Jax Briggs & Quinn Harper vs. Eli Black & Oliver Wood: UCW Wrestling At Its Nadir

     They say the darkest hour is right before the dawn...

     Things have been going steadily downhill at Underground Championship Wrestling (UCW) for over a year. It all started when a horrible motor vehicle accident sidelined our tall, dark, and handsome Jersey Boy, Aron Stokes. (Aron is just now beginning to show signs of preparing for a return to the federation. Follow Aron's Facebook page to stay updated.)
     Michael Hannigan's reign as UCW All Star Champion was doomed as soon as he tried to wrestle in accordance with UCW's "no rules" philosophy (and when he deliberately mispronounced Pedro Espada's name). UCW's beloved, mischievous adolescent, Johnny Deep, got a head injury and went on hiatus. Ethan Axel Andrews just spread himself too thin, working as a personal trainer, wrestling for outside federations, and traveling throughout the nation to do custom video shoots. UCW founder Michael "Bodyslam" had risky open-heart surgery and developed an equally dangerous compulsion to stroke Eli Black's abs. These were dark days indeed.
     Recently, Underground Championship Wrestling has come to be dominated by criminals and crazy people. A bondage obsessed sadist named Nick Diesel ended Michael Hannigan's championship reign with a noose around Michael's neck. Eli Black finally succeeded in stealing the UCW Championship title that he had coveted for years and proceeded to perfect his own brand of megalomania.Quinn Harper ran roughshod over the federation, terrorizing opponents with a tactic (we won't dignify this repugnant action by calling it a wrestling "hold" or "maneuver") used by penitentiary inmates to emasculate hated enemies. Isaiah "Ice" Burg used the UCW website to post a video threatening to murder a certain blogger. A rival blogger fell in line with the forces of darkness and began to function as a UCW "heel" apologist (much like Fox News acting as propagandists for the GOP). It seemed as though UCW's "faces" didn't stand a fighting chance.
     Then, rising from the ashes of this devastated landscape, a newcomer from Colorado's "Mile-High City" arrived on the scene. UCW head honcho Bodyslam sent me a photo of him to assuage my misery over Johnny Deep's departure. Ethan Axel Andrews himself patiently trained the newcomer, grooming him as a possible successor. In their initial videotaped confrontation, the rookie pulled a maneuver out of Ric Flair's playbook (feet on the cinder block wall as opposed to feet on the bottom rope) in order to score a surprise pinfall victory over his mentor. Because of the newcomer's friendly, down-to-earth personality, Ethan felt no anger over the loss -- just admiration for the rookie's cleverness. Of course, that rookie was Jax Briggs, and the match in question was #353.
     UCW's latest offering, match #358, represents the federation at its very worst. We have a UCW Champion (Eli Black) whose ego is now so overblown that he believes that he can dictate the terms of tag team encounters (and it turns out that he's right). We have tag teams captained by the two most brutal villains in UCW (Black and Quinn Harper). We have yet another jobber-turned-heel (similar to Hunter Day) who has been swayed by Eli Black's charismatic ruthlessness and tricked into becoming his tag team partner (Oliver Wood). We have a referee who steadfastly refuses to do his job, pretending to be unable to count to three during pin attempts (Isaiah "Ice" Burg).
     Dragged into this mess, seemingly against his will, is Jax Briggs. It is assumed that Jax will play the role of sacrificial lamb in this match -- the rookie prettyboy (it's only Jax's third UCW match) who absorbs horrendous abuse in order to titillate the sadists in the federation's audience and boost video sales.

     As soon as Quinn Harper hauls Jax onto the mat and introduces him as his tag team partner, Eli begins bouncing off the wall with jealousy over Jax's good looks. Eli scrutinizes Jax, telling him that he's not "cute" and searching for flaws (Eli finally detects a pimple on Jax's chin). Jax's awkwardness is palpable during this segment. At first, Quinn simply enjoys the hazing while remaining in the background. Then Quinn feels the need to mutter a few platitudes to the embarrassed neophyte grappler:
     "Just stick with me. I know this ain't your thing, but just hang in there," Quinn whispers with one arm around Jax's shoulders.

     This match represents the old adage, "A house divided cannot stand." The UCW "heels" begin trash talking, and much of the improvised banter clearly crosses the line into bad taste. Eli introduces Oliver as "this tall, black thing" and mocks the name of Oliver's UCW alliance, "the Bad Boys." Eli says that Oliver & Co. are "the boys" but he is "the man." For one quick moment, Oliver seems on the verge of acting "out of character." Then Quinn contributes to the ugliness by making quips about the abolition of slavery when he sees Oliver carrying Eli's belt. Quinn's "humor" elicits a scowl from Isaiah and may explain why the referee refused to officiate this bout in any sensible way. Even before the opening bell, the UCW heel's evil empire is crumbling.

     If Jax was expected to play the role of passive jobber during this match, he clearly defied the edict. Once tagged in, Jax completely ignored Oliver (the legal man on the mat) and headed straight for the source of evil, Eli Black, who was taken by surprise in the corner. Jax pounded the daylights out of the flabbergasted pseudo-champion, and Jax's heroics set the tone for much of the action that followed.

     At another point, Eli commands Oliver to "get rid" of Jax, moments before the rookie knocks out Eli's reluctant henchman in an exchange of fisticuffs. Later, Jax displays his tenacity by steadfastly inching his way back to his corner while in the clutches of Oliver's modified backbreaker. This prompts Eli to enter the match himself, kicking and stomping on Jax while shrieking impotently.
     "Stay still! Stay still! Why won't you listen and stay still?" the thin-skinned UCW "champion" protests to Jax.

     If there is one moment in this match when Jax truly comes into his own -- when Jax proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that he's a powerful force in UCW -- it comes when Eli and Quinn are grappling. Each wrestler is completely consumed by his own hubris, and both seem to believe that Jax is unworthy of their attention. Jax casually walks up to the two UCW veterans, scoops them up in his strong, youthful arms, and bodyslams both of them to the mat simultaneously.

     While avoiding the posting of any "spoilers" concerning this match's conclusion, I'll simply say this: for UCW fans who are totally disgusted by Eli Black and his ilk, this is THE match to buy. I only wish that I had been present at this taping so that I could have conducted a post-match interview with Black. I can't imagine a more soul-satisfying experience.
     Oh, by the way...a few days ago, Michael "Bodyslam" informed me via a Facebook message that Johnny Deep decided to return to UCW. It's difficult to believe that Johnny's decision had nothing to do with the outcome of this match and subsequent developments in the federation.
     A certain other blogger reviewed this match and, as usual, he exhibited nothing even vaguely resembling common sense (he even managed to find praise for "Ice" Burg's refereeing). You can experience the confused gentleman's foolish blathering here:
   
Ringside at Skull Island: All Hell Breaks Loose: Eli Black and Quinn Harper are scheduled to fight side by side as tag-team partners in #358, but leave it to El...

     As mentioned, this is match #358 and it's available here: http://www.ucw-wrestling.com/. Quickly review the philosophical concept concerning karma, then just sit back and enjoy. Your faith in human nature will be restored, you'll regain your optimistic point-of-view, and hope will be kept alive in your heart.

Michael Hannigan & Johnny Deep vs. Eli Black & Hunter Day: Three Bulls and a Ram

You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning
You got a lotta nerve
To say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that’s winning
You say I let you down
You know it’s not like that
If you’re so hurt
Why then don’t you show it
You say you lost your faith
But that’s not where it’s at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it
I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You’re in with
Do you take me for such a fool
To think I’d make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don’t know to begin with
You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, “How are you?” “Good luck”
But you don’t mean it
When you know as well as me
You’d rather see me paralyzed
Why don’t you just come out once
And scream it
No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I’d rob them
And now I know you’re dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don’t you understand
It’s not my problem
I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You’d know what a drag it is
To see you

     Here's a hypothetical story. Two UCW wrestlers go into a bar. Their names are Hunter Day and Eli Black. Hunter immediately starts doing straight shots of bourbon (Hunter's favorite beverage, as we know from his final remark at the conclusion of UCW match #345) and he soon saunters over to the jukebox. Hunter pushes a few buttons, hollers out, "Hey Eli, this song's for you," and suddenly Bob Dylan's "Positively 4th Street" (perhaps the ultimate put-down song of all time -- featured in the video posted above) resonates throughout the establishment.
     There's an old saying: "You lie down with dogs, you'll come up with fleas." Sports entertainment makes strange bedfellows but hopefully, after UCW match #355 (Underground Championship Wrestling's most recent tag team encounter, which can be purchased here: UCW-Wrestling Dot Com), Hunter is finally finished making his bed with the likes of cutthroat manipulators like Eli Black.
     Hunter Day is the odd man out in this UCW tag team bout, and his fate seems written in the stars. Every other participant in this match (Michael Hannigan, Johnny Deep, and Eli Black) is a Taurus. Hunter is the lone Aries (an astrological designation that he shares, by the way, with UCW newcomer Jax Briggs). Therefore, we have three bulls and a ram butting heads, and the outcome doesn't bode well for Hunter.
     I almost wrote that Eli Black sinks to a new low in this match, but the de facto UCW All-Star Champion has provided us with so many truly scummy lowlights lately, the assertion is a debatable judgment call. After all, Eli is the guy who deliberately busted Johnny Deep's head open by kicking him into a cinder block wall just one video release ago (match #354) -- and then bragged about it. Eli is the guy who finally "won" the UCW belt (which he had coveted for ages -- salivating every time he saw it and literally turning green with envy) by jumping a rookie "fluke champion" from behind during his first interview and then strangling the kid until he lost consciousness. The list of atrocities goes on ad nauseam.
     Oh, I seem to have neglected to mention something in the last paragraph. That "fluke champion" who Eli victimized was an underdog scrapper named Hunter Day. Yes, in all of his macho simplicity, Hunter eventually decided that he "liked" Eli -- mainly because the champ was a tough guy with a good sense of humor (hey, does anything else matter?). Eli exploited Hunter's naivete and conned him into becoming his tag team partner. The end result is captured in this video, and it's not pretty.
     In a sense, Eli truly does sink to a new low during this match. In previous matches, Eli could justify his ruthlessness the way that gangsters excuse their murderous tendencies ("we only kill our rivals"). In this match, however, Eli abuses a friend -- or at least, someone who wanted to be his friend. Eli treats his tag partner like dirt, calling Hunter a "pussy" and a "piece of trash" in front of his opponents, referee Ethan Axel Andrews, and the video cameras. For all the loyalty Eli displays, this tag match may as well be a 3-on-1 handicap bout.
     At one point, former champ Michael Hannigan (the last true UCW All-Star titleholder to grace the federation) channels Ric Flair by letting go with a Nature-Boy style "WHOOOOOooooo!!!" and catching Hunter in a figure-four leglock, managing to simultaneously flip off Eli in the process. Eli reacts with indignation to the insult, but offers little in the way of assistance to Hunter. Eli simply advises Hunter to reverse the hold, in a tone one would use when explaining to a moron that 2+2=4. Of course, reversing a figure-four is not an elementary procedure, and Hunter continues to "pay his dues" in the excruciatingly painful maneuver for quite some time.

     Speaking of painful maneuvers, there's just no way to execute a Boston Crab without creating absolute agony in your opponent's lower back. Sports entertainment fans who blithely write off pro wrestling as a choreographed exhibition seem oblivious to the huge amounts of pain (and frequent injuries) that the participants regularly suffer. When Michael Hannigan begins to apply the dreaded Boston Crab to a hapless Hunter, the kid immediately raises his hand to shield his mouth from the camera's scrutiny. Referee Axel hastily rushes over and asks Hunter if he wants to submit. Hunter gamely refuses and continues to suffer for several more seconds. Then there's an edit, and the match resumes with Hunter's legs in a slightly less torturous, more horizontal position. The segment made me wonder just how much pain Hunter actually had to endure during this match as a nonchalant Eli observed from the sidelines.

     As it turns out, part of Eli's "throw Hunter to the wolves" strategy involved a plot to protect his own UCW championship belt, and there was some controversy after this match as to whether or not Eli deserved to retain the title. It should also be noted that, after Hunter committed a thoroughly understandable rookie mistake during this match, Eli abandoned any pretense of being a true tag team partner.
     After the match concludes, the cameras continue to roll, making us privy to a post-match discussion between Eli and Hunter. Eli's verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse when Hunter dares to speak disparagingly about Eli's precious championship belt. Clearly, Eli is a megalomaniac who derives his identity from the belt around his waist. Without that belt, Eli becomes what he is so willing to label others -- a "nobody."
     All that has been written thus far should not be taken as an implication that Eli spent the entire match in the role of passive observer. This match was born of the hatred between Eli Black and Johnny Deep, and each combatant was allowed to bring a friend. Johnny picked Michael Hannigan, which seemed like a no-brainer, considering the fact that the two handsome, young grapplers had already functioned as a tag team combo vs. Eli during Michael's championship reign. Having no friends in UCW (or anywhere else, most likely), Eli exploited Hunter's gullibility.
     They say that eyes are the windows to the soul. Looking into the eyes of Michael Hannigan or Johnny Deep can melt your heart. Looking into the eyes of Eli Black can send chills down your spine. After Michael Hannigan had spent several minutes dominating Hunter, Eli finally accepted a tag. Eli's face radiated brutal aggression as he stepped onto the mat, as if he couldn't wait to inflict pain on Michael. Michael appeared subdued and apprehensive.

     It seems as though Eli has been carrying an MMA mentality into UCW matches lately, and he isn't satisfied until he inflicts a serious injury on an opponent. In this case, Michael Hannigan was the victim, and the injury almost occurred off-camera. As Eli so often does (like a character out of "A Clockwork Orange"), he began mixing comedy routines with acts of violence. Eli pretended to be undertaking a sobriety test, walking a straight line across Michael's supine, already battered body. For some inexplicable reason, the cameraman chose that moment to pan over toward Hunter Day, who was finally enjoying some much needed recovery time in his own corner.
     Fortunately, the cameraman came to his senses and focused on the mat action in time to catch the climactic moment of Eli's sadism. Utilizing slow motion and stop action playback while viewing the video, we can see Eli placing all of his weight directly on Michael's groin while executing a vicious grinding of his heel. In reaction, Michael yells out, seemingly in as much anger as pain, then yells out again.Watching Michael for the rest of this bout (including his corner time), one can observe Michael experiencing the after-effects of this maneuver. Perhaps it was retribution for Michael's Boston Crab on Hunter, but I doubt that Eli really needs any justification for this sort of behavior.

     For those who enjoy seeing prettyboys squashed during pro wrestling events, Johnny takes his lumps as well. As a matter of fact, referee (and 50% UCW owner) Axel seems to deliberately allow Johnny to be double-teamed for several minutes -- presumably to boost sales of this video. For no other conceivable reason, Axel totally ignores the mat action, turning his back to lecture Michael Hannigan (one of the cleanest technical wrestlers in the fed) about the need to observe "the rules." Somehow, "Mr. There-Are-No-Rules-In-UCW" manages to maintain a serious demeanor during his harangue. When Axel finally decides to resume his refereeing duties, he unconvincingly scolds Eli with the cutesy phrase, "Bad Eli!" -- practically admitting his complicity in the attack.

     (Notice that, in the previous paragraph, I referred to Ethan Axel Andrews as Axel, which I often do when I'm angry with him. Mr. Andrews seems to have a dual personality, and I associate "Axel" with villainy, probably due to Axel Rotten. When he's behaving like his usual polite, soft spoken. Piscean self, he's "Ethan.")
     On matters of aesthetics, Ethan introduces Michael and Johnny as the team in "Kelly green"  -- a phrase that I myself used when imagining ring attire for Michael in a fantasy tag team called the Flawless Shamrocks a few blog entries ago. (I wonder if my opinions are having an effect on the presentation of UCW matches?)

     Speaking of ring attire, I have two more observations on the subject: 1. Once again, UCW featured Ethan in the sexy, sleeveless, open-front, referee's shirt that drove me wild when Johnny wore it in match #336. My kudos to the UCW wardrobe department. 2. Ethan committed a faux pas when he attempted to insult the Black-Day tag team via the assertion that their ringwear looked "gay." Besides the fact that it's the same attire worn by Johnny in his match against Nick Diesel, did you really mean to use the word "gay" in a pejorative sense, Ethan? A conservative estimate is that 95% of UCW's audience is comprised of gay males. If 95% of your audience was comprised of Poles would you have told Eli and Hunter that their attire "looked Polish"?  To their credit, Hunter chose not to react to your quip, and Eli actually displayed tact(!) with the response, "By 'gay,' you mean 'happy,' right?" When Eli comes off as the most diplomatic individual during a verbal exchange, you know somebody really screwed up.
     Concerning the hotness quotient of each individual grappler, we'll start with Michael Hannigan. Michael has undergone various physical transformations since entering UCW, and each one has been an improvement. Currently, Michael is sporting jet black hair and, coupled with his fair, Celtic complexion, Michael is exotically beautiful; Michael now resembles a young man of Black Irish descent -- an ethnic group I've always found especially attractive. Michael's strong legs remind me of alabaster columns and the black pads around his knees and ankles are perfect accoutrements. Of course, I've written at length about Michael's delectable derriere and the fraternity pledge fantasies he inspires within me. As if to thank me for the empathy I've always shown him in this blog, Hunter Day gave me multiple gifts of this eye candy during close-up camera shots...

     (To Michael, I know that wedgies hurt, and if my earlier comments concerning your picturesque posterior really did provoke this dastardly deed, I'm sorry. To make up for it, I will gladly soothe any chafed portions of your anatomy in any manner that you request.)
     As for Johnny Deep, he starred in the most emotionally affecting pro wrestling encounter I've ever seen in my life -- UCW match #336. Johnny mixes aggressive masculinity with sensitive vulnerability, making him the sexiest grappler in the underground wrestling scene today. You other federations can keep your soulless gym bunnies -- none of them can hold a candle to UCW's Johnny. Johnny's hair is stylishly long in this tag team encounter, a look that suits him best. (Johnny should definitely avoid haircuts for the next several months; Johnny with shoulder-length hair like Eric the Viking would be too hot to handle.) Time and again, I found myself hitting the "Pause" button while viewing this video and studying Johnny in awed admiration.
     That brings us to Eli Black. When I saw Eli's profile pic at the BG East site, I couldn't believe it was the same Eli. Eli looks tough in that photo, but handsome, too -- maybe even wholesome. Then I saw an old video clip of Eli wrestling during those days and the video had no appeal for me, personally. Eli, even in those days, was just too ruthlessly aggressive to possess any charm. The contrast between the hard and the soft which is key to Johnny's charisma isn't present in Eli. Eli is hard through and through, which is why he is valuable to pro wrestling as a "heel" -- but when it comes to sex appeal, I wouldn't touch Eli with a barge pole. Certainly Eli has his fans and followers among the UCW faithful, but other forces of evil throughout human history have had their supporters too.
     Finally, we have Hunter Day -- nicknamed "Hunted" by the brutally perceptive Eli Black. Hunter seems ready for a "face" turn in UCW and the decent guys in the fed should give this perennial underdog a chance. Who knows -- Ethan Axel Andrews, a certified personal trainer, might be able to get Hunter to trade his Jack-Daniels-and-Cokes for protein shakes. The metamorphosis could be stunning.
     Once again, this is match #355, and you can download it at the UCW site. Blogger Joe from "Ringside at Skull Island" already reviewed this match, and the posting is definitely worth reading. In the second paragraph, Joe -- the anemic academic -- claims that he could defeat Eli Black in a fight. I'm not making this up. Joe is either delusional or self-destructive (there's ample evidence of both in his blog entries) and you can sample Joe's particular brand of zaniness here:

     Ringside at Skull Island: Made to Be Broken: UCW champ Eli Black and Johnny Deep barely had a chance to dry off after their slippery and we...

     ...Joe's boast is about as outlandish as me believing that I could outfight Isaiah "Ice" Burg.
 
     Well, that's it for now. Enjoy the match -- it's got something (and someone) for everyone, regardless of your tastes. Michael Hannigan, if you're reading this -- "stay sexy." TTYL.

UCW Wrestling's Isaiah "Ice" Burg Publicly Threatens Me & Pedro Espada Talks Gut Punching

     That's a photo of a hapless Isaiah "Ice" Burg on the receiving end of seemingly endless punishment during Underground Championship Wrestling (UCW) match #337, a match I've already reviewed. Originally, the blog entry bore the title, "UCW's Michael Hannigan: Not A 'Paper Champion'" and it was intended as recognition of the often under-appreciated talents of the former champ ("Ringside At Skull Island" blogger Joe immediately comes to mind -- how anyone could praise a cheap-shot artist like Eli Black and malign a skilled athlete like Hannigan is beyond me).
     As for Michael's opponent, Isaiah "Ice" Burg -- he was essentially irrelevant to the story. I felt neither fondness nor animosity toward Isaiah. I politely noted the wrestling skills that he'd displayed during his earlier match against Ethan Axel Andrews. The fact that Michael Hannigan absolutely and totally dominated Isaiah during match #337 was presented as testimony to Michael's incredible skill, not to any ineptitude on Isaiah's part.

     Make no mistake about it -- match #337 was one of the rarest phenomenon in pro wrestling. This was a unique example of a "face" squashing a "heel." It's not often that a brutally aggressive villain plays the role of jobber, but it happened here.

     From day one, "Ice" (a nickname seemingly chosen to denote ice water in the veins, a cold-blooded nature, a cold heart -- flattery in the mind of this particular wrestler) made no pretense at sportsmanship or even common, human decency. During his initial "Inside Scoop" appearance, "Ice" saw fit to joke about killing potential UCW opponents. Ethan Axel Andrews (who was conducting the interview) made some regrettable quip about there being no rules in UCW except a prohibition on murder. "Ice" then devised a loophole -- injuring UCW competitors so badly that they died in the hospital days later.

     Michael Hannigan (who, along with Ethan Axel Andrews, is one of only two "legitimate" All Star Champions in UCW history) was obviously unintimidated by "Ice's" bluster. Throughout match #337, Michael racks up pinfall after pinfall, submission after submission from "Ice," who seems to be experiencing a humiliating meltdown.

     What makes this defeat of "Ice" by Hannigan so devastatingly thorough is the fact that the referee for this title match, Quinn Harper, harbored a grudge against the former champion. Harper's officiating during match #337 is blatantly, unapologetically biased against Michael. Time and time again, Harper refuses to count when "Ice's" shoulders are pinned, refuses to acknowledge "Ice's" attempts to tap out.

     Hannigan literally walks all over "Ice" during match #337. "Ice" frequently resembles a doormat, and any "killer instincts" that this once-feared grappler possesses are probably turned inward by the time the bout concludes.

     Out of empathy for "Ice" after viewing this emotionally crippling (for him) beatdown, I didn't really go into detail about the multitudinous indignities he suffered during match #337. Clearly, "Ice" was outclassed by a far superior technical wrestler in Michael Hannigan, but I saw no point in rubbing salt in "Ice's" wounds.

     Yes, I tried to be diplomatic...until I saw the most recent "Inside Scoop" video at UCW's website. Incredibly, there is "Ice" Burg calling me out by name, cursing me, and threatening me in terms generally uttered by homicidal psychopaths. Why? Well, in my previous review of match #337, I simply mentioned that "Ice" was "able to mount virtually no offense" in that encounter.

     That was all I said during my review of one of the most one-sided mismatches in the history of modern sports. A mild observation like that caused "Ice" to go ballistic? I never knew that the dear boy was so sensitive.

     In direct response to "Ice's" videotaped tirade, let me say the following. In no way will you EVER prevent me from exercising my first amendment rights, at this or any other forum. Your challenge to fight me in a UCW match is ludicrous (Google it -- it's not a misspelled reference to the rapper). You probably are impressed by rhyming rhetoric so...I'm a writer, not a fighter. A fitting analogy would be me challenging you to create your own blog and gain a larger audience than mine. (It's actually unlikely that you could even remember your intended topic throughout the course of composing a single paragraph. As the blurb at the end of your pathetic display of mic skills suggested, you wrestled former UCW Champion Michael Hannigan -- not current UCW Champion Eli Black. Poor thing, I know it gets confusing.)

     Moving right along...on a strangely related note, UCW wrestler Pedro Espada visited me at my Connecticut home yesterday. Despite audio problems, I managed to salvage this fascinating footage during which Pedro discusses his membership in "the gut punching community" and tells us how this proclivity has played into his matches against Michael Hannigan and Ethan Axel Andrews. Pedro mentions experiences during his middle school  and high school years in East Hartford, CT during which his ability to take a punch was constantly being tested (East Hartford is a different world from many other parts of the state). Pedro acknowledges that he never had clearly defined abs "like Private Jack Marino or Hiro" (sorry, Eli). During his early adolescence, Pedro didn't really have a name for his gut-punching fetish, but he always considered the abs to be "the most attractive body part on a man." Pedro's friends were always trying to catch him off-guard with a gut punch, but he literally can count the number of times they were successful. Pedro has successfully withstood gut punching from a pro boxer and a two-on-one confrontation. Part of the appeal for Pedro is the challenge, but there's an added dimension that he can't explain. Here -- listen for yourself (and once again, sorry about the audio quality).

     I really wanted to have FAITH (remind me to discuss Pedro's shoulder tat at a later date) that Pedro was one of the good guys in UCW. However, after our taped interview concluded and we were chatting informally, Pedro admitted that he is being groomed as one of the federation's "heels." Pedro also mentioned that UCW founder Michael "Bodyslam" had been aware of our scheduled meeting -- a complete surprise to me, since Bodyslam had been playing coy about this matter during Facebook messages we'd exchanged. Bodyslam is, of course, mainly responsible for the anarchic, no-rules approach in UCW. Now he most certainly knows my home address via online interaction with Pedro. On top of all that, Bodyslam posted a sinister reminder to me via Facebook just this morning: "Pedro isn't that nice in the ring. He did tie up UCW Michael Hannigan and take some cheap shots at him." Yes, that's true...
     However, what really troubles me is the fact that Pedro unexpectedly brought up "Ice's" name -- he said that they were part of a UCW alliance and a friendship in real life. I didn't think much of it at the time. Then, a few hours later, that threatening "Inside Scoop" was posted.
     Ah, well...it's my problem. I won't trouble you with it. I know you come here for discussions about UCW wrestling, and I intend to keep right on blogging.
     Oh, by the way, the "Ice" vs. Hannigan match (#337) is available for purchase at the UCW website. Buy it and have fun counting the number of minutes (maybe seconds) that "Ice" is displaying any offensive skills whatsoever.

UCW Oil Wrestling: Johnny Deep vs. Eli Black -- Tear Down This Wall!

     Michael Bodyslam, tear down this wall...
     ...or at least pad it.

     In the new UCW Wrestling offering (match #354), Johnny gets hurt, for real. Using his feet, Eli Black sends Johnny hurtling head-first toward the cinder block wall surrounding the slippery, oil-coated mat.

     There's an immediate edit in the videotape at that point. We don't know what happens during the break in filming. The next scene we see is Johnny holding his head and whispering, "Ow...ow..."
     "Hey, you need a count-back from five?" Eli asks.
     Johnny rolls around on the mat in agony and murmurs, "Oh, God!"

     "I call that the Pinball Machine move," Eli explains. "You got jolted."
     The show must go on, and Johnny gamely goes through the motions, showing very little aggression during this stage of the bout. Regardless of what the action is, regardless of what maneuvers are being displayed, Johnny frequently holds his head, at times checking his fingertips for traces of blood. For the remainder of the match, you can see the oily spot on the wall where Johnny's skull made contact.
     Eli wraps his hands around Johnny's throat and plays sadistic games, preventing Johnny from breathing for extended periods, letting go, then resuming the strangulation. It's all very reminiscent of how Eli stole won the UCW All Star championship belt from Hunter Day. Johnny is reduced to kicking his feet and gasping.
     In a fit of pique over Johnny's status as a UCW hero, the villainous Black says, "I thought you were supposed to be some nice 'face.' Well, how about if I put that face in some oil? Huh? Yeah. I'll push you around, clean the mat with your head." With his foot on Johnny's neck, Eli literally mops the canvas with the kid's cracked cranium.

     Then Eli reaches a new low. "What's this?" Eli asks, examining the scalp under Johnny's newly cropped hair. "Oh, look at that! Hold on. Camera, zoom back in. As you can see, the wound that I inflicted on him when I kicked him into the wall over there -- see that? Yeah! That's real and I did it!"

     Okay. Enough. I don't think I even have to continue. When Ethan Axel Andrews visited me last December, he told me that if a wrestler has a grudge against another wrestler and sets out to deliberately injure him during a match, UCW wants no part of it. This was presented to me as an articulation of company policy.
     Speaking of Ethan, he himself suffered the only injury of his long underground wrestling career during a UCW match -- chipping a tooth after being hurled into that same cinder block wall. Was it really wise to promote a match between two Taurus guys (that in itself should probably be prohibited) on a mat surrounded by cinder blocks and coated with a thick oil slick? These two bulls (a Philadelphia slang term, ironically) were charging each other, locking horns like true Taurans, on a surface that was as slippery as ice.
     As for Eli -- do you really want this thug representing your business? I don't care how many videos he sells to morons who care more about abs than character -- Eli's presence in UCW will prove detrimental to your bottom line in the long term.
     After Johnny's injury, Eli predicted on camera, "By the time I'm done with you, you're going to want to be done wrestling in UCW." Perhaps not coincidentally, Johnny has since announced (abruptly and unexpectedly) an indefinite hiatus from UCW's mat wars. (The current video #355, featuring Johnny with his longer hairstyle and no shoulder tats, was obviously shot out of sequence. It was probably filmed right after match #345, which served as a set-up for the Eli Black / Hunter Day tag team.)
     UCW founder Michael Bodyslam once told me that Johnny had the potential to become "the next Axel." Was it really wise to sacrifice Johnny and keep Eli?
     This bout was supposed to be a Johnny Deep vs. Oliver Wood contest, but Eli "persuaded" Oliver to forfeit the match. When Eli walks in as the surprise substitute, a startled Johnny expresses dismay that the churlish champion would consent to perform in an oil match.
     "I'm not done picking on you," Eli explains.
     While oiling himself, Eli feigns narcissism. I say "feigns" because Eli clearly has no conception of what constitutes male beauty (unlike Ethan Axel Andrews, a true narcissist). As proof of this, one need only glance at an old photo of Eli from his BG Wrestling days. Yes, this formerly cute guy has now willingly transformed himself into a tatted up circus freak. (Of course Johnny is the current cute guy of UCW -- he even proclaimed himself to be "still pretty" during his only "Inside Scoop" monologue -- and that explains a lot of the animosity between these two rivals.)
     After bragging and boasting for several minutes to camouflage his near pathological insecurities (remember, this is the person who felt the need to brand "Cool, Calm, Confident, and Collected" on his ribcage), Eli offers the oil bottle to Johnny. Johnny reaches for it, but Eli lets it drop. Johnny just nods his head, as if this is the type of behavior he's come to expect from Eli, and picks the bottle up from the mat. Johnny's easygoing personality and good humored nature are in ample evidence during all of the pre-match banter.
     Then Eli (of all people) begins to mock Johnny's new tattoos. I'm not fond of handsome guys getting ink (you'll notice that Ethan Axel Andrews has never done it) but Johnny's tats are fairly tasteful -- a bluebird on each shoulder, representing good luck. Johnny seems to have an appreciation for art which only befuddles and antagonizes Eli. Eli pops off with a highly detailed, disgustingly vulgar analogy concerning Johnny's new ink. Wide eyed and grinning, Johnny repeats every word of Eli's gutter humor in a boyishly incredulous tone.
     When Johnny agrees to oil Eli's back, I become antsy. Johnny seems accustomed to the locker room camaraderie among his teammates during lacrosse season, and he's now out of his element. Sure enough, Eli delivers a backward mule kick that leaves Johnny on the mat clutching his groin, and the match begins.
     What follows is a mix of eroticism and roughhouse which took me several viewings to appreciate, since I initially was so outraged by Johnny's injury. All in all, aside from Johnny's head injury, this match isn't as emotionally devastating as the last match between these two (#336 -- which Joe, the "heel aficionado" blogger for "Ringside at Skull Island" gleefully called, "thirty minutes of Eli feeding Johnny, slightly more muscular now, to the flies"). Well into this match -- even after the twenty minute mark -- Johnny continues to display his aggressive side, inflicting hugely satisfying revenge on his tormentor.
     This, by the way, isn't the fourth UCW match between these wrestlers (it's only the third). You can read this inaccuracy -- and other prime examples of muddled thinking -- in Joe's "Ringside at Skull Island" review of this bout over here:  

Ringside at Skull Island: Slicked Up: I really didn't need the encouragement, but it was my friend Joseph on Facebook (same name as mine but he&#...

(Remember -- this is video #354 and you can purchase it at the UCW Wrestling website.)

UCW Wrestling's Ethan Axel Andrews vs. Jax Briggs: S&M Bromance

  

     Move aside, Brangelina. Sports entertainment now has a relationship that can rival anything you've ever displayed. Make way for Jaxel.
     You can pretty much gauge the chemistry between two wrestlers by how they interact during a videotaping. For example, My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) never seemed to form any strong alliances in UCW (with the exception of C.J. Devastation during one taping), and that just increased my feelings of protectiveness and affection for the young grappler. MBPJD was a highly competitive, combative Taurus and his conflict-prone personality (along with, of course, his ethereal physical attractiveness -- and the presence of his girlfriend on the set) seemed to inspire mainly envy among his underground wrestling peers. (By the way, the reaction of many UCW fans toward Johnny seems very similar -- a mix of lust, jealousy, and sadism. To this day, I see comments concerning Johnny posted on UCW related Facebook accounts that make me cringe and send chills down my spine. No wonder MBPJD was shy about receiving public "attention.")
     In sharp contrast to Johnny's tenure at UCW, newcomer Jax Briggs received a genuinely warm welcome to the federation, via this match against Ethan Axel Andrews (the company's top wrestler and 50% owner). From the opening scene of this video (#353 available here), when a charmingly obnoxious Jax interrupts Ethan's calisthenics to propose an arm wrestling contest, there's an obvious warmth and sense of camaraderie between the two supposed adversaries.
     Indeed, this whole videotaped wrestling session has a big brother / little brother feel to it. 28-year-old Ethan has traditionally been in charge of "hazing" UCW rookies, putting them through the paces and subjecting them to a plethora of painful wrestling holds, testing their endurance and dedication. When Ethan did this to MBPJD (in three introductory matches -- #'s 269, 277, and 295 -- a virtual trifecta of torment, in addition to the impromptu bullying of Johnny in "lost video" #316), Ethan morphed into Axel and treated MBPJD in a totally ruthless manner. However here in #353, Ethan remains Ethan (except for two momentary exceptions which we'll discuss later) and engages Jax in a display of athleticism, not a beatdown.
     That's not to say that Ethan displays any leniency with Jax. As a matter of fact, if UCW had rules, this match would have ended at the ten minute mark. At that point, Ethan had Jax in an excruciating armbar and Jax uttered, "Alright! I'll do it with that one. I'll submit on that." A disappointed Ethan asked, "Really?" and Jax answered, "Yeah." Unyielding, Ethan responded, "Come on. You can't think of any way to get out of here?" Jax just continued to groan and gasp in agony. "Come on," Ethan repeated, and then rolled forward, seemingly propelled by Jax's arm strength. "There you go!" Ethan exclaimed, and the match continued.

 

     Despite the sincere friendship evident during the videotaping, this match is actually as brutal (from a standpoint of pure physical pain) as anything you'll be likely to see in sports entertainment. In order to appreciate what is actually happening during this match, you really have to view it in slow motion. Ethan's pro trainer rhetoric ("What did I teach you? How do you reverse this? This isn't high school. You just can't wait. You don't want to be a jobber like Oliver Wood, do you?") successfully camouflages the cruelty to which Jax is subjected.
     The Boston Crabs and leglocks in particular must be studied in slow motion silence to be appreciated. You can see Jax's hands touching Ethan to communicate the degree of pain he's experiencing. You'll notice Ethan rise up a bit to alleviate some of the agony for a few seconds, and then force Jax to experience the full blown torment once again. The facial expressions and the body language tell the true story.

(By the way, the most horrendous torture that Jax endures in this match comes via a single leg leglock, during which Axel attempts to make the rookie's toes touch the back of his head. The circulation is totally cut off to that leg and it becomes cadaver-like white, like a disembodied limb.)
     However, the leglocks and armbars aren't the extent of Ethan's repertoire, and the fed's head honcho uses every weapon in his arsenal to dominate young Jax. There are bear hugs...

...backbreakers administered in a variety of styles...

...in addition to rapid snap suplexes (more back pain for the aspiring UCW star) and a multitude of gut punches -- all of which leave poor Jax thoroughly exhausted.

     Yet, because the UCW bosses seem to have a fondness for Jax, Ethan does give the young man ample opportunity to demonstrate his aggressive side. In all honesty, some of these maneuvers are somewhat awkwardly applied and do not stand up well during slow motion studies (even though Ethan is "selling" for all he's worth).

     However, after being roughed up severely, Jax seems to lose his temper during the application of a headlock. Jax (who had already been chastised for releasing holds without asking for submissions) asks Ethan if he wants to give up. Ethan can't even respond because the hold is cinched in so tightly and his neck is being bent backward to such an extreme degree.

     That's really the only display of meanness that we see from Jax during this bout. Other than that, Jax seems like a humble young man, willing to roll with the punches and pay his dues for a chance to make his mark in the pro wrestling world. The persona that Jax presents in this tape is quite a contrast to the image he projected during his recent "Inside Scoop" appearance. That interview demonstrates Jax's mic skills and acting ability, but is no indicator of the sports entertainer's true personality (take it from a blogger who was recently called "sir" by this young gentleman during a Facebook conversation).
     Ethan, on the other hand, sinks down to the depth of his thin-skinned, narcissistic, alter-ego Axel on two occasions. Both acts of revenge are in response to low blows by Jax (one of which seemed totally accidental -- a rookie mistake, if you will). In the first instance (reacting to the apparent mistake), Axel not only grabs Jax in that highly sensitive area of his anatomy, but also delivers several punishing slaps before letting go. In the second instance, after beating up Jax thoroughly with a barrage of gut punches, Axel remembers how his adversary had turned the tide of the match earlier via a deliberate low blow. This recollection prompts a knee in the groin from Axel and the comment, "Now we're even," before continuing to work Jax over with more above-the-belt fisticuffs.

     At the end of this match, after having proven himself to be UCW material, Jax clearly bears no grudges toward his erstwhile tormentor. Born under Aries, the sign of eternal optimists, Jax is probably already dreaming of mat stardom as he shakes Ethan's hand.
     "There's hope for you yet," Ethan observes somewhat haughtily.
     "That's because I've got you teaching me," Jax replies.
     Jax's generosity seems to momentarily fluster and embarrass Ethan.
     "Yeah, you better thank me," Ethan mumbles.
     "Let's go get a beer, man," Jax suggests.
     "Yep. First let's hit the showers," Ethan responds.

     ...and so this S&M bromance comes to an end (or moves off-camera, as the case may be).
     My frenemy Joe, blogger for "Ringside At Skull Island," already reviewed this match and you can see it here:
Ringside at Skull Island: Jax: An arm-wrestling challenge is no way to draw me in to a wrestling match. It's sedentary, the drama is minuscul...
     Once again, this match is #353 -- here's the link to UCW's "Latest Video" page, on which this particular video is currently listed: http://www.ucw-wrestling.com/videolatest.html.
     (On a personal note, UCW founder "Bodyslam" Michael underwent open heart surgery today -- and according to Ethan Axel Andrew's Facebook page, he's doing fine. Wishing you nothing but the best, Michael -- with respect and in gratitude for the wonderful gift you've given all of us.)