally hoodwinked at the beginning of this video (UCW match #375). Standing with his arms folded and glaring like a stern storm trooper at debuting rookie Vincent Stone, Eli remained humorless as UCW founder Michael Bodyslam (wearing an "All I Care About Is Wrestling...And Like Maybe 3 People" t-shirt) rattled off a multitude of quips during the introductions.

     Eli seemed to be putting both Vincent and Bodyslam on edge with his sullen demeanor. Then, as soon as Bodyslam walked away from the mat area, what happened was downright touching.

     Yes, Eli Black not only shook hands with his opponent prior to a match, he embraced him. "I'm so happy you're f'n here, bro!" Eli exclaims. "What everybody in UCW didn't know, my boy Vinnie here and me -- I'm not going to say we grew up together because I am just a tad bit older than his young a--, but I'm like a big brother to this little dude right here." The sentiments that Eli expresses (and Vincent's reactions to them) are undeniably genuine.

     Recently, Blogger Joe has taken note of Eli's ebullient on-screen presence in UCW videos. Blogger Joe even went so far as to call Eli "radiant" in his review of match #379 and that telling choice of words caused me to speculate on a possible romance in Eli's personal life when I composed my review of match #381. After all, "Ringside at Skull Island" enjoys the same type of sycophantic relationship with UCW that Fox News has with the GOP, so naturally Blogger Joe would be privy to inside info.
     Romance or not, Eli Black is no longer the one-dimensional villain that he once was. Match #381 ended with Eli imitating the shedding of tears after his offer of a handshake was spurned by both Ethan Axel Andrews and Quinn Harper. This was a particularly poignant gesture, since Eli had been victimized in that match by some ugly violence from Harper (ugly in the sense of a scrap between two predatory beasts -- in this case, it was like watching a young jackal being torn up by a rabid coyote) but was willing to offer congratulations anyway. After the snub, Eli was left forlorn and alone to stew in the juices of his own hubris; Eli's only real friend on the scene, Vincent, had been kicked off the mat (literally) by Eli in a fit of pique just moments earlier.

     There is a concept of "generosity" that is unique to the world of theater. It involves keeping your ego in check and avoiding scene stealing. In extreme cases, it involves deliberately fading into the background and acting as a foil during dialogues, allowing your co-star to shine.
     In pro wrestling, "generosity" comes into play when you sacrifice your own persona's invincibility, allowing your opponent his moments in the spotlight. It's called helping a wrestler to "get over" -- i.e., achieve popularity and credibility among the fans via displays of ring dominance. In match #375, Eli displays generosity above and beyond the call of duty toward Vincent, his boyhood friend making his UCW debut.

     It's the type of generosity that Eli should have displayed toward Jax Briggs, when Jax won the All-Star Championship in match #361, but Eli's total lack of respect for Jax was mind-boggling. My disgust toward Eli (and UCW) reached its peak after that match. It was the type of generosity that all of the UCW wrestlers should have shown toward My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) instead of despising him for his instantaneous popularity and trying to hurt him during matches. (During his lengthy stay in UCW, Johnny was never allowed to experience a single victory -- and guys like Quinn Harper still post Facebook messages to me saying things like "Ya Freddie, why do you always back losers?")
     As was demonstrated in match #381, Vincent has a tendency to smile out of character. As a matter of fact, Vincent and I have corresponded via UCW Fan Mail and Vincent wrote, "My smile was bad and Axel and Eli were mad about that but I couldn't help myself. Some of the stuff said was funny." Well, Vincent, your smile isn't "bad" by any means -- as a matter of fact, it helps to sell videos. When UCW finally posted the link to my last review on their Facebook page, they chose to include this screen cap:

UCW knows a photogenic smile when they see one.

     Also, Ethan has no room to talk, after he incessantly and inappropriately grinned during this Inside Scoop about a UCW All-Star Championship hearing. Here, Vincent -- just click on that link, keep your eyes on Axel throughout the entire video, and you'll feel better about everything.
     At any rate, Eli managed to keep Vincent in character throughout match #375 by inflicting genuine discomfort on the rookie whenever it was Eli's turn to dominate. If you watch those segments utilizing slow motion and stop action, you'll notice the little tell-tale signs of subtle physical contact (a tap on Eli's bicep, a clutching of Eli's hand) indicating that Vincent is being pushed past his threshold of pain, but Eli blithely ignores them. (To be fair, Axel employs the same harsh method acting strategies during his matches; UCW wrestlers are expected to suffer for their art.)

     Since Vincent has been a friend/acquaintance of Eli's since childhood, he is no stranger to the "bullied kid" mentality -- just as the bully shows his toughness via ruthless aggression, the victim demonstrates his own toughness by nonchalantly shrugging off abuse. Trapped in a horrendously punishing crossface maneuver, Vince stoically endures a long, rambling Eli Black soliloquy. Eli bemoans UCW's loss of Johnny Deep, vents his jealousy toward Ethan Axel Andrews (the UCW wrestler who now owns 50% of the federation), and informs Vince that he will play the role of Eli's "puppy dog" in UCW. All the while, Eli makes a grand show of his callousness toward Vincent's suffering.

     Later in the match, Eli gives Vincent a taste of what his "puppy dog" role will entail. With a chain wrapped around Vince's neck (a chain that Vincent briefly used as a weapon after Eli advised him to wrestle like a "heel"), the rookie is led around the mat on his hands and knees, receiving various commands. When Vince asserts his dignity, Eli yells, "Bad dog!" and disciplines the kid. It's like a scene of verbal and physical abuse straight out of a gay S&M video that somehow found its way into sports entertainment.

     I learned from my correspondence with Vince that he has a February 8th birthday, which makes him an Aquarius (the same sign as Quinn Harper, unfortunately). Chameleon-like and innately nonconformist, Aquarius is a relatively thick-skinned sign, so Vincent was probably not seriously traumatized by the treatment he received from Eli (either in this video or during their childhood). Had Eli led Ethan Axel Andrews (a Pisces) or Danny Sticks (a Cancer) around the mat on a leash, there would have been quite a different reaction (both Pisces and Cancer -- along with Scorpio -- are highly sensitive water signs).
     Ah, I just imagined Danny Sticks (aka the Blog Burner) reading my comments in the last paragraph and rolling his eyes in contempt for my belief in astrology. I do believe that it's time for a musical interlude.

     ...and that's the Birth of the Blues!!! That's the Birth of the Blues, ladies and gentlemen, and that song goes out to my friend and yours, the irrepressible Danny Sticks!!! MUAH! (Just had to get that out of my system. Danny has developed an off-camera friendship with Quinn Harper, by the way. Need I say more? Now, let's move on...)
     Because Vincent had proven to be such a plucky competitor, it was somewhat heartrending to see him break (at least to a certain degree) at the end of this video. Eli had just applied his dreaded finishing maneuver, the Shutdown, on Vince and, being a master of overkill (don't forget, this is the same guy who applied a second knockout maneuver on an already unconscious Johnny Deep in video #336), told Vince that he was going to apply it again. This seems more than Vince can handle, and Vince says, "No!" in a weary voice but, of course, Eli shows no mercy.
     As Vince is being set up for his second Shutdown, the rookie struggles to get free. This annoys Eli, so he runs backward, slamming Vince into the cinder block wall.

     After executing the second Shutdown, Eli attempts one of his patently arrogant and humiliating covers, ordering Vince to remain on the mat for the three-count. Does Vince obey? Well, buy the video and find out. (Somewhere Bodyslam is smiling.)

     Without providing any spoilers, I'll simply say this. By the end of match #375, Vincent has been beaten up enough to satisfy Eli's ego, and Eli must resort to his typical, manipulative rhetoric in order to keep Vince as a potential tag team partner. (Shades of Hunter Day! I swear, Eli's initials should be B.S.) Eli fills the rookie's head with delusions of grandeur ("We're going to run this federation!") like a Jim Jones-style character in a sensationalized Hollywood blockbuster:

      Now that we've seen the human side of Eli, he's no longer a monster. Eli isn't Charles Manson or Adolph Hitler or Hannibal Lector (all of whom I've compared to Eli, at one time or another). In reality, Eli is a driven young man who alienates people with his overbearing personality. Everything else about the Eli Black persona is just smoke and mirrors.

     And that's all there is. Blogger Joe already wrote a review of this match, but that pointy-headed pseudointellectual with his legions of community college "disciples" can create his own publicity, for once. Just go to "Ringside at Skull Island" and search for it, if you're that interested.
     I will, however, link to the video offering. It's match #375 and it's available for download at the UCW Wrestling website, on this page (as of this writing).
     NOTE: Vincent told me in one of his emails, "Thank you for buying the video. Seems people like me but I am told its about sales so again thanks for buying." 
     Therefore, let's purchase this video and show support for Vincent...and maybe even Eli, too.

Ethan Axel Andrews & Quinn Harper vs. Vince Stone & Eli Black: Comedy Tonight

Something familiar, Something peculiar,
Something for everyone: A comedy tonight!

Something appealing, Something appalling,
Something for everyone: A comedy tonight!

Nothing with kings, nothing with crowns;
Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns!

Old situations, New complications,
Nothing portentous or polite;
Tragedy tomorrow, Comedy tonight!

Something convulsive, Something repulsive,
Something for everyone: A comedy tonight!

Something aesthetic, Something frenetic,
Something for everyone: A comedy tonight!

Nothing with gods, nothing with fate;
Weighty affairs will just have to wait!

Nothing that's formal, Nothing that's normal,
No recitations to recite;
Open up the curtain: Comedy Tonight!

Something erratic, Something dramatic,
Something for everyone: A comedy tonight!

Frenzy and frolic, Strictly symbolic,
Something for everyone: A comedy tonight!

Something familiar, Something peculiar,
Something for everybody: Comedy tonight!
Something that's gaudy, Something that's bawdy--
Something for everybawdy!
Comedy tonight!

Nothing that's grim. Nothing that's Greek.
She plays Medea later this week.

Stunning surprises! Cunning disguises!
Hundreds of actors out of sight!

Pantaloons and tunics! Courtesans and eunuchs!
Funerals and chases! Baritones and basses!
Panderers! Philanderers!
Cupidity! Timidity!
Mistakes! Fakes!
Rhymes! Crimes!
Tumblers! Grumblers!
Bumblers! Fumblers!

No royal curse, no Trojan horse,
And a happy ending, of course!
Goodness and badness,
Panic is madness--
This time it all turns out all right!
Tragedy tomorrow, Comedy tonight!

     UCW Wrestling match #381 begins with a standup comedy routine, the humor of which is derived from the spectacle of macho straight guys parodying gay behavior (something with which Quinn Harper is quite familiar -- yes, very familiar). Eli Black is frolicking with his new tag team partner, Vincent Stone, in the UCW mat room when Quinn Harper (Eli's former tag partner) walks in on them.

ELI (to Quinn): "I didn't want you to find out like this."

QUINN: "Find out like this? It's all over the bathroom stalls! Come on!"

ELI: "Look. Listen. You didn't get the hint? Alright, what happened last time? I back stabbed you. I cheated on you. Take a hint!"

QUINN: "And I'm still here. Take a hint that I'm not going anywhere."

ELI: "What makes you think I'd want to take you back? I went to the length of cheating on you because you suck at being a tag team partner and lost every match. What makes you think I'd want you to stay? You don't satisfy my needs! You don't make me happy! (At that point, Vincent breaks up in laughter.) We don't win. So therefore, yes, I've had to go a different route."

QUINN (pointing at Vincent): "That's not how this is going to go."

ELI: "This is how it's going to go."

QUINN: "There are other people..."

     Quinn then beseeches the only other wrestler at the locale, UCW co-owner Ethan Axel Andrews, to be his tag team partner in this match. For some inexplicable reason, Axel agrees to become involved in this asinine domestic squabble.
     When I first heard about match #381, I was dismayed by the tag team pairings. An Axel & Vincent vs. Eli & Quinn match-up would be a classic "face vs. heel" encounter (and I wouldn't be troubled by divided loyalties). Via their Facebook page, UCW posted this message to me: "Axel says to watch the match, and you will approve and understand everything, Freddie Young."
     In actuality, I don't think that even Axel approves of these alliances. At the start of this match, Ethan tells Vince, "Sorry I'm going to have to beat on you but hey, after we kick your asses, why don't you just drop him (pointing to Eli) and come train with me? You need to forget this guy, too (pointing to Quinn)."

     I think Ethan listens to me (he's still wearing the same wrestling gear that I praised in my review of match #374), so let me just say this. Don't be influenced by "heel blogger" Joe from "Ringside at Skull Island." Joe may fantasize about "shuffling off this mortal coil" in the arms of some dastardly brute, but that's not your role, Ethan. When Blogger Joe starts getting excited about how "commanding and tough" you are and begins fawning over your "convincing sneer," then you know that you're heading down the wrong path.

     Speaking of Blogger Joe, even a broken clock is correct once every twelve hours, and Joe had a moment recently. Joe raved about Eli's "sunny" disposition in his review of match #379. I thought Eli was just thrilled to have Pvt. Jack back from the military, but Eli continues to be "radiant" (Joe's phraseology again) in this tag team encounter. I think Joe must have some inside info concerning Eli's personal life.

     Early in this video, Eli taunts Ethan with, "That's right, Axel, be a f*cking bully, baby." The line is delivered passionately, and Ethan seems taken aback. At first, those words seemed hypocritical, coming from Eli. However, as the match progresses, Eli's message gains credibility.

     Like a science fiction film, this video presents us with an Eli Black who is becoming human before our very eyes. In match #381, Eli is not the one-dimensional personification of evil who destroyed My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep almost a year ago (and Johnny himself told me that Axel's partner Quinn Harper, not Eli, was actually "the worst guy" in UCW). Eli now seems more complex, no longer beyond redemption -- while Axel seems to be sinking to "heel" level.

Is all this really necessary?

     As for newcomer Vincent Stone, he's positively adorable (even if he is slow at answering his fan mail). At the very start of this match, after a stunning display of razzle-dazzle choreography, Vincent finds himself in control of Quinn Harper via the proficient utilization of a Boston Crab. Vince looks right into the camera lens (an unusual and endearing habit of his) with a proud, "hey, look at me" expression.

     From a standpoint of structure, this is a pretty loose production (as one might expect from a UCW tag match with no referee). Spontaneity takes precedence over precision and there are plenty of stumbles and bumbles along the way. For example, at the 9:30 mark, Ethan almost inadvertently pins Vince. The rookie can't kick out and Eli can't make the save in time. In order to produce a match of marketable length, Quinn is forced to interfere on his opponent's behalf.

     Thinking on his feet, Eli exclaims to Quinn, "Touché! I was waiting for that. I like what I saw." Eli (who is really sharp throughout this production) encourages us to suspect that Quinn's desperation move was actually a foreshadowing of an imminent tag team betrayal.

     Despite the gratuitous, over-the-top violence done to Eli during a portion of this presentation, match #381 is basically a lighthearted romp. Ethan insisted that Vincent be given a free pass during most of this video (except for an unfortunate instance near the end, which we'll discuss later). As a result, Vince makes mischief with impunity. For example, when Vince puts Axel in a surfboard, he places his right foot in an inappropriate spot (this titillates Quinn, who admits to having "mixed feelings" about the maneuver).

Oh -- and Vince is staring at the camera again.

     Vince does receive some comeuppance, though, and he takes his bumps like a trooper. While sandwiched in the middle of a double bearhug, Vince can see Quinn positioning himself to deliver a low blow, but there's nothing that the hotboy can do to prevent it.

     Now, once again, I must take exception to a remark that Blogger Joe made in his review of this match. Joe is always far more glib than insightful, but when he says, "Quinn specially targets his young, doomed-looking replacement, Vincent," I have to wonder if Joe even watched this video.

     Both Quinn and Ethan target Eli in match #381. It's all fun and games for Vincent up until the troubling 26:45 mark (which, once again, we will discuss later). For example, here's "doomed-looking" Vincent seemingly having the time of his life (and this is not atypical of most of the action in this match).

     At the 10:44 mark, Eli prepares to deliver his patented finishing move, the Shutdown, on Axel. Eli remarks, "It's a little early, but what the hell." Then Eli says to Vincent, "Do you want to smack his ass for good luck?" Vince is happy to oblige.

      However, Eli isn't satisfied. "Oh, I think you should do it a little bit harder," Eli tells Vince. This time, Axel yelps.

     Now we'll discuss the last seven minutes of this video (the part that Blogger Joe may have actually watched). After quite a bit of opportunistic aggressiveness on the part of Vincent, Quinn begins to yell at Axel from his corner, "Axel, I'm trying to play your game, but I want to play my game, dude. Give me permission to be me. Axel! Give me permission to be me!"

     This is a pivotal point in the match, and maybe in Axel's UCW career as well. I was hoping -- even expecting -- that Axel would respond with a remark like, "No, Quinn, he's just a kid." Instead, Axel acquiesces, turning Quinn loose on Vincent. It's a sop to the sadists in the audience, and it will sell some videos, but Axel willingly permits the tactics that he has always claimed to oppose. Quinn dives out of his corner and lands on Vincent, pummeling the rookie with closed fists.

       Toward the end of the video, Axel will rather lamely attempt to characterize a smile from Vincent as evidence of a betrayal. In fact, the real betrayal occurs at the 26:45 mark, when Ethan betrays his own principles. As Quinn's attack continues, close-up camera work captures Vincent's facial expressions.

     Seemingly on purpose (and perhaps due to guilt), Ethan creates a break in the action. "Quinn, are you the legal man or am I?" Ethan calls out, suddenly objecting to the presence of all four wrestlers on the mat. (Seconds earlier, Ethan had been looking over his shoulder at the action between Quinn and Vincent.)

     "It doesn't even matter anymore," Quinn blurts out.

     However, Ethan is adamant. "Wait. He's the legal man, isn't he?" Axel asks, pointing to Vincent. "Or is Eli? Who am I supposed to pin? Him or him?"

     A befuddled Quinn releases Vincent and the kid grins. Vincent looks to the cameraman, seeming certain that there will be a cut in the filming.

      However, the cameras continue to roll and, thankfully, this fascinating portion of the match remains in the video. Both Vincent and Ethan are completely out of character, but they attempt to go through a few motions pertaining to pro wrestling.

     After several seconds of giggling by Vincent and Ethan, Quinn barks out, "Eli is legal!" and Vincent retreats to his corner. A few minutes later, the match's climactic moment occurs. I won't tell you which team wins (Bodyslam hates when I do that), but I will say that the match reaches its conclusion right after an edit, so there's no telling what actually led up to this action. No one seems to completely understand exactly what happened, or why.

      One thing can be said with certainty. Vincent Stone is the hottest piece of eye candy featured in a UCW production in quite some time. However, even without Vincent, this would be a memorable video. The use of improvisation in match #381 allows us to glimpse the actual personalities of the wrestlers.

       In the final scene of this video, we see Eli Black pantomiming the wiping away of tears. Is Eli being sarcastic or is he expressing genuine regret? Match #381 is open to interpretation on many levels, and the UCW personae are presented in a nuanced manner. I give this match a rating of XOXOXOXOX -- four and a half hugs and kisses out of a possible five (about as close to perfection -- match #336 -- as you can get).

     A message on the UCW Wrestling website reads, "We at UCW-Wrestling are proud to bring you the best young wrestlers (that's us!) in hot, high-energy wrestling action. We are trained performers and skilled athletes who enjoy putting on a show that pleases you, our home viewing audience." 

     Well, you guys succeeded quite well with match #381. It's currently available for download at the UCW Wrestling website on this page. Something for everyone. Enjoy.