Blogs about underground wrestling federations and the wrestlers who compete in them, with a particular focus on Underground Championship Wrestling (aka UCW Wrestling). Featured wrestlers: Skip Vance, Jax Briggs, Ethan Axel Andrews, Eli Black, Johnny Deep, Vincent Stone, Shane Saunders, Michael Hannigan, Nick Diesel, Pedro Espada, Danny Sticks, Pvt. Jack Marino, Diego Valentino, Isaiah "Ice" Berg, Quinn Harper, Hiro, Hunter Day, Oliver Wood, Victor, and L.S. Powerhouse.
Yes, that's UCW All-Star Champion Jax Briggs talking directly to the fans during match #365. Jax is saying (in reference to Asian star Hiro): "Hey guys, this is Jax. You like to see more of me beating up guys like this? You want to see more, you know where to go. You know who to look for -- Jax." Clearly, this is a dangerous individual -- the type of guy who will shank you if you cross him. This is also the guy I compared to Tinker Bell two blog entries ago. I suppose I should fear for my life now.
If I am about to meet my somewhat untimely doom, it's all Michael Bodyslam's fault. For some reason, the UCW Wrestling founder chose to release this tape out of sequence. If you listen to Bodyslam's recap of Jax's previous matches right after Jax wonwas awarded gained the UCW title, you'll learn that match #365 actually was Jax's third match in the federation (right between the loss vs. Quinn Harper -- #356 -- and the tag team victory -- #358).
This match is the missing piece in the puzzle of Jax's phenomenal and unprecedented rise to the very top of the UCW hierarchy. If you study match #365 (or even just study the three photos I posted here), it becomes obvious that the real Jax is a pretty scary dude. How do we feel about that, UCW fans?
Yeah, I have to agree. In other words, Jax Briggs, I still love you so don't kill me, okay? Kindly direct your vitriol at the always deserving Blogger Joe, who actually called both you and Hiro girls in his "Ringside at Skull Island" review of this match.
This is the first match Jax has had against someone he clearly doesn't like. (Jax and Axel are straight-up friends and Jax's relationships with ultra-heels Quinn Harper -- who he seems to consider a mentor -- and Eli Black -- who gave Jax the championship belt in a fit of megalomania -- are too complex to fathom). The animosity between Jax and Hiro is evident as soon as Hiro enters the weight room while Jax is pumping iron. The two wrestlers don't acknowledge each other, and Hiro seems to regard Jax in a smug manner (to say the least).
The Japanese grappler's coy disrespect antagonizes Jax. When Hiro adds weights to a barbell that Jax just used (with the cameras rolling), our current UCW champ loses his cool. Using the universal language of a sucker punch, Jax begins this fight (#365 was not a scheduled match; both Jax and Hiro were then considered to be UCW "faces").
I myself have always doubted Hiro's "face" status in UCW anyway. I learned from my good friend, local UCW wrestler Pedro Espada, about the existence of a secret clique within the federation which includes both Hiro and one of the dirtiest, meanest wrestlers in the business. (I won't divulge the name of this secret alliance, but I'll just say that their initials are "M.N." -- in case they ever go public.)
Furthermore, it should be noted that Hiro is the first combatant in this match to use a weapon -- a broomstick, which he utilizes with insidious glee to attack Jax's manhood.
As a matter of fact, Jax's manhood seems to be a major preoccupation for Hiro. Two minutes later, Hiro has Jax backed up against a wall and he's at it again.
(Yes, Hiro is doing exactly what you think he's doing.)
By the way, the transition from UCW weight room to UCW mat room is really cool...
The closed fists seem to be thrown with more impact in this match than in any prior UCW production. A choke hold administered by Hiro turns Jax's face bright red. The always excruciating Boston Crabs are maintained for extraordinarily long periods. The overall meanness displayed by these two fighters stands in sharp contrast to Jax's friendly competition vs. Ethan Axel Andrews in the champ's UCW debut.
In a moment of unintentional irony, Jax traps Hiro in a chin lock and says, "Smile for the camera, prettyboy." As Jax administers the painful maneuver, he looks about as pretty as any wrestler in the sport's history (not intended as an insult, Jax).
Hiro goes the first ten minutes of this match without speaking a word of decipherable English. One of the first instances of Hiro's proficiency in the language occurs, fittingly, after Hiro reverses a Figure Four leg lock. "How do you like my heel in your balls?" Hiro calmly and politely asks, exhibiting all the detachment of a professional torturer.
Maybe it's got something to do with some Eastern philosophy, meditating to achieve serenity, trying to reach nirvana or whatever (I can picture Blogger Joe jumping up and down right now, spitting and fuming about "xenophobia"), but Hiro remains eerily (and sinisterly) unemotional throughout this bout. "Do you sub-meet," Hiro quietly inquires as Jax thrashes about in a punishing leg lock. Then Hiro yanks Jax's leg up to an even higher elevation, holding the limb at a level you'll rarely see in any pro wrestling match. "How...about...now? I can't hear you." Hiro sadistically interrogates as Jax yells incoherently.
UCW wrestlers usually carry on their business without acknowledging the camera's presence. When a wrestler looks directly into the lens, it's often because they have reached their threshold of pain and they're about to call for a break in the filming (as Johnny Deep seemed to be doing when he was trapped in an Ethan Axel Andrews backbreaker during match #316). However, during this match, Hiro frequently plays to the camera, demonstrably gloating when Jax is experiencing maximum pain.
That bear hug goes on interminably, Jax's abdominal region is increasingly reddened, and Hiro decides to demonstrate his nonchalance about Jax's suffering by whistling a happy tune.
The creepiness continues as Hiro follows up on the bear hug, placing his foot on the small of Jax's back while pulling Jax's arms, shrieking, "Wheee!" three times in a high pitched voice.
This is not to imply that this match is a squash by any means. As a matter of fact, this encounter is a see-saw battle to the very end, and the pin is particularly humiliating. (I'd run a photo, but you know what Michael Bodyslam said about spoilers.) This match -- #365 -- is a fascinating study of two UCW "fan favorites" who simply don't like each other. As a result, each of these wrestlers reveals heretofore unseen aspects of his personality that are not in keeping with his UCW persona -- and the dose of harsh reality is refreshing. Currently this is the featured match at the UCW website. Needless to say, it's highly recommended, despite the fact that Blogger Joe saw fit to devote only 210 words to it (yeah, I counted).
As you may already know, in the current Inside Scoop posted at the UCW Wrestling site, Ethan Axel Andrews calls me out and challenges me to do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. If you haven't yet seen that UCW video blog, here it is:
At the top of the page is my response to that Inside Scoop. As you can see, after a swig of Fulton's Harvest Pumpkin Pie Cream Liqueur, I'm totally up for any challenge. (By the way, that's called "product placement" and I expect the Cedar Hill Distilling Company of Bardstown, Kentucky to compensate me generously.)
I was happy to use this event to preach to the "heels" of UCW (Quinn Harper, Eli Black, Isaiah "Ice" Burg, etc.) about the need to obey rules. Please notice that I adhered to every directive of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge (as outlined in the Wikipedia article): "Within 24 hours of being challenged, participants are to video record
themselves in continuous footage. First, they are to announce their
acceptance of the challenge followed by pouring ice into a bucket of
water. The bucket is then to be lifted overhead and poured over the
participant's head. Then the participant can call out a challenge to
other people."
Furthermore, in accordance with the original concept of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, I will be donating $10 to the ALS Association of America (had I declined Ethan's challenge, I would have been obligated to donate $100). Note to those who frequently sell items on eBay: the ALS Association (the national organization and various local chapters) are listed among the "eBay Giving Works" nonprofits.
At the end of my video, I call out local Connecticut UCW wrestler Pedro Espada to accept the Ice Bucket Challenge. I was careful to pronounce Pedro's name correctly because I remember how he brutalized former UCW champ Michael Hannigan (match #320) for not doing so.
Well, I'm hanging out at this hustler bar in Philadelphia called Underground CW (aka UCW) and if you don't know what hustler bars are, have I got a book for you. They're basically places where beautiful young guys with complicated personalities (and lives) congregate, willing to provide paid entertainment for middle-aged gay gentlemen (as long as they're not required to compromise their masculinity).
New Orleans is full of such places, but I've been stuck up in Connecticut trying to maintain this beauty of a house I inherited and feeling like a fish out of water. Most of the rest of the country now hustles via the internet and I think it's a shame. Thankfully, I found UCW and the six hour trek to Philly is well worth the time and effort.
The place is owned by two guys, Michael Bodyslam (a gentleman around my age) and a hot young stud named Ethan Axel Andrews. Such father-son surrogate combos often become lasting relationships -- it's not as rare as you may think.
Yeah, yeah. You're family, Ethan -- whether you know it or not. Anyway, I never forgave you for not liking that fan fiction I wrote about you. Don't talk to me right now.
Getting back to what I was saying, there's this one dude hanging out here who gets me on edge every time I glance at him. His name is Eli Black, and he's sort of become the bar's de facto enforcer. I know the type. You get a guy who's popular with a lot of the customers and, if he's shrewd enough, pretty soon he takes the place over. Eli practically lives in this establishment now, and he's the henchman for the owners. Eli is like UCW's bouncer. Anyone causes trouble, Eli steps up.
Eli is in a special position at UCW and he uses it to his advantage. Truthfully, Eli can pretty much do whatever he pleases at UCW now. If some brash, young guy comes in off the streets and starts distracting the customers' attention away from Eli, Eli will deal with it. There won't be any repercussions from management, either.
Oh, I didn't need to be reminded of that. My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) -- it just breaks my heart, what Eli did to him. I need another cocktail, bartender. Alcohol gets my creative juices flowing and enables me to compose amusing blog entries for you. Otherwise, I'd get too bitter, just thinking of how Johnny was run out of this bar by that...monster.
Ah, that's good stuff. Fulton's Harvest Pumpkin Pie creme liqueur. Anything pumpkin -- right, Ethan?
Well, that's a relief. I guess even an old broken clock like me is correct once every twelve hours. By the way, whenever you smile I can't help but notice that tooth you chipped getting bashed into the cinder block wall just like...oh, I have to put these negative thoughts out of my mind. Ah, let me just concentrate on my drinking, shut this bar out of my mind, ignore Eli, and reminisce...
You know, the first celebrity crush Old Freddie can recall having was on a Boston Red Sox player named Tony Conigliaro. I was just a little kid then -- not even ten years old. Tony was pretty much of a kid, too -- started playing major league baseball at 19. Then he got hit by a pitch, injured bad, and it killed his career. Seems like I had a thing for handsome guys in rough situations even then. Damned near 50 years ago, and nothing ever changes. Hmm...now who does Tony Conigliaro remind me of? I'm trying to think...
Anyhow, after Tony couldn't play ball anymore, he tried a singing career. I remember Tony performing "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" on the Merv Griffin show. I can't recall if Tony could really sing, but I fell in love with him right then and there.
You've got a point, Aron. Sorry about that, my Jersey boy. Hey, it ain't nothing. Now excuse me while I kick some Spartan ass over here.
Good. I don't like that guy. I mean, I talked shit about him and then I felt bad and apologized, but I still don't like him. Oh, hey -- speaking of talking shit, that Blogger Joe guy was just in here and he called you a dick. Huh? You talking to me?
Yeah, Aron. I was just quoting Blogger Joe. That's what he said about you. Everyone heard him. Oh, man. Forget about it. That blogger guy walks in here, he's dead meat.
Hey, I don't blame...
Whoa! I can't believe it! Guess who just decided to stick his head into the door? His eyes aren't accustomed to the dim light, though. I don't think he sees me.
HEY, JOHNNY!!!
Johnny's looking over at Eli warily...but now he's coming inside and walking toward me. YES!!! A lot of the customers perked up as soon as Johnny walked through the door, and I can tell that's making Eli even more pissed off.
Oh, same old same old. I'm feeling much better since you walked in, though, Johnny. Hey, man -- I'm not supposed to be in here when Eli is working. I just came in to say hello. The only reason Eli hasn't kicked me out yet is because I'm talking to you.
Screw Eli. You're with me. Johnny, it's so nice to be able to talk to you. You ignored me for the longest. Well, Freddie, you creeped me out at first -- the way you always stared at me. I thought you were some kind of crazy stalker. I mean, I like attention but you were giving me too much. You seemed obsessed.
No, stalkers threaten people when they're rebuffed. I could never hurt you, Johnny. You're like the son I never had. Aw, you're a sweet guy. Now that I know you, I realize that. Hey, who's that bull in the corner though? I never saw him here before.
Oh, he's a new face -- and he's a pretty big deal around here now. His name is Jax. He's a nice guy -- maybe too nice for his own good. Man, that belt he's wearing with all the gold and shit -- that looks familiar. Isn't that the belt Eli used to wear?
Yeah, it is. Eli gave it to him. Huh??? Are you serious? Man, when did being nice start paying off around here?
I don't know if it will pay off, in the long run. The place is still a jungle. I worry about you being in this environment, Johnny -- and I don't like the way Quinn Harper is looking at you right now. Quinn Harper is here? Oh, shit. I didn't see him. Where is he?
Over there by the pool table. He hasn't taken his eyes off you since you came in. That does it. Now I know I've got to get out of here. Harper is worse than Eli. I told you about what he does to guys during fights.
Yeah, I've seen it first-hand. You have?
Yeah. He did it to Jax when I was watching. The "oil check" thing. That guy needs to be locked up. Well then, I don't have to explain it to you anymore. You know what I'm talking about. Listen, Freddie, it was great seeing you again. I've got to go now.
Hey Johnny, give me a hug first.
Damn. Even after that hug, it hurts seeing Johnny leave -- maybe for good. I just keep watching the door, hoping that Johnny will decide to come back.
Oh, hey -- I just saw Damien Flawless walk past. Damien won't be coming in here, though -- that's for sure. Guys like Damien -- the out and proud, openly gay, flamboyant types -- they just don't fit in here at UCW. The only way someone like Damien could ever be accepted here would be if he was in drag -- and that's not Damien's style.
I wouldn't feel too bad for the Flawless One, though. Old Damien got out of the life and hooked up with some fast food mogul. I heard they're getting married in a few months. Here's to you, Damien.
I've got Michael Hannigan sitting a few barstools away from me. Michael's pants are sagging really low and I keep sneaking glances at that cute ass of his. I don't want to make it too obvious because Michael seems self-conscious about not having a belt to wear. Michael is a real sweetheart.
Oh, wouldn't you know it? Here comes Blogger Joe again with two of his nelly-ass, pretentious friends (they're chit-chatting about "Southern Living" magazine).
Hi yourself, Joe. I'm just wondering how long it's going to take before you say something about UCW that aggravates me. What do you mean, Freddie? I love this place. It's fast, cheap, and out of control!
Well, I think you just broke your own record. What gives you the right to have such a condescending attitude toward UCW? Condescending? Moi? You've got me confused with someone else. I stand in solidarity with the proletariat.
You're so full of shit. I am never, ever going to forgive you for calling my boy Johnny a "scumbag." Oh, and by the way, Aron heard about how you called him a "dick" last time you were in here, and he's ready to beat the crap out of you. It's a good thing Aron hasn't noticed you yet. HEY, ARON!!! Well, I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable about all this. If I wanted to shuffle off this mortal coil, it would be in the arms of that Marcus Ares fellow, not Aron's.
Just shut the fuck up -- and get the fuck out. You need to go back to that BG Dance Club you love so much. You don't belong here. Security! I think we need security over here!
Oh, no. Don't think Eli is going to save your sorry ass, either. Eli hasn't forgotten how you called him a "punk" and said that you could beat him in a fight. Look at Eli. Eli sees what's happening over here. Eli's laughing at you, Joe. Oh, dear me. This is something of a sticky wicket. I believe that it's time for us to make our exit, gentlemen. Discretion is the better part of valor.
Yeah, yeah. Get the fuck. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Motherfuckers.
Uh-oh. Bodyslam is coming this way, looking plenty unhappy -- and he's got Eli with him.
Yeah, sure, Bodyslam. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Well, things were sounding pretty rambunctious over here. How many cocktails have you had, Freddie?
I don't know. I lost count a long time ago. Besides, that's got nothing to do with anything. You know I hate that Skull Island guy, Bodyslam. Now, Freddie...Joe carries a lot of clout here at UCW. Joe spends a lot of capital over here. You just need to calm down. You always go too far. You're hurting my bottom line.
Hurt UCW? Me? I'd never hurt UCW. I love UCW. Shit, this is my niche. I come as close to fitting in here as I ever could anywhere. I mean, if it wasn't for UCW, where else would I go? Yeah, that's true. We're the only ones who would put up with you.
Um...I'm trying to formulate a comeback but I'm unable to. I guess I can't argue with that. I can only say that, when the smoke clears, at the end of the day, you'll see I helped your business more than I hurt it. What am I going to do with this guy?
(Bodyslam muttered that under his breath, half to Eli and half to himself.)
Look, Bodyslam -- it's only because I hate drinking alone. That's why I get loud and mean. Where are all the hardcore partyers, man. I need a drinking buddy. Where's Hunter? Hey Freddie, I don't have to sugarcoat it with you. I don't have to pretend that everything is nice. You can handle it. Hunter was living life in the fast lane. Now he has to pull back and get some rest. It's the same story with so many of the other guys you've seen here in the past. You know the score.
Well, Hunter will be welcome back here, when he's ready.
Oh, man...I need to play the jukebox
Love that song. Hey, there's a customer staring at me.
What are you looking at? You. I find you entertaining.
Yeah? What's so entertaining about me? People think I'm a comedian or something, when I'm just being myself.
Now the guy's laughing. I'm starting to get angry. Oh, I don't mean to be rude. I wasn't laughing at you. Not really. It's just that you get so emotionally involved in everything. I even saw you here when they were doing the Thursday night oil wrestling. You seemed to believe it was real.
It is. Oh? You don't believe it's scripted?
Look, the stuff that doesn't matter is scripted. The stuff that matters is real. You see the true personalities of the wrestlers expressed during the matches. You see who are really friends. You see which guys are jealous of each other. You can tell who's got their shit together and who's living on the edge. Amazing. You can divine all of that information. You must be highly perceptive. Yeah, I can divine plenty. You think those guys aren't really hurting each other? You think there's no real pain? Haven't you ever heard someone say "cut" from backstage during a match, and then the lights go dark for a few seconds before the action resumes? What goes on in the dark? It's a guy trying to regain his composure after he was pushed beyond his limits -- and it doesn't happen by chance.
Well, I guess I was talking a bit too loud. Here come Bodyslam and Eli again, and this time they're striding toward me in a purposeful, resolute manner. I better hurry up and make my point.
These UCW guys are totally objectified anyway. The best looking guys are the ones that the customers want to see suffer most -- and they call themselves their "fans." I'm not even going to start talking about the private matches in motel rooms. You think you're leaving the real world when you come here to UCW? No. You're entering the real world.
Alright, I know better than to argue with you guys. I'll leave -- go home, drink some more, and listen to my music there...
18 Therefore thus saith the Lord concerning Jehoiakim the son of Josiah king of Judah; They shall not lament for him, saying, Ah my brother! or, Ah sister! they shall not lament for him, saying, Ah lord! or, Ah his glory! 19 He shall be buried with the burial of an ass, drawn and cast forth beyond the gates of Jerusalem. 20 Go up to Lebanon, and cry; and lift up thy voice in Bashan, and cry from the passages: for all thy lovers are destroyed. Jeremiah 22:18-20 King James Version (KJV)
That Biblical quote concerning the demise of a tyrannical prince seems appropriate in reference to former UCW champion Eli Black. In the above photograph, we see Eli in a spladle, being spanked (both figuratively and literally) by Ethan Axel Andrews in UCW match #338. Notice how red splotches are immediately forming on the cheeks of Eli's "lily-white ass" -- a phrase used by "Ringside at Skull Island" in the second paragraph of this review (a tirade by Blogger Joe in which he professes an ability to "scrub the mat" with Eli's posterior -- which is sort of like the old coot thinking that he could beat Mike Tyson).
In Eli's most recent UCW appearance (video #358 -- the title match vs. Jax Briggs), Eli claimed to be in a class by himself, and there was no real competition available in the federation. To anyone who took this load of cow manure seriously, I recommend viewing match #338 -- Eli's humiliating attempt to defeat Ethan Axel Andrews (who current champ Jax Briggs, the "needy" recipient of Eli's noblesse oblige in that championship bout, has already defeated -- in his very first UCW match).
Memo to Jax Briggs: Eli Black is not invincible. Champ, I love you, but here's some constructive criticism. Eli had you totally psyched out during that championship bout, and you don't seem to have snapped out of it yet. For those who don't understand what I'm talking about, peruse this recent Facebook exchange between Jax and me:
That championship match could have been (and probably was) scripted by Eli Black himself, in order to stroke his own massive ego. Jax Briggs (who was actually labelled as "way too nice" by Eli during the match) allowed himself to become UCW Champion via a title change that destroyed his own credibility as a wrestler. As a champion, Jax is now UCW's Tinkerbell -- oops, I mean Tinker Bell. If we UCW fans don't believe in Jax as our champion, he'll just fade away.
Well, I'm clapping as loud as I can, but I can't do it alone. Fortunately, Ethan Axel Andrews is a certified personal trainer and he's taken Jax under his wing, so to speak. It all makes sense, actually. Of all astrological signs, Pisces is the most gentle and the least likely to become involved in combat sports. Ethan is a Pisces -- and his adherence to a strict physical training regimen came about as a reaction to being bullied during his teen years. Naturally, Ethan would feel an affinity toward Jax and do everything in his power to prevent the kid from being victimized by hardcore S.O.B.'s like Eli. As a matter of fact, here's the current UCW "Inside Scoop" video blog:
Yes, Ethan it's nice that you're a certified personal trainer (as Michael Bodyslam reminded me on Facebook this morning)...but My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) could have a license in occupational massage therapy by now if you hadn't pulled rank on him concerning usage of the UCW mat room. Just saying.
Ah well, I haven't the time for such bitterness. Besides, I have to get on with my review of match #338 -- and I hope Jax Briggs is paying close attention. To be the man, you have to beat the man and you already beat the man who beat Eli -- so chin up, Champ. (By the way, Jax, I'm already feeling pangs of guilt about what I wrote three paragraphs ago. If this causes you to be called "Tinker Bell" by jerks like Quinn Harper for the duration of your tenure in UCW, I'll never forgive myself.)
Match #338 begins with typical UCW banter, but Ethan shuts up Eli permanently with, "But you still haven't won the belt" -- a retort which no longer can be used, and I can't help feeling that we've lost something precious. As for Eli's appearance -- which really doesn't merit much discussion -- he was in a transitional phase when this match was taped. Certainly, Eli doesn't possess the deceptively attractive look of his BG East days but he hasn't yet grown that moss-like substance on his face, either.
Eli avoided this match with Ethan for quite some time because he knew it would ruffle his feathers. Not only is Ethan as well-trained as Eli in various forms of combat, but also -- and more importantly -- Ethan has more political clout in UCW than Eli. Eli may be able to entice UCW Founder Michael Bodyslam into some clandestine ab stroking, but Ethan is Bodyslam's housemate and he's got 50% ownership of the fed. Not surprisingly, Eli is able to mount no offense whatsoever during the first five minutes of this fight.
As Ethan works over Eli's allegedly injured arm (assuming that the bandages aren't just a prop allowing Eli's mat persona to save some face during this debacle), Eli almost seems to be crying.
Watching UCW matches while utilizing stop-action and slow-motion, I've noticed that the wrestlers make some sort of physical contact with their opponents (most often a hand touching a shoulder) when they're receiving more pain than they can handle. If their opponents don't relent, they look directly into the cameraman's lens with desperate, deadly serious facial expressions to signify that they're really in trouble. During this phase of the match, Ethan seems fairly relentless.
As a matter of fact, as Ethan continues to dominate Eli, Eli musters the audacity to remark, "That's right -- be a bully." (To anyone who has witnessed Eli's merciless beatdowns of Johnny -- including abuse after Johnny was already knocked unconscious -- the irony is laughable.)
"You're the exception to the bully rule," Ethan patiently explains to Eli. "You're the biggest bully of all."
Indeed, it would be unfair to accuse Ethan of sinking to Eli's level during this match. Keeping in mind all of his past experiences, Ethan seems focused on justice, not vengeance. Ethan gives the impression that he'd be in favor of the death penalty, but not cruel and unusual punishment. Eli, on the other hand...
Ethan and Eli provide a study in contrasts and it was inevitable that they'd clash. Ethan is the soft-spoken product of America's heartland, a transplanted Wisconsinite squeezed into skin-tight corduroys, dreaming of NYC hipster status.
Okay, okay.
Eli, on the other hand, is the streetwise loudmouth, the Philadelphia hooligan who yells, "Pussy!" every thirty seconds, like a rube in a whorehouse. Even the physical appearances of these two grapplers are opposite. Observing Ethan and Eli tie up on the mat provides a plethora of memorable images. We have clean-cut Ethan's long, lithe limbs wrapped around Eli's compact, rugged, tatted-up frame...
(By the way, that's Eli preparing Ethan for his finishing maneuver, The Shutdown -- an uninspired, lackluster name if ever we heard one. Eli, you should utilize a signature move that makes people remember your name -- like The ELIminator or The Blackout. You're welcome.)
Now, for some reason, this match reminded Old Freddie of two other athletes from a bygone era. We have the tall, statuesque brunet with the wholesome image from a respectable background and the smaller, feisty blond with the ruthless attitude from a hardscrabble background. I just wish I could remember who those two athletes were.
At the end of this match, Eli challenges Ethan to a gut-punching contest to determine the winner. When Ethan agrees, Eli can barely conceal his gloating, thinking that he's conned the idealistic jock into playing by his rules. However, Ethan proves to be a game competitor...
In my last blog entry, I decried the fact that pro wrestling has abandoned its role as a morality play for American society. Without going into any more detail, let me just say that this match stays true to that old-school concept. You can read Ringside at Skull Island's take on this presentation here:
Ringside at Skull Island: Nemeses: UCW-Wrestling 's latest release [#338] gives us the highly anticipated one-on-one, mano-a-mano showdown between E...
As I mentioned, this is UCW video #338, and it's available for download here: UCW Wrestling. Ethan Axel Andrews stars as a sexy, avenging angel who sends Eli Black (in the role of Ole Slew Foot) tumbling down into the fiery pits of hell where he belongs. Enjoy.
"You hurt the ones that I love best And cover up the truth with lies. One day, you'll be in the ditch Flies buzzing around your eyes Blood on your saddle."
Leave the false hope to eternal optimists like Jax Briggs. At the end of the day, it's an Eli Black world. The "heels" rule and the "faces" serve as fall guys.
UCW match #358 accomplished the seemingly impossible -- it prompted me to doubt my own cynicism. Yes, I actually ended the review of that match with these words: "Your faith in human nature will be restored, you'll regain your
optimistic point-of-view, and hope will be kept alive in your heart." I said that. What's even worse, I meant it. Such is the transformational nature of effective drama.
Match #358 seemed to signal the beginning of a new era in UCW. Both Blogger Joe from "Ringside at Skull Island" and I thought that the heroic, young Jax Briggs had won the UCW All-Star Championship belt from Eli. The scenario seemed too good to be true, mainly because UCW founder Michael "Bodyslam" had developed a crush on Eli which manifested itself in decadent ab stroking and (according to Eli himself at the end of match #354) the nightly secreting of the champ's used undergarments under the UCW head honcho's bedroom pillows. Was this remark uttered during a sports-entertainment presentation a case of art imitating life?
At any rate, Bodyslam managed to find a technicality that invalidated Jax's victory.
I want to make it clear; I thoroughly, utterly loathe Eli Black. Yes, I recognize his type, and I know what he represents. Eli is a "man's man." Eli is the anti-Narcissus. Once Eli was a relatively attractive young man, but he soon defiled his desirable body with ugly markings (most of which are vapid platitudes illustrating Eli's self-centered nature). Eli's type doesn't want to gain advantages via physical beauty and charm. Eli's type wants to succeed through brute force and ruthlessness. Eli's type would rather be feared than loved so he traded an appealing image for an intimidating presence. At the core of Eli Black's essence is a thoroughly primitive nature.
To illustrate this fact, here's a photo of Eli holding his own foot and using his calf muscles to strangle Jax Briggs. Note the inscription on Eli's forearm, "I am only alive once and I am gonna die when God wants" (a quote from inspirational vocalist Machine Gun Kelly -- no wait, Machine Gun Kelly -- sorry about that -- different generation -- Old Freddie gets confused sometime).
Of course, Eli is the guy who left My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) injured and humiliated, lying face down on the mat, stripped naked and bleeding from a head injury in match #354 which, according to Ethan Axel Andrews, just may be the last time we ever see Johnny in UCW (and that wasn't even the most traumatizing match between those two). In UCW, these financially struggling young grapplers need to experience both pain and shame in order to create a marketable video.
Keeping this harsh reality in mind, I watched UCW match #361 Wednesday night. For a long time, I couldn't find words. For a long time, I wondered if I should bother trying.
I don't think anything like this has ever happened before in pro wrestling. I don't think any federation's champion has ever undertaken such a strategy, although people in other walks of life have. Former President Richard Nixon, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, and former Pope Benedict XVI immediately come to mind.
Wrestlers have been asked to "job" in championship matches before, but the level of degradation required of Jax in match #361 was unprecedented. What did Jax do to deserve this thankless role? Was Jax hired to be a victim from the beginning? Was all the hype concerning Jax just an elaborate build-up in preparation for a soul destroying let-down?
Was this storyline the work of Eli, acting out of egotism and jealousy? Was Eli worried that Jax, like Johnny, might build a larger fan base than his own? Did Eli propose this match, then get his way because of his favored status in UCW? Will Jax's final match in UCW (assuming that this one wasn't it) feature Jax stripped naked and bleeding from a head wound inflicted by Eli Black?
Time and time again, Jax has been referred to in UCW circles as "a great guy" -- which sounds dangerously similar to "a nice guy" -- and we all know the negative connotation associated with that.
What happens to Jax now? Who could ever take the persona of Jax Briggs seriously after match #361? Eli reduced Jax to a pitiful charity case. "Who ever said that I never gave back to the needy?" was one of Eli's despicable lines in his closing soliloquy. As a credible, respected UCW wrestler, Jax is finished.
Damn, I was set up perfectly. After Jax was denied the title based on the fine print in an imaginary rule book, UCW immediately signed him to a championship event. Once again, I was imagining the young hero Jax thanking his fans for their support. Once again, I imagined Eli Black having a meltdown, unable to cope with the consequences of his own hubris and ruthlessness. I even began composing this blog entry before viewing the match, searching for appropriate bible passages to rub salt in Eli's wounds. I heard rumors that Jax took the title, and my sense of excitement grew.
Who could have foreseen this match's repugnant conclusion? Just as Jax has been reduced to the status of a joke in UCW, so Eli has been elevated to the level of invulnerability. We fans will never see Eli lose that belt and receive his just comeuppance. Once upon a time, pro wrestling was a morality play. The heroes suffered adversity, but they eventually triumphed and presided over the punishment of the evildoers. Then fans began cheering for "heels" and everything changed. Now wrestling represents the world as it is, not as it should be. In UCW, the "heels" run the fed and the "faces" are fall guys. Hey, it's the same way in the real world. Only for one brief moment (after match #358) did UCW seem capable of inspiring us to believe in something better.
People think that pro wrestling is fake? Damn near everything in this world is fake. Politics is fake, religion is fake, practically everything we've been conditioned to believe is fake. UCW is real.
We haven't heard from Jax in weeks. Supposedly, this is due to the demands of his job and his inability to maintain internet access. That's credible -- UCW wrestlers are mostly guys who are struggling financially in this rotten economy.
Still, I've got to believe that Jax did his stint and now wants no more to do with the fed. That's totally understandable, since Jax seemed to really take his UCW persona seriously -- always went out of his way to cultivate a fan base, always maintained an unfailingly courteous and respectful attitude in all of his postings. Speaking of which, the sock puppet posts on Facebook designed to create controversy and promote this video just added insult to injury -- and damaged the Jax Briggs persona even more.
Where do we go from here? I can't imagine. Before Jax ever debuted in UCW, Bodyslam sent me a photo of Jax to assuage my misery over Johnny's departure (then still being called a "hiatus"). As it turned out, Jax fulfilled that mission above all expectations. Jax gave me a reason to keep on blogging. So much for that. It would be nice to hear from Jax after this ugliness -- the real Jax, not Bodyslam or Quinn Harper using Jax's Facebook account -- but I don't expect it. Who would want to carry on after this? Seriously. I mean, other UCW wrestlers have complaints that they weren't used properly. I'm sure they have legit gripes, but it all must pale compared to the role forced upon Jax in #361.
On a related note. Hunter Day (a naive Aries like Jax) is definitely gone from the fed (at least "for a while," as Axel phrased it). I guess Hunter was just hired to be humiliated also. You may recall how Hunter was ridiculed for being a "nobody" by his "partner" Eli Black in the last match we'll probably ever see of him. Oh, and remember the last Inside Scoop featuring Hunter? Come on. What was the point?
Hunter, Jax, Johnny...UCW is just like American society. The late George Carlin said it best: "It's a big club -- and you're not in it."
This rigged contest between a privileged egomaniac and an "obedient worker" for what should truly be called "The Eli Black Belt" is downloadable here: the UCW Wrestling website. Happy viewing.
