UCW Wrestling's Ethan Axel Andrews vs. Eli Black: The Burial of an Ass

18 Therefore thus saith the Lord concerning Jehoiakim the son of Josiah king of Judah; They shall not lament for him, saying, Ah my brother! or, Ah sister! they shall not lament for him, saying, Ah lord! or, Ah his glory!
19 He shall be buried with the burial of an ass, drawn and cast forth beyond the gates of Jerusalem.
20 Go up to Lebanon, and cry; and lift up thy voice in Bashan, and cry from the passages: for all thy lovers are destroyed.
                                                                    Jeremiah 22:18-20 King James Version (KJV)
     That Biblical quote concerning the demise of a tyrannical prince seems appropriate in reference to former UCW champion Eli Black. In the above photograph, we see Eli in a spladle, being spanked (both figuratively and literally) by Ethan Axel Andrews in UCW match #338. Notice how red splotches are immediately forming on the cheeks of Eli's "lily-white ass" -- a phrase used by "Ringside at Skull Island" in the second paragraph of this review (a tirade by Blogger Joe in which he professes an ability to "scrub the mat" with Eli's posterior -- which is sort of like the old coot thinking that he could beat Mike Tyson).
     In Eli's most recent UCW appearance (video #358 -- the title match vs. Jax Briggs), Eli claimed to be in a class by himself, and there was no real competition available in the federation. To anyone who took this load of cow manure seriously, I recommend viewing match #338 -- Eli's humiliating attempt to defeat Ethan Axel Andrews (who current champ Jax Briggs, the "needy" recipient of Eli's noblesse oblige in that championship bout, has already defeated -- in his very first UCW match).
     Memo to Jax Briggs: Eli Black is not invincible. Champ, I love you, but here's some constructive criticism. Eli had you totally psyched out during that championship bout, and you don't seem to have snapped out of it yet. For those who don't understand what I'm talking about, peruse this recent Facebook exchange between Jax and me:

     That championship match could have been (and probably was) scripted by Eli Black himself, in order to stroke his own massive ego. Jax Briggs (who was actually labelled as "way too nice" by Eli during the match) allowed himself to become UCW Champion via a title change that destroyed his own credibility as a wrestler. As a champion, Jax is now UCW's Tinkerbell -- oops, I mean Tinker Bell. If we UCW fans don't believe in Jax as our champion, he'll just fade away.

     Well, I'm clapping as loud as I can, but I can't do it alone. Fortunately, Ethan Axel Andrews is a certified personal trainer and he's taken Jax under his wing, so to speak. It all makes sense, actually. Of all astrological signs, Pisces is the most gentle and the least likely to become involved in combat sports. Ethan is a Pisces -- and his adherence to a strict physical training regimen came about as a reaction to being bullied during his teen years. Naturally, Ethan would feel an affinity toward Jax and do everything in his power to prevent the kid from being victimized by hardcore S.O.B.'s like Eli. As a matter of fact, here's the current UCW "Inside Scoop" video blog:

     Yes, Ethan it's nice that you're a certified personal trainer (as Michael Bodyslam reminded me on Facebook this morning)...but My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) could have a license in occupational massage therapy by now if you hadn't pulled rank on him concerning usage of the UCW mat room. Just saying.
     Ah well, I haven't the time for such bitterness. Besides, I have to get on with my review of match #338 -- and I hope Jax Briggs is paying close attention. To be the man, you have to beat the man and you already beat the man who beat Eli -- so chin up, Champ. (By the way, Jax, I'm already feeling pangs of guilt about what I wrote three paragraphs ago. If this causes you to be called "Tinker Bell" by jerks like Quinn Harper for the duration of your tenure in UCW, I'll never forgive myself.)
     Match #338 begins with typical UCW banter, but Ethan shuts up Eli permanently with, "But you still haven't won the belt" -- a retort which no longer can be used, and I can't help feeling that we've lost something precious. As for Eli's appearance -- which really doesn't merit much discussion -- he was in a transitional phase when this match was taped. Certainly, Eli doesn't possess the deceptively attractive look of his BG East days but he hasn't yet grown that moss-like substance on his face, either.
     Eli avoided this match with Ethan for quite some time because he knew it would ruffle his feathers. Not only is Ethan as well-trained as Eli in various forms of combat, but also -- and more importantly -- Ethan has more political clout in UCW than Eli. Eli may be able to entice UCW Founder Michael Bodyslam into some clandestine ab stroking, but Ethan is Bodyslam's housemate and he's got 50% ownership of the fed. Not surprisingly, Eli is able to mount no offense whatsoever during the first five minutes of this fight.

     As Ethan works over Eli's allegedly injured arm (assuming that the bandages aren't just a prop allowing Eli's mat persona to save some face during this debacle), Eli almost seems to be crying.

     Watching UCW matches while utilizing stop-action and slow-motion, I've noticed that the wrestlers make some sort of physical contact with their opponents (most often a hand touching a shoulder) when they're receiving more pain than they can handle. If their opponents don't relent, they look directly into the cameraman's lens with desperate, deadly serious facial expressions to signify that they're really in trouble. During this phase of the match, Ethan seems fairly relentless.

     As a matter of fact, as Ethan continues to dominate Eli, Eli musters the audacity to remark, "That's right -- be a bully." (To anyone who has witnessed Eli's merciless beatdowns of Johnny -- including abuse after Johnny was already knocked unconscious -- the irony is laughable.)
     "You're the exception to the bully rule," Ethan patiently explains to Eli. "You're the biggest bully of all."
     Indeed, it would be unfair to accuse Ethan of sinking to Eli's level during this match. Keeping in mind all of his past experiences, Ethan seems focused on justice, not vengeance. Ethan gives the impression that he'd be in favor of the death penalty, but not cruel and unusual punishment. Eli, on the other hand...
     Ethan and Eli provide a study in contrasts and it was inevitable that they'd clash. Ethan is the soft-spoken product of America's heartland, a transplanted Wisconsinite squeezed into skin-tight corduroys, dreaming of NYC hipster status.

     Okay, okay.
     Eli, on the other hand, is the streetwise loudmouth, the Philadelphia hooligan who yells, "Pussy!" every thirty seconds, like a rube in a whorehouse. Even the physical appearances of these two grapplers are opposite. Observing Ethan and Eli tie up on the mat provides a plethora of memorable images. We have clean-cut Ethan's long, lithe limbs wrapped around Eli's compact, rugged, tatted-up frame...

     (By the way, that's Eli preparing Ethan for his finishing maneuver, The Shutdown -- an uninspired, lackluster name if ever we heard one. Eli, you should utilize a signature move that makes people remember your name -- like The ELIminator or The Blackout. You're welcome.)
     Now, for some reason, this match reminded Old Freddie of two other athletes from a bygone era. We have the tall, statuesque brunet with the wholesome image from a respectable background and the smaller, feisty blond with the ruthless attitude from a hardscrabble background. I just wish I could remember who those two athletes were.
     At the end of this match, Eli challenges Ethan to a gut-punching contest to determine the winner. When Ethan agrees, Eli can barely conceal his gloating, thinking that he's conned the idealistic jock into playing by his rules. However, Ethan proves to be a game competitor...

     In my last blog entry, I decried the fact that pro wrestling has abandoned its role as a morality play for American society. Without going into any more detail, let me just say that this match stays true to that old-school concept. You can read Ringside at Skull Island's take on this presentation here:

Ringside at Skull Island: Nemeses: UCW-Wrestling 's latest release [#338] gives us the highly anticipated one-on-one, mano-a-mano showdown between E...     

     As I mentioned, this is UCW video #338, and it's available for download here: UCW Wrestling. Ethan Axel Andrews stars as a sexy, avenging angel who sends Eli Black (in the role of Ole Slew Foot) tumbling down into the fiery pits of hell where he belongs. Enjoy.

UCW's Jax Briggs vs Eli Black: How To Destroy A Wrestling Persona

Bob Dylan - Idiot Wind from Rolling Thunder Bard on Vimeo.

"You hurt the ones that I love best
 And cover up the truth with lies.
 One day, you'll be in the ditch
 Flies buzzing around your eyes
 Blood on your saddle."

     Leave the false hope to eternal optimists like Jax Briggs. At the end of the day, it's an Eli Black world. The "heels" rule and the "faces" serve as fall guys.
     UCW match #358 accomplished the seemingly impossible -- it prompted me to doubt my own cynicism. Yes, I actually ended the review of that match with these words: "Your faith in human nature will be restored, you'll regain your optimistic point-of-view, and hope will be kept alive in your heart." I said that. What's even worse, I meant it. Such is the transformational nature of effective drama.
     Match #358 seemed to signal the beginning of a new era in UCW. Both Blogger Joe from "Ringside at Skull Island" and I thought that the heroic, young Jax Briggs had won the UCW All-Star Championship belt from Eli. The scenario seemed too good to be true, mainly because UCW founder Michael "Bodyslam" had developed a crush on Eli which manifested itself in decadent ab stroking and (according to Eli himself at the end of match #354) the nightly secreting of the champ's used undergarments under the UCW head honcho's bedroom pillows. Was this remark uttered during a sports-entertainment presentation a case of art imitating life?
     At any rate, Bodyslam managed to find a technicality that invalidated Jax's victory.
     I want to make it clear; I thoroughly, utterly loathe Eli Black. Yes, I recognize his type, and I know what he represents. Eli is a "man's man." Eli is the anti-Narcissus. Once Eli was a relatively attractive young man, but he soon defiled his desirable body with ugly markings (most of which are vapid platitudes illustrating Eli's self-centered nature). Eli's type doesn't want to gain advantages via physical beauty and charm. Eli's type wants to succeed through brute force and ruthlessness. Eli's type would rather be feared than loved so he traded an appealing image for an intimidating presence. At the core of Eli Black's essence is a thoroughly primitive nature.
     To illustrate this fact, here's a photo of Eli holding his own foot and using his calf muscles to strangle Jax Briggs. Note the inscription on Eli's forearm, "I am only alive once and I am gonna die when God wants" (a quote from inspirational vocalist Machine Gun Kelly -- no wait, Machine Gun Kelly -- sorry about that -- different generation -- Old Freddie gets confused sometime).

          Of course, Eli is the guy who left My Beautiful Precious Johnny Deep (MBPJD) injured and humiliated, lying face down on the mat, stripped naked and bleeding from a head injury in match #354 which, according to Ethan Axel Andrews, just may be the last time we ever see Johnny in UCW (and that wasn't even the most traumatizing match between those two). In UCW, these financially struggling young grapplers need to experience both pain and shame in order to create a marketable video.
     Keeping this harsh reality in mind, I watched UCW match #361 Wednesday night. For a long time, I couldn't find words. For a long time, I wondered if I should bother trying.
     I don't think anything like this has ever happened before in pro wrestling. I don't think any federation's champion has ever undertaken such a strategy, although people in other walks of life have. Former President Richard Nixon, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, and former Pope Benedict XVI immediately come to mind.
     Wrestlers have been asked to "job" in championship matches before, but the level of degradation required of Jax in match #361 was unprecedented. What did Jax do to deserve this thankless role? Was Jax hired to be a victim from the beginning? Was all the hype concerning Jax just an elaborate build-up in preparation for a soul destroying let-down?
      Was this storyline the work of Eli, acting out of egotism and jealousy? Was Eli worried that Jax, like Johnny, might build a larger fan base than his own? Did Eli propose this match, then get his way because of his favored status in UCW? Will Jax's final match in UCW (assuming that this one wasn't it) feature Jax stripped naked and bleeding from a head wound inflicted by Eli Black?
     Time and time again, Jax has been referred to in UCW circles as "a great guy" -- which sounds dangerously similar to "a nice guy" -- and we all know the negative connotation associated with that.
     What happens to Jax now? Who could ever take the persona of Jax Briggs seriously after match #361? Eli reduced Jax to a pitiful charity case. "Who ever said that I never gave back to the needy?" was one of Eli's despicable lines in his closing soliloquy. As a credible, respected UCW wrestler, Jax is finished.
     Damn, I was set up perfectly. After Jax was denied the title based on the fine print in an imaginary rule book, UCW immediately signed him to a championship event. Once again, I was imagining the young hero Jax thanking his fans for their support. Once again, I imagined Eli Black having a meltdown, unable to cope with the consequences of his own hubris and ruthlessness. I even began composing this blog entry before viewing the match, searching for appropriate bible passages to rub salt in Eli's wounds. I heard rumors that Jax took the title, and my sense of excitement grew.
     Who could have foreseen this match's repugnant conclusion? Just as Jax has been reduced to the status of a joke in UCW, so Eli has been elevated to the level of invulnerability. We fans will never see Eli lose that belt and receive his just comeuppance. Once upon a time, pro wrestling was a morality play. The heroes suffered adversity, but they eventually triumphed and presided over the punishment of the evildoers. Then fans began cheering for "heels" and everything changed. Now wrestling represents the world as it is, not as it should be. In UCW, the "heels" run the fed and the "faces" are fall guys. Hey, it's the same way in the real world. Only for one brief moment (after match #358) did UCW seem capable of inspiring us to believe in something better.
     People think that pro wrestling is fake? Damn near everything in this world is fake. Politics is fake, religion is fake, practically everything we've been conditioned to believe is fake. UCW is real.
     We haven't heard from Jax in weeks. Supposedly, this is due to the demands of his job and his inability to maintain internet access. That's credible -- UCW wrestlers are mostly guys who are struggling financially in this rotten economy.
     Still, I've got to believe that Jax did his stint and now wants no more to do with the fed. That's totally understandable, since Jax seemed to really take his UCW persona seriously -- always went out of his way to cultivate a fan base, always maintained an unfailingly courteous and respectful attitude in all of his postings. Speaking of which, the sock puppet posts on Facebook designed to create controversy and promote this video just added insult to injury -- and damaged the Jax Briggs persona even more.
     Where do we go from here? I can't imagine. Before Jax ever debuted in UCW, Bodyslam sent me a photo of Jax to assuage my misery over Johnny's departure (then still being called a "hiatus"). As it turned out, Jax fulfilled that mission above all expectations. Jax gave me a reason to keep on blogging. So much for that. It would be nice to hear from Jax after this ugliness -- the real Jax, not Bodyslam or Quinn Harper using Jax's Facebook account -- but I don't expect it. Who would want to carry on after this? Seriously. I mean, other UCW wrestlers have complaints that they weren't used properly. I'm sure they have legit gripes, but it all must pale compared to the role forced upon Jax in #361.
     On a related note. Hunter Day (a naive Aries like Jax) is definitely gone from the fed (at least "for a while," as Axel phrased it). I guess Hunter was just hired to be humiliated also. You may recall how Hunter was ridiculed for being a "nobody" by his "partner" Eli Black in the last match we'll probably ever see of him. Oh, and remember the last Inside Scoop featuring Hunter? Come on. What was the point?
     Hunter, Jax, Johnny...UCW is just like American society. The late George Carlin said it best: "It's a big club -- and you're not in it."

 

        This rigged contest between a privileged egomaniac and an "obedient worker" for what should truly be called "The Eli Black Belt" is downloadable here: the UCW Wrestling website. Happy viewing.

UCW Wrestling's Quinn Harper vs. Jax Briggs: Lust Mixed With Hatred

     Anyone who has seen the "Squeal Like A Pig" clip from the 1972 film, "Deliverance," knows exactly what UCW's Quinn Harper is all about. If you haven't seen that Hollywood depiction of male-on-male, redneck sadism, just view the video posted above. Then I won't have to waste any more words describing that loathsome, vile piece of human debris who many wrestlers (including Johnny Deep) consider to be the worst individual in the federation. A picture is worth a thousand words, anyway. Right below the video clip is a still from UCW match #356, in which Harper has newcomer Jax Briggs (wrestling in only his second match) immobile and defenseless. Seconds later, Harper sticks his thumb into his mouth, thoroughly wetting it with saliva. I won't go on.
     This video begins with a scene that reminds me of a friendly, pit bull pup ignoring its instincts and trotting up to a rabid coyote that is foaming at the mouth and biting its own mangy fur with its eyeballs rolling back into its skull. Of course, that type of irrational, self-destructive behavior never occurs in the animal kingdom. Only we humans are taught to ignore our survival instincts, be "open-minded," and give obvious slime-balls "the benefit of the doubt."
     Jax steps onto the mat and, in a youthful, masculine, gregarious tone, says, "What's up, man? I'm Jax," while extending his hand to Harper. Harper doesn't react. "What's going on?" Jax doggedly persists, continuing to offer his hand to Harper. Harper seems to be licking the drool from his lips when he finally agrees to press the flesh with the rookie grappler.

     At that point, Jax should have either attacked or gotten the hell out of the mat room. I mean, when you encounter an unfamiliar, slithering reptile that is hissing, rattling, and coiled up with a forked tongue darting out at you and venom dripping off its fangs, then either run away or kill the poisonous creature.
     Possibly influenced by his first UCW experience, a rugged love-fest with fellow "face" Ethan Axel Andrews, Jax seems incapable of recognizing a snake. Instead, Jax insists on making small talk with the serpent.
     "What do you like to do?" Quinn asks Jax. It's a truly weird question to ask an opponent at the start of an athletic contest, perhaps indicating the blurred distinction in Quinn's twisted mind between wrestling and erotic gratification. Jax seems taken aback but he attempts to deliver a normal reply while shrugging and awkwardly clapping his hands: "Oh, I like wrestling, you know. Jump around."
     Then there's a test of strength (giving Quinn the opportunity to gouge Jax's eyes during the tie-up) and the "wrestling" begins. What follows is as dark and brutal as anything ever featured in a UCW tape (which means as dark and brutal as anything ever featured in pro wrestling, period). On a certain level, match #356 is as traumatic a viewing experience as was #336 (the horrid second match between Eli Black and Johnny Deep). However, the Black vs. Deep atrocity was basically a clash between two highly competitive rivals in which one (Black) clearly had the upper hand and carried the concept of bullying to previously unexplored heights. On a personal level, that match had a devastating emotional impact on me. By contrast, this Harper vs. Briggs encounter is more like victimization in the psych ward of a penitentiary. Maybe if I had done hard time while living in Louisiana, I could relate.
     As Quinn tortures Jax, his verbal commentary is as memorable as the physical abuse. After making lewd allusions concerning Jax's name, Quinn administers a prolonged chin-lock. Jax's back is bent in half, his feet kick, and the veins in his neck bulge. Quinn studies the agonized expression on Jax's fair countenance.
     "You've got a prettyboy face, don't you?" Quinn observes. "I can see why they'd bring you in here. You got a pretty face..."

     Then Quinn starts stroking Jax's chest. "Look at that," Quinn continues his soliloquy, "may be a little shaven..." At that, Quinn hauls off and delivers an open handed shot to Jax's pecs. Even greater torment registers on Jax's face, and Quinn is visibly delighted. As the pain of the blow sets in, Jax screams and Quinn finally releases the hold with the boast, "I wreck prettyboys."

     "Come on, Jax...I like it when you squirm," Quinn taunts as he pulls down Jax's form-fitting trunks to deliver a humiliating slap. "You talk too much," Quinn remarks in reference to Jax's anguished cries. Therefore Quinn silences Jax with a crotch-to-face head scissors that causes Jax to gasp for air and Quinn to moan in passion.
     With the rookie face-down on the mat, Quinn spends a few moments gazing at one of Jax's bare feet. Briefly, Quinn resembles a foot fetishist preparing to grovel before the studly young dude. Then Quinn snaps out of it and chomps down on Jax's big toe. Jax howls in misery.

     Seconds later, Quinn has Jax on his tiptoes, trying to cope with another excruciating backbreaker. Quinn notices that Jax's pelvis is thrust forward, so he says, "Yeah, pop that sh-- out," before grabbing and squeezing. Not content with inflicting simultaneous pain on Jax's back and groin, Quinn uses his free hand to yank the back of Jax's trunks upward.
     "You didn't see this. I need to come up with a name for this sh--," Quinn continues his vulgar play-by-play commentary as Jax yells nonstop. "That's why I'll call this the Quinn Special. How's that wedgie while I grab it? Did you see that? Can you see that?" Quin rolls Jax over for the benefit of the viewing audience.

     Quinn delivers several more resounding slaps (needless to say, a large percentage of Jax's hot, alabaster bod is already reddened in the earliest stages of this match). Following this segment of pain and shame, Jax is left lying on the mat, given a few seconds respite from Quinn's relentless attack.

     Believe it or not, all of the action described thus far occurs before the 6:24 mark of this 28:27 match. From time to time, Jax manages to exact revenge on Harper (at one point, the young hero uses Harper's own disgusting "maneuver" against him, sending the foul degenerate flopping around on the mat like a fish out of water), but most of the match consists of Quinn trying to break Jax's spirit and Jax steadfastly refusing to be broken. A perfect example of this occurs when Quinn is literally stepping on Jax's throat, demanding that Jax call him "The Mighty Quinn" (a reference to a throw-away ditty about an Eskimo written by Bob Dylan and covered by 1960's British R&B band Manfred Mann). Jax replies, "Never," and finds a way to fight out of the predicament.

     The main theme of this video is the punishment of masculine beauty. There are many UCW fans (and UCW bloggers) who actually "like" Quinn Harper. Young, handsome males like Jax are frequently perceived as having an unfair advantage and are thus targets for jealousy. Less glamorous members of the gay community may desire studs like Jax, but they resent him as well. When a brute like Harper tries to rob Jax of his pride and turn him into a sex object, many in the audience are thrilled.
     Toward the end of this video, Harper nearly gets carried away by his sadistic urges and almost crosses the line into hard core porn. Jax reacts in exactly the manner that Harper deserves. I won't post any spoilers (I don't think a curiosity about wrestlers' won-lost records will motivate most buyers of this video, anyway) but I will say that Jax came through this ordeal intact. Like a typical Aries, Jax retained his optimistic viewpoint and he now considers this match to be "a learning experience."
     Furthermore, in his next UCW appearance, Jax allowed himself to be dragged into a tag team match as Quinn Harper's partner, and the results were extremely gratifying. Today Jax Briggs would be UCW All-Star Champion but for a mere technicality, and that fact has earned Jax a title shot against the federation's paper champion, Eli Black.
     I admire Jax's resiliency. As a matter of fact, after my last blog, Jax had some words of encouragement for me via Facebook.

     Jax Briggs, you're my role model. You're an inspiration, and you're rapidly becoming my favorite UCW wrestler.
     In typical "Ringside at Skull Island" style, Blogger Joe raves about Quinn Harper's "boundless charisma" and snickers about "way-too-cute" wrestlers in his review of this match, which can be pondered here:

Ringside at Skull Island: Predator: From his first day at UCW-Wrestling , Quinn Harper made it clear that he wasn't out to win any popularity c...

     Remember, you can download this match -- #356 -- at the UCW website. Buy it and show your support for Jax (or Quinn, depending on where your loyalties lie).

I Turned "Heel"

     Alright, guys, I know the difference between right and wrong. I know the difference between sports entertainment role playing and a personal attack based on inner bitchiness. In my last blog posting, I was guilty of the latter.
     I wanted to compose a blog entry that was well written and attention grabbing. Unfortunately, I fell into the same trap that many comedians fall into when they indulge in offensive humor to achieve notoriety.
     Marcus "The Spartan" Ares has already become a hugely popular persona in UCW due to the appeal of the wrestler who portrays that character. There is a huge, built-in following for large, muscular, ultra-macho types in sports-entertainment. I resented this fact. I preferred the type of wrestler who has dominated the UCW roster since the federation's inception -- the slender (some would say "swimmer's build"), in-shape, boyishly handsome types who are usually relegated to jobber roles in major federations.
     When fans of the large, bodybuilder type of wrestler criticized fans like me for having dissimilar tastes, I bristled. When Marcus appeared in UCW and received such an enthusiastic response from so many fans, my antagonism grew.
     Then UCW founder Michael "Bodyslam" interviewed Marcus for the currently featured Inside Scoop and remarked that Marcus had a waist that was right for the championship belt (while Eli's was so small that he had to carry the belt around). This really irked me. It seemed as though the type of wrestler who is so ubiquitous in other federations was being considered superior to the type that built UCW.
     Therefore, I posted a series of attacks on the physical appearance of the wrestler who portrays The Spartan. It wasn't sports entertainment blogging and couldn't be justified as mere role playing. I was simply giving my own sarcasm free reign to insult another human being. It was rude. It was tasteless. I apologize.
     As soon as I've posted this, I'm going to revise yesterday's blog entry. I'll keep the first half about the UCW title controversy, but I'll delete the second half. Once again, to the wrestler who portrays the Spartan, I'm sorry.

UCW Wrestling Misses Again

     Well, at least this UCW Wrestling blog gives me the opportunity to share some great music with you. Up top is live footage of Phil Collins performing "Missed Again," which should be UCW's new theme song (the saxophone solo at the three minute mark is killer, btw).
     Below that, we have handsome, young UCW hero Jax Briggs proudly displaying the UCW All-Star Championship belt after only his third match in the federation (match #358, which caused me to experience an uncharacteristically optimistic outlook toward UCW Wrestling, human nature, and life in general). Little did I know that UCW was about to give us a Montreal Screwjob redux.
     For those who missed it, match #358 concludes with Jax pinning an unconscious Eli Black for a three count (which could easily have been a thirty count). Jax then casually saunters off camera range, returns with the UCW All-Star Championship belt, and says, "Tell Eli, if he wants this, he knows where to come find me." It seemed as though UCW had finally turned a corner and ushered in a new era -- with an unfailingly respectful, totally likable young man now representing the federation (instead of a brutally sadistic megalomaniac like Eli Black).
     However, as usual, the light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be an oncoming train. I didn't see it coming. I smugly savored the seeming irony of the next Inside Scoop video posted at the UCW site, in which Eli Black strutted and boasted about his ownership of the All-Star belt:

     "They must have dug up that video in the archives and posted it just to rub salt in Eli's wounds," I mused.  I couldn't wait for the next Inside Scoop which, I assumed, would feature Jax politely thanking his fans for their support and Eli experiencing a total meltdown. Instead, the next Inside Scoop was an absolute disappointment for several reasons (we'll talk about them later), but mostly because the video blog once again made reference to Eli Black as the reigning UCW Champion.
     "I guess this interview took place before match #358," I remarked in a post after viewing the video.
     "Jax didn't win the belt in 358; he carried it away but no ref," UCW tersely replied via their official Facebook page.
     Naturally, I ranted and raved about the injustice of it all, but to no avail. Privately, UCW founder Michael "Bodyslam" messaged me and explained, "Jax isn't the champ...he didn't win the belt, there was no ref at the time...he took the belt but Eli took it back later in a blog that was lost when my computer crashed."
     Personally, I'm just about ready to give up on UCW and form my own federation. I've floated the idea past several current and former UCW wrestlers, and they've all reacted in a positive manner toward the proposed venture. Referring to UCW star Pedro Espada, I posted the following message on my official Facebook:
     "Pedro and I had it all figured out during our interview. My living room is big enough for a 10' x 10' mat -- we were going to call our federation LRW (Living Room Wrestling). I was going to pattern myself after Michael Bodyslam and Pedro was going to be like Ethan Axel Andrews (training the guys, hazing them in their first match). We were going to have inter-federation matches with UCW-Wrestling, too (our LRW heels would invade Philadelphia and attack the UCW faces, your UCW heels would invade CT and attack our LRW faces, etc.)"
     Pedro replied with: "I would need more training before I teach others. But I like the idea *thumbs up*"
     Former UCW star Damien Shamrock (aka Damien Flawless) offered: "I'd make an awesome trainer one day!"
     Even the rightful champion of UCW, Jax Briggs himself, commented: "Bring your new fed to UCW and we will school them."
     Honestly, that was so nice of Jax to offer free training to prospective LRW members! (That was what Jax meant, right?)
     At any rate, having my own federation would allow me to load the roster with grapplers like UCW's Fab Five: Ethan Axel Andrews, Jax Briggs, Johnny Deep, Michael Hannigan, and Aron Stokes (listed in alphabetical order via last names, since I could never attempt to rank those hotties according to the degree of affection that I feel for them).

Jax Briggs & Quinn Harper vs. Eli Black & Oliver Wood: UCW Wrestling At Its Nadir

     They say the darkest hour is right before the dawn...

     Things have been going steadily downhill at Underground Championship Wrestling (UCW) for over a year. It all started when a horrible motor vehicle accident sidelined our tall, dark, and handsome Jersey Boy, Aron Stokes. (Aron is just now beginning to show signs of preparing for a return to the federation. Follow Aron's Facebook page to stay updated.)
     Michael Hannigan's reign as UCW All Star Champion was doomed as soon as he tried to wrestle in accordance with UCW's "no rules" philosophy (and when he deliberately mispronounced Pedro Espada's name). UCW's beloved, mischievous adolescent, Johnny Deep, got a head injury and went on hiatus. Ethan Axel Andrews just spread himself too thin, working as a personal trainer, wrestling for outside federations, and traveling throughout the nation to do custom video shoots. UCW founder Michael "Bodyslam" had risky open-heart surgery and developed an equally dangerous compulsion to stroke Eli Black's abs. These were dark days indeed.
     Recently, Underground Championship Wrestling has come to be dominated by criminals and crazy people. A bondage obsessed sadist named Nick Diesel ended Michael Hannigan's championship reign with a noose around Michael's neck. Eli Black finally succeeded in stealing the UCW Championship title that he had coveted for years and proceeded to perfect his own brand of megalomania.Quinn Harper ran roughshod over the federation, terrorizing opponents with a tactic (we won't dignify this repugnant action by calling it a wrestling "hold" or "maneuver") used by penitentiary inmates to emasculate hated enemies. Isaiah "Ice" Burg used the UCW website to post a video threatening to murder a certain blogger. A rival blogger fell in line with the forces of darkness and began to function as a UCW "heel" apologist (much like Fox News acting as propagandists for the GOP). It seemed as though UCW's "faces" didn't stand a fighting chance.
     Then, rising from the ashes of this devastated landscape, a newcomer from Colorado's "Mile-High City" arrived on the scene. UCW head honcho Bodyslam sent me a photo of him to assuage my misery over Johnny Deep's departure. Ethan Axel Andrews himself patiently trained the newcomer, grooming him as a possible successor. In their initial videotaped confrontation, the rookie pulled a maneuver out of Ric Flair's playbook (feet on the cinder block wall as opposed to feet on the bottom rope) in order to score a surprise pinfall victory over his mentor. Because of the newcomer's friendly, down-to-earth personality, Ethan felt no anger over the loss -- just admiration for the rookie's cleverness. Of course, that rookie was Jax Briggs, and the match in question was #353.
     UCW's latest offering, match #358, represents the federation at its very worst. We have a UCW Champion (Eli Black) whose ego is now so overblown that he believes that he can dictate the terms of tag team encounters (and it turns out that he's right). We have tag teams captained by the two most brutal villains in UCW (Black and Quinn Harper). We have yet another jobber-turned-heel (similar to Hunter Day) who has been swayed by Eli Black's charismatic ruthlessness and tricked into becoming his tag team partner (Oliver Wood). We have a referee who steadfastly refuses to do his job, pretending to be unable to count to three during pin attempts (Isaiah "Ice" Burg).
     Dragged into this mess, seemingly against his will, is Jax Briggs. It is assumed that Jax will play the role of sacrificial lamb in this match -- the rookie prettyboy (it's only Jax's third UCW match) who absorbs horrendous abuse in order to titillate the sadists in the federation's audience and boost video sales.

     As soon as Quinn Harper hauls Jax onto the mat and introduces him as his tag team partner, Eli begins bouncing off the wall with jealousy over Jax's good looks. Eli scrutinizes Jax, telling him that he's not "cute" and searching for flaws (Eli finally detects a pimple on Jax's chin). Jax's awkwardness is palpable during this segment. At first, Quinn simply enjoys the hazing while remaining in the background. Then Quinn feels the need to mutter a few platitudes to the embarrassed neophyte grappler:
     "Just stick with me. I know this ain't your thing, but just hang in there," Quinn whispers with one arm around Jax's shoulders.

     This match represents the old adage, "A house divided cannot stand." The UCW "heels" begin trash talking, and much of the improvised banter clearly crosses the line into bad taste. Eli introduces Oliver as "this tall, black thing" and mocks the name of Oliver's UCW alliance, "the Bad Boys." Eli says that Oliver & Co. are "the boys" but he is "the man." For one quick moment, Oliver seems on the verge of acting "out of character." Then Quinn contributes to the ugliness by making quips about the abolition of slavery when he sees Oliver carrying Eli's belt. Quinn's "humor" elicits a scowl from Isaiah and may explain why the referee refused to officiate this bout in any sensible way. Even before the opening bell, the UCW heel's evil empire is crumbling.

     If Jax was expected to play the role of passive jobber during this match, he clearly defied the edict. Once tagged in, Jax completely ignored Oliver (the legal man on the mat) and headed straight for the source of evil, Eli Black, who was taken by surprise in the corner. Jax pounded the daylights out of the flabbergasted pseudo-champion, and Jax's heroics set the tone for much of the action that followed.

     At another point, Eli commands Oliver to "get rid" of Jax, moments before the rookie knocks out Eli's reluctant henchman in an exchange of fisticuffs. Later, Jax displays his tenacity by steadfastly inching his way back to his corner while in the clutches of Oliver's modified backbreaker. This prompts Eli to enter the match himself, kicking and stomping on Jax while shrieking impotently.
     "Stay still! Stay still! Why won't you listen and stay still?" the thin-skinned UCW "champion" protests to Jax.

     If there is one moment in this match when Jax truly comes into his own -- when Jax proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that he's a powerful force in UCW -- it comes when Eli and Quinn are grappling. Each wrestler is completely consumed by his own hubris, and both seem to believe that Jax is unworthy of their attention. Jax casually walks up to the two UCW veterans, scoops them up in his strong, youthful arms, and bodyslams both of them to the mat simultaneously.

     While avoiding the posting of any "spoilers" concerning this match's conclusion, I'll simply say this: for UCW fans who are totally disgusted by Eli Black and his ilk, this is THE match to buy. I only wish that I had been present at this taping so that I could have conducted a post-match interview with Black. I can't imagine a more soul-satisfying experience.
     Oh, by the way...a few days ago, Michael "Bodyslam" informed me via a Facebook message that Johnny Deep decided to return to UCW. It's difficult to believe that Johnny's decision had nothing to do with the outcome of this match and subsequent developments in the federation.
     A certain other blogger reviewed this match and, as usual, he exhibited nothing even vaguely resembling common sense (he even managed to find praise for "Ice" Burg's refereeing). You can experience the confused gentleman's foolish blathering here:
   
Ringside at Skull Island: All Hell Breaks Loose: Eli Black and Quinn Harper are scheduled to fight side by side as tag-team partners in #358, but leave it to El...

     As mentioned, this is match #358 and it's available here: http://www.ucw-wrestling.com/. Quickly review the philosophical concept concerning karma, then just sit back and enjoy. Your faith in human nature will be restored, you'll regain your optimistic point-of-view, and hope will be kept alive in your heart.

Michael Hannigan & Johnny Deep vs. Eli Black & Hunter Day: Three Bulls and a Ram

You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning
You got a lotta nerve
To say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that’s winning
You say I let you down
You know it’s not like that
If you’re so hurt
Why then don’t you show it
You say you lost your faith
But that’s not where it’s at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it
I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You’re in with
Do you take me for such a fool
To think I’d make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don’t know to begin with
You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, “How are you?” “Good luck”
But you don’t mean it
When you know as well as me
You’d rather see me paralyzed
Why don’t you just come out once
And scream it
No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I’d rob them
And now I know you’re dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don’t you understand
It’s not my problem
I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You’d know what a drag it is
To see you

     Here's a hypothetical story. Two UCW wrestlers go into a bar. Their names are Hunter Day and Eli Black. Hunter immediately starts doing straight shots of bourbon (Hunter's favorite beverage, as we know from his final remark at the conclusion of UCW match #345) and he soon saunters over to the jukebox. Hunter pushes a few buttons, hollers out, "Hey Eli, this song's for you," and suddenly Bob Dylan's "Positively 4th Street" (perhaps the ultimate put-down song of all time -- featured in the video posted above) resonates throughout the establishment.
     There's an old saying: "You lie down with dogs, you'll come up with fleas." Sports entertainment makes strange bedfellows but hopefully, after UCW match #355 (Underground Championship Wrestling's most recent tag team encounter, which can be purchased here: UCW-Wrestling Dot Com), Hunter is finally finished making his bed with the likes of cutthroat manipulators like Eli Black.
     Hunter Day is the odd man out in this UCW tag team bout, and his fate seems written in the stars. Every other participant in this match (Michael Hannigan, Johnny Deep, and Eli Black) is a Taurus. Hunter is the lone Aries (an astrological designation that he shares, by the way, with UCW newcomer Jax Briggs). Therefore, we have three bulls and a ram butting heads, and the outcome doesn't bode well for Hunter.
     I almost wrote that Eli Black sinks to a new low in this match, but the de facto UCW All-Star Champion has provided us with so many truly scummy lowlights lately, the assertion is a debatable judgment call. After all, Eli is the guy who deliberately busted Johnny Deep's head open by kicking him into a cinder block wall just one video release ago (match #354) -- and then bragged about it. Eli is the guy who finally "won" the UCW belt (which he had coveted for ages -- salivating every time he saw it and literally turning green with envy) by jumping a rookie "fluke champion" from behind during his first interview and then strangling the kid until he lost consciousness. The list of atrocities goes on ad nauseam.
     Oh, I seem to have neglected to mention something in the last paragraph. That "fluke champion" who Eli victimized was an underdog scrapper named Hunter Day. Yes, in all of his macho simplicity, Hunter eventually decided that he "liked" Eli -- mainly because the champ was a tough guy with a good sense of humor (hey, does anything else matter?). Eli exploited Hunter's naivete and conned him into becoming his tag team partner. The end result is captured in this video, and it's not pretty.
     In a sense, Eli truly does sink to a new low during this match. In previous matches, Eli could justify his ruthlessness the way that gangsters excuse their murderous tendencies ("we only kill our rivals"). In this match, however, Eli abuses a friend -- or at least, someone who wanted to be his friend. Eli treats his tag partner like dirt, calling Hunter a "pussy" and a "piece of trash" in front of his opponents, referee Ethan Axel Andrews, and the video cameras. For all the loyalty Eli displays, this tag match may as well be a 3-on-1 handicap bout.
     At one point, former champ Michael Hannigan (the last true UCW All-Star titleholder to grace the federation) channels Ric Flair by letting go with a Nature-Boy style "WHOOOOOooooo!!!" and catching Hunter in a figure-four leglock, managing to simultaneously flip off Eli in the process. Eli reacts with indignation to the insult, but offers little in the way of assistance to Hunter. Eli simply advises Hunter to reverse the hold, in a tone one would use when explaining to a moron that 2+2=4. Of course, reversing a figure-four is not an elementary procedure, and Hunter continues to "pay his dues" in the excruciatingly painful maneuver for quite some time.

     Speaking of painful maneuvers, there's just no way to execute a Boston Crab without creating absolute agony in your opponent's lower back. Sports entertainment fans who blithely write off pro wrestling as a choreographed exhibition seem oblivious to the huge amounts of pain (and frequent injuries) that the participants regularly suffer. When Michael Hannigan begins to apply the dreaded Boston Crab to a hapless Hunter, the kid immediately raises his hand to shield his mouth from the camera's scrutiny. Referee Axel hastily rushes over and asks Hunter if he wants to submit. Hunter gamely refuses and continues to suffer for several more seconds. Then there's an edit, and the match resumes with Hunter's legs in a slightly less torturous, more horizontal position. The segment made me wonder just how much pain Hunter actually had to endure during this match as a nonchalant Eli observed from the sidelines.

     As it turns out, part of Eli's "throw Hunter to the wolves" strategy involved a plot to protect his own UCW championship belt, and there was some controversy after this match as to whether or not Eli deserved to retain the title. It should also be noted that, after Hunter committed a thoroughly understandable rookie mistake during this match, Eli abandoned any pretense of being a true tag team partner.
     After the match concludes, the cameras continue to roll, making us privy to a post-match discussion between Eli and Hunter. Eli's verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse when Hunter dares to speak disparagingly about Eli's precious championship belt. Clearly, Eli is a megalomaniac who derives his identity from the belt around his waist. Without that belt, Eli becomes what he is so willing to label others -- a "nobody."
     All that has been written thus far should not be taken as an implication that Eli spent the entire match in the role of passive observer. This match was born of the hatred between Eli Black and Johnny Deep, and each combatant was allowed to bring a friend. Johnny picked Michael Hannigan, which seemed like a no-brainer, considering the fact that the two handsome, young grapplers had already functioned as a tag team combo vs. Eli during Michael's championship reign. Having no friends in UCW (or anywhere else, most likely), Eli exploited Hunter's gullibility.
     They say that eyes are the windows to the soul. Looking into the eyes of Michael Hannigan or Johnny Deep can melt your heart. Looking into the eyes of Eli Black can send chills down your spine. After Michael Hannigan had spent several minutes dominating Hunter, Eli finally accepted a tag. Eli's face radiated brutal aggression as he stepped onto the mat, as if he couldn't wait to inflict pain on Michael. Michael appeared subdued and apprehensive.

     It seems as though Eli has been carrying an MMA mentality into UCW matches lately, and he isn't satisfied until he inflicts a serious injury on an opponent. In this case, Michael Hannigan was the victim, and the injury almost occurred off-camera. As Eli so often does (like a character out of "A Clockwork Orange"), he began mixing comedy routines with acts of violence. Eli pretended to be undertaking a sobriety test, walking a straight line across Michael's supine, already battered body. For some inexplicable reason, the cameraman chose that moment to pan over toward Hunter Day, who was finally enjoying some much needed recovery time in his own corner.
     Fortunately, the cameraman came to his senses and focused on the mat action in time to catch the climactic moment of Eli's sadism. Utilizing slow motion and stop action playback while viewing the video, we can see Eli placing all of his weight directly on Michael's groin while executing a vicious grinding of his heel. In reaction, Michael yells out, seemingly in as much anger as pain, then yells out again.Watching Michael for the rest of this bout (including his corner time), one can observe Michael experiencing the after-effects of this maneuver. Perhaps it was retribution for Michael's Boston Crab on Hunter, but I doubt that Eli really needs any justification for this sort of behavior.

     For those who enjoy seeing prettyboys squashed during pro wrestling events, Johnny takes his lumps as well. As a matter of fact, referee (and 50% UCW owner) Axel seems to deliberately allow Johnny to be double-teamed for several minutes -- presumably to boost sales of this video. For no other conceivable reason, Axel totally ignores the mat action, turning his back to lecture Michael Hannigan (one of the cleanest technical wrestlers in the fed) about the need to observe "the rules." Somehow, "Mr. There-Are-No-Rules-In-UCW" manages to maintain a serious demeanor during his harangue. When Axel finally decides to resume his refereeing duties, he unconvincingly scolds Eli with the cutesy phrase, "Bad Eli!" -- practically admitting his complicity in the attack.

     (Notice that, in the previous paragraph, I referred to Ethan Axel Andrews as Axel, which I often do when I'm angry with him. Mr. Andrews seems to have a dual personality, and I associate "Axel" with villainy, probably due to Axel Rotten. When he's behaving like his usual polite, soft spoken. Piscean self, he's "Ethan.")
     On matters of aesthetics, Ethan introduces Michael and Johnny as the team in "Kelly green"  -- a phrase that I myself used when imagining ring attire for Michael in a fantasy tag team called the Flawless Shamrocks a few blog entries ago. (I wonder if my opinions are having an effect on the presentation of UCW matches?)

     Speaking of ring attire, I have two more observations on the subject: 1. Once again, UCW featured Ethan in the sexy, sleeveless, open-front, referee's shirt that drove me wild when Johnny wore it in match #336. My kudos to the UCW wardrobe department. 2. Ethan committed a faux pas when he attempted to insult the Black-Day tag team via the assertion that their ringwear looked "gay." Besides the fact that it's the same attire worn by Johnny in his match against Nick Diesel, did you really mean to use the word "gay" in a pejorative sense, Ethan? A conservative estimate is that 95% of UCW's audience is comprised of gay males. If 95% of your audience was comprised of Poles would you have told Eli and Hunter that their attire "looked Polish"?  To their credit, Hunter chose not to react to your quip, and Eli actually displayed tact(!) with the response, "By 'gay,' you mean 'happy,' right?" When Eli comes off as the most diplomatic individual during a verbal exchange, you know somebody really screwed up.
     Concerning the hotness quotient of each individual grappler, we'll start with Michael Hannigan. Michael has undergone various physical transformations since entering UCW, and each one has been an improvement. Currently, Michael is sporting jet black hair and, coupled with his fair, Celtic complexion, Michael is exotically beautiful; Michael now resembles a young man of Black Irish descent -- an ethnic group I've always found especially attractive. Michael's strong legs remind me of alabaster columns and the black pads around his knees and ankles are perfect accoutrements. Of course, I've written at length about Michael's delectable derriere and the fraternity pledge fantasies he inspires within me. As if to thank me for the empathy I've always shown him in this blog, Hunter Day gave me multiple gifts of this eye candy during close-up camera shots...

     (To Michael, I know that wedgies hurt, and if my earlier comments concerning your picturesque posterior really did provoke this dastardly deed, I'm sorry. To make up for it, I will gladly soothe any chafed portions of your anatomy in any manner that you request.)
     As for Johnny Deep, he starred in the most emotionally affecting pro wrestling encounter I've ever seen in my life -- UCW match #336. Johnny mixes aggressive masculinity with sensitive vulnerability, making him the sexiest grappler in the underground wrestling scene today. You other federations can keep your soulless gym bunnies -- none of them can hold a candle to UCW's Johnny. Johnny's hair is stylishly long in this tag team encounter, a look that suits him best. (Johnny should definitely avoid haircuts for the next several months; Johnny with shoulder-length hair like Eric the Viking would be too hot to handle.) Time and again, I found myself hitting the "Pause" button while viewing this video and studying Johnny in awed admiration.
     That brings us to Eli Black. When I saw Eli's profile pic at the BG East site, I couldn't believe it was the same Eli. Eli looks tough in that photo, but handsome, too -- maybe even wholesome. Then I saw an old video clip of Eli wrestling during those days and the video had no appeal for me, personally. Eli, even in those days, was just too ruthlessly aggressive to possess any charm. The contrast between the hard and the soft which is key to Johnny's charisma isn't present in Eli. Eli is hard through and through, which is why he is valuable to pro wrestling as a "heel" -- but when it comes to sex appeal, I wouldn't touch Eli with a barge pole. Certainly Eli has his fans and followers among the UCW faithful, but other forces of evil throughout human history have had their supporters too.
     Finally, we have Hunter Day -- nicknamed "Hunted" by the brutally perceptive Eli Black. Hunter seems ready for a "face" turn in UCW and the decent guys in the fed should give this perennial underdog a chance. Who knows -- Ethan Axel Andrews, a certified personal trainer, might be able to get Hunter to trade his Jack-Daniels-and-Cokes for protein shakes. The metamorphosis could be stunning.
     Once again, this is match #355, and you can download it at the UCW site. Blogger Joe from "Ringside at Skull Island" already reviewed this match, and the posting is definitely worth reading. In the second paragraph, Joe -- the anemic academic -- claims that he could defeat Eli Black in a fight. I'm not making this up. Joe is either delusional or self-destructive (there's ample evidence of both in his blog entries) and you can sample Joe's particular brand of zaniness here:

     Ringside at Skull Island: Made to Be Broken: UCW champ Eli Black and Johnny Deep barely had a chance to dry off after their slippery and we...

     ...Joe's boast is about as outlandish as me believing that I could outfight Isaiah "Ice" Burg.
 
     Well, that's it for now. Enjoy the match -- it's got something (and someone) for everyone, regardless of your tastes. Michael Hannigan, if you're reading this -- "stay sexy." TTYL.